FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

jenhug

tell your mum now. it will get the drama out of the way.

make sure you have paper copies of all emails he has sent you listing your faults for his bad behaviour etc, and keep email copies somewhere too.

Good luck, you are so much better off without him.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

tayforth wrote: »

Oh, and I phoned a trusted (close) relative about an hour ago and told her about it, asking her advice about the wedding.

Straight away, she advised me to bring him and not upset my mum, to break it off afterwards.

When I said that I wasn't sure that I could wait that long to end it (and it wouldn't be fair on him to give him false hope), she said that if I do end it, I should pretend that he's ill for the wedding and only tell my mum afterwards. But not the next day. A few days later.

Then she suggested that I talk to my sister on the quiet and ask what she thinks! But she'll definitely tell my mum if I do.

Can you remember what you actually said to her? Sometimes we lead people to the answer without realising it, even if its the answer we don't want, but are expecting.

Orlando_Virgin

tayforth wrote: »

Oh, and I phoned a trusted (close) relative about an hour ago and told her about it, asking her advice about the wedding.

Straight away, she advised me to bring him and not upset my mum, to break it off afterwards.

When I said that I wasn't sure that I could wait that long to end it (and it wouldn't be fair on him to give him false hope), she said that if I do end it, I should pretend that he's ill for the wedding and only tell my mum afterwards. But not the next day. A few days later.

Then she suggested that I talk to my sister on the quiet and ask what she thinks! But she'll definitely tell my mum if I do.

Don't agree with anything she said to be perfectly honest. The only bit I agreed with was the tell your sister on the quiet. I would seriously sit them both down, explain your situation and that you don't want to upstage in anyway and hope they understand. I'm certain they will.

mortgagenomore_2

No i agree with others ignore her and nothing to do with her anyway (no offense to the lady) anyway i completely agree call your mum now i realise you want to do face to face but maybe just make her aware of the situation and how you will for the sake of others take him but you would rather not for your own sanity, also have you considered now he is doing his dramatic bit clearing out the way thinking you will miss him and realise the relationship should have another go that he may kick off at the wedding and that would be a whole lot worse then you would get the blame for that, no i would also speak to your sister if they are genuinely concerned for you they will want you happy to enjoy the day and that would be without him.

Also if others asked you could say he is ill then later after wedding explain the prat was not welcome but you didnt want to make a fuss.

Person_one

Keep posting if you can to let us know you're ok OP.

tayforth

Thanks for all the lovely messages this morning. I'm going to reply to each one xxx

Person_one wrote: »

Ignore that relative. I'm sure she means well but I'm guessing you haven't been as open with her as you have on here.

Please please please talk to your mum. If you phone her now, I bet she'll be at your flat by morning.

A friend of mine once rang her mum from a foreign country in tears about her horrid boyfriend. Her mum flew out the next day to go and bring her home. Mum's want their children happy, not pretending and being miserable for their sake, or the sake of appearances and weddings.

I was completely honest with her. I didn't tell her the exact names he called me, but I told her that he'd behaved and spoken horribly towards me - badly enough that I wanted to end it. I was in tears at one point. She knows that I'm not a drama queen so she believes me.

And she's my mum's sister, so she is as concerned for her as I am (and for my sister too).

Also, I wouldn't phone my mum late at night. She lives a long way away and she's older than most mums, and on blood pressure medication. And she's a born worrier.

I'll try to tell her, or my sister, or both this weekend. I promise.

jenhug wrote: »

tell your mum now. it will get the drama out of the way.

make sure you have paper copies of all emails he has sent you listing your faults for his bad behaviour etc, and keep email copies somewhere too.

Good luck, you are so much better off without him.

Why do I need to keep copies? I mean, I do have them all (never tidy up my hotmail and it keeps everything lol), but why would I need them?

Peanut2013 wrote: »

Completely ignore the relative, your mum will feel better if you confide in her. I think mine were more hurt that I felt I couldn't tell her about our break up.

I know, she may feel hurt, but I genuinely don't know what to do for the best. I just don't want her to be upset.

tayforth

Funky_Bold_Ribena wrote: »

Can you remember what you actually said to her? Sometimes we lead people to the answer without realising it, even if its the answer we don't want, but are expecting.

I asked for her advice, told her what had been happening with OH and said that I wanted to end it now, but asked how my mum and sister would feel about him not being at the wedding.

When she first said that I should bring him and not upset my mum, that's when I elaborated on how awful he'd been and how miserable I was.

Orlando_Virgin wrote: »

Don't agree with anything she said to be perfectly honest. The only bit I agreed with was the tell your sister on the quiet. I would seriously sit them both down, explain your situation and that you don't want to upstage in anyway and hope they understand. I'm certain they will.

I'll try.

mortgagenomore wrote: »

No i agree with others ignore her and nothing to do with her anyway (no offense to the lady) anyway i completely agree call your mum now i realise you want to do face to face but maybe just make her aware of the situation and how you will for the sake of others take him but you would rather not for your own sanity, also have you considered now he is doing his dramatic bit clearing out the way thinking you will miss him and realise the relationship should have another go that he may kick off at the wedding and that would be a whole lot worse then you would get the blame for that, no i would also speak to your sister if they are genuinely concerned for you they will want you happy to enjoy the day and that would be without him.

Also if others asked you could say he is ill then later after wedding explain the prat was not welcome but you didnt want to make a fuss.

I'm going to see her this evening, I can hold out until then.

And you make a good point. I don't think that he would kick off at the wedding, but who knows?

Oh, and your last suggestion wouldn't work. I wouldn't ask my mum and sister to lie to others for me. They couldn't. If I tell them, I have to be honest with everyone.

It's a lot to think about.

ERICS_MUM

Personally I would get your mum and sister together and explain it to them face-to-face. You say your mum lives a long way from you but it would be worthwhile to make the journey if poss.

They are bound to be upset for you but if they're decent people they will accept what you say and support you through a separation/divorce. Ask them what they would prefer you to do for the wedding. If they would prefer you to take him to the wedding, are you sure that he would behave himself or could he spoil the day, especially if he is prone to outbursts after a few drinks or if he doesn't really get on with your family. Both "sides would have to agree to be civil at least.

If I were your Mum or sister and found out only "down the line" I would be upset that you hadn't felt able to confide.

I feel for you as it's such a horrible situation and any decision will be difficult, messy and hurtful. Keep talking to us.

Linda xx

P.S. Apols, just noticed I've repeated things already posted. That will teach me to read the thread properly before putting pen to paper !.

Person_one

I'm really pleased to hear you're going to tell your mum tonight. I think it'll be a huge weight off your mind. There'll probably be tears and hugs but you'll feel so much better once you've done it.

The next step though, is to tell him, and actually get it done. How are you feeling about that? Are you going to get that done this weekend too?

tayforth

ERICS_MUM wrote: »

Personally I would get your mum and sister together and explain it to them face-to-face. You say your mum lives a long way from you but it would be worthwhile to make the journey if poss.

They are bound to be upset for you but if they're decent people they will accept what you say and support you through a separation/divorce. Ask them what they would prefer you to do for the wedding. If they would prefer you to take him to the wedding, are you sure that he would behave himself or could he spoil the day, especially if he is prone to outbursts after a few drinks or if he doesn't really get on with your family. Both "sides would have to agree to be civil at least.

If I were your Mum or sister and found out only "down the line" I would be upset that you hadn't felt able to confide.

I feel for you as it's such a horrible situation and any decision will be difficult, messy and hurtful. Keep talking to us.

Linda xx

P.S. Apols, just noticed I've repeated things already posted. That will teach me to read the thread properly before putting pen to paper !.

Thank you Linda. That's very kind of you. And I will keep posting here. I really need the moral support xx

Person_one wrote: »

I'm really pleased to hear you're going to tell your mum tonight. I think it'll be a huge weight off your mind. There'll probably be tears and hugs but you'll feel so much better once you've done it.

The next step though, is to tell him, and actually get it done. How are you feeling about that? Are you going to get that done this weekend too?

I won't be back until Sunday night, so I won't be speaking to him all weekend.

Re him moving his stuff out, should I arrange to be out or present while he's doing it? I imagine that it'll be upsetting either way.