FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

Person_one

OK, I'm being brutally honest because you need to hear it.

Their enjoyment of the 'run up' will be completely ruined when they find out after the fact that you were suffering and putting on a brave face. They'll look back and think 'how could I have been giggling with a champagne glass at a dress fitting while my poor sister was heartbroken?' It will sour the memories and all you'll be giving them is guilt and sadness.

Tell them now, and yes, things will change a bit, but your sister will still enjoy her wedding, you and your mum will still enjoy her wedding. Throw yourself into it as a distraction and have a great time.

Please, tell them all this weekend. Get it all out.

CH27

tayforth wrote: »

But it's my sister's wedding, they both deserve to enjoy the run up to it. And when I do tell them, I'll stress that I'm fine with my decision, and kept it from them for the right reasons.

I'm not saying that I won't tell them this weekend - but, even if I don't, I won't let it stop me from ending it with OH.


My choices are:

1. Bring OH to the wedding and then end it afterwards - huge stress on everyone

2. End it now and tell them - won't bring me any relief as I'll be worried about it overshadowing the wedding, and my mum and sister will be worried and stressed and shocked

3. End it now and lie about it until after the wedding - I've been putting on a brave face for ages now, a few more weeks won't hurt; and I really will enjoy the wedding more if he's not there; and they'll be none the wiser on the day



OK, they might not believe me when I say that he's ill, and they might quiz me and suspect that something is up - but they won't KNOW for definite.

If you tell them that it is over & that you have everything under control they will have nothing to stress over.
The wedding will keep them occupied.

I don't think they will be too shocked as I think they will have suspected something isn't right.

tayforth

Person_one wrote: »

OK, I'm being brutally honest because you need to hear it.

Their enjoyment of the 'run up' will be completely ruined when they find out after the fact that you were suffering and putting on a brave face. They'll look back and think 'how could I have been giggling with a champagne glass at a dress fitting while my poor sister was heartbroken?' It will sour the memories and all you'll be giving them is guilt and sadness.

Tell them now, and yes, things will change a bit, but your sister will still enjoy her wedding, you and your mum will still enjoy her wedding. Throw yourself into it as a distraction and have a great time.

Please, tell them all this weekend. Get it all out.

Thank you, and you're right.

But I'm not heartbroken. I'll be telling them afterwards how much of a weight has been lifted off me and how the run up to the wedding took my mind off it all and made me happy.

I've mentioned several times that my mum takes BP meds (she's also over 70), this would really stress her out and I couldn't forgve myself for that. I know that she'll be upset to hear about it after the wedding, but I'm not sure that I can do it to her before.

After my wedding, she told me that the week leading up to the day itself was the most precious time of all to her - visitors calling, everyone happy, a real buzz about the house. She said that she hadn't felt that happy since my dad was alive. I want her to feel the same this time around.

tayforth

CH27 wrote: »

If you tell them that it is over & that you have everything under control they will have nothing to stress over.
The wedding will keep them occupied.

I don't think they will be too shocked as I think they will have suspected something isn't right.

They're both born worriers. I swear, they will worry even when they have no reason to. Plus, even though my sister will be nice about it, it's not fair that I got to have my wedding free of family dramas and she was so helpful and supportive and lovely to me.

Person_one

A lot of people over 70 are on BP meds, you can't keep this from her forever and she'll still be on those drugs after the wedding.

We aren't all advising you to tell her for our sakes, we're thinking of you and her and your sister!

Its up to you, its your family and your life but all I can say is that if I were your sister or your mum, I'd want you to tell me now. I know my family members are the same. After my last breakup my mum told me she'd essentially been on 'standby' waiting for me to tell her it was over. She knew it wasn't right and that I was unhappy. The day I ended it and told her was a good day, it was good news, it was relief not stress.

Whatever you decide though, I hope it works out well and you all enjoy the wedding.

tayforth

Person_one wrote: »

A lot of people over 70 are on BP meds, you can't keep this from her forever and she'll still be on those drugs after the wedding.

We aren't all advising you to tell her for our sakes, we're thinking of you and her and your sister!

Its up to you, its your family and your life but all I can say is that if I were your sister or your mum, I'd want you to tell me now. I know my family members are the same. After my last breakup my mum told me she'd essentially been on 'standby' waiting for me to tell her it was over. She knew it wasn't right and that I was unhappy. The day I ended it and told her was a good day, it was good news, it was relief not stress.

Whatever you decide though, I hope it works out well and you all enjoy the wedding.

I know. And thank you. I do know that you're only saying it for my sake, and I'll see how they are this weekend.

If either of them takes me aside and says, 'Look, you're clearly not happy, what's wrong?' then I'll tell them.

Either way, my next focus is ending it properly with OH and how to do that.

CH27

tayforth wrote: »

They're both born worriers. I swear, they will worry even when they have no reason to. Plus, even though my sister will be nice about it, it's not fair that I got to have my wedding free of family dramas and she was so helpful and supportive and lovely to me.

Stop it!
Life isn't always fair. You & your mum will be there to help & support your sister. There will be no drama as it will all be over.

paulineb_2

Id still tell them. I know you are worried about it overshadowing the run up to the wedding but you cant help the situation you are in. Putting on the brave face and telling them afterwards? Your mum and sis then might worry or wonder why you couldnt tell them at the time.

I know you are thinking of them and their feelings, but seriously it will not be the end of the world for them as they know it. My mum is also a born worrier and I have my moments, but if I was with someone and I wasnt happy and I took her aside and said Ive really had enough, shed support me.

You get to the point where you'll be worrying about every possible combination of circumstances that could happen, dont do that to yourself, you have enough on your plate.

And yes, your focus is ending things properly with your OH but I would think that if you come clean this weekend, you'll have a few weeks to recover and you can go and enjoy the wedding without their having to be any secrets or brave face moments.

tayforth

I know. You're both right. And I can't do right either way. It's just awful timing. I had intended to wait until after the wedding, but I just can't.

I spoke to another trusted friend today and she advised me not to tell them until afterwards, that they would understand why I kept it from them.

Keeping_Motivated

FWIW I agree with your reasons not to tell your mum before the wedding. Sometimes ignorance is bliss even if only for a few weeks. If you were traumatised or in a terrible state I would say tell them now as you need the support (and they would want to support you) but I think you are seeking support from other places for now and your mum and sister will be there for the long haul so a few weeks will not hurt them or you too much.

I am sure they will understand and appreciate your reasons for not telling them before the wedding.