FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

sportbeth

tayforth wrote: »

OMG!!!! What a cow! That's obviously insecurity. I can't stand people slagging off others, but to do so on FB is extra nasty.

And did he agree to play it all down and be amicable?


I love your description of your new life

I know. There were other comments from her, I must have done well out if my divorce, erm, what about the prospect that a woman can just do it for herself in the boardroom??

He did, but only because he asked me not to tell people about his cheating, so it might have been a bit different in my case.

It sounds great when I sit back and think about it but its all true! I've just put a load or random photo frames in my front hallway with photos of things I did in the first 18 months of "recovery". It's the first thing I see when I come downstairs every day. It makes me a little but proud!

tayforth

Oh, how b.itchy of her. People can be so terrible. At least you know the truth, and she'll have made herself look bad by saying such things.

And I love your photo idea! That's really positive and inspirational

harrys_nan

harrys_nan

Good morning,
I copied that off my friends FB page and thought of you and many more people in your situation, I think it sums everything up.
Take care, you have a lot to look forward to,xx :)

consultant31

tayforth wrote: »

Another admission: I can't help wondering how things will change with our friends, well those who were 'his' friends to begin with.

Also, I am close to my SIL (his brother's wife) and would like that to continue.

How do I handle this?

This - I still bump into my ex quite a lot and just don't really worry about it. He's just somebody that I used to know...
You have to both be adult about the split, then hopefully you may end up, if not friends, at least able to be pleasant if and when you bump into one another. If you're friends with your SIL, how will that change? A true friend will support you no matter what. It doesn't mean that it has to be you OR the ex!

Peanut2013

True friends will stick by you

I have quite a few friends who were his first but we've continued to stay close. One however went very nasty but I've realised I've not lost much to be honest!

My biggest 'success' was my group of best friends who I'd drifted from, not through my choice. They instantly rallied around me, almost setting up a rota to ensure I was kept busy and one let me move in with him

For me the first thing I did once single was get back into an old hobby that was my entire life as a teenager. Again something I gave up not through choice. But I'm still there and loving it, plus its brought me closer to all of my friends and I've ignited new friendships

tayforth

Good morning, whoever is reading this I'm still not sleeping all that well, but better than last week.

OH must still be at his mum's, he didn't come back last night. I did ask him last week to stay there the first couple of nights this week, so perhaps he has heeded me. All his stuff is still in the house, though.

I'm taking the rest of the week off, and going to visit my friend tomorrow. And on a whim, I've booked a hair appointment for this afternoon. I need a trim anyway, and having my hair cut always does me the world of good.

harrys_nan wrote: »

harrys_nan wrote: »

Good morning,
I copied that off my friends FB page and thought of you and many more people in your situation, I think it sums everything up.
Take care, you have a lot to look forward to,xx :)

Thank you. That's really lovely. :A I shall print it and stick it on the fridge.

tayforth

consultant31 wrote: »

This - I still bump into my ex quite a lot and just don't really worry about it. He's just somebody that I used to know...
You have to both be adult about the split, then hopefully you may end up, if not friends, at least able to be pleasant if and when you bump into one another. If you're friends with your SIL, how will that change? A true friend will support you no matter what. It doesn't mean that it has to be you OR the ex!

Thank you. I would like it to be amicable, we shall see.

Peanut2013 wrote: »

True friends will stick by you

I have quite a few friends who were his first but we've continued to stay close. One however went very nasty but I've realised I've not lost much to be honest!

My biggest 'success' was my group of best friends who I'd drifted from, not through my choice. They instantly rallied around me, almost setting up a rota to ensure I was kept busy and one let me move in with him

For me the first thing I did once single was get back into an old hobby that was my entire life as a teenager. Again something I gave up not through choice. But I'm still there and loving it, plus its brought me closer to all of my friends and I've ignited new friendships

I'm really heartened by your post. It's lovely that your true friends stuck by you, and even better that you've rediscovered your old hobby and made new friends xx

tayforth

Going to the hairdresser shortly. I'm looking forward to it. It's been months since I had my hair done, I've neglected it. I won't be having a drastic cut, mind! Isn't that what women usually do when they break up with someone?

Then I'm going home to pack for visiting my friend, and then I'm going to have a good night's sleep.

Thank goodness we have a spare room, so I don't have to wonder whether I'll be disturbed.

tayforth

I'm so pleased with my hair. Only had about 2in cut off but it's done me good.

I was having a few wobbles earlier, but then I reread a few Refuge articles that helped me the other day. These are the 'barriers to leaving' that they describe, the ones in red are mine:

---

Safety - the woman may be fearful of what the abuser will do to her and the children if they left or attempted to leave
Lack of self confidence - the woman may believe that she would never find anyone else if she left
Denial – she convinces herself that “it’s not that bad”
Shame – she is embarrassed of people finding out
Guilt – the abuser makes her believe that she is to blame for his actions
Financial dependence – the woman may not be able to support herself and her children independently
Loyalty – she may be devoted to the abuser regardless of his actions
Fear of being alone – she fears being lonely
Hope - she believes that things will improve with time
Lack of support – she doesn’t know who to turn to
Pressure - family and friends pressurise her to stay and ‘make it work’
Religious/community beliefs – she is under pressure not to break up the family
Love – despite the abuse, she still loves him
Jekyll and Hyde - the abuser switches between charm and rage; the woman thinks, ‘He’s not always like this’
Intimidation – the abuser threatens to take the children or pets away
Parenting – she wants the children to be raised by both parents together
Rescuer – she believes she can make him change
Gender roles – she might normalise his behaviour because he’s a man - ‘that’s how men are’. She may believe it’s the woman’s role to put the needs of others first
Immigration - if the woman has insecure immigration status, she mayfear being deported

---

Gosh. Looking at that list, two major factors jump out:

1. I felt that I'd invested so much into the relationship (in terms of time, emotion, getting married) that I couldn't leave, and the longer I stayed, the more that was true.

2. I was (and still am) genuinely scared of the unknown, of being lonely, of never meeting anyone else, and worst of all - of someday regretting leaving him.


'Pressure' doesn't apply to me, but only because I haven't really told friends before now. TBH, I think that I subconsciously chose the two friends whom I thought wouldn't advise me to give it another go, but one of them did. So if I'd told others, I might have caved in under the weight of several of them telling me the same thing, and stayed.


Goodness knows what my mum will say. She'll be upset, but I think that she'll be more concerned about my happiness than anything, and if I say that I'm not happy with him, then I hope that she'll support me.