FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

tayforth

paulineb wrote: »

Ive lived through domestic abuse. And if that isnt good enough for anyone in the scheme of things, fair enough. We all have our own life experiences. I saw what my mum went through, I witnessed it and I saw how she suffered. But every experience is unique and how someone reacts, feels, thinks about what their situation is, will be different from the next person.

And as you said yourself, Ive said on this thread and others, Ive had abusive relationships, Ive just not lived with the people concerned.

I would never tell someone they dont understand what an abusive relationship is because they havent lived through it. You dont need to live with someone or be married to them to have gone through negative experiences with them.

We all have our own experiences. Id never tell you you didnt know what it was like because you havent lived through something, because I dont know you and I dont know what your experiences are.

And the same goes for me and mine.

Things might go fine tomorrow. The husband might accept that hes to go and it all might go quietly and with no fuss.

But it might not. And as I said before the OP has had the benefit of talking through how she feels and working her feelings out and coming to this point.

He hasnt. And it might not be as neat and tidy as people might hope for.

I wish you well OP, but Ive no desire to get into any debate on here about whether you know what you are talking about because you havent lived through anything yourself.

It might be easy tomorrow, it might not be. And I absolutely know what its like to be in a long term relationship with someone who is mentally cruel but still have mixed feelings about it ending.

And I hope tomorrow is peaceful for you, but as I said above, I do hope you have someone with you when he is packing his things.

For your sake.

It sounds as if you haven't fully come to terms with what your mum went through. Because you seem to feel that I owe my abusive husband compassion, respect and a roof over his head, no matter how awful he is.

Also, I'm sure that abusive relationships are just as bad if you're not living together/married, but you don't have that added complication, or the fear of asking him to leave, not knowing what he'll do.

In fact, I've read umpteen times that a woman is most at risk of being assaulted or murdered at the point of leaving a relationship.

I've phoned the police, who have told me to ring 999 if I need to, and they'll be straight round. Thankfully, we live about 5 minutes from a police station.

I wasn't going to tell you this, but I've also told my friend (the one I visited) that, if the worst happens, she is to tell my mum and my family everything. The thought of him playing the grieving husband sickens me.

Is that fearful enough for you????

I have no mixed feelings about it ending. I'll be relieved to be rid of him, and annoyed at myself for having wasted years with him. End of story.

tayforth

Kayalana99 wrote: »

I never said it was morally wrong or right I was simply saying it was legally sound, but I did think a kid was invovled.

I understand what your saying but OP has said he does have somewhere else to go - so she was not making him homeless and from what I have gathered this man has made her suffer long enough and she should not have to explain it to him why he hasn't got his home to come back to!!!

Op feels she may be endangering herself by OH staying in the house then she has done the right thing in my opinion.

I don't really think your post is crediable to this situation though as I said above, he does have somewhere else to go.

In this situation he bloody deserves it!!!!


As for the post about if he was expecting it he should be able to come to some agreement you say you've been in an abusive relationship but don't seem to appreicate that its not always this simple!

My Ex chucked all my clothes over his front lawn after I climbed out the window because he locked the doors - because I said I was leaving him. I have also said I belive the OP to be in alot worse situation then me so I understand her stress of not knowing what he is going to do!

This was all in front of his 9 year old brother who he was the guardian off.

He knew it was coming, trust me.

Also, this man (I have just caught up a few posts) can be complety happy/nice for a few days but the OP does one thing 'out of line' and he is screaming at her and calling her horrible names etc.

This isnt a reasonable person, this is someone who see's red and flips. Not someone I would want to tell that he has to move out!

Thank you. I appreciate your words, and I agree with every single one xxx

Molly41 wrote: »

My son (22) has today arrived at my house after being kicked out by his girlfriend. Last night she beat him around the head with an iPad, slapped him about , threw a glass at him and poured cold water over him. All this was unprovoked whilst he was lying in bed in the spare room. This was after she asked him to leave the flat he was sharing with her. He did not retaliate and he is a big lad - 6 foot plus, 15 stone. previously she had been mouthy but nothing along these lines.

Now I asked him why he did not call his dad or I to go and collect him last night but he said he did not want any more confrontation or us getting hurt.

Obviously Im not saying this is how your husband will react but please be prepared for the worst case scenario. There is no way i would want my son staying in the flat to discuss the ins and out of how the relationship will end :eek:

Oh my goodness. I am so sorry for your son. He must be terribly shocked and shaken. She probably knew that he wouldn't retaliate xx

And you're absolutely right, none of us knows how someone will react in this situation.

Kayalana99 wrote: »

I would never tell someone in an abusive relationship who doesn't feel safe to confront them.

Again though - wasnt saying you dont no what an abusive relationship is but your naive comment about him seeing reason is just looking at the world through rose tinted glass and that says to me you have never been with someone that 'unreasonable' as you wouldn't be asking OP to put herself in that situation - at best you would be telling her to leave if you still kept up your view on forcing him out.

If OP came back tomorrow because she took your advice saying he had hit beat her or forced her out on the street without any of her belongings maybe even homeless in her case I dont know because of asking him to leave, would you change your tune? Or would you still think she did the right thing?

+1

tayforth

I'm back at the house. He's at his mum's (I assume) for the night. I'm currently packing up his stuff.

tayforth

I also have the doors double locked.

Jane2112

Just read the majority of this thread, and my thoughts and virtual hugs are with you.

I left my abusive husband 18 years ago now, but as other have said it is the same old pattern. I will not go through my story here, but it is similar to others, verbal, emotional, physical, finacial abuse.
My children, then 7 and 9 also got the "bad mummy throwing me out" speech whilst I was working two jobs to help clear his debts!

Tayforth, keep strong and remember - the best is yet to come.

Yorkie1

There's been a lot of to-ing and fro-ing about changing the locks.

OP and her (ex-)OH are joint tenants.

He legally has the right to live there until the tenancy is ended or a court order is obtained excluding him from the property. OP can give notice to end the tenancy but it won't actually end until the expiry of the notice period unless an earlier mutual surrender is agreed. I am pretty sure that the ex has to agree that mutual surrender.

Assuming the ex does not agree that mutual surrender, he is legally entitled to remain in the house until the end of the notice period. Advice that it is legally or morally fine to kick him out is not correct.

If the ex decided to play it dirty, the LL could potentially face the wrong end of a criminal investigation for illegal eviction by changing the locks. Please do not underestimate the seriousness of that.

tayforth

Jane2112 wrote: »

Just read the majority of this thread, and my thoughts and virtual hugs are with you.

I left my abusive husband 18 years ago now, but as other have said it is the same old pattern. I will not go through my story here, but it is similar to others, verbal, emotional, physical, finacial abuse.
My children, then 7 and 9 also got the "bad mummy throwing me out" speech whilst I was working two jobs to help clear his debts!

Tayforth, keep strong and remember - the best is yet to come.

Thanks so much for your post, Jane. Do feel free to PM me if you want to talk about it, I've had a few people telling me their experiences.


I'm full of adrenaline now. Packing everything away neatly. I won't go into his drawers and his private papers, I'm just doing books, DVDs etc. But it's doing me good. I can't wait for it all to be gone, along with him.

tayforth

Yorkie1 wrote: »

There's been a lot of to-ing and fro-ing about changing the locks.

OP and her (ex-)OH are joint tenants.

He legally has the right to live there until the tenancy is ended or a court order is obtained excluding him from the property. OP can give notice to end the tenancy but it won't actually end until the expiry of the notice period unless an earlier mutual surrender is agreed. I am pretty sure that the ex has to agree that mutual surrender.

Assuming the ex does not agree that mutual surrender, he is legally entitled to remain in the house until the end of the notice period. Advice that it is legally or morally fine to kick him out is not correct.

If the ex decided to play it dirty, the LL could potentially face the wrong end of a criminal investigation for illegal eviction. Please do not underestimate the seriousness of that.

I'm going to speak to Citizens' Advice tomorrow about it all. I've already decided that, if he doesn't go, I will. But if he does go (voluntarily), I'll be having the locks changed on Tuesday morning.


What will be the legal situation if I go? I'd only be leaving because his abuse has forced me out. Where will I stand? Is there a similar principle to constructive dismissal, whereby one party makes the other's life so intolerable that they have to leave?

tayforth

Another 2 questions:

1. If I do go and he torches the place or wrecks all my stuff, what then? I have contents insurance, which I'm assuming won't pay out if my husband is at fault.

2. I'll probably have no choice but to let him have our jointly owned car to move his stuff. My intention is that, if he wants it, he can buy my half share. If not, we'll sell it. Is that stupid, will he never come back with it?? Where would I stand? He is the registered keeper but I have proof that I paid half of the purchase price, plus repairs, tax, insurance, MOT etc.

Keeping_Motivated

I think if he's the registered keeper then if he is not amicable about your half then he possibly would be able to keep it.

Bare in mind that as part of the divorce he could claim half of your money and visa versa.