FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

paulineb_2

I actually think that if you tell him not to contact them, he might go ahead and do it.

Its not the worst and deepest secret to keep, a relationship split, but as I said before, if its out in the open, you wont need to spend the next 4 weeks worrying that he might say something.

Plus it may just kick off another row that you really dont need right now.

CH27

tayforth wrote: »

I can't risk not telling him of my plans. I need him to know that he is not to contact them.

He may tell them to spite you.

Heffi1

Hi I have read the complete thread and I fully understand your view in protecting your loved ones until the wedding is over. I am 5 years out the other side of having a controlling husband who made me believe I was fat ugly and stupid and no one would want me, they would never believe a word I said if I were to complain about him, because he was very clever at putting on a front.

He asked for his first divorce after 6 weeks and then periodically over the next 25 YEARS!!!!! I was devastated that I had made such an error in judgement and I was ashamed to admit any of it to my family, so I played nice for all of that time. Inside I was dying, my self esteem was at the lowest it could be and he had me believing all of his rubbish.

Do you know what made me finally sit up and do something about it, he came home with a love bite on his neck and I confronted him about it, he tried to turn it around saying it was all my own fault for being such an awful person. God knows where I got the strength from but I told him to go upstairs and pack a bag and never darken my door again.

He sat there with his mouth open, thinking how did this all go wrong, he fully expected to have his cake and eat it too!

I lived in the house with my parents and both of our grown children, and he expected me to be quiet so that he did not lose any of his hard built reputation.

My mum to this day is so hurt that he completely took her in and fooled her.

Someone mentioned sociopath earlier, I truly believe that this is what this man is, he has now moved onto his third wife, I pity her, but hear on the grapevine that she is the stronger character and part of me chuckles that he may have finally met his match.

Not once while I was trying to hide all of this did I let on that things were less than perfect, but as many family members as I told, each one said they thought something odd was going on as I was not really happy and they could see it but felt powerless to say anything.

Please do not be like me to scared to move on with my life because he had gotten me so downtrodden.

p.s. he also said that I would never be allowed to leave with the children so I stayed. Both of my kids know never to settle for less than best and to talk to me at the first hurdle as there are often ways round problems that they may not be able to see.

I wish you much strength to have the discussion with your OH, but remember your family are the ones who truly love you and would drop everything in a heartbeat if they thought you were hurting.

Nearly forgot to say: He threatened me each and every time he could, that if I did not do things his way then he would tell my family how bad I was, I learned a lot later that he used to take my mum to one side and tell her how I was behaving in the hope of gaining sympathy, she never gave it or told me as she felt it was not her business to interfere, but all those years I kept quiet to keep the peace and he had been going behind my back all the time trying to turn my family against me.

Luckily they know me and love me and that counts for so much.

Jox

It'll all be alright Tayforth, it might not feel like it now but it will work out fine as long as you put yourself first and take control of your life. Big hugs xx

Gloomendoom

paulineb wrote: »

Its not the worst and deepest secret to keep, a relationship split,

When my previous marriage was breaking up, I was worried by what other people would think and a good friend said to me... "At the end of the day, nobody else really gives a !!!!!!."

A bit coarse maybe but I think he had a point.

Keeping_Motivated

Look the way I see it is 'one step at a time'. For today you have made the decision not to tell you mum or sister so that is one less problem to worry about 'today'.

If that decision changes then you deal with it then.

For today you have made the decision you are ending your marriage. Try not to think too much about the past or too much into the future just think 'what can I do today to help with me deal/cope with the decision'. If you think about the past you might get angry, if you think too much about the future you may get anxious. Keep it in the day as much as you can.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

tayforth wrote: »

But it's not my wedding, and I have no right to spoil it. My sister is so excited and happy, and it's not just a wedding when it's your sister's, is it?

Of course she is - but how bad will she feel knowing that you were too scared of upsetting her to tell her what's going on in your life which - the last time - I looked is just as important.

Racml34

I just wanted to give one reassurance for you really. I was with my husband for several years but left after approximately a year of marriage (and a baby!) for most of the relationship he was emotionally abusive and towards the end physically so. It took me a long time and several 'freedom project' sessions run by the women's refuge where I met other women who had been in a similar situation for me to recognise what I'd been through.

I'm now 6 years on and have found a wonderful man who I have been with for 4 years now. I finally feel equal and cherished in my relationship. We do argue as all couples do but we sort things out without being hurtful to each other. I can honestly say leaving was the best thing I've ever done but you have to be ready in yourself. It doesn't matter what others advise it's how you feel that counts. If you really feel you want to leave then make sure you have plenty of support in place. Maybe speak to the women's refuge who can advise of groups in your area. You can attend these before asking any decision.

Whatever you decide, good luck. You deserve happiness xx

ktb

Tayforth, I am going to be in the massive minority here but I really do understand your plan to keep it to yourself until after your sister's wedding and unless I desperately needed their support, I personally would do the same thing in your position if my brother's wedding was imminent. I do have a bit of a tendency to try and cope with things myself in general though, which is not always for the best I suppose!

The fact that 2 people in your real life have echoed this too, could mean it is the right thing too in my opinion.

If you do decide to go with this plan, Are there friends you can confide in & get support that way instead? Your posts are sounding stronger & stronger - although I realise things may go down before they really get easier. If you aren't turning to family I hope there is someone else you can trust with this? I have only had 1 really major breakup - but i didn't want to share it with my Mum (although we are close!) and my best mate was a total rock.

Whatever you decide, i really hope the separation itself goes ok - is going to be rough road, but it will get better. And I hope you manage to enjoy the wedding without him there!!

consultant31

Funky_Bold_Ribena wrote: »

Of course she is - but how bad will she feel knowing that you were too scared of upsetting her to tell her what's going on in your life which - the last time - I looked is just as important.

But at least the memories of her wedding day will be perfect.

I'm with you OP, as long as you're not grieving in secret, leave it till after the wedding before telling the family otherwise it will put a damper on the occasion.

Your sister will feel guilty that she's happy and you're not, your Mum will be fretting about you all day........it's a no-brainer IMO (as long as you're not desperately sad and needing their support).