I resent my sister and feel so guilty

Raksha

Op, I was raised with a younger sister who had worked out that misbehaving got our parents attention, while i struggled to get acknowledgement of my A grades. Then i was bullied into having her as my bridesmaid when i really didnt want to, but she got married without me being her bridesmaid. Later, when we both had babies within 2 months of each other, our parents would drive 20 miles, passing within half a mile of my front door to visit her, while I struggled to cope with no phone, in a small dormer village, with post natal depression and a colicky baby.

What they didn't realise was that I aas suffering, and still sufferfrom Borderline personality disorder, which stems from struggling for so long wwith having my feelings belittled.

As others have said, your hormones may also be playing a part in how you feel at the moment. Please try speaking to your parents, explain how you feel when they do x (not them doing x makes you feel) and remember you are in control of your own feelings.

After my father died, I cut off all relationships with my sister and for over 10 years I found peace, as she was one of the major triggers of my condition. At her request we are now facebook friends, but I can't face her in person.

thorsoak

Oh dear, Shopaholic, although I can never say that I've ever hated any of my sisters (all younger) I can remember as a child resenting one or two of them because they had health problems which meant that my mother had to give one other of them more attention than I received. I think it is sad that you now express your feelings as hate - but I think I can understand where you are coming from, especially as wouldn't seem possible for you to discuss your childhood(s) with your sister - I did with mine, only to find out that to a certain extent, they resented me because I was the "brainy one" - and why couldn't they be like me, etc etc etc!

Perhaps your feelings might be weighed down by a fear that your baby might be affected in the same way as your sister? Talk to your ante-natal doctors and nurses to allay any such fears.

aliasojo

OP I think you've subconsciously focussed your feelings on the wrong target over the years.

I can completely understand why you feel as you do.

However, a child doesn't have the ability to rationalise as an adult does, so it grows up resenting the most obvious aspect (i.e. your sister), instead of being able to see the bigger picture and being able to understand where the real problem lay (i.e. with your parents).

Your sister had/has little control over how she is, she just 'is'.

Your parents had more than one child and should have been able to ensure both of you had your needs met, and that includes your emotional needs. It seems to me that perhaps they failed at this and you grew up feeling as you do.

As a parent to both 'normal' and 'special needs' kids, I can tell you it is sometimes very hard trying to keep a happy balance. Unfair as it may seem, sometimes the 'we're only human' aspect comes into play and we do get things wrong or perhaps we don't fully appreciate what our actions are doing to those we love.

I think the fact you have spent years defending your sister proves you do care but I think those caring feelings are being overshadowed by everything that has come to a head right now simply because you are pregnant.

It might be worth (for your sake only) to consider talking all this out with a counsellor? You might think there's no need but you'd be surprised at just how much emotional baggage we subconsciously transfer to others. The last thing you want is for your new baby to be in the middle of any issues or feelings you keep trying to swallow down.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

LannieDuck wrote: »

Things like that are really important when you're young. I very clearly remember my parents making a big deal about how much extra homework my sister had compared to me, and various comments implying I had an easy time at school, when actually I'd worked really hard to achieve my grades.

I have a great relationship with my parents and my sister, so I'm not at all scarred as a result... but I still remember how unjust it felt at the time.

But not when you're thirty odd years old. And doesn't lead to you declaring it to be proof that you're right to hate your sister.

But, on the other hand, there are children who, no matter how hard they try, will never achieve the same standards. Often they are punished at school, teased or told off at home for this. My eldest complains that she had to work much, much harder than her sister has to at school. She got far more help with her homework than the youngest ever did. I recently sat down with her in the pub and talked about techniques for university work. I would be surprised if her sister needs or wants the same level of input when she's 20. I respect my eldest for keeping on trying when she could have given up and taken the same sorts of jobs as her friends. But her sister, whatever way you look at it, will never struggle as much as she has with the simpler stuff, never had 'I'm stupid' going through her head, never had a moment of utter blankness and panic like the eldest has regularly.

I never had that fear or doubt as a kid; everything was easy. But I still understood that other people didn't find it easy and didn't object to the huge amounts of effort they put in, in addition to mine, in just finding a way to understand the simpler concepts, to be able to put the right words together, to keep at it when everything was saying 'give up you're too thick to do this', was far more than I ever did.

LannieDuck

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

But not when you're thirty odd years old. And doesn't lead to you declaring it to be proof that you're right to hate your sister.

But, on the other hand, there are children who, no matter how hard they try, will never achieve the same standards. Often they are punished at school, teased or told off at home for this. My eldest complains that she had to work much, much harder than her sister has to at school. She got far more help with her homework than the youngest ever did. I recently sat down with her in the pub and talked about techniques for university work. I would be surprised if her sister needs or wants the same level of input when she's 20. I respect my eldest for keeping on trying when she could have given up and taken the same sorts of jobs as her friends. But her sister, whatever way you look at it, will never struggle as much as she has with the simpler stuff, never had 'I'm stupid' going through her head, never had a moment of utter blankness and panic like the eldest has regularly.

I never had that fear or doubt as a kid; everything was easy. But I still understood that other people didn't find it easy and didn't object to the huge amounts of effort they put in, in addition to mine, in just finding a way to understand the simpler concepts, to be able to put the right words together, to keep at it when everything was saying 'give up you're too thick to do this', was far more than I ever did.

I agree that it must have been very difficult for the parents to have one child who needs more support. Unfortunately, it sounds as if they didn't managed to give the additional support needed in an appropriate way, and instead made the OP resent the 'special treatment' her sister received.

Was it really necessary for OP's sister to get her favourite brand of squash just because she has learning difficulties? Probably not. Does it matter now? Probably not, and only in as much as the OP still remembers it and resents it.

Hopefully OP can manage to put the past in the past and work out a way to move forward in a positive manner. A first baby should be a time of joy, not of stress and resentment.

CH27

Resentment can build very slowly with even the most insignifcant things adding to it.

OP I do feel sorry for you & I think that your parents are to blame for most of what has happened.
However parenting is hard & there is no manual. I'm sure they did what they thought was right at the time.

What you need to do is accept you cannot change the past & move on with your OH & baby to be a happy unit.
Don't let the past spoil the future.

suki1001

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

But not when you're thirty odd years old. And doesn't lead to you declaring it to be proof that you're right to hate your sister.

But it didn't end in childhood, it's carried on and it's probably exacerbated by hormones at the moment.

But, on the other hand, there are children who, no matter how hard they try, will never achieve the same standards. Often they are punished at school, teased or told off at home for this. My eldest complains that she had to work much, much harder than her sister has to at school. She got far more help with her homework than the youngest ever did. I recently sat down with her in the pub and talked about techniques for university work. I would be surprised if her sister needs or wants the same level of input when she's 20. I respect my eldest for keeping on trying when she could have given up and taken the same sorts of jobs as her friends. But her sister, whatever way you look at it, will never struggle as much as she has with the simpler stuff, never had 'I'm stupid' going through her head, never had a moment of utter blankness and panic like the eldest has regularly.

You don't know whether the op has been called stupid or not. There is the other side to the coin, that the kids who get on, don't need extra help get completely ignored at school, or by their parents. They are the ones who have to take the back seat, who might go above and beyond to help, like the op sticking up for her sister at school and never get any acknowledgement that she was being a good big sister - I mean that grates.

You'll know the most important thing for a child with special needs is to help them achieve to the best of their ability, giving them as much independence as possible - that might mean giving a lot more of your time, but that is not favouritism. Only buying ribena and sausages for one child, even though they might be happy with another choice, is just downright giving into their wants and helps on-one. It doesn't help the child with learning difficulties.

BlondeHeadOn

The bit that really sticks out for me from the OP's posts is that her sister is 'scary with a baby'.

I am not sure what this means, but I can well imagine that all kinds of protective instincts are kicking in right now, and it may be a big problem for her when the new-born baby arrives. Some ground rules will probably have to be set pretty early on.

And I think it's okay to resent your sister, and very brave of you to be so honest on here.

GobbledyGook

Dunroamin wrote: »

It's really rather sad that you still remember and resent such small things and actually rather scary that you're going to have a child of your own.

Being made to eat something you dislike every other day isn't 'small'. It's being made to feel, every other day, that you are less important than the other person.

I have distinct memories of Wednesdays and Fridays from my early childhood. Wednesday was the day before payday and only my father ate dinner that day. I remember the feeling of being nothing, not worthy of anything more than the actual hunger. Fridays were fish, which I can't stand. The feeling of unimportance when you are given something the people who are supposed to love and care for you the most in the world know you cannot eat is incredibly strong.

As a child we're told constantly that our parents are the ones who love, care and protect us the most. It's a bewildering and scary place when you know you are not your patents no1, not even equal no1 (different in our case as it was drink/drugs/my father that was more important).

Who is ever going to see you as important if your own parents don't love you enough to do so? That is the overwhelming feeling I remember and I doubt it'll ever go away.

OP - you can't change them. You can only change your reaction and the way you allow them to impact your child. Use your memories and set your path for your child. This is your chance to build your own family unit. How and when they are part of that is down to you. Good luck x

Mojisola

BlondeHeadOn wrote: »

And I think it's okay to resent your sister, and very brave of you to be so honest on here.

I think so too.

Shopaholic101 - now you have acknowledged how you feel about your parents and your sister, don't let guilt about those feelings make you hide them again.

Now they're out there, take some action to sort them out. You can change how you feel about things, you can change how you react to your family and you can certainly take control over the future.