FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

moneycurious

Hugs to you. When will these functions be over, and are you sure that you can go to them with your OH? Does he know that you're unhappy? Will you have to move?

tey will be done by a week sat, but i need things in place. i am one of those people that takes along time to decide , but once made up i need a plan. I can go with him, i have been married 16 months and can truley say only been happy about 3 in that time. if it stops people being upset i will do it. I wont be moving , i own the house so i am not letting him break me. he can hurt me but never break me .

sounds like your mind made up to x

tayforth

elljay20 wrote: »

resentment is the most destructive feeling on earth and i sounds like you have a lot. i'm not saying wrongly or rightly. my advice is to get out. i didn't and it nearly destroyed me. splitting with my oh was the best thing that ever happened to me, even if i didn't think it at the time. being on your own isn't easy, and it isn't a bed of roses. but i don't feel all churned up inside anymore.

How long did it take you to do it, how long were you miserable?

Person_one wrote: »

When is that going to happen OP?

Its great that you're feeling so resolute and have made up your mind, you do need to get it done though. I know its hard but think of it like ripping off a plaster. What are you waiting for?

If he's home tonight, I'm going to talk to him. But I'd rather he wasn't. I'd love just one more evening of peace and solitude before I have to tell everyone at home this weekend.

tayforth

moneycurious wrote: »

tey will be done by a week sat, but i need things in place. i am one of those people that takes along time to decide , but once made up i need a plan. I can go with him, i have been married 16 months and can truley say only been happy about 3 in that time. if it stops people being upset i will do it. I wont be moving , i own the house so i am not letting him break me. he can hurt me but never break me .

sounds like your mind made up to x

Good luck to you, and please keep me posted. By PM if you don't want to talk on here.

BTW, I have nothing in my sent messages folder. Why is that? Do I need to change my settings?

Person_one

tayforth wrote: »

How long did it take you to do it, how long were you miserable?




If he's home tonight, I'm going to talk to him. But I'd rather he wasn't. I'd love just one more evening of peace and solitude before I have to tell everyone at home this weekend.

If I were you, I'd tell your family what you're going to do before you do it. By his past behaviour, he could react very badly and it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to have a large male relative with you when you kick him out.

If he isn't at home tonight, then my advice would be to tell your parents, ask for their support, and then pack his stuff up. Be ready to change the locks the second he leaves.

sportbeth

Oh my, this thread reads like my former life story when I was married.

I decided 3 months into being married that I had made a mistake. Different circumstances but my ex had an affair before we married and I pretty much went along with the marriage as I couldnt face the embarassment of telling people why we were cancelling (and he talked me into the whole "It will never happen again" routine.)

Within 3 months I just realised that we werent the same anymore and it never would be. I think I stuck at it for 3 years then just told myself that I had to get out whilst I was young enough to do so. He'd given up on life in general pretty much by then too and me.

2 years down the line now and people comment on how different I am. Happier, more confident, I'm always out and about doing new things and meeting new people. I hit 36 this year, still no man on the scene but I'm having great fun going on dates and excited about my next relationship (whenever that happens).

It's challenging in the first few months, I wouldnt say hard. can honestly say that by the time the stress was gone of 6 months living in the same house with him knowing we were splitting, I felt like a huge weight was lifted off me when I moved into my new home and left loads behind. I even made the decision to de-junk pretty much all sentimentality of the old relationship. It helped hugely.

I've never looked back. You deserve to be happy so keep strong in the view that you just need to move on to give yourself a chance of having something that you might really want in a few years.

tayforth

Person_one wrote: »

If I were you, I'd tell your family what you're going to do before you do it. By his past behaviour, he could react very badly and it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to have a large male relative with you when you kick him out.

If he isn't at home tonight, then my advice would be to tell your parents, ask for their support, and then pack his stuff up. Be ready to change the locks the second he leaves.

I can't tell my family on the phone. I have to go and do it in person this weekend (they live quite a long way away). But I have a few male friends nearby who'd support me if I asked. And female ones, come to that. My friends are quite fierce when they want to be lol.

sportbeth wrote: »

Oh my, this thread reads like my former life story when I was married.

I decided 3 months into being married that I had made a mistake. Different circumstances but my ex had an affair before we married and I pretty much went along with the marriage as I couldnt face the embarassment of telling people why we were cancelling (and he talked me into the whole "It will never happen again" routine.)

Within 3 months I just realised that we werent the same anymore and it never would be. I think I stuck at it for 3 years then just told myself that I had to get out whilst I was young enough to do so. He'd given up on life in general pretty much by then too and me.

2 years down the line now and people comment on how different I am. Happier, more confident, I'm always out and about doing new things and meeting new people. I hit 36 this year, still no man on the scene but I'm having great fun going on dates and excited about my next relationship (whenever that happens).

It's challenging in the first few months, I wouldnt say hard. can honestly say that by the time the stress was gone of 6 months living in the same house with him knowing we were splitting, I felt like a huge weight was lifted off me when I moved into my new home and left loads behind. I even made the decision to de-junk pretty much all sentimentality of the old relationship. It helped hugely.

I've never looked back. You deserve to be happy so keep strong in the view that you just need to move on to give yourself a chance of having something that you might really want in a few years.

That was pretty much me (apart from the affair). I had major doubts, but it's very hard to cancel a wedding so close to the date, and he had also promised me that he'd change. And we'd been to one relationship counselling session; he said that we'd keep it up after the wedding (at my request). Did he stick to his word? No. Did he change? No.

So here we are.

I'm really delighted to read your story, and it's lovely that you're so happy. Thank you so much for posting it.

I get a real sense of freedom from everyone who's been in a similar situation and found the courage to leave.

newlifeahead

Hi Tayforth

I am going throughsomething quite similar to you. My OH gets very angry and blames me foreverything. He will say anything vile to me just so I will argue back. I nolonger respond to him when he gets like this but I am quite worried if I saythe wrong thing he will lose it completely and I may end up in hospital ordead. I know it sounds drastic but that is how he makes me feel.

We have been goingto couples counselling for help and after the last one we had I now know thatthere is no point delaying the break up. It has to end now.

He may not bephysically attacking me everyday but the mental abuse is killing my heart.

We do have two kidstogether but we don't even live together but he doesn't want me to move on sohe turns up everyday and just bombards me with questions and criticism.

I had alreadydecided a couple of days ago that I will tell him it really is over for goodand when we go to the next counselling session it will be about the split andnothing else. I am dreading the moment I tell him because he will spend hourson the phone trying to change my mind or he will turn up at my door stepshouting at me on the street.

I haven't been ableto tell my parents what I am going though and I have no one to talk to becauseof being so isolated. He often talks about not being able to live without me and he might as well kill himself if we split up for good. This always makes me feel guilty. If I stay with him much longer I may want to kill myself but I can't do that because 1) I do not like the sight of blood 2)I do not drink alcohol and I can't even swallow 1 little tablet never mind loads and 3) I do not like any sort of pain :eek: So that is just not an option for me;)

I know I will stillhave to see him or talk to him every week because we have kids and I will findthis very difficult. I am fed up of putting on a brave face every day and Iwould like to smile for real and not because I am trying to cover things up.

I will speak fromexperience here. Do not take him to your sisters wedding. I had taken my oh tofamily occasions and I didn't enjoy it because I was worried if he flipped onme and I had to be on my best behaviour. I didn't take him to the last family gettogether and I really enjoyed feeling free for a change and I didn't thinkabout he once.

If you already knowin your heart that you do not want to be with him get out now, please don'twaste another day. I am now 36 and wish I had done it a long time ago even 35.I can't change my past but I can change my future.

I am not lookingforward to speaking to him later but I will take my own advise and not let thisday end without putting things straight and taking control of my life insteadof him controlling me.

I hope I haven'tsaid anything out of turn but thanks for putting it out there it has made merealise that I am not the only one going through the same thing.

Thanks to everyoneelse who gave advise on here it has helped me too and confirmed that I have toget out.

Good luck to youTayforth, I wish you all the best for the future and I will subscribe to see how you get on


Hugs to you too moneycurious you can get through this


Ops sorry for the long post. This was just the short version. As you can tell I have been holding things in for a very long time. Sorry guys:o

sportbeth

tayforth wrote: »

I can't tell my family on the phone. I have to go and do it in person this weekend (they live quite a long way away). But I have a few male friends nearby who'd support me if I asked. And female ones, come to that. My friends are quite fierce when they want to be lol.




That was pretty much me (apart from the affair). I had major doubts, but it's very hard to cancel a wedding so close to the date, and he had also promised me that he'd change. And we'd been to one relationship counselling session; he said that we'd keep it up after the wedding (at my request). Did he stick to his word? No. Did he change? No.

So here we are.

I'm really delighted to read your story, and it's lovely that you're so happy. Thank you so much for posting it.

I get a real sense of freedom from everyone who's been in a similar situation and found the courage to leave.

I think that's the key here. My ex gave me chapter and verse on how he would change, the affair (s) were only part of the problem, aside from that he was a bit of an emotional bully, he drank solidly 7 nights a week and he was a control freak when it came to me having friends, my own life outside the house etc.

People with issues only say they will change when they are up against a wall, given the chance they will always behave badly. You don't to be trying to keep someone on their best behaviour for the rest of your days, people deserve better than that and if someone can't be respectful enough to want to show you their good side then they deserve no more of your time.

I also had the similar bedroom issues as you, that's a hardship in itself. It's amazing what it does for your self esteem when you realise that men are attracted to you once you get out. I've even got a 20 year old man trying to charm me at the moment. (Not going to go there but its the biggest buzz I've had in years!)

tayforth

newlifeahead wrote: »

Hi Tayforth

I am going throughsomething quite similar to you. My OH gets very angry and blames me foreverything. He will say anything vile to me just so I will argue back. I nolonger respond to him when he gets like this but I am quite worried if I saythe wrong thing he will lose it completely and I may end up in hospital ordead. I know it sounds drastic but that is how he makes me feel.

We have been goingto couples counselling for help and after the last one we had I now know thatthere is no point delaying the break up. It has to end now.

He may not bephysically attacking me everyday but the mental abuse is killing my heart.

We do have two kidstogether but we don't even live together but he doesn't want me to move on sohe turns up everyday and just bombards me with questions and criticism.

I had alreadydecided a couple of days ago that I will tell him it really is over for goodand when we go to the next counselling session it will be about the split andnothing else. I am dreading the moment I tell him because he will spend hourson the phone trying to change my mind or he will turn up at my door stepshouting at me on the street.

I haven't been ableto tell my parents what I am going though and I have no one to talk to becauseof being so isolated. He often talks about not being able to live without me and he might as well kill himself if we split up for good. This always makes me feel guilty. If I stay with him much longer I may want to kill myself but I can't do that because 1) I do not like the sight of blood 2)I do not drink alcohol and I can't even swallow 1 little tablet never mind loads and 3) I do not like any sort of pain :eek: So that is just not an option for me;)

I know I will stillhave to see him or talk to him every week because we have kids and I will findthis very difficult. I am fed up of putting on a brave face every day and Iwould like to smile for real and not because I am trying to cover things up.

I will speak fromexperience here. Do not take him to your sisters wedding. I had taken my oh tofamily occasions and I didn't enjoy it because I was worried if he flipped onme and I had to be on my best behaviour. I didn't take him to the last family gettogether and I really enjoyed feeling free for a change and I didn't thinkabout he once.

If you already knowin your heart that you do not want to be with him get out now, please don'twaste another day. I am now 36 and wish I had done it a long time ago even 35.I can't change my past but I can change my future.

I am not lookingforward to speaking to him later but I will take my own advise and not let thisday end without putting things straight and taking control of my life insteadof him controlling me.

I hope I haven'tsaid anything out of turn but thanks for putting it out there it has made merealise that I am not the only one going through the same thing.

Thanks to everyoneelse who gave advise on here it has helped me too and confirmed that I have toget out.

Good luck to youTayforth, I wish you all the best for the future and I will subscribe to see how you get on


Hugs to you too moneycurious you can get through this


Ops sorry for the long post. This was just the short version. As you can tell I have been holding things in for a very long time. Sorry guys:o

Hugs to you too. I think that we all need a big hug today.

I really hope that you're not thinking of taking your own life; if you are, please speak to someone. The Samaritans have helped me so much, they're wonderful.

It's good that you don't live together. Perhaps you should change the locks (and your number) before you break up with him.

Why haven't you told your parents? Just wondering if it's to spare them from worry, same as me. There's also an element of shame for me tbh - how could I have made such a bad choice?

tayforth

sportbeth wrote: »

I think that's the key here. My ex gave me chapter and verse on how he would change, the affair (s) were only part of the problem, aside from that he was a bit of an emotional bully, he drank solidly 7 nights a week and he was a control freak when it came to me having friends, my own life outside the house etc.

People with issues only say they will change when they are up against a wall, given the chance they will always behave badly. You don't to be trying to keep someone on their best behaviour for the rest of your days, people deserve better than that and if someone can't be respectful enough to want to show you their good side then they deserve no more of your time.

I also had the similar bedroom issues as you, that's a hardship in itself. It's amazing what it does for your self esteem when you realise that men are attracted to you once you get out. I've even got a 20 year old man trying to charm me at the moment. (Not going to go there but its the biggest buzz I've had in years!)

Ha ha, I'm sure it is a buzz! Enjoy it.

And yes, the lack of sex has been as hard for me as for him. I don't want a sexless, loveless marriage. I want to feel loved and desired. And I'm not going to waste any more time on him because he's killed off not just my love, respect and trust, but any shred of sexual attraction towards him.

You're so right about him not wanting to show me his good side. He almost made me think that it was to do with me, saying that he never behaved like that around anyone else. Now I realise that I was just his (verbal) punchbag, on which to take out his anger.