FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

sportbeth

tayforth wrote: »

I hope so. I'm alternating between lots of feelings ATM. Also trying to imagine what it'll be like afterwards. I'm ashamed to admit that I'm scared.

Don't be scared. It's natural but really don't be. When I was in your shoes I kept remembering the time before him, when I was on my own before. I survived fine back then 7 years younger and a lot more skint!

Now I realise how much of me I lost. My whole personality disappeared. And when you see you coming back you'll have a big beaming smile on your face every day

tayforth

sportbeth wrote: »

Don't be scared. It's natural but really don't be. When I was in your shoes I kept remembering the time before him, when I was on my own before. I survived fine back then 7 years younger and a lot more skint!

Now I realise how much of me I lost. My whole personality disappeared. And when you see you coming back you'll have a big beaming smile on your face every day

That rings true. I don't feel like 'me' any more. I haven't been properly happy in a while. I'd like to get that back.

And I know that I survived fine before him; in fact, I had a great time. But I was in my 20s, sharing a house with two good friends, carefree etc. Now I'm in my mid-30s and will be living alone, and most of my friends are paired off.

So it will be different. But I need to get out there, make the effort to do things, see friends, make new ones. Instead of just sitting on the sofa every night. That wasn't my style before, I need to nip it in the bud.

At the same time, I don't want to be so afraid of solitude that I spend every evening out, not wanting to come back to an empty house. I need to rediscover enjoyment of my own company - just relaxing, watching a film, reading a book - whatever.

It helps that the evenings are getting longer, for definite. I love this time of year, it's a season of hope.


So how did you find it at first? What's changed? Did you have any challenges? What have been the best things?

tayforth

Another admission: I can't help wondering how things will change with our friends, well those who were 'his' friends to begin with.

Also, I am close to my SIL (his brother's wife) and would like that to continue.

How do I handle this?

thorsoak

Those who are true friends will remain true friends - those who are not true friends will not - you do find out who are your good friends!

But it is possible to remain friends with both partners - by refusing to take sides, by treating each person as that person alone, by not running down one to t'other - not talking about them/changing the subject - it does work.

When my OH's best friend married, we became great friends with his wife as well - when they divorced, we still remained friends with both - and in fact when OH was ill, it was BF's ex-wife's new partner who drove them both down to see him and they all came to the funeral.

Just tell SIL that you don't wish her to feel disloyal to her OH/OH's brother, but you'd still like to be friends. Spell it out - and its then up to her.

tayforth

Thank you. I will. She is a lovely girl, and I hope that she stays in touch with me. I like OH's brother a lot too - it may be too much to expect him to stay friends with me, but I could meet SIL away from their house for coffee if she wanted.

As for the friends - we'll just have to see.

(your thread has been very moving, btw xx)

iamashoppingaddict

I've read your whole thread and I feel a little jealous. I love my own company and but then on the other hand I don't want to be alone either!

Good luck anyway. Hopefully he'll get the 'hint' soon enough!

sportbeth

tayforth wrote: »

That rings true. I don't feel like 'me' any more. I haven't been properly happy in a while. I'd like to get that back.

And I know that I survived fine before him; in fact, I had a great time. But I was in my 20s, sharing a house with two good friends, carefree etc. Now I'm in my mid-30s and will be living alone, and most of my friends are paired off.

So it will be different. But I need to get out there, make the effort to do things, see friends, make new ones. Instead of just sitting on the sofa every night. That wasn't my style before, I need to nip it in the bud.

At the same time, I don't want to be so afraid of solitude that I spend every evening out, not wanting to come back to an empty house. I need to rediscover enjoyment of my own company - just relaxing, watching a film, reading a book - whatever.

It helps that the evenings are getting longer, for definite. I love this time of year, it's a season of hope.


So how did you find it at first? What's changed? Did you have any challenges? What have been the best things?

At first I just loved all the little things. Nobody snoring next to me, me being able to buy anything I wanted for the house and not running it past someone first, trying new things, like getting back into the gym, changing my hair, my image, listening to loud music etc.....

The challenge for me was Sundays and my friends agree with this too. Sundays are a bore if you have nothing planned. But I've also got new friends who are also single so we plan stuff at weekends. Nights out on a Saturday with a stay over then brunch with other friends on the Sunday.

The day to day is a piece of cake really. My ex was so useless round the house that I haven't struggled with DIY or heavy lifting etc. dating is an eye opener but hilarious too!

I was 34 when I left my ex, I'm guessing we're similar ages. It is like feeling alive again. You find yourself suddenly opening yourself up to ideas you'd never thought of before. And focusing on something that's a real hobby is great for your distraction. I go to the gym 4 times a week so as well as looking a lot better than I used to, I also have the endorphin kick + a distraction for a couple of hours if I'm feeling a bit like I'm at a loose end.

And don't worry about the friends/family politics. It's bound to happen, I found out very quickly who my true friends were. A few loved the change in me and were happy that I'd got myself back. A fee got a bit holier than thou about it and we don't speak anymore. It's natural. But you'll also find new friends who want to kick around with other single people and not stay in on a Saturday night. You just find yourself meeting them when you start to put yourself up for trying new things

tayforth

I got home a whole ago. He's not here, but all his stuff is. Not sure whether he's out for the night or what. If he is giving me space, I'd quite like to know for how long.

iamashoppingaddict wrote: »

I've read your whole thread and I feel a little jealous. I love my own company and but then on the other hand I don't want to be alone either!

Good luck anyway. Hopefully he'll get the 'hint' soon enough!

Thanks for the good wishes. Are you wanting to leave a relationship as well? xx

sportbeth wrote: »

At first I just loved all the little things. Nobody snoring next to me, me being able to buy anything I wanted for the house and not running it past someone first, trying new things, like getting back into the gym, changing my hair, my image, listening to loud music etc.....

The challenge for me was Sundays and my friends agree with this too. Sundays are a bore if you have nothing planned. But I've also got new friends who are also single so we plan stuff at weekends. Nights out on a Saturday with a stay over then brunch with other friends on the Sunday.

The day to day is a piece of cake really. My ex was so useless round the house that I haven't struggled with DIY or heavy lifting etc. dating is an eye opener but hilarious too!

I was 34 when I left my ex, I'm guessing we're similar ages. It is like feeling alive again. You find yourself suddenly opening yourself up to ideas you'd never thought of before. And focusing on something that's a real hobby is great for your distraction. I go to the gym 4 times a week so as well as looking a lot better than I used to, I also have the endorphin kick + a distraction for a couple of hours if I'm feeling a bit like I'm at a loose end.

And don't worry about the friends/family politics. It's bound to happen, I found out very quickly who my true friends were. A few loved the change in me and were happy that I'd got myself back. A fee got a bit holier than thou about it and we don't speak anymore. It's natural. But you'll also find new friends who want to kick around with other single people and not stay in on a Saturday night. You just find yourself meeting them when you start to put yourself up for trying new things

Thanks for that - very uplifting.

I'm 35 btw.

Did some of your friends judge your harshly for leaving? I haven't really thought about that yet, but perhaps it will happen. If it does, I'll have to deal with it.

I'm looking forward to the future - who knows what's around the corner? As you say, it opens up a lot of possibilities. I was always very outgoing and adventurous - I've climbed mountains, done marathons. All pre-OH, of course. Maybe I'll have some new adventures without him.

I really appreciate your posts xxx

sportbeth

tayforth wrote: »

I got home a whole ago. He's not here, but all his stuff is. Not sure whether he's out for the night or what. If he is giving me space, I'd quite like to know for how long.




Thanks for the good wishes. Are you wanting to leave a relationship as well? xx





Thanks for that - very uplifting.

I'm 35 btw.

Did some of your friends judge your harshly for leaving? I haven't really thought about that yet, but perhaps it will happen. If it does, I'll have to deal with it.

I'm looking forward to the future - who knows what's around the corner? As you say, it opens up a lot of possibilities. I was always very outgoing and adventurous - I've climbed mountains, done marathons. All pre-OH, of course. Maybe I'll have some new adventures without him.

I really appreciate your posts xxx

I don't think they judged me for leaving but there was an air of the green eyed monster there. I was a former shadow of myself once, then 6 months later I've lost weight, changed my image and when people ask me what I'm up to, all I can talk about is the next holiday or last night out or guy I'm dating. I don't have kids do my topics of conversation on that score are limited.

I heard that one woman was talking about everything she saw me up to on Facebook. I'm tagged in photos at parties or on holiday and it probably looks a lot more glittering than it really is. In truth I work 60 hours a week in a brilliant job but I also spend a lot of time with similar minded people that work hard and play harder. This woman was referring to me as if I was some sort of mid life crisis case and saying that she didn't want me near her husband. I left a cheating relationship for gods sake! I think my friends partners are therefore safe around me!

Family have been fine. We both managed it by telling people it was one of those things and there was no animosity so that helped. And I still bump into my ex quite a lot and just don't really worry about it. He's just somebody that I used to know...

tayforth

OMG!!!! What a cow! That's obviously insecurity. I can't stand people slagging off others, but to do so on FB is extra nasty.

And did he agree to play it all down and be amicable?


I love your description of your new life