Get me over this infatuation

marisco_2

needed_an_expert wrote: »

I know it is stupid and I know I am acting like a fool but he does make me feel alive, but I know that this should all stop as I will lose a man I also love and also the security of money etc. It is like an addict with an addictive drug. I know I am being selfish but I like the flattery

I would urge you to rekindle what you once had with your husband. I would hope very much that he could make you feel all those things. Isn't it worth a go to at least try to recapture that with him. However you go forward with all this, I wish you well and sincerely hope you wont be left with any regrets

Pollycat

sjc3 wrote: »

No I am not having an affair, what a cheek!

I do know of a couple of friends who are though. What people fail to see or acknowledge here are the reasons why people have affairs.

Those who are cheated on only choose to see how awful there partners are for going off with someone else. It doesn't occur to them to look within themselves and consider what drove their partners away. People they claim to have loved and treated so well. Something makes me doubt that.

If you were doing that, if you were so good to your partner, why did they feel unable to talk to you, to work things through with you? Or did they try to do this over and over again and you were to blind or to self obsessed and concerned only about yourself to even notice.

I disagree that it is people who cheat that have certain character traits. More that it is people who are cheated on that possess these. As for the black and white crusaders of relationship conduct on here, you seem to have real issues of your own!

And you accuse other posters of having a black & white attitude......:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

marisco_2

sjc3 wrote: »

No I am not having an affair, what a cheek!

I do know of a couple of friends who are though. What people fail to see or acknowledge here are the reasons why people have affairs.

Those who are cheated on only choose to see how awful there partners are for going off with someone else. It doesn't occur to them to look within themselves and consider what drove their partners away. People they claim to have loved and treated so well. Something makes me doubt that.

If you were doing that, if you were so good to your partner, why did they feel unable to talk to you, to work things through with you? Or did they try to do this over and over again and you were to blind or to self obsessed and concerned only about yourself to even notice.

I disagree that it is people who cheat that have certain character traits. More that it is people who are cheated on that possess these. As for the black and white crusaders of relationship conduct on here, you seem to have real issues of your own!

Okay so now we are getting somewhere sjc3. Thank you for sharing the background of where your upset of my views stems from.

I agree with you that many people find themselves in loveless marriages. There are lots of reasons why this may come about. Sometimes they are a bad match for each other but initial attraction blinds them to this fact. They rush in and get heavily involved with someone and it is only later on that their differences cause problems.

People confuse the initial lust they feel for someone with love. It is not possible to sustain those feelings long term. A relationship that will go the distance has a much deeper, stronger, subtle kind of love. Sometimes not enough of a buzz for people to settle for.

Then, as you rightly point out, you come across people who are very selfish and are far more interested in looking out for number one. They want everything their way and are not interested in working as a team, compromising or showing any apparent interest in their partner at all. Yes they most certainly do exist but not everyone who has been cheated on is this way. How do you explain the many people who think everything is okay within their relationships, going along as happy as larry only for their world to suddenly fall apart, when they discover an affair they didn't even suspect.

If you are in a relationship and there are problems or issues work on them. Listen to your partner, have the confidence to tell them what you are feeling, few people are mind readers. If after doing all you can to resolve things it is clear that this relationship is still on dodgy ground then look at other options. Maybe seek counselling or have some time apart and use it to re-evaluate everything. You will have possibly spent years investing in a partnership, are you really going to throw in the towel without giving it alot of thought and giving it your all. It is a pain like no other to leave a relationship, especially a marriage, even when there have been ups and downs. By handling things this way if you come to the conclusion that it is over you can walk away with your head held high and with less regrets.

To have an affair takes all that opportunity away from you and rarely leaves you happy. If seeing things this way means I have a black and white attitude so be it, I can live with that. Could I politely request that if you wish to debate this further you do not insult people who have been through horrible experiences, that you have no personal knowledge of. This is an unecessary way to behave on a public forum.

Pollycat

needed_an_expert wrote: »

The reason I have shared this on a public forum is that I know deep down what I am doing is wrong.I have deleted the number but obviously it has restarted. Up to this infatuation I was and am still happily married. It feels like I want a slice of cake to eat but also want the remainder of the cake iyswim. I know that this man probably does not want me. His new relationship is born out of an affair and I think that they are both desperate for it to succeed as they need it to succeed. It started as fun over the last summer, he put an halt to it shortly after but it recommenced over the New Year and on and off since. There has been no physical contact since last summer. I know it is stupid and I know I am acting like a fool but he does make me feel alive, but I know that this should all stop as I will lose a man I also love and also the security of money etc. It is like an addict with an addictive drug. I know I am being selfish but I like the flattery

You've not said anything here that you didn't say in your first post - apart from his 'relationship' with another woman, which is very illuminating as far as his behaviour goes.

You say you posted here because you know it's wrong.
What on earth do you expect posters to say to you?
How many 'you are doing wrong''s will make you decide to end it?

Why did you let it restart after deleting his number?

needed_an_expert wrote: »

His new relationship is born out of an affair and I think that they are both desperate for it to succeed as they need it to succeed. It started as fun over the last summer, he put an halt to it shortly after but it recommenced over the New Year and on and off since. There has been no physical contact since last summer. I know it is stupid and I know I am acting like a fool but he does make me feel alive, but I know that this should all stop as I will lose a man I also love and also the security of money etc. It is like an addict with an addictive drug. I know I am being selfish but I like the flattery

He can't be that desperate for his new relationship to succeed if he's having a text affair with you, can he?
What a catch he sounds!

So - he's having a text affair with you.
Is he also having a full-blown affair with someone else?
Or has that woman now left her husband for this man?
If she has, and they are together, why don't you do the decent thing (for them) and leave them to see if their relationship can work?
And that's not even going into 'the decent thing' as far as your own husband is concerned.

needed_an_expert wrote: »

Up to this infatuation I was and am still happily married. It feels like I want a slice of cake to eat but also want the remainder of the cake iyswim.

I certainly do know what you mean. It's called selfishness.

needed_an_expert wrote: »

I know it is stupid and I know I am acting like a fool but he does make me feel alive, but I know that this should all stop as I will lose a man I also love and also the security of money etc. It is like an addict with an addictive drug. I know I am being selfish but I like the flattery

Is the flattery you're enjoying worth risking losing the man you love - and of course, the security of money?

Finally, there have been posts about it's not always the person having the affair who is to blame.

FBaby wrote: »

As said before, there is not one description of a 'cheater'. There are the serial ones, they are the spoilt one in constant need of attention, there are the ones who don't even think it is wrong. But as abailey stated, there are also cases where the cheater wished they never got there in the first place, who would have much much preferred to have had the satisfactory relationship with their partner they once had and go look elsewhere in desperation. Still doesn't make it right, but a very different profile to the first ones.

Pollycat wrote: »

Wonder if the OP will 'fess up to which type of cheater she is - and whether her husband is neglecting her - physically, mentally and/or emotionally?

So - is your husband to blame for you feeling how you do?

ciderwithrosie_2

Can you not get your husband interested in exchanging raunchy texts? Send him some pics? Bring back a bit of spice and unpredictability to your relationship. Cos if you had that sort of excitement with your husband you probably wouldn't have even looked at this other guy. It's all too easy to fall into complacency within a relationship, when you know the other person so well, even if you still love each other to bits.

FBaby

OP, would you feel as attracted to him if you knew that he had no feelings for you at all, just like the fact that he can just do the smallest thing and you show him how attracted to him you are? That it is an ego trip for him? That it is the power he has over you that makes it fun? That if you declare your interest, he would just use you and then dump you without a care, maybe even pretend that you are not right in the head etc...

I'm not saying that is the situation, but it very well could be. Surely picturing the whole thing that way would make him much less attractive? Imagine the worse of him in your head and maybe this will help to forget him.

FBaby

It's not marisco's posts that are patronising and condescending but yours! You talk about things not being black or white (which I agree with) but then state:

sjc3 wrote: »

I disagree that it is people who cheat that have certain character traits. More that it is people who are cheated on that possess these.

Isn't that as black or white as it gets?

Affairs are painful, people get hurt. People get hurt when they are told that the person they love more than anything don't love them anymore, even if there is no one else involves. Some people have affairs because it's easy, for some, it is the hardest thing to do.

In OP's case, it's a lack of self-control and willpower, maybe a bit of being spoilt with life that doesn't make her realise how lucky she his to be in a happy marriage and taking it for granted. Not a case of being unhappy in her marriage, or not being totally carefree about it, or she wouldn't have come here posting about trying to get over the guy.

lippy1923

sjc3 wrote: »

No I am not having an affair, what a cheek!

I do know of a couple of friends who are though. What people fail to see or acknowledge here are the reasons why people have affairs.

Those who are cheated on only choose to see how awful there partners are for going off with someone else. It doesn't occur to them to look within themselves and consider what drove their partners away. People they claim to have loved and treated so well. Something makes me doubt that.

If you were doing that, if you were so good to your partner, why did they feel unable to talk to you, to work things through with you? Or did they try to do this over and over again and you were to blind or to self obsessed and concerned only about yourself to even notice.

I disagree that it is people who cheat that have certain character traits. More that it is people who are cheated on that possess these. As for the black and white crusaders of relationship conduct on here, you seem to have real issues of your own!

Because they are cowards. They are too afraid and selfish to give up what they have and want to live two separate lives, not giving a damn about the other person.

Fair enough, I agree sometimes people do drive their partners into the arms of another. But to then go behind their partners back and not have the guts to tell them and move out is nothing but cowardly. If you cheat it is because you are unhappy. Deal with it. Move the F out. Cheating is a choice. The only victim is the poor sod who doesn't know about it.

ruby-roo_2

needed_an_expert wrote: »

I know I am being selfish but I like the flattery

OP the way this guy is treating you is not flattering. He contacts you when it suits him, messes with your head then cuts contact. That is him using you, not flattering you. He is treating you like a commodity, something to have fun with, then throw aside when he has had what he wants. He is after a cheap thrill and a bit of a laugh. Do you really want to give up on a happy and loving marriage for that?

I hope you are okay and that the vast majority of the replies on this thread have been helpful to you.

abailey54

sjc3 wrote: »

No I am not having an affair, what a cheek!

If you were doing that, if you were so good to your partner, why did they feel unable to talk to you, to work things through with you? Or did they try to do this over and over again and you were to blind or to self obsessed and concerned only about yourself to even notice.

I disagree that it is people who cheat that have certain character traits. More that it is people who are cheated on that possess these. As for the black and white crusaders of relationship conduct on here, you seem to have real issues of your own!

Nowt wrong with a bit of cheekiness here and there

Yes, I absolutely do have issues, though technically they have nothing to do with this thread, which isn't about me. It is possible that my view is influenced by those issues, I don't mind that assertion at all.

fwiw, not all my relationships have been successful, otherwise I'd still be in them, but I have learned from them and am grateful for those experiences to have highlighted what is most important to me.

I think what has come of this discussion is that not all cases are the same. I am aware of examples of where the person who wouldn't talk was the one who had the affair and also of where the person who wouldn't talk was the one who was cheated on. This just highlights how important communication is.

Personally speaking, if someone dismissed my feelings and concerns and refused to discuss things with me, I would think that the person didn't love me - in which case I'd want out.

But we're all different and if having some casual sex with someone fills that gap then fair enough - but one of the things that I really struggle to understand, is that shouldn't the other person be made aware of the new 'arrangement' before it happens, either to have a chance at fulfilling their partners needs, or to have an affair themselves (otherwise it's one rule for one and a different rule for another) - and if they choose this then isn't it just an open relationship?