The When, Why, What and How of Marriage

**professor~yaffle**

CharlieRabbit01 wrote: »

Many modern couples already live together, have had premarital sex, maybe even have children so:

When to get married?
Why get married?
What is marriage?
How does marriage change you, your life and relationship?

I am traditional (or old-fashioned:D) in that I see marriage as a life-long commitment, rather than just a contract between two people which can be terminated at any time.

If we wanted children I would want to be married. Not that it is necessary, I suppose, but I would feel most comfortable with two people showing a commitment to each other and (hopefully) a secure environment for bringing up a family.

There may also be financial reasons for a marriage, but I don't know what the current state of play is there. I don't think you get tax incentives for being married now, but I think inheritance and stuff like that is affected by whether or not you are married to the person.

**professor~yaffle**

PS can't help agreeing with londonlydia. Too many girls just wanting to be princess for a day. Sometimes the wedding debt lasts longer than the marriage!!

System

In my opinion there is one main reason for increasing divorce rates, too many people want a wedding... regardless of whether or not they want the marriage.

If i married again it would be for the reasons i stated above. They would be for the right reasons and as far as i am concerned there wouldnt be a glam wedding. Just me, him and a few close family members thats it. Stuff the big wedding.... ive had that and would never do it again.

FBaby

For me, marriage is very much what is written on the tin 'for better and for worse', rather than 'for better but with an easier way out if it gets worse'.

Missterious

When to get married?
We're getting married 5 years after meeting and 3 years after being officially a couple

Why get married?
to show each other that we are committed and i want the world to know we are together and mostly i want to say those vows to him and him to me with some meaning and infront of our loved ones and friends

What is marriage?
it's a commitment and a ceremony to show to each other how we feel, to join names and celebrate our love and a day to focus on how happy and lucky to have found each other as unfortunatly on a day to day basis life gets in the way and things can be very mundane and you can forget that you are hapyp together.

How does marriage change you, your life and relationship?
hopefully we will not change and i just hope it'll improve with time and we will continue to be incredibly happy

lady1964

When to get married?

We got engaged 6 weeks after meeting, moved in together a month after that & married 10 months after that; when we got married, I was 23 & DH was 24, first child was born 6 months after we got married, so yes, I was 3 months pregnant when we got married but she was a planned baby, we just didn't think I'd fall pregnant so quickly once we'd decided we wanted kids straight away. We celebrate 26 years of marriage later this year
Why get married?

We love each other and wanted the commitment of marriage and sharing our life together.
What is marriage?

Sharing your life together, the ups & downs, the highs & lows, supporting each other in work & every day life, compromise when needed.

How does marriage change you, your life and relationship?

For me, it became less about me and more about us as a couple, sharing things but giving each other certain freedoms - our own friends, work, hobbies. Also children arriving, growing up and becoming adults has changed our lives. We started just being us two, then had to put 3 other people first, now we can think of ourselves as a couple as much as we think of ourselves as parents and can, at times, put our relationship as a couple first but our dd's know we will support them and never stop being their parents. Marriage made me feel more responsible in every day life, financially and less selfish and putting others' needs before my own, but without doing myself down. OH is brilliant at putting me & dd's before himself, he is one of the least selfish people I know. We both have quite traditional values in many things but like to think of ourselves as having changed with the times.

I love being married and can't ever imagine not having OH in my life.

barbiedoll

I knew that I was going to marry my husband within 2 weeks of meeting him....probably because he took me to a football match for our second date. He made me laugh, and still does every day, I didn't want him to get away so I pinned him down as soon as possible!

We moved in together about 3 months after we met, we planned to marry around a year later but I fell pregnant a little sooner than planned. I was quite happy to be a pregnant bride but DH said to wait so that the baby could be in the photos too. The first year after the baby was born was the hardest of my life, my DH was an absolute rock, how he didn't walk out on me, I'll never know.

We had a cheapo wedding with our friends and family at our home. I would have been quite happy with a civil partnership, were such a thing available, I have no religious convictions so we married in a registry office ceremony. I don't know why it was so important for us to be married, I had been married before and my DH had lived with his previous partner for 16 years so we weren't dewy-eyed youngsters wanting a big party. We both just thought that it was right for us (and we still do) and despite some hard times, we're still here and still together after 17 years together.

I don't think (despite the rantings of a certain poster) that a marriage breakdown means that you're a "failure" in your personal life. People change, they want different things and sometimes a relationship cannot be saved. Marriage can be great but it's not always going to be right for everyone.

Saturnalia

Very interesting and timely thread as it's something I was musing over just the other day despite being single. (Got a couple of friends' weddings coming up this summer, that's what set me thinking about it.)

I definitely see the point in having a marriage but I just couldn't imagine wanting a wedding! It's all very public and I'm not into all that. I know you can go off and do it in secret with two witnesses, but people have said if that's the case then why bother doing it at all? To me, for the legal side of being married, which is the most important thing as I see it.

And I love the idea of making the promise to each other to be a pair forever, but then again can't you just make those promises to each other without having a wedding? But then again, if you're going to take vows and want the legal benefits too, why not just have the big party to go with it?

I'm already Ms Myname and would stay that way, so no-one knows now whether I am wed or not, apart from those close to me, and again, if I married people would know on a need-to-know basis... but people ask what's the point in marrying if everyone doesn't know? (Umm, the fact that you and the person you are married to know you are married, maybe?!)

I dunno, what do you do if you want to sign a legal contract with your other half but don't want a public show of it?

MrsDrink

When to get married/Why get married?
As I was growing up I was strong and independent and declared to the world I never wanted to get married. I met MrD, and we bought a house together. We got that 'piece of paper' so we didn't need a marriage certificate to prove we loved each other and were committed. But. Something in me changed. I wanted to be a proper part of his family, and him, mine. I wanted the world to know I was his wife. We actually married 13 years to the day after we first met (aged 33 and 32).

What is marriage? How does marriage change you, your life and relationship?
I would argue given that we've been together for 13 years before we got married that it hasn't changed us, but it has. Very subtly. I feel even more confident (smug) that we are a force to be reckoned with. That he has my back should I ever need it in every dimension. I guess in a way it has made me feel even more strong and independent.

MrsDrink

Saturnalia wrote: »

Very interesting and timely thread as it's something I was musing over just the other day despite being single. (Got a couple of friends' weddings coming up this summer, that's what set me thinking about it.)

I definitely see the point in having a marriage but I just couldn't imagine wanting a wedding! It's all very public and I'm not into all that. I know you can go off and do it in secret with two witnesses, but people have said if that's the case then why bother doing it at all? To me, for the legal side of being married, which is the most important thing as I see it.

And I love the idea of making the promise to each other to be a pair forever, but then again can't you just make those promises to each other without having a wedding? But then again, if you're going to take vows and want the legal benefits too, why not just have the big party to go with it?

I'm already Ms Myname and would stay that way, so no-one knows now whether I am wed or not, apart from those close to me, and again, if I married people would know on a need-to-know basis... but people ask what's the point in marrying if everyone doesn't know? (Umm, the fact that you and the person you are married to know you are married, maybe?!)

I dunno, what do you do if you want to sign a legal contract with your other half but don't want a public show of it?

Pop over to the Weddings forum, you'll see a HUGE variety of weddings. For us we wanted the public display of commitment, but only to be witnessed by our immediate family. (There was 11 guests at our ceremony). We then had a house party the following weekend for a wider circle of friends and family to celebrate our marriage (around 40-50 guests). It worked for us. We just started planning by a) deciding to get married and b) writing a list of all the things we didn't want (from the big things like religion down to the finer details like wedding favours).