FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Bangton wrote: »

Thanks for that. .I am aware hence me asking further questions from his side of it. ...

What do you want to know? Perhaps the OP can print out all your questions so that you can decide whether you want to live with him any more.

Oh - it's not you that is living with him is it? It's the OP.

She's an adult, she is entitled to decide based on her experiences of her husband without a load of people baying for her blood and telling her to think of it from his side. If he had been thinking of it from her side, perhaps he would have been willing to discuss before it got to this?

tayforth

Good morning. Feeling a little numb today, tbh.

FBaby wrote: »

Absolutely and the way OP seems to take no onus to the state her relationship has got into, I suspect the other side might be very different as it often is.

FBaby wrote: »

Tayforth, I'm sorry if I come across accusingly, but I think you need to start taking some responsibility in what is happening. You seem to put all the fault on him and seem to expect him to make all the decisions and do so in a way that suits you.

I don't understand why you are cross with him that he has come back? He has because somehow, he thinks your marriage can still be saved. He clearly still loves you and seem to have no clue that you just can't wait for him to go, except that you don't have the guts to do it yourself.

That is incredibly unfair on him. As a poster said yesterday, he respected his ex for having done it when she realised her feelings were dead.

You felt a huge sense of relief when he was gone, so just take it by the horn and instead of being silent when he questions you (Gosh that would make ME very angry, it's horrible to have someone not responding to you when you ask THE question), just tell him that you don't love him any longer and want out of the relationship.

I do feel for you because it is indeed as hard to dump as it is to be dumped, but I think you need to take some ownership of the mess. He didn't cause it all himself, you're the one who wants out, so you need to be the one making it happen and do so quickly before the guy is completely battered emotionally.

Thank you for your post. I appreciate all the replies and I know that you're trying to be helpfully critical.

I do take some responsibility. I've stayed with him. I didn't leave sooner. I've enabled him to continue behaving as he does. And no, I'm not perfect. Absolutely not.

But I used to be 100% emotionally engaged in the relationship, tried to understand him, never refused to talk, showed him lots of affection. Lately, yes, I've been withdrawn, but only in the last 6 months out of 7 years.

And it's been a slow withdrawal process over a long period of time. I've made it very clear how miserable I am, that I'm not sure if I see a future for us with the way things have been, that my feelings are being slowly eroded by his words and deeds.

Last night, he said that all I had to do was ask him not to go, and I said that I wouldn't ask. What more can I do or say??? Am I not making myself clear?

And the reason that it makes more sense for him to leave, even temporarily, is that his mum lives only a few miles away, whereas mine is a long distance away. That's where he was headed last night when he turned and came back.

Bangton wrote: »

Out of interest why does he feel his problems are borne from the relationship? I mean ... if he's been like this most of your relationship then what is he saying you have done to cause his fury? I think regardless of anything it is clear your mind is made up and you don't want to work through this. I'm not chastising you in anyway but I'm not sure you even like this man let alone feel any small glimmer of love. Deep down I think perhaps you feel you need validation from others before you throw the towel in and that's what has set this chain of events of posting on here and going to samaritans. ... From the outside looking in its very clear how you feel and I think you should be sitting down and telling your husband it's over asap. If he wants to go to counselling he can and should alone but I think for your sake it's too little too late.......

I have no idea. He has always blamed me for his own anger, which tbh is ridiculous. He says, "I wouldn't shout at at you if you didn't make me angry", which is dangerously close to "I wouldn't hit you if...".

Perhaps I do need validation. That's true. I think, though, that my decision to post here was also a need to talk to someone as I can't burden my family and friends with this, and it's been eating away at me for a long time. The sense of relief that I feel is huge.

As for 'do I like or love him?', sometimes I do. When he's being nice (or is that just 'normal'?), I forget the bad stuff and I do like him. Sometimes I don't. When his face is twisted in fury and he's almost spitting at me, I think that I hate him.

Bangton

Funky_Bold_Ribena wrote: »

What do you want to know? Perhaps the OP can print out all your questions so that you can decide whether you want to live with him any more.

Oh - it's not you that is living with him is it? It's the OP.

She's an adult, she is entitled to decide based on her experiences of her husband without a load of people baying for her blood and telling her to think of it from his side. If he had been thinking of it from her side, perhaps he would have been willing to discuss before it got to this?

Read my post ey love. I haven't asked for a ton of questions. ..I asked one. I am not baying for anyone's blood

tayforth

CH27 wrote: »

Because he can't admit he has any faults.
He's to cowardly to take a long, hard look at himself & so blames others.

See my post above.

It's only lately that he's admitting that he may be at fault. But, as Bangton says, it's too little, too late. If he'd said so a few years ago, things would have been different. But my love and respect for him have been slowly destroyed. Each time that I've given him another chance, I've genuinely wanted things to improve, I've desperately patched up my feelings.

But the well is running dry. I can't conjure up love or respect where there is none. That makes me incredibly sad. I didn't want my relationship to fail.

Orlando_Virgin wrote: »

Yeah that was me. It wasn't that her feelings were dead it was just that she was unhappy. She was only 22, she felt like she had a lot more to achieve, travel and accomplish in life and for whatever reason that made her unhappy and feel like there was a "hole" in her life.

It was hugely different circumstances to the OP, the only similarity I was trying to point out that is if any one of the two in a relationship is unhappy for any reason, it needs to be communicated as soon as is possible. I got to the point where I was nearly depressed because I'd convinced myself that it was me making her unhappy, despite her ensisting it wasn't and she was fine - it was all in my head etc. until she realised/admitted she wasn't happy.

Although I was devastated and upset, the one positive I took from it all was that I knew I wasn't going insane, and something wasn't quite right, it was a bit of a relief. If you talk to your OH and explain civally all these negative feelings you have, it may just open his eyes. If it doesn't, then surely you know what has to be done.

And good on her, and you, for the way you've handled it. I really admire you both.

But your ex's feelings were nothing to do with you. My feelings are entirely to do with my OH.

Orlando_Virgin

Every post I've read from you suggests that you have 100% decided that you are not in this relationship/marriage anymore. I completely understand the reasons why, although we only have one side of the story, we only need one when you are as incredibly unhappy as you are.

One thing I did notice that worried me a little was that you "didn't want to be a burden to your friends and family", whilst I admire your strength and understand, it is simply impossible to do this on your own. There is nothing better for you at this time than to be around those that are closest to you for support. If EVER any of my friends needed me in the way you do I would be there for them. Burden would be that last word I would be thinking. I would be proud to be there for them.

I noticed you confided in the Samaritans earlier, and on this board. Is there no one close to you that you can confide in?

Please do not try and do this all on your own.

FBaby

thanks for appreciating I an really not having a go at you as am not it is just vibes I am picking up that you are struggling with making decisions for your own self, maybe relying too much on others making the way for you and then getting angry inside that they have not lead the right path for you.

You haven't replied as to why you decided to go ahead with the wedding. Is it him who suggested it and you just went along with it? how long were you engaged for? Did you feel over the moon when he asked you to may him our did you go along with it thinking marriage would make things better?

It its very hard to share your life with someone who goes along by pretending they feel one way when deep inside they don't. It fuels insecurities which with time turn into anger. I am wondering if it is the reason why he says it is your relationship that causes his feeling of anger.

It seems that you are both confused and angry, just expressed differently. You have failed to communicate instead hoped the other one wild change to make things better. You need to be honest with him and ask him to leave since that is what you want. Why can't you do it instead of expecting him to read your mind and getting angry because he isn't?

beckysbobbles1

I'm actually pretty annoyed with some of the replies you've received.

I have been in a similar situation where I have stayed with someone and been miserable because I wasn't confident enough to relaise I deserve to be happy independantly. You also deserve to be happy.

I think you should speak to your husband and discuss how you are feeling. You will probably find he is feeling similarly.

Perhaps marriage counselling may help you discuss your issues and help resolve some.

However it is very difficult to 'fancy' someone again once those feelings are gone. It's not impossible but sometimes difficult.

Yes this is only one side of the story, if it was both people posting we'd be shouting at them to talk to each other.

Ultimately you need to do what is right for you and no one else. I'm not sure if you have children, obviously if you do then they are a huge factor to consider but you both deserve to be happy.

MrsDrink

Bangton wrote: »

From his point of view I'd be interested to hear. We only know one side of the story after all. ...

As Funky Bold Ribena says - that is true in most walks of life. If my best friend came to me in real life with the same problems as described here I wouldn't go off to have a chat to her partner to find out his side of the story*. I would offer my support based on what she was telling me. In the same way people have here. Maybe it is just me but I don't feel like I have to hear both sides in order to be able to provide support to someone, I'm not in a court, and I'm allowed to be wrong. The OP on this thread, and every other thread on MSE, can weigh up everyone's contributions based on their deeper knowledge and understanding of the situation, and act upon or ignore it how they see fit. But not knowing the other side of the story doesn't make the OPs feelings any less true for them.

*Although admittedly in real life I would probably know more of the whole situation than you can gain from a few words on a screen.


FWIW I disagree, Tayforth, with your comment "My feelings are entirely to do with my OH." I think you should take ownership of them, you could have walked away earlier when you knew things were deteriorating before you got married. But shoulda/woulda/coulda it's what you do from now on that is important.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Bangton wrote: »

Read my post ey love. I haven't asked for a ton of questions. ..I asked one. I am not baying for anyone's blood

If you asked only one, why say 'hence me asking further questions'?

Questions is plural; if you meant one then you should have said ''hence me asking a further question'.

Try reading your own posts first, eh.

Person_one

FBaby wrote: »

Tayforth, I'm sorry if I come across accusingly, but I think you need to start taking some responsibility in what is happening. You seem to put all the fault on him and seem to expect him to make all the decisions and do so in a way that suits you.

I don't understand why you are cross with him that he has come back? He has because somehow, he thinks your marriage can still be saved. He clearly still loves you and seem to have no clue that you just can't wait for him to go, except that you don't have the guts to do it yourself.

That is incredibly unfair on him. As a poster said yesterday, he respected his ex for having done it when she realised her feelings were dead.

You felt a huge sense of relief when he was gone, so just take it by the horn and instead of being silent when he questions you (Gosh that would make ME very angry, it's horrible to have someone not responding to you when you ask THE question), just tell him that you don't love him any longer and want out of the relationship.

I do feel for you because it is indeed as hard to dump as it is to be dumped, but I think you need to take some ownership of the mess. He didn't cause it all himself, you're the one who wants out, so you need to be the one making it happen and do so quickly before the guy is completely battered emotionally.

This is a man who calls her a C*** and a selfish b****, who tells he that the abuse she receives from him is her own fault.

I don't think you need to try so hard to see it from his side. Frankly, who cares about his side?