FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

tayforth

Person_one wrote: »

If you're worried about the wedding then do it right now, today.

There's still a month to go before the wedding, if you make your split very public straightaway most people will have calmed down about it by then. Also, most people know how to behave and won't turn the wedding into an interrogation of the groom's sister!

People always talk about other things that are going on at weddings, while it is a magical special day for the happy couple, the guests would get really bored if that was all they could talk about.

Do you want your sister to look back at her wedding day and think that you were really unhappy and putting up a front for her sake? Would you want her to do that for you?

Brighton_belle wrote: »

Totally agree with Person_one. Do it asap and the most of the shock will be gone by the wedding.
Also - you may not want him in the photos...you could look at it from the POV of how will your sister feel to have them in her wedding photos and then find out about some of his behaviour to you? (I'm not someone who cares much about the excessive hoohar around wedding photos myself, but I appreciate some do)
Personally I would find a friend/family member splitting up the day after by wedding more awful because I would feel they had been suffering 'for me' unnecessarily and adding a false note to our wedding day.

If you are afraid to spoil the run up to the wedding, maintain the act you are doing now, as one of, 'I'm ok' despite our split.

MrsDrink wrote: »

I agree - tell the world now (for the reasons already outlined above).

You're all right, of course. And no, she wouldn't want me to put on a front. I wouldn't want it if the situation were reversed.

I'll go and visit this weekend and try to tell them as much of the truth as I can. I might leave out the more hurtful aspects until afterwards. They'll know that I wouldn't end it lightly, so I hope that they don't question me too much.

tayforth

Orlando_Virgin wrote: »

Don't worry about him, and I know it's easier said than done. When you split, put yourself first. You haven't done it in so long. Everybody hates worrying their parents but think about what you would you do for your child if they needed it. I'm 100% sure you would do ANYTHING. And so would she.

When I say get through the wedding, no matter whether you take him or not, (I completely think you should do it before then) you are obviously going to find it difficult. That can't be avoided. At least if your Mum knew, when it got a bit hard you could nip outside for a minute with your Mum, or maybe at least seeing her there and knowing she knows and getting a re-assuring smile will help you enjoy that one day.

Person_one wrote: »

Mum's always know.

When you tell her, it will be a huge relief for her.

Orlando_Virgin wrote: »

I swear to God that Mum's have a special radar in their brains.

I know. I know that she'd do anything for me, but she's SUCH a sensitive soul, and a worrier, and she's older than most mums. I don't want to stress her out.

Person_one

tayforth wrote: »

I know. I know that she'd do anything for me, but she's SUCH a sensitive soul, and a worrier, and she's older than most mums. I don't want to stress her out.

tayforth, she knows. She's already stressed out because her daughter is in an unhappy marriage.

By ending it and telling her how much happier you'll be away from this man, you will relieve her stress, not cause it.

Brighton_belle

tayforth wrote: »

They'll know that I wouldn't end it lightly, so I hope that they don't question me too much.

If they start questioning you 'too much' tell how much you don't want to over shadow the wedding by giving them all the details now. Reassure them you are ok (if that helps you feel less concerned about your impact on the wedding)

Ditto at the wedding - if anyone starts wanting to talk to you about it or question too much, tell them you want this to be your sisters happy day and not about you, so suggested you think it far better not to talk about it today, then smile and change the subject.

tayforth

Person_one wrote: »

tayforth, she knows. She's already stressed out because her daughter is in an unhappy marriage.

By ending it and telling her how much happier you'll be away from this man, you will relieve her stress, not cause it.

I'm not sure that she knows why I'm not myself atm, but she knows that something is up. And you make a good point.

Brighton_belle wrote: »

If they start questioning you 'too much' tell how much you don't want to over shadow the wedding by giving them all the details now. Reassure them you are ok (if that helps you feel less concerned about your impact on the wedding)

Ditto at the wedding - if anyone starts wanting to talk to you about it or question too much, tell them you want this to be your sisters happy day and not about you, so suggested you think it far better not to talk about it today, then smile and change the subject.

I will. TBH, they'll all probably talk behind my back rather than to me directly - not in a nasty way, just because we all know each other so well and they'll be concerned. OK, and probably wondering what happened, but I won't be telling anyone apart from family. I'm not one for airing dirty linen in public, and slagging off exes to all and sundry is not my thing.

ruby321 wrote: »

Hi, I've only read the first few pages but your post has struck a chord with me even though I'm only 20, but this is going somewhere I promise.

My dad sounds exactly the same as your OH. My dad has bipolar disorder... this is something I haven't told or discussed with anyone EVER. Its just between me, my brother and my mum.

When my mum first married him (she was 35 or thereabouts, the same age as you are) she moved to a completely new country as his job was here and she discovered his awful temper. I remember being 5 years old and late for primary school because my mum misplaced something of his by accident and he went off on one so has thrown every single thing in the room. He would then leave my mother crying her eyes out and me and my brother would have to go and comfort her. It was terrifying at that age, but then again, being 5 I didn't know if this was "normal" or not.

The names he would call my mum were inexcusible, and many times she was so close to leaving but only deciding to stay because she had us to think about. I am 100% sure that if she didn't have children she wouldn't have put up with it!

I would always dread going out in public with him as I would do something without meaning it and he would take a massive offense and shout at me in front of everyone, even in front my friends. I would be extremely embarrassed and had a complex about it for most of my life.

Despite all this it was obvious he couldn't control it and afterwards he would seem like he regretted it but he always had an aversion to saying sorry, we always had to suck it up and make it up to him. Never the other way round. Alas, we said it was ok, everyone has their good points and bad points and this just happens to be his bad point.

He has since acknowledged he has a problem and is on lithium (mood stabilizer) and probably got anger management. His outbursts are A LOT more rare than they used to be, and we all know what tends to annoy him so we avoid it, or else bite the bullet in the situation even when we know he is in the wrong. Its all about managing his condition now. My mum and him get along so well now (in between the outbursts of course). Seeing as your OH always regrets it after shouting at you, maybe he has the same problem?

But alas I will always love my dad, he is the most caring and honest person out of anyone I know. He will always be the best dad ever in my eyes and I have grown out of that "embarrasment" phase and just love him for who he is now. Hope this has helped somewhat, it all depends on whether you are even willing to work through it, and you are perfectly within your right to just leave and save yourself a lot of trouble as you are obviously unhappy. At least you don't have children tying you down, so I guess you are more free to do as wish than my mum in that respect!

Thank you so much for sharing this. I really appreciate it. And it's made me look into the future again and see how my life could be if I stay. I am very grateful.



If anyone has left an unhappy relationship and lived to tell the tale (or even regretted it), I'd be interested to hear. As I don't know what the future will bring.

marisco_2

I will send you a pm

victory

tayforth wrote: »

If anyone has left an unhappy relationship and lived to tell the tale (or even regretted it), I'd be interested to hear. As I don't know what the future will bring.

No one knows what the future will bring, but what you have gone through will make you stronger, more able to take care of yourself, independent, assertive, wise, smarter, it will make you aware you never want it to happen again and that you do have the ability to sail your own ship, believe in yourself, the world is your oyster:D

tayforth

marisco wrote: »

I will send you a pm

Thank you xxx

victory wrote: »

No one knows what the future will bring, but what you have gone through will make you stronger, more able to take care of yourself, independent, assertive, wise, smarter, it will make you aware you never want it to happen again and that you do have the ability to sail your own ship, believe in yourself, the world is your oyster:D

Do you know, I've never lived alone before. I've lived at home, then in uni halls, then in shared houses, then with OH (for the last 5 years). I'm a little scared, but it could be exciting too.

And thank you, that was a really nice pep talk. I'm going to read it often, might even print it and stick it on my fridge (along with a few other posts on here).

mortgagenomore_2

Yes Tayforth extremely happy now, and the horrid ex is a distant memory, for years i got calls, text, threats (there were always threats throughout the relationship) anyway i never ever answered/replied calls text and not uttered one word to the cretin since the suitcase incident, they tried numerous ridiculous methods to get my response but i never gave in, their manipulation tactics no longer worked. Anyway i vowed to be single forever more and lo and behold met the love of my life when i least expected it, i look back and think it was a test for the real thing.

Anyway all the people asking why marry him when he was horrid before? why stay so long? god if these were explanable but we all do things thinking "oh he is insecure if i marry him", the OP has explained several times she doesnt know why she did but who cares the most important thing is breaking free from this man and starting a new life happy and all that keep asking there is 2 sides to every story?

And lastly yes mother always knows my ex also threatened me with calling my mother and father (elderly) to tell them things i had confided i had stupidly done in my youth but i just finally had had enough of the control sat them down and said "god knows what they will say but they are going to call you", my mum replied "oh well ill be putting the phone straight down" and my dad said he always knew they were unhinged and never liked them another weight off the shoulder no more control!

tayforth

sykerjoe wrote: »

havent read through all of the thread but theres always two sides to every story -you said at the start he was nasty to you four years ago calling you names and stuff which poses the question why did you marry him ? is he being nasty because you dont have sex with him ?is he struggling with money problems etc ?? -not making excuses for him but my first wife was a nightmare and made me miserable for years -i have now been happily married for ten yrs to my second wife so it can change for the better -i.m not having a go and hope you sort it out -good luck .

Thanks for the good wishes.

I'd be interested to know what you think if you do read the rest of the thread.

joolsybools wrote: »

I think you should end it now. The situation you are in financially, house wise, work wise, children-wise makes it the 'easiest' possible way to go. Do you have enough money to put down a deposit on a new flat?

Tbh, I think you are using the forthcoming wedding as an excuse to procrastinate.

Good luck anyway, I know how hard it is to leave someone... xx

I am not using the wedding to procrastinate - at least, I hope not. I actually wish that it weren't happening so soon. Even better, that it were already over.

And yes, I'm fine financially.

And thank you xx