Daughter leaving home......

barbarawright

Good for you, OP. You've taken on board some harsh comments (some of them from me ) - it's not easy to look at your family dispassionately as you are doing. Sounds like you maybe just need to step back a little and leave them to sort out their own problems, while letting it be known you are there for them if necessary.

Tropez

barbarawright wrote: »

"She has always blown things up out of proportion making a mountain out of a mole hilletc. Conviently remembering when she has helped around the house and the boys haven't and they help a lot more than she does. My eldest also has cfs and just gets on with life as best he can."

I'd put money on daughter having 'borrowed' son's stuff in the past. When I was growing up I certainly used my brothers' stuff without asking them - books, records etc I don't remember it as a big deal or being punished for it. It's how families work surely? I'm sure there are faults on both sides but there does seem to be a lot more tiptoe-ing round the daughter's feelings.

I was brought up as an only child so I didn't have any brothers or sisters to borrow anything from. The closest I had was the longer periods when cousins came to stay. That said, I was always taught it was wrong to just take and use something that wasn't mine. If I had a brother or sister I would have been told off if I had used their stuff without permission.

If the daughter has "borrowed" things without permission before then she should be disciplined for that, just as, in my opinion, the brother needs to know and accept that what he did wasn't acceptable either.

As I say, I don't believe the daughter is wholly in the right, but I don't see her as wholly in the wrong either.

Personally, it seems like there's tip-toeing going on around both of them.

bodmil

What on earth did you get a border collie for a teenager with a fatigue problem? I'd seriously suggest looking into rehoming it sooner rather than later if he's already chewing and not being walked properly. You've already created one problem, don't make another.

mandi

Now if I were you OP I would do the following .

1. check bus times for tomorrow the earlier the better .

2. Get her up at silly o clock to meet the bus .

3. Spread paint charts over her bedroom floor . Strip bed .

4. Turn off the electric. ( no shower , hair dryer, or straighteners):

5. Ask if she needs any help to finish packing ..

Open door and say byee :wave:

Fire_Fox

helenthemum wrote: »

The drink had been in the fridge for 2 weeks, I put the shopping away on Thursday and don't remember seeing it only a half drunk one which I have seen her drinking from several times over the last week. So I am not 100% convinced he did take it, I have still told him off and he is going to replace it tomorrow. The headphones were left on the dinning room table not in her bedroom which is a no go area and everyone knows that. I always knock before entering any of the children's bedrooms, they are at an age where they need their own space respected.

She has always blown things up out of proportion making a mountain out of a mole hilletc. Conviently remembering when she has helped around the house and the boys haven't and they help a lot more than she does. My eldest also has cfs and just gets on with life as best he can.

Her and her boyfriend tried to take the dog for a walk and came back within 5 mins as she can't handle him and he is only 6 mths old. He takes a few mins to settle before being very good on walks with me. She is not a very tolerant person. I gave her boyfriend the treats as she forgot them.

I have just dropped her boyfriend to the bus station and she is going to go there later tonight. I refused to drive them to his place as it is a 35 mile round trip and they both have bus passes they can use. She has claimed down a lot which is good.

I have tried to give her space, but at the same time its hard as I want to talk to her. I think there a fine line there somewhere.

The boyfriends mum thinks my daughter is wonderful, she has 4 boys and hasn't seen how much mess my daughter leaves around the house yet. Things just seem to fall off her as soon as she walks through the door.

Lostinrates no the energy drinks are not good for them as it gives them what cfs suffers call boom and bust which is not good as the bust side can last far longer than the boom.

And when does the bus pass run out? Assume you won't be buying the next one since she will be independent. Honestly sounds like the best thing would be for her to go, see how long boyfriend and mum let her get away with what you have.

Would she do clicker training with the dog? It does take patience which she would need to work on, but there is little physical effort and it can be really rewarding. You can be teaching tricks like shaking paws or going up on the hind legs, would have thought that control and bond would be useful for agility? Videos on YouTube or books in the library. If she won't IMO consider rehoming the dog whilst it's young, a collie needs a fair bit of stimulation.

If she does stay/ come back don't really understand why you can't get her to tidy up or walk her dog properly, sanctions if she does not. Don't buy her anything other than the essentials: no new clothing, no toiletries except tampons and very basic shower gel/ shampoo, no treat foods just regular meals, no bus pass to see her boyfriend unless she contributes to the smooth running of the household. Charts and rotas if needs be.

My sibling was politely invited to leave college at 17 (didn't do any work!), my mother had them doing loads of cleaning and cooking to earn their keep. They got a full time job sharpish. :rotfl: Again making of my sibling, worked their way up through the ranks to manager then moved onto pastures new, two decades on is head of customer services on a really good wage.

Errata

How can the daughter do anything with the dog, she has CFS.

GeckoGirl1985

At least your daughter has settled down. But you need to stop !!!!!footing around her - you are her mother, she should be living by your rules, not you running around after her I'm afraid.

I would let the dust settle for a while, but in a day or two have a serious discussion about her future - is she going to Uni? How is she getting on at college in order to get her A-Levels for this? Or is she going to get a job? Grab a pen and paper and draw up some sort of plan - how is she going to get the money together? What sort of career does she want? How is she going to take responsibility for achieving it?

Also I would seriously be thinking about what you're going to do about the dog. Collies need A LOT of training or before you know it you will end up with a frustrated and destructive dog who is a nightmare to live with - you said he is around 6 months old now and she can't handle him very well. Please think about what is best for him. It sounds like your daughter isn't able to take responsibility for her own life at the moment, let alone properly caring for one of the most demanding and high maintenance dog breeds available, so you may need to seriously consider rehoming him while he's still a pup if she wont step up and take sort herself out.

helenthemum

Bodmil I make sure the collie is looked after properly, I take him for walks, took him to puppy training and have now starting puppy agility. Thankfully he hasn't chewed very much as he has plenty of toys and gets lots of attention, albeit not from my daughter. I agreed to it fully accepting that I would be the one who looks after him. Any thing she does with him to be honest is a bonus, he gives me a good reason to get out of the house. Its not the first dog we have had, I still miss my Springer 2 years on.

My son was allowed back on the computer after an hour.

Barbara I think today was a walk up call I think deep down I know i need to take a step back and let sort their problems out, not going to easy after so long, but got to be done for their sakes.

I haven't mentioned my son much because apart from taking or not the drink and the headphones he has rarely given me any problems. My boys have always been easier than my daughter, mentally she does take up more of my time than they do.

helenthemum

She gets a free bus pass whilst at college. She starts A2 in June. If she can mange them hopefully for her sake she will go to uni if not she will get a job.

meritaten

Its easy to ignore the quiet kids - my middle son hasn't forgiven me yet. and he is in his mid thirties! If I could go back in time I would have made more time for him - but he always seemed ok and didn't complain - it was only when he grew up he threw up in my face that I always ignored his needs in favour of youngest son. and he was right.