FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

tayforth

Thanks so much to you all. I'm still at my friend's house so can't reply until this afternoon, but I've read all of your posts and appreciate every single one. Truly I do. You're all lovely xx

My friend has been amazing. I owe her a huge debt of gratitude for being there for me. I've always known that she's a solid gold friend but she has gone above and beyond in the last few days. I've gained so much strength from her, and I'm going back this afternoon knowing that I can face whatever comes.


duckeggblue - your post made me cry just now. I'll write you a proper reply later, I promise xxx

ERICS_MUM

tayforth wrote: »

Thanks so much to you all. I'm still at my friend's house so can't reply until this afternoon, but I've read all of your posts and appreciate every single one. Truly I do. You're all lovely xx

My friend has been amazing. I owe her a huge debt of gratitude for being there for me. I've always known that she's a solid gold friend but she has gone above and beyond in the last few days. I've gained so much strength from her, and I'm going back this afternoon knowing that I can face whatever comes.


duckeggblue - your post made me cry just now. I'll write you a proper reply later, I promise xxx

You have done remarkably well in a few days - I'm proud of you and I don't even know you ! Your friend has helped you discover your inner strength (well, so did your OH but not intentionally). Be kind to yourself now, enjoy your time, your family and your friends before you start making long term plans.

Linda xx

sportbeth

duckeggblue wrote: »

I would like to say, I haven't read the whole thread -edited-read it now .but enough. What you are suffering is without doubt domestic abuse.
As someone else said, watch for the pattern. Expect him to grovell and apologise, blame his anger, his job,his childhood, anything to get you back where he wants you.oh yes, watch for the acting job the tears-and you now will just feel detached coldness.Because you know it's an act-he's pretty cold emotionally-it's ALL about control, and Hun, you've figured it now.
M ex tried the psychiatrist the cbt , the counsellor, he strung them all along, but- they knew him..
I finally left This emotionally abusive relationship 6 months ago. ( Was married for 7 years-he was abusive even on our honeymoon), abuse makes you ill and it's hard for people who haven't suffered it to understand the control they exert.Its subtle at first, drip , drip drip at your confidence.

And he was such a charmer, which is a dangerous type of abuser, he was always telling me how much people loved him.He could charm the birds out of the trees. One of his friends said to me " he's so soft and gentle" ha! That ego.He could be very generous and ...it was just his ego.

He tells me he " misses me" .As a good friend ( who i told the whole sordid sad story ) said,
" Of course he misses you, who else has he got to pick on?"

And I had left before, on one occasion into refuge, but as soon as he got me back the vile behaviour started up again, within 2 days, I was at times suicidal.

Some of the things he told me (classic abuse as I later discovered): You make me angry , other people have said x y z about you, your children don't love you, they don't even x y z, I'm a very private person( hmm that's why you like to shout our business in the garden, or with the windows open). When i was driven to try to argue back, he then would be able to say " We are both abusive".When id try to raise his physical threats hed say i'd hit him! H e never hit me but had slammed breaks on at high speed, frequently stoood inches from my face, furious body language, trampled over me in bed when in a temper, etc i forget it all. short fuse/obsession addiction/compulsion.
He managed to isolate me from other people , lots of name calling, clever mocking.. I was suffering so badly from anxiety I think I developed a type of agrophobia and hardly went out for 6 months.
Once I realised I was being abused, for me the way to break his spell, and to reinforce to myself that I WAS right about the abuse, was to tell as many people, practically as I could, and that was what he had not wanted, that's why he tried to isolate me , so I didn't tell anyone and get strength from them.

I too was scared of being on my own, you see I used to hate being on my own- but what I hadn't realised was the deep , deep peace and the tranquility of not being put down, not having my feelings mocked, my wishes ignored, lack of love . That hand holding moment you describe, perhaps that tiny bit of gentleness and kindness was something you longed for, not the person?

The first few weeks on my own felt like I was in paradise compared to what I was enduring. So happy, I could breathe again!

Also there's a huge difference between using relate in a normal break up, and an abusive one. Relate will actually not counsel abusive relationships. The abuser just uses the session to re-viictimise the abused party which can be even more devastating.
Good luck,sorry for the long long post, I've been there too.

this is absolutely spot on. I had precisely the same routine. Uncontrollable, wailing tears, bordering on mental speeches that were drawn out and intended to get me back on side. I even had the "I was abused as a child" routine. In 7 years of a relationship including a marriage I hadnt heard this one and he decided to pull it out of the bag as I was leaving him. (FWIW he came from a very normal, nuclear family)

I did the same thing. I just stared at him completely cold and in disbelief at the desperate levels he would go to in order to emotionally blackmail me when he lost control.

I hope Tayforth will feel the same. Because nothing re-affirmed in my head that I was doing the right thing than that moment when this happened.

MacGirl80

If there is nothing you can salvage from your marriage, get out, you will only regret it further down the line when you are still unhappy. Give yourself, and him, a chance to find somebody else with whom you can be happy, you deserve it, and, if you do end up single, better that than trapped in an unhappy relationship. At least if you're single you give yourself the chance to find someone new.

tayforth

I'm back. Going to my mum's for the weekend shortly, but he was here when I arrived just before going for a walk. I asked him if we could talk about everything on Monday night. He said yes. He seemed a little nervous, but is obviously expecting a massive bollocking and then a reconciliation. Boy, is he in for a surprise.

So the date is set. There's no backing out now.

ERICS_MUM wrote: »

You have done remarkably well in a few days - I'm proud of you and I don't even know you ! Your friend has helped you discover your inner strength (well, so did your OH but not intentionally). Be kind to yourself now, enjoy your time, your family and your friends before you start making long term plans.

Linda xx

Thanks so much Linda. Even though we don't know each other, it's still incredibly encouraging to read such a lovely post xx

sportbeth wrote: »

this is absolutely spot on. I had precisely the same routine. Uncontrollable, wailing tears, bordering on mental speeches that were drawn out and intended to get me back on side. I even had the "I was abused as a child" routine. In 7 years of a relationship including a marriage I hadnt heard this one and he decided to pull it out of the bag as I was leaving him. (FWIW he came from a very normal, nuclear family)

I did the same thing. I just stared at him completely cold and in disbelief at the desperate levels he would go to in order to emotionally blackmail me when he lost control.

I hope Tayforth will feel the same. Because nothing re-affirmed in my head that I was doing the right thing than that moment when this happened.

I'm prepared for all of this. I know what he's like. He won't get the reaction he's probably expecting. I'm 100% finished with him and there is no going back.

MacGirl80 wrote: »

If there is nothing you can salvage from your marriage, get out, you will only regret it further down the line when you are still unhappy. Give yourself, and him, a chance to find somebody else with whom you can be happy, you deserve it, and, if you do end up single, better that than trapped in an unhappy relationship. At least if you're single you give yourself the chance to find someone new.

Thank you. And you're right xx

duckeggblue

Jar of hearts
By Christina perry, a song, poem about domestic abuse.

No, I can't take another step towards you
'Cause all that's waiting is regret
Don't you know I'm not your ghost any more
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are?
Runnin round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your sole
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

I hear your asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms


Sorry if some find this cheesy but it totally encapsulates that moment when you "get it" get that you've been abused and- there's no going back ( took me quite a lot of help from womens aid before I got there) also the cold detached arrogance of the abuser.

From that-I've got my " self" back-woohoo

Heffi1

duckeggblue wrote: »

Jar of hearts
By Christina perry, a song, poem about domestic abuse.


I hear your asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms


Sorry if some find this cheesy but it totally encapsulates that moment when you "get it" get that you've been abused and- there's no going back ( took me quite a lot of help from womens aid before I got there) also the cold detached arrogance of the abuser.

I have this as my ringtone and absolutely love the song, it captures exactly what is going on.

Be strong Tay you can do this and come out the other side much stronger than you ever thought possible.

In the future you begin to see the signs so quickly that you are able to walk away before you get caught up in it again.

You are worth more than he is willing to offer

Hugs because you may need them on Monday. Remember we are all with you in spirit.

sportbeth

Wow, I used to listen to that song all the time when I first went alone, it says it all!

Just so you know Tayforth, I'm out on the town with my new friend tomorrow night, "Tom" is 34, 6 ft 2, does ironman competitions, insanely good looking and a total gentleman.

My ex was 45, 5 ft 7, as round as he was wide in the end due to the 5 bottles of Bombay sapphire he put away a week (a week!) and to add insult to injury he was cheating on me with a mother of 3 from S!!!!horpe.

Tom is just my fun flirty friend for the moment but the contrast of two lives makes me smile! Keep the faith darling, and think of your future Saturday nights if you start to wobble

sportbeth

I'd also recommend listening to "dog days are over" by Florence and the machine at full pelt a fair few times in the next few weeks. It worked for me!

duckeggblue

Going away to Europe tommorrow with £20 return flights to Europe- tonight scrummy .55p pizza reduction from local supermarket, listening to music( spend my days with good people so evenings, for me, are pure heaven. Now I can listen to music or talk - radio. ( ex was in control of tv remote, mostly football, from 7.30 in the morning till bedtime at 10.15).
Good people around me, xxxxx
Speak soon xx
Freedom is ... Ahh .. Heaven..
And thinking of you, you super lady xx
I love my life X now