I resent my sister and feel so guilty

bitemebankers

The other thing I'd recommend is this book:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/They-You-Up-Survive-Family/dp/0747584788

Primrose

Please don't pack your feelings away for the next 20 years. You should be explaining to your parents how you feel and trying to persuade them to give you some exclusive time. If your sister has been slow in learning they may have not necessarily realised that you have felt deprived about not having exclusive time with them over the period you were growing up. The arrival of your baby is an opportunity for them all, hopefully to play a part with your and your new family life, but try and keep them all a little compartmentalised and hands off until you have worked out in your mind how you want the relationships to work out.

Shopaholic101

I'm not sure how to reply, there are lots of really nice posts, some I don't like but I see the point being made and I've booked a doctors appointment.

I'm not sure I've been clear enough, she has no specific "special needs", she has been assessed recently for aspergers dyslexia, autism etc. she just has issues learning and socially. However, she has, friends, goes out and has a boyfriend. She's not severely disabled in anyway. Or as someone else said - maybe i don't see the full extent of her issues?

I though Jojos post was interesting, especially this bit:

The answer could well have been 'B has ....... This will not change. You can't punish her out of it. Give her food that she will eat. A is being fussy. She can change her behaviour, she's trying it on because she sees B getting things.'

I did see her get things, food she liked, drinks she liked, rewards for doing well, extra presents for her birthday, extra time with parents... Now I see her get posh clothes, free rent/board and amazing 5* holidays. NOne of this was available to me. So yes I hate sausages and rather than force them down every other day, I gave up eating them.

victory

Shopaholic101 wrote: »

I'm not sure how to reply, there are lots of really nice posts, some I don't like but I see the point being made and I've booked a doctors appointment.

I'm not sure I've been clear enough, she has no specific "special needs", she has been assessed recently for aspergers dyslexia, autism etc. she just has issues learning and socially. However, she has, friends, goes out and has a boyfriend. She's not severely disabled in anyway. Or as someone else said - maybe i don't see the full extent of her issues?

I though Jojos post was interesting, especially this bit:

The answer could well have been 'B has ....... This will not change. You can't punish her out of it. Give her food that she will eat. A is being fussy. She can change her behaviour, she's trying it on because she sees B getting things.'

I did see her get things, food she liked, drinks she liked, rewards for doing well, extra presents for her birthday, extra time with parents... Now I see her get posh clothes, free rent/board and amazing 5* holidays. NOne of this was available to me. So yes I hate sausages and rather than force them down every other day, I gave up eating them.

Has she ever been diagnosed with anything?

Does she ask for those things? Or are they just given?

Do you ask for those things? Do you get refused?

Shopaholic101

Nope, she has had hours and hours and days of tests, from 3 upwards and recently. Nothing ever diagnosed.

She never asks but has grown to expect them, e.g she asked whether the next holiday could be Florida instead of Antigua. I once asked if I could come and my mum asked if I could afford it, which I obviously can't.

Yes I've asked, I asked so many times not to have the sausages and just eat the rest, I asked a million times for orange squash and I've asked more recently if I could move back in (2 years ago when I was being made redundant). I asked last week if I could store some stuff in their empty loft and was told no... So I guess as an adult I've given up asking.

marmitepotato

My sister died last year after a long and protracted battle with breast cancer. She always was the favoured child. I wish she was back with us, with her being the favoured child.

OP you are lucky to have a sister.

jayII

Shopaholic101, I really feel for you, it sounds like a rotten situation for a child to be in.

I suspect that part of you is grieving for the pain and injustice you felt as a child and that dealing with this will allow you to move on and stop blaming your sister for that pain. For of course (as you will know deep inside) she is not to blame, she was also just a child and unable to change how you were brought up.

Your parents caused the unhappiness and injustice you felt and they are the ones you should be angry at. But, it is hard to blame our parents because we need them so much, especially as a child, so you are possibly projecting the blame onto your sister.

They may have only been trying their best and may have felt guilty about your sister's disabilities, but they sound incredibly insensitive and unaware towards you!

I wonder if some brief 1:1 times with your sister (go for a coffee somewhere?), without your parents, would help. Seeing her as a person in her own right, rather than your parents' favoured child, might help you to seperate your feelings out.

I didn't think you were particularly spiteful about your sister in your OP. Not particularly nice at times, but not nasty. Still, everyone is entitled to their opinion.

Go for the counselling if you can and try to put your childhood feelings to rest. You owe it to yourself.

securityguy

marmitepotato wrote: »

My sister died last year after a long and protracted battle with breast cancer. She always was the favoured child. I wish she was back with us, with her being the favoured child.

Many people have relatives who have died. Many people have relatives they don't like. The former does not make the latter any less true, nor any less acceptable to discuss.

suki1001

Learning difficulties aside, I know plenty of parents where the younger child (even when they're adults) get mollycoddled by the parents.

I was the oldest and pretty much left to get on with it. Even though my sister has two children, is married and has her own house my mum still worried when she moved house whether there would be a spare room for my younger sister. Not me, or our middle sister (who lives miles away), it was the younger sister. She for some reason feels more sorry for her, does far more for her and her standard phrase is "poor XXX".

She babied her and it's been a real struggle for my sister to become independent. To the point where she'd get a job and have a bit of a cold on the first day and call in sick - my mum would just give her bags of sympathy, when most people not wanting to let a new employer down would just suck it up.

I'm not envious, because it's done her no favours, but I know so many siblings in this pattern who resent a younger "child" because their parents make excuses for them and don't give them the independence they should.

In the situation the op describes, this has got to be 10 fold, because of there are other factors at in the situation and whether you are disgusted by the op's reaction, there is the very possiblity that the op had an extreme amount of pressure placed on her growing up, being the responsible one and I can imagine if you have that weight on your shoulders - especially if you've got on-one to talk to and you're expected to bottle it up for years, that the resentment will grow.

I have no doubt in my mind that even if the op's sister didn't have any difficulties that there would be a degree of situation happening.

Finally I remember feeling the same when my dad left my mum. I had to pick up the pieces, look after someone who was destroyed and the pressure was so immense, I lost the ability to feel sympathy because I couldn't cope. I could have been called cruel, because i would have probably posted something similar, but the fact was the stress was immense and I resented my mum, I felt really bad, but I couldn't help it.

FBaby

I'm surprised at the harsh comments back. After all, it is pretty clear in your post, you resent your sister AND FEEL GUILTY because you do. That's not about venting your hated for your sister, more asking for help how to deal with the guilt.

It is very simple really, you won't stop resenting her, and therefore stop feeling guilty until you will accept that you and your sister have nothing in common and therefore there is nothing to envy of hers and therefore to resent her for what she has that you don't have. You can't control your parents and how they treat her compared to you. Rightly or wrongly, what you get from them is what you get, you have to make the best of it.

You don't see how her disability might be affected her, and don't see to consider that your sister might envy for the fact that you can get on with your life without being so reliant on your parents. In the end, we usually wish what we don't have and others have, that's nature.

You need to stop comparing yourself to your sister and instead focus on what you do have. Once you've moved on, realise that you have no reason to wish for what she gets instead of what you have, you will start being able to appreciate some things about her.