FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

tayforth

I went to the Samaritans again this evening, it was incredibly helpful. I spoke to a different lady this time. I don't know how they do it tbh, they're angels to me. She had tears in her eyes at one stage, poor thing. Anyway, it strengthened my resolve not to be talked around. When I got home about an hour ago, he was still here. He'd written me a letter, which I read - it didn't move me at all.

Then he came downstairs and told me that he'd been to speak to someone himself today, who'd made him ashamed of his behaviour and made him really take a hard look at himself'. I didn't even react, just said that I was going to bed and didn't want to talk. He's offered to spend tomorrow night at his mum's - whether he does so or not remains to be seen.

He's now gone to bed and I'm sitting watching a DVD and trying to relax.

Please tell me that I'm handling this OK.

Netwizard

There is a lot of talking going on, but very little action. It almost sounds like hes trying to show you that hes trying to chanfe, in the hope his previous behaviour might get brushed under the carpet.

You could still be living like this in months!

marisco_2

tayforth wrote: »

Please tell me that I'm handling this OK.

I think it was wise of you to go and see the Samaritans again. If they can help you to have clarity on everything and enable you to make well informed decisions about your future then that is a very positive thing.

At some stage, for your own sake, I would advise you to communicate with your husband. Tell him all you are feeling and thinking and hear his side too. It seems that you have decided things are over. By getting everything out into the open, it will help bring closure and make your recovery from the split much easier to cope with.

tayforth

Netwizard wrote: »

There is a lot of talking going on, but very little action. It almost sounds like hes trying to show you that hes trying to chanfe, in the hope his previous behaviour might get brushed under the carpet.

You could still be living like this in months!

But the difference is that I won't be taken in this time.

I'm going to go and visit my mum this weekend, and I might tell her what's been going on. I've been wanting to spare her the worry, but I can't keep it quiet forever.

And I don't intend to be living like this for months, truly I don't.

marisco wrote: »

I think it was wise of you to go and see the Samaritans again. If they can help you to have clarity on everything and enable you to make well informed decisions about your future then that is a very positive thing.

At some stage, for your own sake, I would advise you to communicate with your husband. Tell him all you are feeling and thinking and hear his side too. It seems that you have decided things are over. By getting everything out into the open, it will help bring closure and make your recovery from the split much easier to cope with.

Thank you. I'm sorry that I didn't go to them sooner. They've been marvellous. I will be sending them a thank you card for sure.

And I will communicate with him. I've already told him everything I've said here, but I'll spell it out in no uncertain terms. It's definitely over. I don't want to be with him any more. I don't care if he's sorry. Any love or respect I had for him is gone, and I can't restore it, no matter how hard he tries to make it up to me, no matter how much he wants me back.

And I'll stick to it. I owe that to myself.

mortgagenomore_2

Tayforth i never respond to posts but having read all yours i think you sound like such a nice genuine person that deserves a whole lot better and will one day find a like minded person that can respect you and treat you like you should be treated.

A lot are asking you why you married him? why you didnt leave then blah blah blah but questions aside here and now is what counts and you deserve a whole lot more than what you are settling for. He didnt even have the guts to leave but returned because you have taking all his control away gradually and now he is realising you actually dont give two hoots, sad but true and the way he has behaved has slowly built your strength which in reality by the end you can finally close this chapter of your life and look forward to the future, use him for the wedding put on a brave face, wait until he is at work get the removal van in, completely clear the house and leave him a note "Have a good life you c++t :rotfl:

Oh and i was the same had the relationship put to bed in the january after a horrid xmas and same as you verbally abused for 4 years constantly blamed drink, mental illness, family always someones elses fault anyway had a holiday booked for the november with family had to see it through anyway that elation as i sat on the return flight got through the front door and said "see your suitcase dont bother unpacking it", my smile as i closed the door on the cretin for the last time as he said i will visit we can work it out, of course i replied.... i think not!!! :T

FBaby

Netwizard wrote: »

There is a lot of talking going on, but very little action. It almost sounds like hes trying to show you that hes trying to chanfe, in the hope his previous behaviour might get brushed under the carpet.

You could still be living like this in months!

This is exactly what I think. You've agreed here that you needed to take action and that meant telling him to go and yet you buried your head further, let him believe that his plea might work when deep inside you are praying that he decide to go on his own.

You can't go on feeling sorry for your situation yet refusing to take actions to change it. At the moment, he is not forcing you in anyway in this relationship you want out of, you are.

I agree with Netwizard, at this stage, it might go on and on with you getting angrier and angrier, complaining how badly he treats you and what an idiot he is to try to salvage the relationship, yet staying in it because you can't take it upon yourself to act up.

Again, sorry for my harsh words, but you are clearly miserable with the situation and yet don't seem prepare to take matters in your hands and take control of your life.

Just a few hours earlier, you wrote:

And I will communicate with him. I've already told him everything I've said here, but I'll spell it out in no uncertain terms. It's definitely over. I don't want to be with him any more. I don't care if he's sorry. Any love or respect I had for him is gone, and I can't restore it, no matter how hard he tries to make it up to me, no matter how much he wants me back.

And I'll stick to it. I owe that to myself.

Yet, you did exactly the opposite by going silent and in my view, that's a form of psychological abuse to.

Orlando_Virgin

tayforth wrote: »

But the difference is that I won't be taken in this time.

I'm going to go and visit my mum this weekend, and I might tell her what's been going on. I've been wanting to spare her the worry, but I can't keep it quiet forever.

And I don't intend to be living like this for months, truly I don't.



Thank you. I'm sorry that I didn't go to them sooner. They've been marvellous. I will be sending them a thank you card for sure.

And I will communicate with him. I've already told him everything I've said here, but I'll spell it out in no uncertain terms. It's definitely over. I don't want to be with him any more. I don't care if he's sorry. Any love or respect I had for him is gone, and I can't restore it, no matter how hard he tries to make it up to me, no matter how much he wants me back.

And I'll stick to it. I owe that to myself.

You are doing superbly. What strikes me the most about all that I've read from you is you seem very genuine, down to earth and rational in your thinking. You need to tell him everything you have just said and as soon as possible. STOP DELAYING IT!!

Speak to your Mum in confidence, I'm positive that if she has raised someone as in touch with your feelings as you are now, then she will complertely understand and then you can both make it through the wedding together if you need to.

He is FULL of empty promises and garbage. Its clear to me from what you tell us about his past that he is NOT going to change. He just isn't. You never know when its all said and done, he may actually realise that he wasn't right for you and his behaviour was ridiculous. You may actually end up helping him? It might take something this drastic.

There is also a good chance that without you knowing your Mum has an inkling that you've been unhappy. With my ex I thought I was hiding it quite well, but turns out Mum had already seen signs that it wasn't working.

CHIN UP!

Alchemilla

tayforth wrote: »

I've never used DH, we're not long married, I've always called him OH and never changed it. No hidden meaning. Is DH more affectionate?.

I just think if I was newly married and it was right I would want to make a thing of it. No big deal. Clearly it is not right. You are doing brilliantly. Your pace is the right one and dont let anyone say otherwise.

tayforth

Morning everyone. I woke up feeling very sad, am currently in work but just can't concentrate.

I'm just reminding myself of all the reasons that I'm doing this. He won't be there this evening (I hope) and I'm looking forward to just relaxing on my own.

mortgagenomore wrote: »

Tayforth i never respond to posts but having read all yours i think you sound like such a nice genuine person that deserves a whole lot better and will one day find a like minded person that can respect you and treat you like you should be treated.

A lot are asking you why you married him? why you didnt leave then blah blah blah but questions aside here and now is what counts and you deserve a whole lot more than what you are settling for. He didnt even have the guts to leave but returned because you have taking all his control away gradually and now he is realising you actually dont give two hoots, sad but true and the way he has behaved has slowly built your strength which in reality by the end you can finally close this chapter of your life and look forward to the future, use him for the wedding put on a brave face, wait until he is at work get the removal van in, completely clear the house and leave him a note "Have a good life you c++t :rotfl:

Oh and i was the same had the relationship put to bed in the january after a horrid xmas and same as you verbally abused for 4 years constantly blamed drink, mental illness, family always someones elses fault anyway had a holiday booked for the november with family had to see it through anyway that elation as i sat on the return flight got through the front door and said "see your suitcase dont bother unpacking it", my smile as i closed the door on the cretin for the last time as he said i will visit we can work it out, of course i replied.... i think not!!! :T

Thank you for your post. I'm glad to hear that you managed to leave your ex and I hope that you're happier now? How did you stick it out from Jan to Nov once you'd finally decided? (having said that, I have been feeling like this for even longer)

And I am still undecided about the wedding. My gut tells me not to bring him, to end it now, but I don't want it to take attention away from the happy couple, which it no doubt will. All our family, friends and neighbours will be asking questions and, even if they don't ask openly, it'll be a topic of conversation all day.

Alchemilla wrote: »

I just think if I was newly married and it was right I would want to make a thing of it. No big deal. Clearly it is not right. You are doing brilliantly. Your pace is the right one and dont let anyone say otherwise.

Perhaps you're right. I haven't been your typical blissful newlywed.

tayforth

FBaby wrote: »

This is exactly what I think. You've agreed here that you needed to take action and that meant telling him to go and yet you buried your head further, let him believe that his plea might work when deep inside you are praying that he decide to go on his own.

You can't go on feeling sorry for your situation yet refusing to take actions to change it. At the moment, he is not forcing you in anyway in this relationship you want out of, you are.

I agree with Netwizard, at this stage, it might go on and on with you getting angrier and angrier, complaining how badly he treats you and what an idiot he is to try to salvage the relationship, yet staying in it because you can't take it upon yourself to act up.

Again, sorry for my harsh words, but you are clearly miserable with the situation and yet don't seem prepare to take matters in your hands and take control of your life.

Just a few hours earlier, you wrote:


Yet, you did exactly the opposite by going silent and in my view, that's a form of psychological abuse to.

When I said that I went silent, I did speak for long enough to tell him as calmly as I could, again, that I wanted him to leave, that I didn't want to sort things out, that it had gone too far. I'm not completely ignoring him. I don't know what else I can say without being really horrid.

ATM I just want some space and some peace, a few days on my own to gather my thoughts. Not to change my mind, just to get away from the house and him.

His letter was still on the table this morning. He obviously thinks that I haven't read it, or that I have and it hasn't had the desired effect. I thought about throwing it in the bin, but didn't. I just left it there. If it's still there tonight, I'm binning it.

Orlando_Virgin wrote: »

You are doing superbly. What strikes me the most about all that I've read from you is you seem very genuine, down to earth and rational in your thinking. You need to tell him everything you have just said and as soon as possible. STOP DELAYING IT!!

Speak to your Mum in confidence, I'm positive that if she has raised someone as in touch with your feelings as you are now, then she will complertely understand and then you can both make it through the wedding together if you need to.

He is FULL of empty promises and garbage. Its clear to me from what you tell us about his past that he is NOT going to change. He just isn't. You never know when its all said and done, he may actually realise that he wasn't right for you and his behaviour was ridiculous. You may actually end up helping him? It might take something this drastic.

There is also a good chance that without you knowing your Mum has an inkling that you've been unhappy. With my ex I thought I was hiding it quite well, but turns out Mum had already seen signs that it wasn't working.

CHIN UP!

But I don't want us to just 'get through' the wedding. I want it to be a happy, joyful day for us all. I know that I can handle it, I just dread everyone else's reactions. And my sister will know that something's up and demand to be told.

And you're right about him. And I also hope that it'll work out for the best for him as well.

And lastly, I think that my mum does know that something is up. I hate worrying her, so I always try to put on a happy face (or voice on the phone) but I think that she suspects that something is not quite right.