The When, Why, What and How of Marriage

lostinrates

duchy wrote: »

sjc3's post will soon disappear ...I'm sure I'm not the only one hitting the report button. Ah school holidays ...........always brings out the trolls

Do you think a school aged troll could have time to have grown so bitter? The world seems a little worse than I thought if so.

duchy

Not given it much thought to be honest....They are not worthy of me wasting my time thus

Having considered your point for a milisecond -You're probably right -so an apology to all school age trolls

Amanda65

Very interesting discussion and I suspect some people's opinions are based on personal experience or that of their parents - good and bad. But for what it's worth, here's my two penneth

When to get married?
OH and I had been together for 4 months when he proposed, got engaged 25 years ago (today!) and married 18 months later although we did move in together around the time of the engagement. We just clicked, wanted the same things and didn't see the point in hanging around even though I was only 22 and he was 26.

Why get married?
Being married was always very important to me and I'm not sure how I would have felt if OH didn't want to get married. It was about saying to ourselves and everyone else we were in this for life and as someone else said also meant we've always worked at our relationship in a way that perhaps we wouldn't have done without it.

What is marriage?
I think it is different things to different people so can only give my opnion but to me it is about making a committment to one other person, expecting them to do the same to you, and know that you are both heading in the same direction ith the same goal.
How does marriage change you, your life and relationship?

How does marriage change you, your life and relationship?
I don't know as I have not not been married so have no idea how different life would have been. When things got tough sometimes we maybe both worked that bit harder to come trhough it - or maybe we didn't, perhaps that says more about us that marriage per se. I like being married though, I like my children having parents who are married, that they all have the same two parents and I like us all being a unit.

marisco_2

Hello again sjc3. I have put you on my ignore list as I dont believe in confrontation or getting into arguments with people. However I am saddened and disappointed to see, via some others posts, that you are choosing to attack me again.

I dont know who you are or what I have done to incense you so much. Maybe you would like to explain this to me so as I can put things right? I would like to avoid any future threads being derailed in this manner.

You are correct in that my marriage did fall apart. I am a big enough person to admit, that there were times when I could no doubt, of handled things better within my marriage. We are all only human and not perfect. We had our ups and downs like lots of other couples but we worked at them as a couple, over came them and moved forward. I never cheated on my husband nor gave him any reason for attacking and abusing me. Nothing anyone can say or do to another justifies that in my eyes, but maybe that is just me. Only the very weak willed use aggression and violence.

As I say I am very sorry that you feel this level of angst against me and would appreciate the chance to sort this out so that MSE can be a nice place to come and discuss and debate interesting issues

This_Year

Marriage is being able to have the most spectacular blinding row one day and the next day kissing and making up as you both know that you both were slightly at fault.

lostinrates

CharlieRabbit01 wrote: »

I'd still rather (at the moment anyway) put that 100 -150 towards something else that I actually want or as it should be need.

My relationship with my mother is already strained and I wouldn't like to do anything that made that worse. And it would be devastating to OH's parents if they we're invited.

What are the tax/legal considerations?

100/15o might, under some financial circumstances, be very quickly regained. This would be for an accountant to discuss with you. My financial lingo and understanding is not perfect, so I am wary that I might get a lot wrong, and I don't want to do that too much. In very broad terms, inheritance, financial gifts tax free, and ability to share money, or have the lowest rated tax payer maximise their holding of savings to threshold for the two of the partners, with less risk to a higher rates tax payer are pretty key. Inheritance is a big one, not for most young people, but if you buy a house under threshold as you get older and it's value raises tax threshold becomes more important, but also in many cases intestacy guidelines come in to play, and favour official partners.

Legally for us, was the medical consideration. When we got married I had come through a long period of medical care where life and death decisions were made. Dh had a very difficult time sustaining his position as my nok when we were just 'boyfriend/girlfriend' and people kept trying to defer to my parents, which was not what I wanted and I had taken steps to make this clear. Marriage has almost totally resolved this issue. (The only problem since has been on one occasion since where the hospital suspected dh of being a perpetrator of domestic violence, but I was able to put their minds at rest and explain that he was with me at my appointments not to control me but to support me as I am latrophobic and have problems with things like memory retention, and its dh I want hearing what is said to me by doctors, not anyone else who could attend with me.). Usually, in those very fraught circumstances of fragility of life my experience is peoe want to talk to your parents if you are not married. It might be different if you have kids, but for us it was very difficult at times when I was not able to defend myself and dh was my 'mouthpiece'

CharlieRabbit01

This_Year wrote: »

Marriage is being able to have the most spectacular blinding row one day and the next day kissing and making up as you both know that you both were slightly at fault.

I can already do this with my partner.

This_Year

CharlieRabbit01 wrote: »

I can already do this with my partner.

And so could I to a certain extent before we married but it's now somehow deeper than that.

pigpen

This_Year wrote: »

Marriage is being able to have the most spectacular blinding row one day and the next day kissing and making up as you both know that you both were slightly at fault.

Why would you have such an argument with anyone let alone someone you are meant to love?

I prefer to discuss things calmly and maturely... and if we disagree still I just say yeah whatever and move on.. we can't agree on everything but why fall out?

ognum

sjc3 wrote: »

Aha you see I was right, some people drive their partners away. What happened did you bore him, could you not make him happy? See it is the one left behind that pushes other people away, not the other way round. Think about it marisco and thanks for just proving all my points

the only excuses that I can find for you sjc3 are that you are very young, very bored or have lead a very insular and unworldly existence.

How sad it is when some one could make helpful useful suggestions turns to unpleasantness and vitriol.

My mother had a saying it was ' if you have nothing nice to say then say nothing'. I take her term nice to mean constructive and helpful!

I am sad you have taken to verbal bullying, time I think to think a bit more about what you write and how you write it