The When, Why, What and How of Marriage

CharlieRabbit01

Hi

I was having a conversation about marriage and wondered what other peoples opinions are.

I'm not looking to prove anyone right or wrong but just an open discussion on modern day marriage as things have obviously changed since the days when we lived at home till we got married, the brides parents usually paid for the wedding, your gifts were household items like crockery and a kettle and you didn't live with your partner till after you married.

Many modern couples already live together, have had premarital sex, maybe even have children so:

When to get married?
Why get married?
What is marriage?
How does marriage change you, your life and relationship?

glitter_fairy

CharlieRabbit01 wrote: »

Hi

I was having a conversation about marriage and wondered what other peoples opinions are.

I'm not looking to prove anyone right or wrong but just an open discussion on modern day marriage as things have obviously changed since the days when we lived at home till we got married, the brides parents usually paid for the wedding, your gifts were household items like crockery and a kettle and you didn't live with your partner till after you married.

Many modern couples already live together, have had premarital sex, maybe even have children so:

When to get married?
Why get married?
What is marriage?
How does marriage change you, your life and relationship?

When to get married?

I got married 7 months after meeting my now husband, we were both teens, this was 13 years ago

Why get married?

We personally got married because we were very in love and it felt right

What is marriage?

To me its a commitment to each other

How does marriage change you, your life and relationship?

I think in the early years it helped us work on our relationship during hard times as we could not just walk away. I like the fact we are married and we both have the same last names as our children.

marisco_2

I think it is a good idea to live together for a while before getting married. You really get to know each other well then. Though to be honest it would take me a long time to want to get to even that stage, but then I am a bit old fashioned that way.

I think you should get married when you feel ready to make that level of commitment. When you feel confidant that the person is someone who you can share the rest of your life with. The person who you know will be by your side through thick and thin, that you can talk to, who respects you and takes as much interest in your life and ambitions as you do theres. However compatible you may be there will be differences between you but if you know about these, accept them and love the person for who they are then you are strong together.

A good marriage is to me the foundation of a happy life. In the best ones a couple have their best friend with them as they journey through it and experience all the adventures and ups and downs that it can throw at them.

For me I could not have considered having children without being married. I think having children is a far bigger commitment to someone than anything else. A huge step that should not be taken lightly. Unfortunately for me I thought I had found all of this with my ex husband only for him to not have felt the same after 14 years together. No matter how careful you are or how much you try, sometimes it just does not work out.

Kayalana99

I've never really thought about why really.

I've never seen the point in marriage itself as its just a document - but at the same time we are planning on getting married June 6th next year because we want a celebration of all our family together.

End day what other occasion do you have that gets your whole family together? (The whole of your side and partners side)

I think we are basicly doing it for the celebration and the fact we can then be husband and wife (although we always say were techinally married anyway)

FYI we are living together with a mortgage with 2nd child on the way. :T

glitter_fairy wrote: »

I like the fact we are married and we both have the same last names as our children.

Just had to addition to this I don't like having my last name dif from my baby either!! ...but i dont want to change my last name...ugh lol

bitemebankers

CharlieRabbit01 wrote: »

When to get married?

Only after you've taken the time to ascertain that your relationship is a permanent one, or as permanent as these things can be...

Why get married?

For me, there are a couple of compelling reasons. Firstly, there are the legal and financial benefits, which are not to be sniffed at, especially when you consider inheritance, next of kin, etc. It's also about making a very public commitment to your partner, which is something we've been practising in one form or another for millennia - it seems to suit us humans.

What is marriage?

A commitment between two people who love each other. Well, I say two, but if a three or more people in a poly relationship wanted to get married, I wouldn't have any objection on the grounds that it's really none of my business.

How does marriage change you, your life and relationship?

Personally, I don't think it changes at lot, much to the chagrin of those who thought getting married would revitalise their relationship or make their partner more faithful / attentive / loving / etc. I just don't see it in those terms.

lazywife

Good discussion point. Could be interesting...

When to get married?
We got married after being together 8 years.

Why get married?
I have to say I'm not a particularly religious person, but we got married to show the ultimate commitment to each other. Committing to each other in front of our close friends and family and in the eyes of God (I don't think we'd have got married if we weren't religious at all in a civil service as that wouldn't have had the same weight in our eyes)

What is marriage?
It is the proclamation of our commitment. Although nowadays it shouldn't and isn't necessarily true, it is our security of each other. If the marriage for whatever reason doesn't work, we have to not only explain it to each other, but also to justify our mistakes to everyone who we promised we'd be together forever in front of (including God)

How does marriage change you, your life and relationship?
Is it too lame to say it completed us as a couple? We're a very organised (too organised?) couple. We sorted mortgage, pensions and then at 26 we got married when we could afford to have the celebration we wanted and incorporated our family and friends. Also we felt it was important to us that we brought up a child when were married. (although again our organised life meant we'd wait another 5 years as we've set up a business in between)
We're a stronger couple for it, and although it's just words we've made a promise to each other that keeps our relationship strong.
Everyone's different though, we don't particularly big up anniversaries, we're just content being husband and wife.

Kayalana99

bitemebankers wrote: »

I wouldn't have any objection on the grounds that it's really none of my business.

I wish everyone would think like this.

I saw a sarcastic picture on facebook saying why don't we allow gay marriages? whats next people marrying in a trio?.

End day what dif does it matter to us if thats what people want to do.:rotfl:

Lagoon

I'm not actually married yet (just under 2 months to go) but can answer the other questions:

When to get married?

We'd known each other for five years before we got engaged. We met in mid 2006. We became best friends, lived together from late 2008 and then entered a relationship in mid-late 2009. He proposed in mid 2011, almost five years to the day since we'd first met. We're getting married in mid 2013, so will have known each other just under 7 years.

Why get married?

This was more for him than me, actually, at first. I thought a relationship should be about love and commitment, not a piece of paper. I have quite a modern and liberal mindset, but he's more traditional and wanted the right 'order' to things. Marriage, then children. The more he discussed it, the more I decided a wedding seemed like a nice idea and I did agree with raising a family in a married relationship.

What is marriage?

I suppose it's hard to define. Obviously there's the legal aspect but I don't see that as the important bit. I've grown over time to see it as a more solid sign of commitment - I suppose it's about our relationship being recognised as something truly special by family and friends, too.

How does marriage change you, your life and relationship?

Not there, yet! I've wanted children for years, so that will be on my mind more once we're married, but finances will dictate it just as much as our marriage does.

lostinrates

When: When its endured a little beyond a hormone driven bond, when you have established you have shared goals and can proceed through life striving for them, not pulling against each others opposing desires, and when this has been just a little tested by time, pressure of life etc. we got engaged exactly a year after meeting, I would not have considered sooner. It was a further year before w were married, though that was earlIre than planned as families could nt make shared dates for two years.

Why to ge married: we got married sooner than planned wedding because we found that far from being just a formality although my medical details referred people to my then boyfriend/ fianc! they kept assuming my parents were the people to contact. Marriage was important to us for practical and legal considerations. Spiritually we already felt committed. I would not personally consider kids without this sort of commitment, or considerable joint finances without some sort of commitment from each of us.

What is marriage? Two things. A public commitment and recognition of trust, and mutuality in our lives. And a legal contract, protecting us in some scenarios, entitling us to some things in others. Furthermore it facilitates household management in the way it's recognised, for example, money might be transferred between spouses without it being 'dodgy'. For things like work related benefits in our situation, thoUgh not all employers are the same, nothing other than spouse or civil partner ( or cohabiting parent of child) are considered 'partner'.

How does it change things? We didn't think it would. Not least a we had no big party, just slipped off for a registry office thing with a couple of witnesses, and yet, it has, somehow. I never really used the word fianc!/ or fianc!e but husband and wife seem 'right'. Practically, its been useful and we felt bonded before to each other. Perhaps it's merely the 'official' status, but I'm glad we did it.

CharlieRabbit01

I have a similar opinion to Kayalana99.

I don't really see the point in getting married that and the fact since I don't have a lot of spare money there are other things I'd rather spend it on.

I also don't want to change my name I am the last person in my family to have my name (everyone else has either died or married). So my name is important to me but also I don't think I could get married and just keep my name which I know you can do.

I have absolutely no desire to get what remains of my family together with my partners family. It may sound bad but my family embarrass me.

I've been with my partner for 6 years and lived together for 5.5 years.

A few people have accused me of living in sin.

Not committed to him because I have no desire to get married and that I'm obviously just waiting for the mr right to come along.

We love each other very much, make each other laugh and smile and have the same opinions on marriage and babies etc.

So just wondered what everyone else's thoughts were on the subject as i'm sure i'm not alone in my opinon.

duchy

It's a good question -

I was brought up at a time things were starting to change.

When I got married at 19 most people only lived together if they had bought a house to move into after they had got married and moved in early to do it up so order was changing from wedding, home then kids to home, wedding than kids ....kids generally still came after (even if sometimes not by much ) but it wasn't more than a few months between buying the house and the wedding and often only the groom moved in pre-wedding -at least officially.

Some thirty years later it seems to be home , kids then wedding and if I'm honest I don't think it's a good thing as if you are making the commitment of mortgage and children -which are lifetime commitments pretty much - why on earth wait to wed ?

Is it just down to the fact that people have such huge expectations for weddings whereas back in the 80s a NORMAL wedding was still a big party - but no-one thought twice if your catering was done at home , the bridesmaids dresses were made by a family member etc etc Sure there were extravagent weddings but they weren't the norm - certainly not for the majority . I honestly didn't care if my shoes were a well known label or if my MIL to be's best friend made the bridesmaids dresses or that my fabulous dress came from Debenham's sale. I just wanted a nice day marrying my man with all my family and friends sharing it. I didn't need a sweetie table or a chocolate fountain or a limo or a huge posh do that would put us in debt .....and everyone I knew felt the same and even those who were offered a big showy wedding often said they'd rather have money towards a deposit and a more modest wedding.

I *know* I sound about 110 but in thirty years things have changed completely and if I'm honest if I get married again -it'll be off to Vegas -just the two of us and maybe some close family . I wouldn't have the patience for a wedding here with the OTT expectations.

I look at the Waiting for a proposal thread and I shake my head .... I want to say to these girls "Listen -don't let them linger over this" and to the men "If she's the one - then get on with it-and if she isn't tell her so she can find someone who values her and isn't keeping her hanging on a string"

What price equality ? Younger women today seem to be afraid of saying "Listen Buster-I'm a catch - Snooze and you may just lose !!"

If you feel you are in it for the long haul and your partner is the one -Why wait ? Is a wedding more about the party and impressing people and less about the public declaration of your relationship nowadays ?