FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

tayforth

pinkladyof66 wrote: »

so pleased to hear you are defo in your mind it is ending and that you are being pro active and getting it sorted.

i was in a similar situation in the past many years ago been with bf 10 years got married knew i made a mistake and after 1 year of marriage I left, it was a hard thing to do i had to sort out myself a flat etc and we had the house in both names mortgaged took 2 years before it was all sorted i had to move back into the house for a while when i couldnt afford to live and pay mortgage, my ex hubbie was bringing home tarts and leaving all their clothes around the house. I woke up one weekend (i was in spare room) to find a pair of knickers and bra on my settee ( i was not amused). 20 years down the line, i am now remarried with a 4 year old. So please dont give up hope. You will move onto big and better things i can assure you.

:eek: How terrible for you. I'm so glad that you have come through it and that your life is so much happier now.

Kayalana99 wrote: »

I havn't read this thread just the first post and this page but I hope everything works out for you! I left an emotionaly abusive ex 2 years ago and it was the best thing I've ever done!(But at the time I was a complete wreck and it took me ages to build myself back up again) You seem to be in 10times worse situation then I was but as long as you stay strong for your child and get as much support as possible you will be fine!!!

As for above about it not being legal I wouldn't worry at all, people get kicked out of mortaged/owned houses all the time and if kids are involved the child & main parent always get to stay if its taken to courts so I'm sure he wouldn't have a leg to stand on in rented!

Good luck! :j

Thank you. We haven't got any children btw. But I really appreciate your post and I'm glad also that you've managed to escape and be happy again.

paulineb_2

Kayalana99 wrote: »

I havn't read this thread just the first post and this page but I hope everything works out for you! I left an emotionaly abusive ex 2 years ago and it was the best thing I've ever done!(But at the time I was a complete wreck and it took me ages to build myself back up again) You seem to be in 10times worse situation then I was but as long as you stay strong for your child and get as much support as possible you will be fine!!!

As for above about it not being legal I wouldn't worry at all, people get kicked out of mortaged/owned houses all the time and if kids are involved the child & main parent always get to stay if its taken to courts so I'm sure he wouldn't have a leg to stand on in rented!

Good luck! :j

Edit: I must of got mixed up somewhere I swear I read a child was involved, my mistake.

Im sorry but I disagree. Just because people get kicked out of homes all the time doesnt mean its the right thing to do.

And as Ive said before I absolutely agree that getting out of this relationship is the right thing.

But would you want to be kicked out of your home with potentially nowhere to go?

Would anyone? And as Ive said before Ive lived through domestic violence where eventually a relative of mine got their partner out, but that was after 2 years of abuse, mental, physical, beatings and in those days the police saw violence in the home as a domestic.

And I would never say to someone, put yourself at risk but seriously, you spend years of your life with someone and you are potentially putting them out at 24 hours notice with nowhere to go and the advice is, people get kicked out of houses all the time and thats ok?

I dont think its ok. And I dont think its ok because somewhere along the line if you have spent so much time with someone, years of your life, you can surely spend a few days with them while you hopefully civilly end the marriage and look to the future.

Would any of us want to be in a relationship where when it ends you get told there and then its over and you have to get out of your house the same night?

I wouldnt. And as Ive said before I absolutely agree that for the OP breaking up is the best thing.

But if people can end a marriage with some kind of dignity even if they really dont like one another surely thats for the best.

You do something, you do it with your head held high and with some respect for the other person, even if they might not deserve it.
Because then you can walk away knowing you didnt just boot them out and change the locks on them and you might feel better for it.

And Im not trying to play down what some people suffer in marriages. Ive lived through it.

But if things are at the point where the husband wont be too shocked at the break up then surely they can come to some kind of amicable agreement about moving on and where to live.

Because personally, I would never want to be in a situation where someone says to me, pack your bags and get out and I dont have anywhere else to go.

Kayalana99

paulineb wrote: »

Im sorry but I disagree. Just because people get kicked out of homes all the time doesnt mean its the right thing to do.

And as Ive said before I absolutely agree that getting out of this relationship is the right thing.

But would you want to be kicked out of your home with potentially nowhere to go?

Would anyone? And as Ive said before Ive lived through domestic violence where eventually a relative of mine got their partner out, but that was after 2 years of abuse, mental, physical, beatings and in those days the police saw violence in the home as a domestic.

And I would never say to someone, put yourself at risk but seriously, you spend years of your life with someone and you are potentially putting them out at 24 hours notice with nowhere to go and the advice is, people get kicked out of houses all the time and thats ok?

I dont think its ok. And I dont think its ok because somewhere along the line if you have spent so much time with someone, years of your life, you can surely spend a few days with them while you hopefully civilly end the marriage and look to the future.

Would any of us want to be in a relationship where when it ends you get told there and then its over and you have to get out of your house the same night?

I wouldnt. And as Ive said before I absolutely agree that for the OP breaking up is the best thing.

But if people can end a marriage with some kind of dignity even if they really dont like one another surely thats for the best.

You do something, you do it with your head held high and with some respect for the other person, even if they might not deserve it.
Because then you can walk away knowing you didnt just boot them out and change the locks on them and you might feel better for it.

And Im not trying to play down what some people suffer in marriages. Ive lived through it.

But if things are at the point where the husband wont be too shocked at the break up then surely they can come to some kind of amicable agreement about moving on and where to live.

Because personally, I would never want to be in a situation where someone says to me, pack your bags and get out and I dont have anywhere else to go.

I never said it was morally wrong or right I was simply saying it was legally sound, but I did think a kid was invovled.

I understand what your saying but OP has said he does have somewhere else to go - so she was not making him homeless and from what I have gathered this man has made her suffer long enough and she should not have to explain it to him why he hasn't got his home to come back to!!!

Op feels she may be endangering herself by OH staying in the house then she has done the right thing in my opinion.

I don't really think your post is crediable to this situation though as I said above, he does have somewhere else to go.

In this situation he bloody deserves it!!!!


As for the post about if he was expecting it he should be able to come to some agreement you say you've been in an abusive relationship but don't seem to appreicate that its not always this simple!

My Ex chucked all my clothes over his front lawn after I climbed out the window because he locked the doors - because I said I was leaving him. I have also said I belive the OP to be in alot worse situation then me so I understand her stress of not knowing what he is going to do!

This was all in front of his 9 year old brother who he was the guardian off.

He knew it was coming, trust me.

Also, this man (I have just caught up a few posts) can be complety happy/nice for a few days but the OP does one thing 'out of line' and he is screaming at her and calling her horrible names etc.

This isnt a reasonable person, this is someone who see's red and flips. Not someone I would want to tell that he has to move out!

paulineb_2

He has somewhere else to go, he has his mums but what if his mum doesnt want him?

And yes, I understand its not a positive relationship, but that doesnt in my view justify putting someone out of their home at a couple of hours notice.

And Im not having a pop at the OP, I absolutely support her decision to end the marriage.

But telling someone to pack their bags when they are on the lease agreement of the flat? He has the legal right to be there.

And what Im trying to say is, if you try and end the marriage with as much dignity and respect irrespective of whats gone on before, you'll be able to walk away knowing you did the right thing.

Even if someone doesnt deserve it. You did the right thing by them.
If you have lived with someone for 7 years, you can wait a few days if they dont have anywhere to go

I bet if someone started a thread saying my husband is kicking me out at a few hours notice people would be up in arms.

The bottom line is, its not always as simple as ending a marriage by saying bye bye, I dont want you around, pack your stuff.

Making sure the other person has a roof over their head, well I would feel an obligation.

Unless I was in a situation where I was at risk and they had to be removed for my safety.

paulineb_2

I actually appreciate more about abusive relationships than people will ever realise. My mum started up a branch of womens aid in her home town after what she went through and she tried to help women, some of whom are now dead, because in those days police gave information about where someone had moved onto. I could tell people stories about some of the violence my mum endured that would make people sick, because in those days as I said before, violence against women was seen as a "domestic". It took 2 years for my mum to get my stepdad to leave. No one needs to tell me what its like living in a home where someone is mentally and physically abusive. I know exactly what its like.

I know its not that simple. All I am saying is, you stick it out for a few days more until someone has somewhere to go, you might feel better than putting them out, particularly if they have a legal right to stay in the home.

Kayalana99

You just can't understand these things untill you have been through them, im sorry.

Its ok saying that 'they'(As OP and partner) should do this...but you just can't imgaine how unreasonable people can be when someone is leaving them untill you've been through it.

- To your 2nd post Thats if they AGREE to go. Your posts are based on him being reasonable but I can't imgaine having to tell my Ex to get out of a house we were renting because I didn't want to be with him...I would of been the one on the streets and probally with all my stuff burnt along with it.

Yea he never would of hit me, but he would of done everything possible to make it as hard as possible for me to leave/for him to get out.

Molly41

My son (22) has today arrived at my house after being kicked out by his girlfriend. Last night she beat him around the head with an iPad, slapped him about , threw a glass at him and poured cold water over him. All this was unprovoked whilst he was lying in bed in the spare room. This was after she asked him to leave the flat he was sharing with her. He did not retaliate and he is a big lad - 6 foot plus, 15 stone. previously she had been mouthy but nothing along these lines.

Now I asked him why he did not call his dad or I to go and collect him last night but he said he did not want any more confrontation or us getting hurt.

Obviously Im not saying this is how your husband will react but please be prepared for the worst case scenario. There is no way i would want my son staying in the flat to discuss the ins and out of how the relationship will end :eek:

paulineb_2

Kayalana99 wrote: »

You just can't understand these things untill you have been through them, im sorry.

Its ok saying that 'they'(As OP and partner) should do this...but you just can't imgaine how unreasonable people can be when someone is leaving them untill you've been through it.

- To your 2nd post Thats if they AGREE to go. Your posts are based on him being reasonable but I can't imgaine having to tell my Ex to get out of a house we were renting because I didn't want to be with him...I would of been the one on the streets and probally with all my stuff burnt along with it.

Yea he never would of hit me, but he would of done everything possible to make it as hard as possible for me to leave/for him to get out.

Ive lived through domestic abuse. And if that isnt good enough for anyone in the scheme of things, fair enough. We all have our own life experiences. I saw what my mum went through, I witnessed it and I saw how she suffered. But every experience is unique and how someone reacts, feels, thinks about what their situation is, will be different from the next person.

And as you said yourself, Ive said on this thread and others, Ive had abusive relationships, Ive just not lived with the people concerned.

I would never tell someone they dont understand what an abusive relationship is because they havent lived through it. You dont need to live with someone or be married to them to have gone through negative experiences with them.

We all have our own experiences. Id never tell you you didnt know what it was like because you havent lived through something, because I dont know you and I dont know what your experiences are.

And the same goes for me and mine.

Things might go fine tomorrow. The husband might accept that hes to go and it all might go quietly and with no fuss.

But it might not. And as I said before the OP has had the benefit of talking through how she feels and working her feelings out and coming to this point.

He hasnt. And it might not be as neat and tidy as people might hope for.

I wish you well OP, but Ive no desire to get into any debate on here about whether you know what you are talking about because you havent lived through anything yourself.

It might be easy tomorrow, it might not be. And I absolutely know what its like to be in a long term relationship with someone who is mentally cruel but still have mixed feelings about it ending.

And I hope tomorrow is peaceful for you, but as I said above, I do hope you have someone with you when he is packing his things.

For your sake.

Kayalana99

paulineb wrote: »

I would never tell someone they dont understand what an abusive relationship is because they havent lived through it. You dont need to live with someone or be married to them to have gone through negative experiences with them.

I would never tell someone in an abusive relationship who doesn't feel safe to confront them.

Again though - wasnt saying you dont no what an abusive relationship is but your naive comment about him seeing reason is just looking at the world through rose tinted glass and that says to me you have never been with someone that 'unreasonable' as you wouldn't be asking OP to put herself in that situation - at best you would be telling her to leave if you still kept up your view on forcing him out.

If OP came back tomorrow because she took your advice saying he had hit beat her or forced her out on the street without any of her belongings maybe even homeless in her case I dont know because of asking him to leave, would you change your tune? Or would you still think she did the right thing?

tayforth

paulineb wrote: »

Im sorry but I disagree. Just because people get kicked out of homes all the time doesnt mean its the right thing to do.

And as Ive said before I absolutely agree that getting out of this relationship is the right thing.

But would you want to be kicked out of your home with potentially nowhere to go?

Would anyone? And as Ive said before Ive lived through domestic violence where eventually a relative of mine got their partner out, but that was after 2 years of abuse, mental, physical, beatings and in those days the police saw violence in the home as a domestic.

And I would never say to someone, put yourself at risk but seriously, you spend years of your life with someone and you are potentially putting them out at 24 hours notice with nowhere to go and the advice is, people get kicked out of houses all the time and thats ok?

I dont think its ok. And I dont think its ok because somewhere along the line if you have spent so much time with someone, years of your life, you can surely spend a few days with them while you hopefully civilly end the marriage and look to the future.

Would any of us want to be in a relationship where when it ends you get told there and then its over and you have to get out of your house the same night?

I wouldnt. And as Ive said before I absolutely agree that for the OP breaking up is the best thing.

But if people can end a marriage with some kind of dignity even if they really dont like one another surely thats for the best.

You do something, you do it with your head held high and with some respect for the other person, even if they might not deserve it.
Because then you can walk away knowing you didnt just boot them out and change the locks on them and you might feel better for it.

And Im not trying to play down what some people suffer in marriages. Ive lived through it.

But if things are at the point where the husband wont be too shocked at the break up then surely they can come to some kind of amicable agreement about moving on and where to live.

Because personally, I would never want to be in a situation where someone says to me, pack your bags and get out and I dont have anywhere else to go.

paulineb wrote: »

He has somewhere else to go, he has his mums but what if his mum doesnt want him?

And yes, I understand its not a positive relationship, but that doesnt in my view justify putting someone out of their home at a couple of hours notice.

And Im not having a pop at the OP, I absolutely support her decision to end the marriage.

But telling someone to pack their bags when they are on the lease agreement of the flat? He has the legal right to be there.

And what Im trying to say is, if you try and end the marriage with as much dignity and respect irrespective of whats gone on before, you'll be able to walk away knowing you did the right thing.

Even if someone doesnt deserve it. You did the right thing by them.
If you have lived with someone for 7 years, you can wait a few days if they dont have anywhere to go

I bet if someone started a thread saying my husband is kicking me out at a few hours notice people would be up in arms.

The bottom line is, its not always as simple as ending a marriage by saying bye bye, I dont want you around, pack your stuff.

Making sure the other person has a roof over their head, well I would feel an obligation.

Unless I was in a situation where I was at risk and they had to be removed for my safety.

paulineb wrote: »

I actually appreciate more about abusive relationships than people will ever realise. My mum started up a branch of womens aid in her home town after what she went through and she tried to help women, some of whom are now dead, because in those days police gave information about where someone had moved onto. I could tell people stories about some of the violence my mum endured that would make people sick, because in those days as I said before, violence against women was seen as a "domestic". It took 2 years for my mum to get my stepdad to leave. No one needs to tell me what its like living in a home where someone is mentally and physically abusive. I know exactly what its like.

I know its not that simple. All I am saying is, you stick it out for a few days more until someone has somewhere to go, you might feel better than putting them out, particularly if they have a legal right to stay in the home.

Please excuse me if I get a little tetchy in my reply, but I think that you're being far too generous towards my abusive OH!

I should live with him for a few days after telling him?? What, so that he can do whatever he likes to me in revenge? I've already said that he's angry and unpredictable and getting worse.

No WAY do I want to be in the same house as him after I've told him. Does that count as fearing for my safety? What if I told you that I frequently sleep in the spare room with the door locked, and have to wait until he's gone to work to come out in the morning?

It shouldn't be a surprise to him - but he's so arrogant that he probably doesn't believe that I will ever end it properly, despite trying to so many times. So perhaps he will react very badly.

If his mum doesn't want him, that's his problem. I'm 99% sure that she'll take him in. But it's none of my business whether she does or not.

As for dignity and respect - what a laugh. He's treated me like sh*t, I owe him absolutely nothing. I'll be as dignified as I can, and it'll be more than he deserves.