FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

FBaby

What he sounds like is an angry man who expresses it inappropriately rather than someone who expresses it quietly. It is not good but doesn't mean one is abusive and the other isn't. My ex used dreadful words when he was angry but I used to shout in a way that wasn't much better. Anger is always destructive however it is expressed.

marisco_2

Person_one wrote: »

This is a man who calls her a C*** and a selfish b****, who tells he that the abuse she receives from him is her own fault.

I don't think you need to try so hard to see it from his side. Frankly, who cares about his side?

Precisely. If he loved the OP and valued what they share together he would not communicate with her in the way he does or treat her with such contempt. That is not the kind of relationship I would be prepared to stay in. Nor should anyone else.

Joons

FBaby wrote: »

What he sounds like is an angry man who expresses it inappropriately rather than someone who expresses it quietly. It is not good but doesn't mean one is abusive and the other isn't. My ex used dreadful words when he was angry but I used to shout in a way that wasn't much better. Anger is always destructive however it is expressed.

Totally agree with this, this guy is in the wrong but I don't think he needs hanging.

FBaby

marisco wrote: »

Precisely. If he loved the OP and valued what they share together he would not communicate with her in the way he does or treat her with such contempt. That is not the kind of relationship I would be prepared to stay in. Nor should anyone else.

And yet she chose to marry him after being spoken that way...

Person_one

FBaby wrote: »

And yet she chose to marry him after being spoken that way...

You really are underestimating the control that a partner in an abusive relationship can have over a person.

If it were so easy to walk away, nobody would ever be in them for more than a day.

Even in non abusive relationships, a planned and fast approaching wedding is a very difficult thing to call off.

Bangton

I'm done with the one side of the story and don't want to carry on quoting or responding to anyone individual. I asked the op what his opinion was on why his issues came from the relationship and not himself. Another poster responded and started it was because he couldn't admit any fault lies with him. My response about two sides to the story was to that poster. . I wanted to hear from the op not from some other poster summising something about someone she / he doesn't know. It's clear what the op wants to do and I respect that but when people ask for advice I don't think the only solution has to be to leave ... unless that's what the op wants. If it were me I would appreciate other takes on it whether I agreed or not. Most of us have posted and told her to go without even asking her why she feels her husband is so angry.... and how maybe it had broken down from both sides. No one has to agree and op I wish you luck with your decision either way

FBaby

Person_one wrote: »

You really are underestimating the control that a partner in an abusive relationship can have over a person.

If it were so easy to walk away, nobody would ever be in them for more than a day.

Even in non abusive relationships, a planned and fast approaching wedding is a very difficult thing to call off.

And in this instance the responsibility for the consequences of a destructive marriage lay with both partners. I'm not here to say that what its happening is all the fault of OP, but I do think her lack of assertiveness has contributed to how she feels now. It doesn't make it her fault but it doesn't make it not her fault either.

Bangton

Just to add to the above post by myself. Part of the reason I've asked about the husband is down to the op admitting she has had feelings for someone else basically since before she got with her husband. Could anyone on this thread feel able to put their all into a relationship if deep down they were hankering for someone else? I know I couldn't and these feelings have to be pretty strong to have been running since 2006. Perhaps without really realising it things have been distant from the ops side for a long time. ..leading to his frustration. He clearly doesn't know about the feelings for his friend but could he have been aware for a long time that things are 'off'. Perhaps, Perhaps not. . .

marisco_2

Bangton wrote: »

Could anyone on this thread feel able to put their all into a relationship if deep down they were hankering for someone else?

In all honesty no I couldn't. You are failing to have a full relationship with someone if you aren't committed to them 100%.

tayforth

Orlando_Virgin wrote: »

Every post I've read from you suggests that you have 100% decided that you are not in this relationship/marriage anymore. I completely understand the reasons why, although we only have one side of the story, we only need one when you are as incredibly unhappy as you are.

One thing I did notice that worried me a little was that you "didn't want to be a burden to your friends and family", whilst I admire your strength and understand, it is simply impossible to do this on your own. There is nothing better for you at this time than to be around those that are closest to you for support. If EVER any of my friends needed me in the way you do I would be there for them. Burden would be that last word I would be thinking. I would be proud to be there for them.

I noticed you confided in the Samaritans earlier, and on this board. Is there no one close to you that you can confide in?

Please do not try and do this all on your own.

I haven't 100% decided; there is the nagging fear of 'what if I regret ending it?' but I've finally realised that I'm so unhappy in this relationship that surely being on my own can only be better than this.

And yes, I do have great family and friends; but can't tell my family right now (not with the wedding coming up, my sister deserves a nice lead up to her happy day and I refuse to cloud the atmosphere for them). And I can't seem to find the words to tell my friends.

FBaby wrote: »

thanks for appreciating I an really not having a go at you as am not it is just vibes I am picking up that you are struggling with making decisions for your own self, maybe relying too much on others making the way for you and then getting angry inside that they have not lead the right path for you.

You haven't replied as to why you decided to go ahead with the wedding. Is it him who suggested it and you just went along with it? how long were you engaged for? Did you feel over the moon when he asked you to may him our did you go along with it thinking marriage would make things better?

It its very hard to share your life with someone who goes along by pretending they feel one way when deep inside they don't. It fuels insecurities which with time turn into anger. I am wondering if it is the reason why he says it is your relationship that causes his feeling of anger.

It seems that you are both confused and angry, just expressed differently. You have failed to communicate instead hoped the other one wild change to make things better. You need to be honest with him and ask him to leave since that is what you want. Why can't you do it instead of expecting him to read your mind and getting angry because he isn't?

You haven't replied as to why you decided to go ahead with the wedding. Is it him who suggested it and you just went along with it? He proposed, and I wasn't sure but I said yes so as not to hurt him by asking for time to think about it. Which I know was foolish of me.

how long were you engaged for? Did you feel over the moon when he asked you to may him our did you go along with it thinking marriage would make things better? We were engaged for about a year. And no, I didn't feel over the moon. And I didn't think that marriage would make things better, but I did think that perhaps we'd work things out.

It its very hard to share your life with someone who goes along by pretending they feel one way when deep inside they don't. It fuels insecurities which with time turn into anger. I am wondering if it is the reason why he says it is your relationship that causes his feeling of anger. I don't know. Maybe. But he started becoming angry a long time ago, and at that time my feelings were genuine.

You need to be honest with him and ask him to leave since that is what you want. Why can't you do it instead of expecting him to read your mind and getting angry because he isn't? I have asked him to leave, lots of times. I think that I'm going to have to leave, tbh. Maybe it's for the best.

beckysbobbles1 wrote: »

I'm actually pretty annoyed with some of the replies you've received.

I have been in a similar situation where I have stayed with someone and been miserable because I wasn't confident enough to relaise I deserve to be happy independantly. You also deserve to be happy.

I think you should speak to your husband and discuss how you are feeling. You will probably find he is feeling similarly.

Perhaps marriage counselling may help you discuss your issues and help resolve some.

However it is very difficult to 'fancy' someone again once those feelings are gone. It's not impossible but sometimes difficult.

Yes this is only one side of the story, if it was both people posting we'd be shouting at them to talk to each other.

Ultimately you need to do what is right for you and no one else. I'm not sure if you have children, obviously if you do then they are a huge factor to consider but you both deserve to be happy.

Thank you, that was a lovely post xxx

(and no, we have no children)