FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

lostinrates

spirit wrote: »

Yup, that was my sister this time last year. Her now ex husband even dictated what clothes she should wear, wasn't allowed makeup etc etc. The odd thing is that sis is an intelligent woman who worked f/t in a demanding career. My point is that you wouldn't have thought (and none of us in the family had guessed) that she would have put up with it for so long or that she was married to someone like that in the first place. He always came across as a very personable guy.

Tbf I think some key people are trained to recognise this trait. For example, at one of my (very many) hospital appointments they asked me to go into the next room for an examination, then started grilling me about my dh.

My dh is the most loving, caring amazing man in the world, but he comes to all medical appointments with me (at my request) and sometimes answers with me, or I look to him for guidance. This is partly because I have impaired memory.

At the time I was shocked and horrified anyone could think it of my husband but he said he was pleased because if they ask me they will ask other women whose men are abusive charmers.

People who know dh and I are always horrified...we are very lucky and our relationship has been commented on positively by many...but it's clear that many av users are charmers.


My nasty ex, when I left the police were involved:o and we had had the police around before to report a crime, and the same officers returned. One told me that frankly they had wondered what the hell I was doing with him and that they had both noted that it was likely he was a charming abuser and all the more dangerous because I was out of his league and the feeling of inadequacy makes them nastier, more controlling.

So some key professionals do know what to look for or at least not to be blindsided by a charming person and double check.

tayforth

duckeggblue wrote: »

Told ya! Xx perfect peace, your an inspiration to others.:T

I've been inspired by you all. :A

lostinrates wrote: »

Tbf I think some key people are trained to recognise this trait. For example, at one of my (very many) hospital appointments they asked me to go into the next room for an examination, then started grilling me about my dh.

My dh is the most loving, caring amazing man in the world, but he comes to all medical appointments with me (at my request) and sometimes answers with me, or I look to him for guidance. This is partly because I have impaired memory.

At the time I was shocked and horrified anyone could think it of my husband but he said he was pleased because if they ask me they will ask other women whose men are abusive charmers.

People who know dh and I are always horrified...we are very lucky and our relationship has been commented on positively by many...but it's clear that many av users are charmers.


My nasty ex, when I left the police were involved:o and we had had the police around before to report a crime, and the same officers returned. One told me that frankly they had wondered what the hell I was doing with him and that they had both noted that it was likely he was a charming abuser and all the more dangerous because I was out of his league and the feeling of inadequacy makes them nastier, more controlling.

So some key professionals do know what to look for or at least not to be blindsided by a charming person and double check.

My ex used to say that I was 'out of his league'. He was full of compliments about my appearance, but hardly ever said anything nice about my personality. On the contrary, he often told me how horrid I was.

No idea whether it was inadequacy/insecurity. The more I read the '10 traits of a sociopath' link from way back in the thread, the more I see him described to a tee.

Makes me shudder, tbh.

lostinrates

tayforth wrote: »

My ex used to say that I was 'out of his league'. He was full of compliments about my appearance, but hardly ever said anything nice about my personality. On the contrary, he often told me how horrid I was.

No idea whether it was inadequacy/insecurity. The more I read the '10 traits of a sociopath' link from way back in the thread, the more I see him described to a tee.

Makes me shudder, tbh.

Mine was entirely uncomplimentary about everything about me really. And that's how one ends up a bit wormlike and grateful for the attention from these 'little gods'. They make one feel less than one is.

duckeggblue

Yep, grateful for any crumb of affection they might give you . That's how starved of love you get . Look up narcissist too.Abusive men often insist you hold their arm when out with them, like you are a piece of jewellery to make them look good.

tayforth

lostinrates wrote: »

Mine was entirely uncomplimentary about everything about me really. And that's how one ends up a bit wormlike and grateful for the attention from these 'little gods'. They make one feel less than one is.

duckeggblue wrote: »

Yep, grateful for any crumb of affection they might give you . That's how starved of love you get . Look up narcissist too.Abusive men often insist you hold their arm when out with them, like you are a piece of jewellery to make them look good.

Yes, yes, yes to all of this. I was so worn down by my ex, I had no confidence or self-esteem left. When I posted here, I read the replies with tears streaming down my face. I was so grateful for any bit of kindness; in fact, I didn't even think that I was worthy of it.

I'm not saying that I've fully recovered, far from it - but I've come a long way in the last 29 days since starting this thread (yes, I'm counting).

duckeggblue

I have found recently that I have some difficulty understanding my emotions. I recently figured I sometimes felt tearful when people have been nice to me,in everyday life, then I figured out it was because in the past, what always followed my ex being nice- yes- my ex being nasty, so I have this association at times that is one of fear, but I only just worked this out.

tayforth

duckeggblue wrote: »

I have found recently that I have some difficulty understanding my emotions. I recently figured I sometimes felt tearful when people have been nice to me,in everyday life, then I figured out it was because in the past, what always followed my ex being nice- yes- my ex being nasty, so I have this association at times that is one of fear, but I only just worked this out.

The mind is a funny thing, and such associations are very powerful. What you describe makes perfect sense, but it was probably very hard to realise that it was happening.

I suspect that I've barely scratched the surface of all of this.

(((hugs)))

mintymoneysaver

Tay, really lovely to read your update, you didn't believe us how good it would feel at the beginning, did you? And look at you now! That feeling of not worrying about what OH is thinking is so fantastic. I've been invited to a posh 40th in two weeks. I've bought myself a very glam dress, booked a hair appt and know that I will have a fantastic time, dancing and chatting the night away ( OH hated dancing too) without having to worry, even once, about whether he's miserable or grumpy, or in a bad mood with me! And I'll dance with my friends, and their husbands (who are remarkably protective and slightly flirtatious with a single lady!) and love every minute of it! ( And no, my 'friend' isn't going!)

lostinrates

duckeggblue wrote: »

I have found recently that I have some difficulty understanding my emotions. I recently figured I sometimes felt tearful when people have been nice to me,in everyday life, then I figured out it was because in the past, what always followed my ex being nice- yes- my ex being nasty, so I have this association at times that is one of fear, but I only just worked this out.

How many years ago was it duckeggblue?


For me this is happily and safely in my past. I am lucky and content with that. I don't want to try and classify him or think about him. What's done is done, it happened and is over.

It cannot be rushed, the healing stage, but neither did I linger in it. I was very delighted to rediscover a robust sense of my attractiveness and put it well to use very quickly, but I was in my early twenties. I doubt I would bounce back so quickly now.

In any case, I wish for both of you, for everyone, to be over any wounds as quickly as possible. Scars fade a lot if you let them heal cleanly,

duckeggblue

lostinrates wrote: »

How many years ago was it duckeggblue?


For me this is happily and safely in my past. I am lucky and content with that. I don't want to try and classify him or think about him. What's done is done, it happened and is over.

It cannot be rushed, the healing stage, but neither did I linger in it. I was very delighted to rediscover a robust sense of my attractiveness and put it well to use very quickly, but I was in my early twenties. I doubt I would bounce back so quickly now.

In any case, I wish for both of you, for everyone, to be over any wounds as quickly as possible. Scars fade a lot if you let them heal cleanly,

its six months