FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

mintymoneysaver

Hi, I haven't read all your post, but I just wanted to tell you that just over a year ago I ended my 22 year marriage to a man who could be emotionally cruel. Our ( joint) friends were all so pleased as they'd seen how unhappy it made me, and it has honestly been the best decsion I've ever made. I am so so so much happier. I've been single for the year, and quite happily so, until yesterday when I had a bit of a 'do' with one of our friends! Nothing can come of it, but it was great fun and I've been walking round with a big smile on my face all day! Even a fat 40 year old like me can still enjoy life!

tayforth

CH27 wrote: »

So when are you going to tell him it's over?

ASAP.


Debating whether to (a) tell him tomorrow evening, then go to my mum's for the weekend and ask him to be gone by Sunday night (risk of him wrecking my stuff while I'm away), or (b) tell him on Sunday night and be there while he moves out (could be very unpleasant but at least I'll know that my stuff is safe).


Thoughts?

tayforth

mintymoneysaver wrote: »

Hi, I haven't read all your post, but I just wanted to tell you that just over a year ago I ended my 22 year marriage to a man who could be emotionally cruel. Our ( joint) friends were all so pleased as they'd seen how unhappy it made me, and it has honestly been the best decsion I've ever made. I am so so so much happier. I've been single for the year, and quite happily so, until yesterday when I had a bit of a 'do' with one of our friends! Nothing can come of it, but it was great fun and I've been walking round with a big smile on my face all day! Even a fat 40 year old like me can still enjoy life!

Thanks so much for sharing your story. It's lovely that your friends have seen the difference in you, and are happy for you.


What was the final straw for you?

Brighton_belle

Completely understand your reasons but my first thought is, isn't two days notice to find somewhere for him and his stuff to move too very short notice? Unless you know he has somewhere?

warwicktiger

tayforth wrote: »

ASAP.


Debating whether to (a) tell him tomorrow evening, then go to my mum's for the weekend and ask him to be gone by Sunday night (risk of him wrecking my stuff while I'm away), or (b) tell him on Sunday night and be there while he moves out (could be very unpleasant but at least I'll know that my stuff is safe).


Thoughts?

Does he have somewhere to go? and the means of moving his stuff immediately? If either are lacking they will give him reasons or excuses for hanging around. Tell him on Friday evening, but have a friend around to stay of you can, or your mum.

As you know, I have followed this thread and wish you well. Life is not over, a new one will begin. Do not rush into anything, for a while you will be looking backwards, not forwards but that will pass.

Hugs.

mintymoneysaver

tayforth wrote: »

Thanks so much for sharing your story. It's lovely that your friends have seen the difference in you, and are happy for you.


What was the final straw for you?

Our daughter's 18th ( though I'd never tell her that) I had a great time with our friends, while he sat in a corner, drank, got annoyed with people. And I sat there and thought if we can't eveen enjoy our own daughter's birthday together what hope have we got? It took 4 months after that for him to actually leave, but it was amicable, he knew he was being completely unfair and mean and nasty and that I hadn't done anything wrong. I think he knew our relationship wasn't working and wanted out, but couldn't leave me so just made life a misery instead. My family, who I was so scared of telling, were fantastic, his family too ( they like me more than him anyway!) and our friends.
And there's a bright future ahead. After having no desire to meet anyone else to get a rather surprise cuddle, snog and a bit more(!) session off a wonderful friend has been a real treat! I've still got that masive secret smile on my face!:j

paulineb_2

Ask someone to be there when he moves his stuff out and yes you need to give him time to find somewhere else I think, but dont be alone when he goes and yes, you do need to tell him its over sooner rather than later.

I know someone who married within a year of meeting someone, he was jealous and controlling but it got worse after they got married. She put him out, he lives a few hundred miles away but hes harassing her by phone every night and shes finding it tough and a lot of people knew before they got wed that it would end in tears, what some people see as being fussed over and being loved, others, well alarm bells are ringing.

Shes a lovely girl and she'll be ok in the end and I know she had to steel herself to get him out, but shes done it. The relationship was seriously unhealthy.

I was out with her and some other people I know about a year ago and I was thinking to myself, she wont do it, because even then she was making excuses for him.

Its tough. Ive loved people who have been so wrong for me and even though years on I still know they were wrong, one ex in particular, I would never ever go back to, but I still care for them, I care for me more though and thats why its best we are apart.

As for the other man. You dont know him well enough to know what a relationship with him would be like, it might be awful, hes just someone I suppose that you know you can care for other people, but its not reality, its escapism and your home life, well you need an escape.

Its very easy to build people up in our minds as being wonderful, but you cant know until you know someone really well.

harrys_nan

only you know how he likely to react, I think you should be there, but and a big but, if you think he might kick off in any way then have someone very close, eg outside the back door??, just in case.
Take care and I hope all goes well when you tell him, xx

Peanut2013

Tayforth, Im so pleased for you

I too went to stay with a friend and knew at that point I had made the right decision in insisting it was indeed over.

Best of luck for this weekend. I also agree to have a friend possibly sat around the corner in a car just in case.

duckeggblue

I would like to say, I haven't read the whole thread -edited-read it now .but enough. What you are suffering is without doubt domestic abuse.
As someone else said, watch for the pattern. Expect him to grovell and apologise, blame his anger, his job,his childhood, anything to get you back where he wants you.oh yes, watch for the acting job the tears-and you now will just feel detached coldness.Because you know it's an act-he's pretty cold emotionally-it's ALL about control, and Hun, you've figured it now.
M ex tried the psychiatrist the cbt , the counsellor, he strung them all along, but- they knew him..
I finally left This emotionally abusive relationship 6 months ago. ( Was married for 7 years-he was abusive even on our honeymoon), abuse makes you ill and it's hard for people who haven't suffered it to understand the control they exert.Its subtle at first, drip , drip drip at your confidence.

And he was such a charmer, which is a dangerous type of abuser, he was always telling me how much people loved him.He could charm the birds out of the trees. One of his friends said to me " he's so soft and gentle" ha! That ego.He could be very generous and ...it was just his ego.

He tells me he " misses me" .As a good friend ( who i told the whole sordid sad story ) said,
" Of course he misses you, who else has he got to pick on?"

And I had left before, on one occasion into refuge, but as soon as he got me back the vile behaviour started up again, within 2 days, I was at times suicidal.

Some of the things he told me (classic abuse as I later discovered): You make me angry , other people have said x y z about you, your children don't love you, they don't even x y z, I'm a very private person( hmm that's why you like to shout our business in the garden, or with the windows open). When i was driven to try to argue back, he then would be able to say " We are both abusive".When id try to raise his physical threats hed say i'd hit him! H e never hit me but had slammed breaks on at high speed, frequently stoood inches from my face, furious body language, trampled over me in bed when in a temper, etc i forget it all. short fuse/obsession addiction/compulsion.
He managed to isolate me from other people , lots of name calling, clever mocking.. I was suffering so badly from anxiety I think I developed a type of agrophobia and hardly went out for 6 months.
Once I realised I was being abused, for me the way to break his spell, and to reinforce to myself that I WAS right about the abuse, was to tell as many people, practically as I could, and that was what he had not wanted, that's why he tried to isolate me , so I didn't tell anyone and get strength from them.

I too was scared of being on my own, you see I used to hate being on my own- but what I hadn't realised was the deep , deep peace and the tranquility of not being put down, not having my feelings mocked, my wishes ignored, lack of love . That hand holding moment you describe, perhaps that tiny bit of gentleness and kindness was something you longed for, not the person?

The first few weeks on my own felt like I was in paradise compared to what I was enduring. So happy, I could breathe again!

Also there's a huge difference between using relate in a normal break up, and an abusive one. Relate will actually not counsel abusive relationships. The abuser just uses the session to re-viictimise the abused party which can be even more devastating.
Good luck,sorry for the long long post, I've been there too.