FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

msb5262

Just wanted to say that after my marriage ended, I went to Relate for some counselling. It helped me to sort everything out in my head and I'd really recommend it. I didn't go immediately, started thinking about it after a couple of months and then it took a while to get the first appointment through. It was really helpful and I felt it liberated me from a lot of the emotional baggage of the marriage...

Alpha58

tayforth wrote: »

I'm torn between (a) not thinking about him, or the relationship, at all, just a clean mental slate; and (b) analysing it all in the hope that I'll have some sort of conclusion and 'closure'.

I'm doing (a) at the minute and it's serving me very well. (b) really doesn't appeal. Like you, I don't want to dwell on him. He's not in my life any more. End of story.

I definitely don't want to analyse him (because I don't care why he is the way he is, he's not my problem any more). But perhaps I need to learn a few lessons so that I can recognise the signs more easily in future. And I also need to reflect on myself. But maybe not yet.

Oh, I don't know. At the minute, I'm looking forward, not back. I've really enjoyed the last few weekends in the bosom of my fantastic family. It's done me the world of good. I feel more confident and happier. I feel optimistic. And that's all I want for now.

You're certainly on the right track. Closure will come with time and acceptance of the situation - you have clearly done a 150% job with the latter and the former will come naturally.

I'll make you this promise - you will carry on doing what you are doing, getting stronger every day and rediscovering yourself in the process. You will have some hard and tearful days but you will have many more happy ones, and the sadness will fade. One day you will wake up and realise that it is all behind you and has left you stronger and better for the experience. That's an absolute guarantee.

In terms of future relationship happiness, I am sure that this will come to you as well - whether that is being on your own or being with someone, you so obviously have your head screwed on the right way that what you want and need, when the time is right, will surely come. But not yet. Now is you time - enjoy it!

It's a bit gushy but this is anonymous so I can say it - I am incredibly fortunate to have met the love of my life 20 years ago (in August!) and to have been married to her for 14. Life is not always perfect and not always rosy but when you meet the person you deserve and who deserves you - you'll know. Nothing worth having is easy!

Mojisola

duckeggblue wrote: »

I didn't really mean about trying to analyse him ,I just meant that I am trying to analyse my own feelings.Agree analysing the exes at this point is a total waste of energy.trying to keep on the level.

msb5262 wrote: »

Just wanted to say that after my marriage ended, I went to Relate for some counselling. It helped me to sort everything out in my head and I'd really recommend it.

I didn't go immediately, started thinking about it after a couple of months and then it took a while to get the first appointment through. It was really helpful and I felt it liberated me from a lot of the emotional baggage of the marriage...

The timing will be different for different people but it is important to eventually get him out of your head as well as out of your life. Get all the telling people out of the way and finish making your home your space and start doing the things you want to do in your social life and then see how you feel.

Unlike msb5262, some people, years later, are still mulling over the bad relationship, trying to work out why they let themselves get taken over - they never completely let go. They might be free in the physical world but they're still under the ex's influence in their heads.

rockie4

Oh too many things I want to reply to and I don’t know how to do multiple quotes!! :j

Tayforth – I might text my son just to let him know I’m selling the house as he might see the sign on his way home from work. I’m not going to tell either of my kids about the affair – they don’t need to know that, just that we both want different things in life so are separating (I want FREEDOM!!!!) :j
Wedding ring – I haven’t worn one for years!! I threw it at him when we had a row about 20 years ago and never found it! He never bought me any other jewellery, in fact he’s hardly ever bought me anything……… Christmas I would get a paperback and a cheap box of chocs if I was lucky
You say you are shocked that people have been miserable for 20 years….. That’s me!! Married for 25 years and miserable for probably 20 of those, I just kept thinking that it had to get better……I was wrong but it will get better from now on! Your story has proved that to me :A

Spirit – He’s being co-operative at the moment but I’m waiting for the sh*t to hit the fan when the house actually sells. It’s my house, in my name only and he did sign a ‘deed of gift’ on the insistence of the mortgage company but I’m sure he’ll still be an a*sehole at some point…….
I plan to take as little as possible from the house, I’m hoping to move to a tiny flat so will have all new, smaller furniture He can have what he wants and I’ll get a house clearance for anything that's left.

Tayforth - Enjoy your trip to Ikea I have one within walking distance.......fatal Last time I went I had to get a taxi home with all the 'oh, that's nice, might be useful' bits that I'd bought :rotfl:

spirit

rockie4 wrote: »

Oh too many things I want to reply to and I don’t know how to do multiple quotes!! :j

Tayforth – I might text my son just to let him know I’m selling the house as he might see the sign on his way home from work. I’m not going to tell either of my kids about the affair – they don’t need to know that, just that we both want different things in life so are separating (I want FREEDOM!!!!) :j
Wedding ring – I haven’t worn one for years!! I threw it at him when we had a row about 20 years ago and never found it! He never bought me any other jewellery, in fact he’s hardly ever bought me anything……… Christmas I would get a paperback and a cheap box of chocs if I was lucky
You say you are shocked that people have been miserable for 20 years….. That’s me!! Married for 25 years and miserable for probably 20 of those, I just kept thinking that it had to get better……I was wrong but it will get better from now on! Your story has proved that to me :A

Spirit – He’s being co-operative at the moment but I’m waiting for the sh*t to hit the fan when the house actually sells. It’s my house, in my name only and he did sign a ‘deed of gift’ on the insistence of the mortgage company but I’m sure he’ll still be an a*sehole at some point…….
I plan to take as little as possible from the house, I’m hoping to move to a tiny flat so will have all new, smaller furniture He can have what he wants and I’ll get a house clearance for anything that's left.

Tayforth - Enjoy your trip to Ikea I have one within walking distance.......fatal Last time I went I had to get a taxi home with all the 'oh, that's nice, might be useful' bits that I'd bought :rotfl:

I'm dead envious of you having an ikea within walking distance. My nearest one is Southampton which is about an hour's drive from here. I love most of their stuff and end up spending loads there. I bought 2 double wardrobes a few months ago, you should have seen the looks we (my sis and me) got trying to load the bl00dy things into my car!

It sounds like you have things on track, but don't forget that we are here for you when you need us :A

tayforth

Morning!

I had a big sleep and feel so much better for it. I'm going to IKEA shortly as I still have the hire car until tomorrow, so may as well make the most of it.

spirit wrote: »

When you are ready you might want to have a read of this book http://www.amazon.co.uk/Men-Hate-Women-Love-Them/dp/0553381415/ref=pd_sim_b_5 and Women Who Love Too Much.

Those both look interesting. I'm not ready to read them ATM - although I suspect that I'd be nodding in agreement the whole way through! For now, it's enough to know that I'm finally, and permanently, free of him. Thanks xx

spirit wrote: »

You might find it cathartic to rid yourself of his negative energies in the house.

When I sold (I say I since he wasn't really involved in the selling process as per my post above) the family house and bought my own one; I got rid of everything that was 'ours'. The bed was the first to go and the old one I burned in the garden.

Gradually everything down to the last teaspoon was replaced and it feels very liberating.

Burning the bed eh!!

I've slept in the main bedroom the last 2 nights. It does feel different as I've changed things around. Also, I barely slept in that bed for 2 nights since it arrived in Feb, so it doesn't really have any associations for me. So we'll see.

But I've got rid of quite a few 'joint' items, and will continue to do so.

Funky_Bold_Ribena wrote: »

Tay...I was reading last night but from my ipad which I couldn't log on from [due to deleting cookies last week but I digress] - well done and now it's the start of the rest of your life. Enjoy!

Thanks so much I do feel as if I've started afresh, it's rather exciting!!

tayforth

duckeggblue wrote: »

I didn't really mean about trying to analyse him ,I just meant that I am trying to analyse my own feelings.Agree analysing the exes at this point is a total waste of energy.trying to keep on the level.

Totally agree.

msb5262 wrote: »

Just wanted to say that after my marriage ended, I went to Relate for some counselling. It helped me to sort everything out in my head and I'd really recommend it. I didn't go immediately, started thinking about it after a couple of months and then it took a while to get the first appointment through. It was really helpful and I felt it liberated me from a lot of the emotional baggage of the marriage...

I've been thinking about going back to the Samaritans, actually. Just to talk through my own feelings. Not yet, but maybe soon. They were fantastic when I needed them a few weeks ago.

Mojisola wrote: »

The timing will be different for different people but it is important to eventually get him out of your head as well as out of your life. Get all the telling people out of the way and finish making your home your space and start doing the things you want to do in your social life and then see how you feel.

Unlike msb5262, some people, years later, are still mulling over the bad relationship, trying to work out why they let themselves get taken over - they never completely let go. They might be free in the physical world but they're still under the ex's influence in their heads.

Oh, I intend to be the opposite of those people. I wasted 7 years with him, I won't waste any more trying to understand or make sense of it all. I've accepted what happened. He just is the way he is. Maybe he'll change, maybe he won't. But he is not my problem any more.

tayforth

Alpha58 wrote: »

You're certainly on the right track. Closure will come with time and acceptance of the situation - you have clearly done a 150% job with the latter and the former will come naturally.

I'll make you this promise - you will carry on doing what you are doing, getting stronger every day and rediscovering yourself in the process. You will have some hard and tearful days but you will have many more happy ones, and the sadness will fade. One day you will wake up and realise that it is all behind you and has left you stronger and better for the experience. That's an absolute guarantee.

In terms of future relationship happiness, I am sure that this will come to you as well - whether that is being on your own or being with someone, you so obviously have your head screwed on the right way that what you want and need, when the time is right, will surely come. But not yet. Now is you time - enjoy it!

It's a bit gushy but this is anonymous so I can say it - I am incredibly fortunate to have met the love of my life 20 years ago (in August!) and to have been married to her for 14. Life is not always perfect and not always rosy but when you meet the person you deserve and who deserves you - you'll know. Nothing worth having is easy!

Aw. Thank you so much, what a lovely post. I am optimistic that good things will come my way, and definitely relish having some 'me time' right now.

And double awww at your gushing! :A

rockie4 wrote: »

Oh too many things I want to reply to and I don’t know how to do multiple quotes!! :j

Tayforth – I might text my son just to let him know I’m selling the house as he might see the sign on his way home from work. I’m not going to tell either of my kids about the affair – they don’t need to know that, just that we both want different things in life so are separating (I want FREEDOM!!!!) :j
Wedding ring – I haven’t worn one for years!! I threw it at him when we had a row about 20 years ago and never found it! He never bought me any other jewellery, in fact he’s hardly ever bought me anything……… Christmas I would get a paperback and a cheap box of chocs if I was lucky
You say you are shocked that people have been miserable for 20 years….. That’s me!! Married for 25 years and miserable for probably 20 of those, I just kept thinking that it had to get better……I was wrong but it will get better from now on! Your story has proved that to me :A

Spirit – He’s being co-operative at the moment but I’m waiting for the sh*t to hit the fan when the house actually sells. It’s my house, in my name only and he did sign a ‘deed of gift’ on the insistence of the mortgage company but I’m sure he’ll still be an a*sehole at some point…….
I plan to take as little as possible from the house, I’m hoping to move to a tiny flat so will have all new, smaller furniture He can have what he wants and I’ll get a house clearance for anything that's left.

Tayforth - Enjoy your trip to Ikea I have one within walking distance.......fatal Last time I went I had to get a taxi home with all the 'oh, that's nice, might be useful' bits that I'd bought :rotfl:

Good luck with telling your son, I'm sure that he'll take it in his stride. And good luck with the house sale, I hope that your ex doesn't prove to be awkward. Get some legal advice, just in case (which I'm sure you have already) xx

spirit wrote: »

I'm dead envious of you having an ikea within walking distance. My nearest one is Southampton which is about an hour's drive from here. I love most of their stuff and end up spending loads there. I bought 2 double wardrobes a few months ago, you should have seen the looks we (my sis and me) got trying to load the bl00dy things into my car!

It sounds like you have things on track, but don't forget that we are here for you when you need us :A

LOL, I'm glad that my hire car is tiny or I'd go mad buying things! :rotfl:

paulineb_2

tayforth wrote: »

Totally agree.




I've been thinking about going back to the Samaritans, actually. Just to talk through my own feelings. Not yet, but maybe soon. They were fantastic when I needed them a few weeks ago.




Oh, I intend to be the opposite of those people. I wasted 7 years with him, I won't waste any more trying to understand or make sense of it all. I've accepted what happened. He just is the way he is. Maybe he'll change, maybe he won't. But he is not my problem any more.

All I would say to that is, you dont know when your feelings are going to come to the surface and when you might need support.
Im actually on the waiting list for counselling due to issues in the workplace, Ive referred myself for cbt because I suffered a lot of abuse in jobs over a 15 year period and even though anyone who sees me might think Im doing absolutely ok and in a lot of respects I am, I dont think you go through issues of abuse and just walk away from it without feeling something and it having some effect on you. And as Ive spoken about on other threads, I personally got no support from people outwith my family, I asked and asked for it through my GP, nothing was offered to me and sometimes I think theres a limit to what you can deal with without it weighing you down at times. I dont want to be weighed down by it any longer which is why I want to speak to someone now.

And I absolutely get that, that you dont want to wallow in anything or waste time analysing things and yes its great to be free, but you've been through some tough stuff and you cant say how you'll feel in 6 weeks, 6 months, a year. You might feel absolutely fine and never ever need to talk to anyone about what you've gone through again. But speaking as someone who has been through a lot of abuse in various settings in my life, it has changed me, it has scarred me to some extent, because I think even the most well rounded person can have moments where you cant make sense of stuff thats happened to you.

We are all different and how we react to any kind of stress, anxiety and abuse is different and if you feel you can slam the door on it all and walk away without many ill effects, then thats great. But you said it yourself, you may want to speak to the samaritans at a future date because they helped you.

Because when you are being abused on a consistent basis, that becomes your life and your reality and I think sometimes we get de sensitised to it in some ways, we block it out, we dont accept it, we make excuses for the other person even though we know its wrong whats happening and there can be a lot of, why on earth did that ever happen to me, why did I go through that? I dont blame people for feeling like that, Ive felt it myself, particularly in workplace issues, how did I get here.

And I also think sometimes when you are living with so much stress, your capacity to cope becomes too much and you just deal with everything thats being thrown at you at the time and sometimes later on, it can be a really trivial thing that upsets you and makes you realise how much stress you are under.

All Im really trying to say is, if you dont think you need extra support fine, but if you do get to the point where you think you do and its available, take it.

tayforth

paulineb wrote: »

All I would say to that is, you dont know when your feelings are going to come to the surface and when you might need support.
Im actually on the waiting list for counselling due to issues in the workplace, Ive referred myself for cbt because I suffered a lot of abuse in jobs over a 15 year period and even though anyone who sees me might think Im doing absolutely ok and in a lot of respects I am, I dont think you go through issues of abuse and just walk away from it without feeling something and it having some effect on you. And as Ive spoken about on other threads, I personally got no support from people outwith my family, I asked and asked for it through my GP, nothing was offered to me and sometimes I think theres a limit to what you can deal with without it weighing you down at times. I dont want to be weighed down by it any longer which is why I want to speak to someone now.

And I absolutely get that, that you dont want to wallow in anything or waste time analysing things and yes its great to be free, but you've been through some tough stuff and you cant say how you'll feel in 6 weeks, 6 months, a year. You might feel absolutely fine and never ever need to talk to anyone about what you've gone through again. But speaking as someone who has been through a lot of abuse in various settings in my life, it has changed me, it has scarred me to some extent, because I think even the most well rounded person can have moments where you cant make sense of stuff thats happened to you.

We are all different and how we react to any kind of stress, anxiety and abuse is different and if you feel you can slam the door on it all and walk away without many ill effects, then thats great. But you said it yourself, you may want to speak to the samaritans at a future date because they helped you.

Because when you are being abused on a consistent basis, that becomes your life and your reality and I think sometimes we get de sensitised to it in some ways, we block it out, we dont accept it, we make excuses for the other person even though we know its wrong whats happening and there can be a lot of, why on earth did that ever happen to me, why did I go through that? I dont blame people for feeling like that, Ive felt it myself, particularly in workplace issues, how did I get here.

And I also think sometimes when you are living with so much stress, your capacity to cope becomes too much and you just deal with everything thats being thrown at you at the time and sometimes later on, it can be a really trivial thing that upsets you and makes you realise how much stress you are under.

All Im really trying to say is, if you dont think you need extra support fine, but if you do get to the point where you think you do and its available, take it.

All fantastic points as ever, Pauline.

I agree that you can 'cope too much'; when I was being bullied at work, I was coping with that and the abuse at home because I couldn't see another way.

It was only when I got a transfer last autumn that I developed the mental strength to deal with what my OH was doing. I eventually broke under the weight of it all, and that's when I posted here.

And I do still wonder how the hell I put up with it for so long.

I'll keep an eye on myself and will definitely ask for help if I need it xxx