FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

Funky_Bold_Ribena

consultant31 wrote: »

But at least the memories of her wedding day will be perfect.

I'm with you OP, as long as you're not grieving in secret, leave it till after the wedding before telling the family otherwise it will put a damper on the occasion.

Your sister will feel guilty that she's happy and you're not, your Mum will be fretting about you all day........it's a no-brainer IMO (as long as you're not desperately sad and needing their support).

Presumably she is a grown woman getting married - not a fairy princess whose bubble must not be burst.

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

balletshoes

Funky_Bold_Ribena wrote: »

Presumably she is a grown woman getting married - not a fairy princess whose bubble must not be burst.

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

she's a bride - she may well be in complete fairy princess mode at the moment .

Person_one

balletshoes wrote: »

she's a bride - she may well be in complete fairy princess mode at the moment .

She's still a human, and a sister. Most women don't completely lose their ability to think about other people just because they've got a wedding venue booked!

Peanut2013

I really wouldn't want him there for photo's etc. If you really do want to keep it stum I'd be tempted to tell a little white lie and say he's ill / has to work etc?

Imagine seeing him in your siblings photo's

tayforth

Hello everyone.


Sorry I've been absent, I've spent the evening at my mum's. My sister and her fiance are here, and it's been all wedding talk. I don't think that I can tell them. Not yet.

paulineb wrote: »

I actually think that if you tell him not to contact them, he might go ahead and do it.

Its not the worst and deepest secret to keep, a relationship split, but as I said before, if its out in the open, you wont need to spend the next 4 weeks worrying that he might say something.

Plus it may just kick off another row that you really dont need right now.

CH27 wrote: »

He may tell them to spite you.

I'm worried that he might, but I will make it clear that he will be hurting my mum and sister most of all, both of whom he likes. If he broke up with me, no matter how shocked or angry I was, I wouldn't take it out on his family. And this cannot come as a shock to him now.

Funky_Bold_Ribena wrote: »

Of course she is - but how bad will she feel knowing that you were too scared of upsetting her to tell her what's going on in your life which - the last time - I looked is just as important.

I know that my life is important, but just for now, her wedding is the most important thing in our family IYKWIM xx

tayforth

Heffi1 wrote: »

Hi I have read the complete thread and I fully understand your view in protecting your loved ones until the wedding is over. I am 5 years out the other side of having a controlling husband who made me believe I was fat ugly and stupid and no one would want me, they would never believe a word I said if I were to complain about him, because he was very clever at putting on a front.

He asked for his first divorce after 6 weeks and then periodically over the next 25 YEARS!!!!! I was devastated that I had made such an error in judgement and I was ashamed to admit any of it to my family, so I played nice for all of that time. Inside I was dying, my self esteem was at the lowest it could be and he had me believing all of his rubbish.

Do you know what made me finally sit up and do something about it, he came home with a love bite on his neck and I confronted him about it, he tried to turn it around saying it was all my own fault for being such an awful person. God knows where I got the strength from but I told him to go upstairs and pack a bag and never darken my door again.

He sat there with his mouth open, thinking how did this all go wrong, he fully expected to have his cake and eat it too!

I lived in the house with my parents and both of our grown children, and he expected me to be quiet so that he did not lose any of his hard built reputation.

My mum to this day is so hurt that he completely took her in and fooled her.

Someone mentioned sociopath earlier, I truly believe that this is what this man is, he has now moved onto his third wife, I pity her, but hear on the grapevine that she is the stronger character and part of me chuckles that he may have finally met his match.

Not once while I was trying to hide all of this did I let on that things were less than perfect, but as many family members as I told, each one said they thought something odd was going on as I was not really happy and they could see it but felt powerless to say anything.

Please do not be like me to scared to move on with my life because he had gotten me so downtrodden.

p.s. he also said that I would never be allowed to leave with the children so I stayed. Both of my kids know never to settle for less than best and to talk to me at the first hurdle as there are often ways round problems that they may not be able to see.

I wish you much strength to have the discussion with your OH, but remember your family are the ones who truly love you and would drop everything in a heartbeat if they thought you were hurting.

Nearly forgot to say: He threatened me each and every time he could, that if I did not do things his way then he would tell my family how bad I was, I learned a lot later that he used to take my mum to one side and tell her how I was behaving in the hope of gaining sympathy, she never gave it or told me as she felt it was not her business to interfere, but all those years I kept quiet to keep the peace and he had been going behind my back all the time trying to turn my family against me.

Luckily they know me and love me and that counts for so much.

I'm speechless reading your post. My heart goes out to you and your parents, and your children too. How can anyone hurt, control and disparage another person so much.

Thanks so much for telling me your story.

tayforth

Jox wrote: »

It'll all be alright Tayforth, it might not feel like it now but it will work out fine as long as you put yourself first and take control of your life. Big hugs xx

Thank you for the hugs and the kind words. I'm a little numb ATM but I see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Gloomendoom wrote: »

When my previous marriage was breaking up, I was worried by what other people would think and a good friend said to me... "At the end of the day, nobody else really gives a !!!!!!."

A bit coarse maybe but I think he had a point.

This is true, I suppose. Well, I hope that my good friends and close family will give a sh*t, but not the gossips

Keeping_Motivated wrote: »

Look the way I see it is 'one step at a time'. For today you have made the decision not to tell you mum or sister so that is one less problem to worry about 'today'.

If that decision changes then you deal with it then.

For today you have made the decision you are ending your marriage. Try not to think too much about the past or too much into the future just think 'what can I do today to help with me deal/cope with the decision'. If you think about the past you might get angry, if you think too much about the future you may get anxious. Keep it in the day as much as you can.

Yes. I do feel that I've made a decision not to tell them before the wedding. And it's a relief.

And I've definitely decided to end it.

When I was literally about to leave this evening for my mum's, OH came home.

He was very apologetic again, and asked if he should be worried. I was in a rush, but I just said that this was not like the previous times, and that I meant what I'd said (about having no feelings for him any more) and that I absolutely wouldn't go to marriage counselling, as I didn't want to be talked into giving it another go.

I'll talk to him properly when I get back. But he must surely know that this is the end.

tayforth

Racml34 wrote: »

I just wanted to give one reassurance for you really. I was with my husband for several years but left after approximately a year of marriage (and a baby!) for most of the relationship he was emotionally abusive and towards the end physically so. It took me a long time and several 'freedom project' sessions run by the women's refuge where I met other women who had been in a similar situation for me to recognise what I'd been through.

I'm now 6 years on and have found a wonderful man who I have been with for 4 years now. I finally feel equal and cherished in my relationship. We do argue as all couples do but we sort things out without being hurtful to each other. I can honestly say leaving was the best thing I've ever done but you have to be ready in yourself. It doesn't matter what others advise it's how you feel that counts. If you really feel you want to leave then make sure you have plenty of support in place. Maybe speak to the women's refuge who can advise of groups in your area. You can attend these before asking any decision.

Whatever you decide, good luck. You deserve happiness xx

Thank you. I'm very glad that you've found happiness. You deserve it.

Telling that it's called 'freedom project' as that's exactly the word that's been floating around my head (and this thread, and my PMs) this week.

Peanut2013 wrote: »

I really wouldn't want him there for photo's etc. If you really do want to keep it stum I'd be tempted to tell a little white lie and say he's ill / has to work etc?

Imagine seeing him in your siblings photo's

That's what I will be doing. I'll be saying that he's ill. Having to work vs. a family wedding wouldn't cut it imho.

coolcait

tayforth wrote: »

He likes my mum and sister a lot, I am pretty sure that he wouldn't be so horrible as to do that.

Ya think?!

If he does, there will be hell to pay. I promise. I might have taken a lot of sh*t from him but he won't hurt my family and get away with it.

But he'll have hurt them. It really doesn't matter what you do after that, or how many (grr)s you use when talking about it. He'll still have hurt them.

(grr)

The worst thing about it is that you have basically given him a map which says "How to hurt my mother and sister".

I know you won't see it that way, and that you didn't intend it that way.

Nevertheless, that's where you are now.

All the more reason to tell your mother and sister now, in a low-key, non-dramatic way, and while they still have time to deal with it before the wedding.

You've given your OH a timebomb, you need to defuse it.

tayforth

ktb wrote: »

Tayforth, I am going to be in the massive minority here but I really do understand your plan to keep it to yourself until after your sister's wedding and unless I desperately needed their support, I personally would do the same thing in your position if my brother's wedding was imminent. I do have a bit of a tendency to try and cope with things myself in general though, which is not always for the best I suppose!

The fact that 2 people in your real life have echoed this too, could mean it is the right thing too in my opinion.

If you do decide to go with this plan, Are there friends you can confide in & get support that way instead? Your posts are sounding stronger & stronger - although I realise things may go down before they really get easier. If you aren't turning to family I hope there is someone else you can trust with this? I have only had 1 really major breakup - but i didn't want to share it with my Mum (although we are close!) and my best mate was a total rock.

Whatever you decide, i really hope the separation itself goes ok - is going to be rough road, but it will get better. And I hope you manage to enjoy the wedding without him there!!

Thank you. And yes, there are friends in whom I can confide until then. I do feel that I'm getting stronger as well. And I know that I can keep it up until the wedding. As long as they don't interrogate me about him!

consultant31 wrote: »

But at least the memories of her wedding day will be perfect.

I'm with you OP, as long as you're not grieving in secret, leave it till after the wedding before telling the family otherwise it will put a damper on the occasion.

Your sister will feel guilty that she's happy and you're not, your Mum will be fretting about you all day........it's a no-brainer IMO (as long as you're not desperately sad and needing their support).

Thanks also. I do feel that it's the right thing to do. Even if they say afterwards that I should have told them, I'm sure that they'll understand my motivation for not doing so.

coolcait wrote: »

The worst thing about it is that you have basically given him a map which says "How to hurt my mother and sister".

I know you won't see it that way, and that you didn't intend it that way.

Nevertheless, that's where you are now.

All the more reason to tell your mother and sister now, in a low-key, non-dramatic way, and while they still have time to deal with it before the wedding.

You've given your OH a timebomb, you need to defuse it.

I haven't told him yet about any of this. This was my intention. Do you think that I shouldn't tell him? When I do end it, he's bound to ask 'what about your sister's wedding?' I would if the situation were reversed. Maybe he won't. But I'm trying to prepare for it happening.

I really don't think that he would contact them. But you're right, I don't know for sure.

Oh :(:(