FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

tayforth

securityguy wrote: »

While living in the same house, you communicated by email?

He used to send me emails to apologise when he'd been *really* awful to me - he said that he could express himself better in an email, and that he wouldn't be interrupted.

marisco_2

tayforth wrote: »

He's sent me an apologetic email in which he claims that he's just decided to stop shouting and being horrid - just like that. Apparently he knows how to just stop it, like turning off a tap.

Which sadly suggets that he has chosen to conduct himself like this whilst being capable of not doing so. It takes for someone to be very cold, to have that kind of self awareness, while treating their partner with utter contempt!

tayforth

Noctu wrote: »

I wouldn't worry too much about the photos (I can see where you're coming from though) - make sure you get lots of pics of you and your sibling together, and maybe your parents and the kids (you, your sibling, any other siblings). Those are the ones that will be cherished.

You could use this 4 weeks to quietly put plans into place - finances, sorting out where you're going to live, divorce papers, solicitor - which you could execute after the wedding.

I might do this. Assuming that I can stick it out until the wedding, that is.

Alchemilla wrote: »

If no children are involved just end it with as much tact and dignity as you can.

Next time you get married get some pre marriage counselling.

You will be surprised how being 35 is not the end of your romantic or reproductive life.

Telling how you call him OH.

all the best.x

I call him OH because I don't want to mention his name on here, that's all.

tayforth

marisco wrote: »

Which sadly suggets that he has chosen to conduct himself like this whilst being capable of not doing so. It takes for someone to be very cold, to have that kind of self awareness, while treating their partner with utter contempt!

Exactly. I thought the very same thing. I still don't believe that he can change. But even if he could, that would mean that he's been behaving like this by choice, while being capable of not doing so. It's beyond shocking.

tayforth

Oh, and he's blamed drink a few times as well. He says that, on those occasions, he doesn't remember what he's said.

No idea where to even start with that...

paulineb_2

Ive not been quite where you have been, but I was in a long term relationship with someone who was at best indifferent to me and at worst abusive. Not physically, but mentally.

All I can say is, once you have done with the going over and over whats been said and done to you, once you make up your mind to get out, I dont think you'll suffer as much as you think you might.

The bottom line is, you cant change people. You cant change what they have said to you, you cant change any of the mean things they have done, you could sit and rationalise it over and over and think how did it get to this?

Its not bloody easy, any of it. But when I left, yes I had some sadness that I had spent so much time with someone who was consistently awful to me and yes theres part of you that thinks, what was this all about, Ive spent 7 years with this person and Im chucking it away, have I just wasted all this time?

But, if I hadnt left, Id have been sitting in a relationship with someone who was just marking time until he met someone else (my ex cheated on me twice when we were together although I didnt find that out until a long time later).

I eventually realised that I thought more of myself than being with someone who was basically doing everything to say, I dont want to be with you and Id be with anyone else rather than you, but he didnt want to be single and wouldnt end it.

I ended it. And as I said in previous posts, all I felt was relief. And I could sit and think over and over why he treated me so badly or what was wrong that he was so cold and so indifferent. But those are his issues, his way of viewing the world.

And yes since I walked Ive had some really lonely times, where it seems like everyone else but me is with someone. But Ive also had times of doing what I wanted, wearing what I wanted, getting my hair done the way I want it, knowing Im not going to be picked to pieces and insulted all the time.

And I really believe, you cant put a price on having your own piece of mind. Its worth everything.

You cant change him, only he can change. And dare I say it it can be easy to get into a victim mode of poor me this is my lot and I have to accept that, you dont.

You arent married, you dont have kids, apart from your home you dont have ties, there is nothing stopping you ending this relationship if thats what you really want to do.

And nostalgia and rose tinted specs can tug at your heartstrings as well. But believe, he'll be ok, you'll be ok, you will both be ok.

It sounds like you would both be happier apart.

Alchemilla

tayforth wrote: »

I call him OH because I don't want to mention his name on here, that's all.

I meant as opposed to DH.

paulineb_2

I had no idea what DH meant, until a couple of years ago, I think its an american phrase (dear husband), Id know OH, better, other half.

Tbh its no big deal what people call their respective partner, I wouldnt call someone OH at all, but its not terminology Id use.

I dont think calling someone your other half and not your dear husband is a big deal either way, but thats just my view.

Yorkie1

OP, what is the situation re. the place you live in? Is it jointly owned / rented? Or in your name / his?

I lost track along the thread and with the separate posts about missymoo, which distracted me.

tayforth

Alchemilla wrote: »

I meant as opposed to DH.

I've never used DH, we're not long married, I've always called him OH and never changed it. No hidden meaning. Is DH more affectionate?

Yorkie1 wrote: »

OP, what is the situation re. the place you live in? Is it jointly owned / rented? Or in your name / his?

I lost track along the thread and with the separate posts about missymoo, which distracted me.

It's jointly rented. We have no joint finances.