FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

mintymoneysaver

Tayforth, just read a few of your comments about weddings, families etc. I went to a wedding just before we split up, told everyone he had to work. Not my sister's I agree, but no one batted an eyelid. Family wise, I still see his mum and dad at least once a month, his sister and his nephews all speak to me just as much as they do to him. We have children, so I suppose it's different, but we've gone out to family occasions together a few times now. I speak to him, but there are so many more interesting people for us both to talk to.
Our 'joint' friends have all been fantastic, all much more on my side than his ( they'd all started to see what he was like) and they stay in touch with me more, but that's because I've always been the one to do the organising, arranging the meetings anyway. he doesn't bother, so they don't. They do still keep in touch with him on Facebook and stuff though, I can quite honestly say I don't think anyone has lost touch with either of us. I think it helps though that I've never slagged him off, and never quite told anyone all the reasons. If I did that they'd hate him, but those things were between me and him, and I don't see why they should affect his relationship with others.
And in the year since he left? I've gone for a promotion at work, ( which I never even thought of before) been on holiday with family and friends, had a few fantastic nights out with friends ( told you, I get the invites!) where I realised just how much I used to cringe when we went out together, and loved the fact that i could just be me! Loved the fact that my house is calm, and quiet and I can do whatever I like ( within reason, with two teenage girls!)
And my 'dalliance' the other night? Way too complicated to go into here, but it involved a fantastic, fun drunken night out with an old friend and made me realise that even though I am not looking for anyone new, it can be awfully good fun! It is possible to feel like a giddy teenager again...and so much better than the life I had before!

tayforth

I'm at my mum's and really struggling. Not with my decision but with my family. They're being hard on me about one thing and another, and I'm feeling a bit weepy and sad because they don't have a clue what I'm going through. I've had to go to bed early to get away.

duckeggblue wrote: »

Jar of hearts
By Christina perry, a song, poem about domestic abuse.

No, I can't take another step towards you
'Cause all that's waiting is regret
Don't you know I'm not your ghost any more
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are?
Runnin round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your sole
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

I hear your asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms


Sorry if some find this cheesy but it totally encapsulates that moment when you "get it" get that you've been abused and- there's no going back ( took me quite a lot of help from womens aid before I got there) also the cold detached arrogance of the abuser.

From that-I've got my " self" back-woohoo

Thanks for that. How accurate you are when you speak of the abuser's arrogance.

Heffi1 wrote: »

I have this as my ringtone and absolutely love the song, it captures exactly what is going on.

Be strong Tay you can do this and come out the other side much stronger than you ever thought possible.

In the future you begin to see the signs so quickly that you are able to walk away before you get caught up in it again.

You are worth more than he is willing to offer

Hugs because you may need them on Monday. Remember we are all with you in spirit.

Thanks. I needed a virtual hug. I'll bear your words in mind, and yes I am worth more.

sportbeth wrote: »

Wow, I used to listen to that song all the time when I first went alone, it says it all!

Just so you know Tayforth, I'm out on the town with my new friend tomorrow night, "Tom" is 34, 6 ft 2, does ironman competitions, insanely good looking and a total gentleman.

My ex was 45, 5 ft 7, as round as he was wide in the end due to the 5 bottles of Bombay sapphire he put away a week (a week!) and to add insult to injury he was cheating on me with a mother of 3 from S!!!!horpe.

Tom is just my fun flirty friend for the moment but the contrast of two lives makes me smile! Keep the faith darling, and think of your future Saturday nights if you start to wobble

Oh, well Tom sounds very nice indeed! Good for you. And LOL at the contrast with your ex!!

tayforth

sportbeth wrote: »

I'd also recommend listening to "dog days are over" by Florence and the machine at full pelt a fair few times in the next few weeks. It worked for me!

Thanks. It's playing in my head right now, and it's helping! xx

duckeggblue wrote: »

Going away to Europe tommorrow with £20 return flights to Europe- tonight scrummy .55p pizza reduction from local supermarket, listening to music( spend my days with good people so evenings, for me, are pure heaven. Now I can listen to music or talk - radio. ( ex was in control of tv remote, mostly football, from 7.30 in the morning till bedtime at 10.15).
Good people around me, xxxxx
Speak soon xx
Freedom is ... Ahh .. Heaven..
And thinking of you, you super lady xx
I love my life X now

That sounds heavenly. Just peace and quiet and - ahhh.


I literally cannot wait until Monday.

mintymoneysaver wrote: »

Tayforth, just read a few of your comments about weddings, families etc. I went to a wedding just before we split up, told everyone he had to work. Not my sister's I agree, but no one batted an eyelid. Family wise, I still see his mum and dad at least once a month, his sister and his nephews all speak to me just as much as they do to him. We have children, so I suppose it's different, but we've gone out to family occasions together a few times now. I speak to him, but there are so many more interesting people for us both to talk to.
Our 'joint' friends have all been fantastic, all much more on my side than his ( they'd all started to see what he was like) and they stay in touch with me more, but that's because I've always been the one to do the organising, arranging the meetings anyway. he doesn't bother, so they don't. They do still keep in touch with him on Facebook and stuff though, I can quite honestly say I don't think anyone has lost touch with either of us. I think it helps though that I've never slagged him off, and never quite told anyone all the reasons. If I did that they'd hate him, but those things were between me and him, and I don't see why they should affect his relationship with others.
And in the year since he left? I've gone for a promotion at work, ( which I never even thought of before) been on holiday with family and friends, had a few fantastic nights out with friends ( told you, I get the invites!) where I realised just how much I used to cringe when we went out together, and loved the fact that i could just be me! Loved the fact that my house is calm, and quiet and I can do whatever I like ( within reason, with two teenage girls!)
And my 'dalliance' the other night? Way too complicated to go into here, but it involved a fantastic, fun drunken night out with an old friend and made me realise that even though I am not looking for anyone new, it can be awfully good fun! It is possible to feel like a giddy teenager again...and so much better than the life I had before!

What an uplifting post, thank you again. It gives me hope that things will get better. I'm so pleased for you, you're doing amazingly well. And why not have a dalliance? It's put a smile on your face, I can tell xx

tayforth

I'm unable to sleep. My mind won't settle.

I forgot to mention - Mum has finally got around to framing one of our wedding photos. What horrible timing. I actually froze when I saw it. Thank goodness I was alone in the room.

And the next 2 weeks are going to be worse - Mum is expecting OH at this family party next weekend and the wedding itself the weekend after. I'm going to have to put on an Oscar-worthy performance to convince them that he's sick. If they question me too much, I'm afraid that I might crumble and tell them.

Ironically, the wedding itself should be fine, as the focus will be totally on the happy couple, and I can slip into the background quite easily. That's the theory anyway.

I just want to drive back to our house right now, end it with OH, help him pack and leave, change the locks and hide under a rock for a month.

Sorry, I feel selfish even writing that.

tayforth

For those who are asking if he would have anywhere to go - yes, his mum lives close by and has plenty of room. So he could go there.

spirit

"I just want to drive back to our house right now, end it with OH, help him pack and leave, change the locks and hide under a rock for a month."

Go for it, not the hiding away bit perhaps. You don't need the grief from your family at the moment either. If you didn't want to go home, can you go back to your friend's for the rest of the weekend?

mintymoneysaver

I hope you slept. I can honestly tell you that telling the first person is the worst ( I picked a friend from work) After that it gets easier every time, although you have to take a massive deep breath each time. They don't realise what's going on in your life at the moment. I remember my mother nattering on for ages about something totally inconsequential when I was plucking up the courage to tell her.
The photo made me laugh in a way, though it shouldn't do. My mum has a photo on her piano of ex and I ( never taken it down as it matches the one of me and my sister!) What she doesn't realise is that it was taken 4 days after I found out ( years ago) that ex was having an affair, ( we got through that bit!) and the day of a friend's wedding. I can never look at it without remembering that day...

It will get better ( and you're right, there's still a smile on my face!) x

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Goodness me, just bl00dy tell them and stop putting yourself though the wringer to save their feelings. Or are you not worthy of having feelings yourself?

tayforth

I've barely slept. I'm exhausted, but can't sleep.

spirit wrote: »

"I just want to drive back to our house right now, end it with OH, help him pack and leave, change the locks and hide under a rock for a month."

Go for it, not the hiding away bit perhaps. You don't need the grief from your family at the moment either. If you didn't want to go home, can you go back to your friend's for the rest of the weekend?

She lives hundreds of miles away, so no, sadly. I miss her


And I can't leave today. Sister has booked a pre-wedding spa afternoon for us all today, which is why I'm here this weekend. I'll leave as soon as I can tomorrow.

mintymoneysaver wrote: »

I hope you slept. I can honestly tell you that telling the first person is the worst ( I picked a friend from work) After that it gets easier every time, although you have to take a massive deep breath each time. They don't realise what's going on in your life at the moment. I remember my mother nattering on for ages about something totally inconsequential when I was plucking up the courage to tell her.
The photo made me laugh in a way, though it shouldn't do. My mum has a photo on her piano of ex and I ( never taken it down as it matches the one of me and my sister!) What she doesn't realise is that it was taken 4 days after I found out ( years ago) that ex was having an affair, ( we got through that bit!) and the day of a friend's wedding. I can never look at it without remembering that day...

It will get better ( and you're right, there's still a smile on my face!) x

Your mother still has that photo up?


Have you ever asked her to take it down? I hadn't thought what my mum will do, but no way do I want to be looking at photos of me and him after I tell her.

You're right about the deep breaths btw xx

Funky_Bold_Ribena wrote: »

Goodness me, just bl00dy tell them and stop putting yourself though the wringer to save their feelings. Or are you not worthy of having feelings yourself?

I can't. And yes, I'd love to. But not until after the wedding. Then I'll tell the whole world. But I have to stick by my decision now.


At least my aunt knows, and I'll have a word with her beforehand so that she can distract my mum the weekend of the wedding if she starts asking too many questions. She doesn't want Mum to know either, so she'll do it.



I'll probably feel a huge sense of relief when Monday is over, multiplied by ten when the wedding's over and I can tell my mum.

duckeggblue

Be kind to yourself today , look after yourself, try and get out for a walk ? Edit-spa afternoon- lovelyx
An early shower to pep you up , and do eat well. Xx your worth so much more x