FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

Joons

When a relationship comes to an end there can be nastiness, let's be honest, we all know this, I am not condoning this guy's behaviour but words are said in anger and frustration, the OP has been with this guy 8 years, maybe it's wrong but he finds it's his only way to vent his frustrations etc. Not all relationships end with the couple being amicable and nice to each other, usually it does involve a slanging match to a degree. From what I have gathered he's called her the c word and a selfish !!!!! - I wouldn't necessarily call this abuse, perhaps name calling is part of their destructive relationship.

tayforth

FBaby wrote: »

And yet she chose to marry him after being spoken that way...

That's true, and I accept full responsibility for it.

Bangton wrote: »

Just to add to the above post by myself. Part of the reason I've asked about the husband is down to the op admitting she has had feelings for someone else basically since before she got with her husband. Could anyone on this thread feel able to put their all into a relationship if deep down they were hankering for someone else? I know I couldn't and these feelings have to be pretty strong to have been running since 2006. Perhaps without really realising it things have been distant from the ops side for a long time. ..leading to his frustration. He clearly doesn't know about the feelings for his friend but could he have been aware for a long time that things are 'off'. Perhaps, Perhaps not. . .

He doesn't know about the feelings that I have for his friend. And after posting here and talking last night, I have come to realise that the friend is a side issue and that, even if he did not exist, we would still be in this situation.

paulineb_2

Of course there are two sides to every story, but picking over the bones of who is right and who is wrong I dont think will help anyone. I dont think its appropriate for her husband to be so angry he's almost spitting in her face. Even if someone provoked me Id never do that to them and yes relationships can break down to the point where there are faults on both sides. And if you dont fancy someone any longer due to the way in which they relate to you, you arent going to want to get physically intimate with them.

The bottom line is, no matter who caused it, or what percentage of blame can be apportioned at each persons door, it looks as if theres no saving this marriage and it now looks as if the only way forward is to split as amicably as possible.

As for having feelings for someone else, its not uncommon for people to fancy other people, but when its mixed in with a heap of what ifs or if onlys, it looks as if you are looking for someone to come along and rescue you when the truth is, you really dont know the person very well and how things would have been if you had got together with someone else.

And if the relationship is so destructive that its descended into name calling and anger is part of daily life then its time to either get some anger management, counselling, work on the issues and decide whether you have a future together.

Or get out. The bottom line is neither of you are happy and regardless of who started it, who caused it all, who will and wont leave, he isnt happy and you arent happy.

You either make a last ditch effort to save this along with professional support because it sounds very much like you both need it, or seek legal advice about ending the marriage.

And it doesnt really matter what everyone on here thinks, its your life and only the pair of you can decide which course of action to take.

Rather than sit with steam coming out of your ears because he wont leave, I would make some efforts to see what your position is re housing if he wants to stay and you have to be the one to leave, otherwise you'll end up running around in circles and get no further forward.

MrsDrink

FWIW (again lol) I don't think you have to justify on here why you married him etc etc. Yes we can ask questions to help guide your thinking (one way or the other). The past is the past, as I said woulda/coulda/shoulda blah blah blah. It is the future that is the important thing - be that with or without him, as long as you are both happy.

Bangton

As you've mentioned earlier you aren't sure ending it is the way forward and I hope to god it doesn't look as if I'm trying to place blame at anyone's door but I think if you do have doubts about leaving or you do see something good somewhere inside him then it is important to assess your part in the relationship as well as his. If you want to go, I've said many times that is what you must do but to salvage anything (if that's what you did decide) it is important to take some time to view it from his side as well as your own...I think feelings for someone else are relevant whether he knows about it or not...he may know something is just 'off'. You need to address your part to have any chance of letting go of your anger towards him...if that is what you wish to do further down the line.

His actions aren't very nice, I won't deny it although for me...calling me a c*** when angry wouldn't really impact me (each to their own eh) but if he randomly turned round one day and said it then maybe I'd be seething...depends on the context really.

I just think someone has to be neutral about it all. If you came on the forum saying I'm leaving, this is why...help me pluck up the courage etc etc I'd support you 100%. But there just seems to be that element of doubt so I don't want to berate your partner...after all you may stay. I don't think you will but your mind clearly isn't fully made up just yet.

I hope I haven't insulted you with my previous posts ...

rartherinv

I read all 7 pages and found it interesting that most responses focussed on the emotional abuse which of course is worrying, but not a lot of people picked up on the absence of attraction OP chose to thoroughly elaborate upon... explaining no attraction with the man she married yet strong feelings for the one that got away and other men in the past!

I believe the emotional abuse you are receiving from this man is not the reason why you want to leave but the reason you have not left yet. The reason you want to leave is because you are not attracted to him and bored of him and you know there is happiness over the rainbow, but the reason you have not left is because he has had you round his little finger emotionally.

To demonstrate this idea, imagine your man was not abusive and was instead highly respectful towards you :j Would you now want to spend the rest of your life with this man who you are not attracted to and do not want to be intimate with when you are highly attracted to other men?

I think your answer is still going to be NO! and if he was mild mannered and understanding you would have been out the door very quickly. Intimacy is half of a relationship - if there is no intimacy then you are just good friends. If there is no intimacy and you are not friends then you are just two people who don't like each other sharing a house.

Your description of the camping night in 2006 shows you are a passionate and lustful woman who is stuck with a man you are not interested in and who does not fulfil your desires - emotional or intimate. No amount of counselling will make you fancy someone you are not attracted to. They could help him to address the abusive behaviour but then you would just be left with a really boring guy who you are not attracted to.:o

Throughout this thread it comes across very clear that you crossed the line and made up your mind when you asked the question that you have reached the end of your tether - and the advice you are looking for has gone from whether you should end the relationship to how you are going to get it to end!

The fact is that he IS emotionally abusive towards you and his behaviour is stopping you from bringing the relationship to the sword. So far in this thread you have come to a realisation that the relationship is no longer worth fighting for, and then recently you have attempted to end it by being passive-aggressive and shutting off emotionally.

From his point of view, it is probably like all the other times when you had an argument, he probably thinks "leave me alone" is womanese to test whether he is committed or not... if he comes back then sooner or later with enough time and being nice to you it will blow over and things will be fine and back to normal.

If you truly want to end the relationship, you need to make it crystal clear in no uncertain terms, with no option of turning the car around and walking back in the front door, that this is not going to blow over, you have been drifting apart for years and now you are not a married couple but two people who have no spark anymore. If he turns on the emotional blackmail saying he still loves you, you need to be brutal and say you don't love him and you don't want to be his wife anymore. You want him out and if he can't accept that and leave, then you will leave yourself.

I appreciate this is so much easier said than done and it is going to take a lot of thinking about and courage to do, but I believe you have shown what a strong person you are in confronting this problem with us and the Samaritans, and I believe you have the strength within you to overcome your emotional abuse and be happy. You're only 35 and with no kids it sounds like you may have a very lucky escape from this relationship when you succeed in ending it.

MrsDrink

rartherinv wrote: »

Snip

Agreed.



Lengthening my message.

tayforth

Joons wrote: »

When a relationship comes to an end there can be nastiness, let's be honest, we all know this, I am not condoning this guy's behaviour but words are said in anger and frustration, the OP has been with this guy 8 years, maybe it's wrong but he finds it's his only way to vent his frustrations etc. Not all relationships end with the couple being amicable and nice to each other, usually it does involve a slanging match to a degree. From what I have gathered he's called her the c word and a selfish !!!!! - I wouldn't necessarily call this abuse, perhaps name calling is part of their destructive relationship.

It's not part of my character and it's not what I want from my relationship. I just used to believe that he would change. Now I finally realise that he won't.

paulineb wrote: »

Of course there are two sides to every story, but picking over the bones of who is right and who is wrong I dont think will help anyone. I dont think its appropriate for her husband to be so angry he's almost spitting in her face. Even if someone provoked me Id never do that to them and yes relationships can break down to the point where there are faults on both sides. And if you dont fancy someone any longer due to the way in which they relate to you, you arent going to want to get physically intimate with them.

The bottom line is, no matter who caused it, or what percentage of blame can be apportioned at each persons door, it looks as if theres no saving this marriage and it now looks as if the only way forward is to split as amicably as possible.

As for having feelings for someone else, its not uncommon for people to fancy other people, but when its mixed in with a heap of what ifs or if onlys, it looks as if you are looking for someone to come along and rescue you when the truth is, you really dont know the person very well and how things would have been if you had got together with someone else.

And if the relationship is so destructive that its descended into name calling and anger is part of daily life then its time to either get some anger management, counselling, work on the issues and decide whether you have a future together.

Or get out. The bottom line is neither of you are happy and regardless of who started it, who caused it all, who will and wont leave, he isnt happy and you arent happy.

You either make a last ditch effort to save this along with professional support because it sounds very much like you both need it, or seek legal advice about ending the marriage.

And it doesnt really matter what everyone on here thinks, its your life and only the pair of you can decide which course of action to take.

Rather than sit with steam coming out of your ears because he wont leave, I would make some efforts to see what your position is re housing if he wants to stay and you have to be the one to leave, otherwise you'll end up running around in circles and get no further forward.

Thank you.

I don't want to apportion blame in every area of our lives. I've just had enough. Neither of us are happy, and it doesn't matter that he wants to save it, or that he's sorry. I have just had enough. It should have happened sooner, but I'll have to live with that. I want him to be happy too, and I genuinely hope that he's happy in the future.

I'm still undecided about the marriage counselling, but if I do go it'll only be so that I can say I tried one last thing. If anything, I expect that it will confirm my decision to leave. I don't want to be convinced to give it another go and still be in this situation in 5 years' time.

Orlando_Virgin

tayforth wrote: »

It's not part of my character and it's not what I want from my relationship. I just used to believe that he would change. Now I finally realise that he won't.





Thank you.

I don't want to apportion blame in every area of our lives. I've just had enough. Neither of us are happy, and it doesn't matter that he wants to save it, or that he's sorry. I have just had enough. It should have happened sooner, but I'll have to live with that. I want him to be happy too, and I genuinely hope that he's happy in the future.

I'm still undecided about the marriage counselling, but if I do go it'll only be so that I can say I tried one last thing. If anything, I expect that it will confirm my decision to leave. I don't want to be convinced to give it another go and still be in this situation in 5 years' time.

This is why I said the 100% thing. I've changed my mind, I don't think you even need to bother with all the counselling. If I was your OH and you said all the things you to me that you've said on this board, I would let you go.

tayforth

I've taken some time to read and re-read your post, and will answer it in green type below, hope it's not too messy to read.

rartherinv wrote: »

I read all 7 pages and found it interesting that most responses focussed on the emotional abuse which of course is worrying, but not a lot of people picked up on the absence of attraction OP chose to thoroughly elaborate upon... explaining no attraction with the man she married yet strong feelings for the one that got away and other men in the past!

I believe the emotional abuse you are receiving from this man is not the reason why you want to leave but the reason you have not left yet. The reason you want to leave is because you are not attracted to him and bored of him and you know there is happiness over the rainbow, but the reason you have not left is because he has had you round his little finger emotionally.

To demonstrate this idea, imagine your man was not abusive and was instead highly respectful towards you :j Would you now want to spend the rest of your life with this man who you are not attracted to and do not want to be intimate with when you are highly attracted to other men?

I think your answer is still going to be NO! and if he was mild mannered and understanding you would have been out the door very quickly.

All I've ever wanted was for him to be nice, and kind. If he had been from the start then yes, I do believe that I would be happy with him. And I was attracted to him to begin with. The nastiness has slowly killed off any sexual feelings I had towards him.

But perhaps you're right about why I haven't left yet. Every time I asked for space - just for a few days - he told me that if he walked out the door that was it over. Or he just refused to leave, even for a night. And when I wasn't sure that I wanted to end it, I gave in.

Intimacy is half of a relationship - if there is no intimacy then you are just good friends. If there is no intimacy and you are not friends then you are just two people who don't like each other sharing a house.

That's what we are right now.

Your description of the camping night in 2006 shows you are a passionate and lustful woman who is stuck with a man you are not interested in and who does not fulfil your desires - emotional or intimate. No amount of counselling will make you fancy someone you are not attracted to. They could help him to address the abusive behaviour but then you would just be left with a really boring guy who you are not attracted to.:o

You're right. And, deep down, that's why I'm refusing to go to counselling with him. It may address his anger but I don't have any feelings for him any more, so what would be the point? I can't make myself fancy or love him again, as you say.

Throughout this thread it comes across very clear that you crossed the line and made up your mind when you asked the question that you have reached the end of your tether - and the advice you are looking for has gone from whether you should end the relationship to how you are going to get it to end!

Yes. Much as it shocks me to think that I have got to this point, that's where I am.

The fact is that he IS emotionally abusive towards you and his behaviour is stopping you from bringing the relationship to the sword. So far in this thread you have come to a realisation that the relationship is no longer worth fighting for, and then recently you have attempted to end it by being passive-aggressive and shutting off emotionally.

From his point of view, it is probably like all the other times when you had an argument, he probably thinks "leave me alone" is womanese to test whether he is committed or not... if he comes back then sooner or later with enough time and being nice to you it will blow over and things will be fine and back to normal.

On the contrary, I've always been the one who wants to talk things through as much as necessary. I would never refuse to talk. I never gave him the silent treatment, and I'd beg him not to go to sleep on an argument.

He was the one who shut me out - for days sometimes. In fact, me trying to approach him to resolve the argument usually set him off shouting at me again.

So this coldness on my part is very new. I almost don't recognise myself. And he's clearly freaked out by it. But I'm past caring.

If you truly want to end the relationship, you need to make it crystal clear in no uncertain terms, with no option of turning the car around and walking back in the front door, that this is not going to blow over, you have been drifting apart for years and now you are not a married couple but two people who have no spark anymore. If he turns on the emotional blackmail saying he still loves you, you need to be brutal and say you don't love him and you don't want to be his wife anymore. You want him out and if he can't accept that and leave, then you will leave yourself.

I know that. I've been trying so hard to tell him recently, but he won't accept it. But I have to do it.

I appreciate this is so much easier said than done and it is going to take a lot of thinking about and courage to do, but I believe you have shown what a strong person you are in confronting this problem with us and the Samaritans, and I believe you have the strength within you to overcome your emotional abuse and be happy. You're only 35 and with no kids it sounds like you may have a very lucky escape from this relationship when you succeed in ending it.

Yes, it is easier said than done. It's very, very final. And I don't feel 'only 35' right now, I feel about 100. I want to lift this horrible weight off my shoulders and be happy with my decision, but I need to tell myself that I won't be happy straight away. Ending a marriage is not to be done lightly imho. But I hope that, a year from now, I'll look back without regrets.




Thank you. I really want to go home and show him your post tbh. It pulls no punches and it's 100% spot on.