Get me over this infatuation

geoffky

Ok here goes....Money..
Or lack of it if your husband tells you to sling your hook..
Hows that for a wake up call?

Bangton

needed_an_expert wrote: »

Thank you to all who have provided replies. I am not a troll and yes this may be a second post since 2004 but when many many moons ago I first registered with MSE I forgot my user name and registered. I have posted many a time under my usual name but naturally I did not want to under these circumstances. Trouble is that I do not know what I want, I am not a horrible person and feel terrible being keen on another man apart from my husband. I am getting mixed messages from this other guy, he blanks me for months and then starts again. I feel very guilty but it is like a drug

It's human nature to find others attractive and I can't blame you for that but this guy is playing you like a puppet. If he was seriously interested he wouldn't blank you for months and then start things up again. I don't for one minute think your an awful person but please see it for what it is. ... fun on his side but for you this could have extremely serious repercussions. Your husband doesn't deserve it and frankly nor do you. Please just bin this guy

Pollycat

sjc3 wrote: »

marisco goes on and on about suffering abuse, suffering from an apparent affair. She looks down her nose at people who make mistakes and tries to come across hollier than thou. She and a number of others on this site have a very black and white view on people who basically just make mistakes in life. If only things were as simple and as straightforward as they are in her world wouldn't it all be great.

sjc3
sorry, but it is you who are stupid (I don't know what sex you are and don't care) and you know less than nothing.
I don't think that Marisco looks down on people and tries to come across holier than thou.
Marisco makes valid points - on topic - in her posts.
All you have done is launch an attack with no reasoning behind it.

Things could be simple and straightforward in the OP's world if she chose - yes, it is her choice - to give all her attention to her husband instead of this (in her own words) infatuation and then yes, her life might be great too.

I do appreciate that people make mistakes, I said as much in my post #17.

What the OP describes is not a mistake.
She might have made a mistake to start with but continuing with this is no longer a mistake.
As vestanpance says, it was a calculated decision to start this and a calculated decision to continue with it.

As for the OP:

needed_an_expert wrote: »

Thank you to all who have provided replies. I am not a troll and yes this may be a second post since 2004 but when many many moons ago I first registered with MSE I forgot my user name and registered. I have posted many a time under my usual name but naturally I did not want to under these circumstances. Trouble is that I do not know what I want, I am not a horrible person and feel terrible being keen on another man apart from my husband. I am getting mixed messages from this other guy, he blanks me for months and then starts again. I feel very guilty but it is like a drug

I hope that you do decide what it is you want soon.
a few of scenarios:

1. You decide you want your husband but he finds out about this affair. He chucks you out.

2. You decide you want your husband, he is oblivious to your lies and deceit but you are wracked with guilt and your marriage ends.

3. You decide you want this other man. He decides he doesn't want you because he was only stringing you along. Your husband decides he doesn't want a cheating wife either. (I like this one)

4 You and this chap go off together, leaving your husband ecstatic 'cos he's had enough of you. (I like this one too)

5 You and this chap go off together, leaving your husband devastated. You may or may not stay together (I know what I think).

I'm sure there are quite a few more but do you see any that you would be happy with in your long-term future?

I don't know what you are hoping to get out of posting this on this forum.
You know there is no answer that anyone can give you.
Nobody on here can give you 'help' in getting over this infatuation.

People can - and do - give up drugs - it's your choice.

waccoe_2

"3. You decide you want this other man. He decides he doesn't want you because he was only stringing you along. Your husband decides he doesn't want a cheating wife either. (I like this one)"

This option gets my vote.

FBaby

I do agree that there is often much more behind an affair than what it seems. In the two cases of affairs close at heart that I know about (not me, never cheated in my life!), I can see how the person was led to do it. It is never right, but sometimes, the behaviour of the other person is also not right. However, the affair is tangible and can be blamed easily, the behaviour of the other person isn't, so it comes across as all one sided.

There are all sort of reasons that leads someone to have an affair, some are pure selfishness, some are the result of deep-seeded pain and frustration. I wouldn't judge someone having an affair without knowing all the details behind (which you never really do).

In regards to OP, what concerns me is that you might be trying to find ways to avoid the guilt of what you want to do by trying to justify it. Coming here to post about what to do is one of those actions. Maybe you are hoping someone will say that it is impossible to resist and you can use this to believe that it is not your fault and excuse your behaviour.

The reality is that you are in full control of your choices. Yes, your heart might be messing up with you and temptation might be overpowering, but you and only you are still in control of what you decide to do. At least have enough respect for yourself to acknowledge this. If you decide to take it forward, accept that you are doing so for utterly selfish reasons, end of. Face it or turn away.

As for whether it is worth it or not? Well that first step is such a tiny step to reaching complete happiness with this man. There would be many challenges lying ahead of you to go through before getting to contentment, many steps that could result in this relationship crashing to the ground and obviously losing your husband in the middle of it.

Think hard!

marisco_2

sjc3 wrote: »

marisco goes on and on about suffering abuse, suffering from an apparent affair. She looks down her nose at people who make mistakes and tries to come across hollier than thou. She and a number of others on this site have a very black and white view on people who basically just make mistakes in life. If only things were as simple and as straightforward as they are in her world wouldn't it all be great.

I wanted to think things through before responding to you. Firstly I am very sorry if my views and opinions have caused anyone on here upset or offense. That was not my intention at all.

I stand by my points of view for the following reasons though. As far as I am concerned the key to a good relationship is honest communication. All relationships go through ups and downs, it would be odd if they didn't. No matter how compatable a couple is they will have differences. This is totally normal and a couple in a strong relationship will acknowledge, accept and compromise round these. It is all about respect.

It is how couples handle the tough times that makes or breaks them. Fundamentally if you love, value and respect your partner you would want to try to resolve issues with them. Give each other a chance to put things right and move forward all the stronger for it.

Jumping into bed with someone new resolves nothing and just adds an often unpassable hurdle into the mess. Once one partner crosses that line there is rarely any way back. The person who has been cheated on will just have had all the energy, time and years they have invested in the relationship thrown back in their face. Experiencing that can have horrible repercussions for months or even years to come.

Surely something best avoided at all costs

abailey54

sjc3 wrote: »

marisco goes on and on about suffering abuse, suffering from an apparent affair. She looks down her nose at people who make mistakes and tries to come across hollier than thou. She and a number of others on this site have a very black and white view on people who basically just make mistakes in life. If only things were as simple and as straightforward as they are in her world wouldn't it all be great.

I very much disagree with this. Yes we all make mistakes, but you can't put something down as a mistake until you stop doing it, you are sorry that you did it and don't want to do it again. I think there is definitely a black and white element to extra-marrital affairs i.e. don't have them.

The OP is talking about making a calculated decision to have an affair. There's absolutely no need for deceit of this kind - if there's a problem within a relationship, deal with it as it is. Going to someone else for intimacy of a sexual nature instead of going to the closest person in your life and saying 'there's something I need from you that I'm not getting and let's talk about it' is pretty cowardly.

I think it's important to have honest and open communication with your oh, such that if you're in need of something, they are the first to know; not some bloke you like the look of.

Just because you fancy someone, doesn't mean you have to act on it. All this man is offering you, at best, is a quick fumble. Weigh that up against the guilt you're going to feel, and the hurt it would cause your other half, who presumably you care about and I'm sure you'll start to realise that it isn't worth it.

I would delete this person's number off your phone, avoid unnecessary contact, and when in his company wax lyrical about your dh. If you're happily married then make it clear that you are. Let this other man move on to another woman, if he isn't already involved with several!

FBaby

marisco wrote: »

I wanted to think things through before responding to you. Firstly I am very sorry if my views and opinions have caused anyone on here upset or offense. That was not my intention at all.

I stand by my points of view for the following reasons though. As far as I am concerned the key to a good relationship is honest communication. All relationships go through ups and downs, it would be odd if they didn't. No matter how compatable a couple is they will have differences. This is totally normal and a couple in a strong relationship will acknowledge, accept and compromise round these. It is all about respect.

It is how couples handle the tough times that makes or breaks them. Fundamentally if you love, value and respect your partner you would want to try to resolve issues with them. Give each other a chance to put things right and move forward all the stronger for it.

Jumping into bed with someone new resolves nothing and just adds an often unpassable hurdle into the mess. Once one partner crosses that line there is rarely any way back. The person who has been cheated on will just have had all the energy, time and years they have invested in the relationship thrown back in their face. Experiencing that can have horrible repercussions for months or even years to come.

Surely something best avoided at all costs

I totally agree with you except that it is often the one who is cheated on who is unwilling/unable to try to resolve the issues and it is the cheer frustration of it that leads one to an affair, to be with someone who does listen. My experience of hearing about people who have cheated has been this.

My best friend had an affair and it left her devastated. She adored her husband, but there were issues in the relationship with him being away a lot, prioritising his work and friends before his family. She tried desperately to get him to accept that she wasn't happy however hard she tried. His response was always that she should be grateful for what she had, and absolutely refused to acknowledge her feelings. It went on for months, she constantly crying, but still too much in love with him to move out. She grew resentful and with a unacknowledge need to hurt him by ignoring his feelings as he was doing to her. She met someone, someone who listened to her and sympathise, and inevitably, he made her feel good. Thankfully, she realised that she was doing wrong, stopped the affair and confessed to her husband. That finally got him to listen as he finally realised that he was risking losing her and he did love her very much. They finally worked on their relationship with the help of counselling and 10 years later, they are truly happy.

Pollycat

FBaby wrote: »

I totally agree with you except that it is often the one who is cheated on who is unwilling/unable to try to resolve the issues and it is the cheer frustration of it that leads one to an affair, to be with someone who does listen. My experience of hearing about people who have cheated has been this.

And then there are those people who say they are 'happily married' - as the OP has said she is - but just want to inject a bit of spice into their lives or want a cheap, transient thrill.

I wonder if the OP's husband is neglecting her - physically, mentally and/or emotionally?

My experience of cheating is that the party doing the cheating wanted to cheat, wanted sex with someone else.

abailey54

That's a fair point Fbaby, I think my post was fairly presumptuous in that respect. I think I'd struggle in a relationship where the other person didn't take my concerns/needs seriously