FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

Person_one

End the relationship, tell your family, that's all anybody who loved you would expect you to do.

Honestly, you are way overthinking this wedding issue. I know this is a stressful time, but if you do those two things, everything will start falling into place. Please don't spend a month putting on an act, to either him or your family, that's asking too much of yourself.

What about showing your mum this thread? You've explained how you feel very clearly and very articulately, your concern for her feelings and your sister's is obvious. It might be an easy way to get it all out in the open and get the support you deserve from them and that they would want to give you in a heartbeat if they knew you needed it.

tayforth

Funky_Bold_Ribena wrote: »

Presumably she is a grown woman getting married - not a fairy princess whose bubble must not be burst.

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

balletshoes wrote: »

she's a bride - she may well be in complete fairy princess mode at the moment .

Person_one wrote: »

She's still a human, and a sister. Most women don't completely lose their ability to think about other people just because they've got a wedding venue booked!

She's not TOO bad lol. Just an excited bride to be. :A

tayforth

Person_one wrote: »

End the relationship, tell your family, that's all anybody who loved you would expect you to do.

Honestly, you are way overthinking this wedding issue. I know this is a stressful time, but if you do those two things, everything will start falling into place. Please don't spend a month putting on an act, to either him or your family, that's asking too much of yourself.

What about showing your mum this thread? You've explained how you feel very clearly and very articulately, your concern for her feelings and your sister's is obvious. It might be an easy way to get it all out in the open and get the support you deserve from them and that they would want to give you in a heartbeat if they knew you needed it.

My mum doesn't even have a mobile phone, she's never used the Internet. I'm not joking. If I did show it to her, she'd actually be more horrified that I'd told a bunch of strangers my business than anything else! :rotfl:

As for your other point, I know, it is asking a lot of myself, but I'm the one choosing to end it now, rather than waiting until afterwards. I only have one sister, and honestly, this wedding is a really big deal for us all. I can put on an act for their sake.

Person_one

If you're 100% definitely absolutely sure that she'd want you to do that (I can't believe she would, but you know her and I don't) then you have to do what you think is best.

I'm still worried that he will use the wedding to upset you or manipulate you though. If he knows its important to you that gives him some power, some leverage and from what you've told us about him he wouldn't be above using that, whoever it hurt.

tayforth

Person_one wrote: »

If you're 100% definitely absolutely sure that she'd want you to do that (I can't believe she would, but you know her and I don't) then you have to do what you think is best.

I'm still worried that he will use the wedding to upset you or manipulate you though. If he knows its important to you that gives him some power, some leverage and from what you've told us about him he wouldn't be above using that, whoever it hurt.

She wouldn't want me to do it, but we always expect more of ourselves than we do of others, don't we? At least I do. I'd forgive someone else quicker than I'd forgive myself for the same deed.

And who knows? Maybe he will use the wedding as leverage. God, I hope not. But you know what? I have no control over that.

I can't string him along until after the wedding, it's not fair on either of us.

In fact, perhaps I'll tell him that I could have put on an act just to get him to come and then dumped him straight after, but didn't want to give him false hope. That might mollify him a bit.

tayforth

I've been reading back and I've realised that there are some posts that I haven't replied to yet.

BJV wrote: »

My fault I never read all of your original thread, ( office computer)

Being nasty! Sorry never ever any excuse! No-one has the right to be like that.

Its called levels of acceptance. It starts small and then before you know it nasty becomes acceptable. The new norm and then it gets bigger. Then instead of emotionally making you feel bad it is physical. I little push, then bigger and bigger.

Leave and then get help.

Yes, yes, yes. This is exactly it. He started off small, then got worse. And after I forgave him for calling me a c**t, I forgave everything afterwards too, because I thought 'well, I forgave him for THAT.'

Damn my stupidity.

IBJackJones wrote: »

I'll be honest, if I had a hard days work and needed my 6-8 hours sleep and someone was keeping me up with a light on I wouldn't be too happy. I cannot sleep when the light is on as it disturbs me. My sleep is very important and if I don't get my sleep I find it very difficult the next day and in some cases even makes mistakes at work. He was wrong to snap and get so angry, maybe tell him to talk to you first and not snap. If he did ask you and you still kept your light on then I would say that's not very considerate on your part.

This was about 1am on a Friday night, neither of us had to work the next day.

If he's reading or watching TV in bed and I ask him to turn the light/TV off, he'll usually say 'just a few more minutes' or 'I'll just finish this chapter.' Never once have I so much as complained.

neneromanova wrote: »

I am amazed at some of your reactions!!

This emotional abuse has been happening over years by the sounds of it when he first called her a c*nt!

I personally wouldn't entertain councelling with him, but definately some on my own. He is a bully! Who wakes up and turns purple because they are so full of anger for someone having the light on?!

Jesus, I randomly turn the light on at night while I'm asleep which yes does annoy OH but he doesn't go mental! Hell, I even tickle him, tell him about the dinosaurs and the spiders at the end of the bed, ( yes I'm a very fun person to sleep next to) He just rolls over and tell me to go to sleep. That's what 2 people in a loving relationship do. And he's not getting it every night. He's lucky if he gets it once a month now due to me being pregnant and just not feeling up to it! He doesn't hold that against me.

By the sounds of it, your relationship has run its course and it's time to move on. You never know, This time next year, you might be with a lovely new man and up the duff. Things happen in weird ways. Just make sure you don't look back in 5 - 10 years time, still with this guy (who won't have changed 1 little bit) and wished you left then. You only have one life! Live it to it's full

Thank you for the pep talk. And you're right. We do only get one life. How awful that I had almost resigned myself to mine.

tayforth

Toto wrote: »

The way I see it is that it makes no difference what so ever why you married him or why you didn't leave 4 years ago etc etc. You are at this point now and you need to decide where you go from here.

Can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with this man? If you go to counselling can you see this being a relationship you want to work on and remain in for a lifetime?

If there is a part of you that remembers the way you used to feel for him and want that back, then go for counselling and work on your marriage.

If the answer is no, I really don't want this to be the only relationship I ever experience from here to the end of my days, then leave. Don't wait, don't lead your husband to believe things may change. For your sake and his release yourselves, so you can find the relationships you are supposed to be in.

You get one life don't waste it feeling so miserable x

No. I don't want to go to counselling, precisely because there's a chance that I'll be talked into giving it another go.

My conscience is clear. I've given it more goes than I should have already. I only wish that I'd made this decision sooner.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

tayforth wrote: »

She's not TOO bad lol. Just an excited bride to be. :A

You already made a huge mistake, just be honest with your family and don't make another. Yes it's the only topic at the moment but they can't expect everyone around them to stop living their lives and good or bad, you are also their daughter and sister and they will cope.

Tell them now and they have a month to get over it. Lie for a month and you are basically doing what you did with your husband and assume that your happiness has less of a value than his. You are just repeating the same with your family.

Is this really how you are going to continue forever?

moneycurious

Please get the wedding out the way, your way is best - you know your family and how people react. I also know what you mean about the taking teh shine of. I built up to doing the ending after a close friends wedding, then i became ill, 7 weeks later hes here. BUT, the time has given me space from work etc to make decision that theres no mending to be done. Going to see solictor on monday. then can get in my head things that need doing. by then we will have had one of teh family functions and to be honest , by next weekend i will have asked him to leave.
chin up.
People can only offer advice, i think you like me know how you want to play it. xx

moneysaymoneydo

As i said in previous post Tayforth I waited 11 months and had to endure a holiday knowing all along in my head, it dragged but for the sake of family i didnt want to ruin their holiday, in hindsight they wouldntve cared but I personally felt I had to see it through so go to the wedding whilst getting prepared alongside for the inevitable.

Incidently how long to the wedding Tayforth?