I resent my sister and feel so guilty

Shopaholic101

londonsurrey wrote: »

I'm sorry you're upset. Would it help that I took it for granted that you have been and continue to be a very faithful sister. So much so that even now, for you to simply feel anything less than complete understanding and giving to her is very upsetting to you.

I was actually trying to say that you have every right to want a bit of space for yourself, and to be gentle with yourself when you feel angry when you find yourself again in that position of "we all have to be nice to her, and nothing is ever just about me".

Ooops sorry! I was liking your comments but before I commented on them I wanted to address someone else's point

jayII

You say she is scary with babies?

Do you think part of your frustration and anxiety is caused by the expectation (hers and your parents') that she will be allowed to babysit your little one when he/she arrives?

Own_My_Own

Shopaholic101 wrote: »

Uh huh... There are years of "unfairness" which could have easily been sorted but werent. E.g we always had black current squash because she liked it, I hate the stuff, but we were only allowed one flavour, so it was hers. Her favourite food is sausages, so we had them every other day, mine is corned beef but we rarely had that, whilst I went hungry as I didn't eat the sausages. Both are so easy to fix, I don't understand why she was never made to eat and drink things she "didn't mind" but I had to live things Id rather starve than eat.

As for help with school work, sharing friends, toys, a car... Well that's a whole new can of worms!

Knowone is going to in-do 27 years of feeling second fiddle, but I want some recognition and I'm not going to get it like you say, they don't think I need it, in some ways it's too late.

Although I see my Dad every week. My family live in my house.

You have a lovely partner and a baby on the way. It will never replace the life you didn't have, but this is your family. A family you will love and cherish.
You will have to put your foot down slightly now with your parents. You can't let them do to your child what they did to you. If you do not want your baby picked up, and she wants to do it tell her no. If your parents try to intervene, tell them this is your child and if they can't comply with your wishes you will leave. The thought of not seeing their only grandchild because of your sisters actions may be enough for them to take action. If not then you will know for sure, they will never change.

duchy

My brother was always "favoured" not just in my head but a combination of factors-he was born with some physical difficulties and my parents were told he would likely never walk or perhaps even be able to sit up unattended -they were wrong he's a 6'2" golf player with a good career wife child etc- my Mum also had issues that she was the misfit in a family of seven *her* mother gave her a hard time ......and without really realizing it-she did the same to me (something I didn't know til I was in my forties and I confronted her over her treatment of me -it brought us much closer) . I grew up feeling I was always second best -but even though I didn't understand why and thought it "was me" I learned to build my own life and felt sad rather than bitter. Having a child with learning difficulties myself -I can see perhaps both sides now though.

To have completed a college course eight years late was probably a HUGE achievement for the OP's sister -social difficulties make education so much more difficult -it's a good indicator of how much support your sister still needs.

You are regarded as your parents as the one who can manage -who has flown the nest, have a partner,is building a future-all the things parents hope their children will achieve -and your sister has none of that -is percieved by your parents as always needing them every single day . They don't have the option to have time together as a couple now their kids are grown -they will always have that responsibility towards your sister ..........You have it all -you have a future --and your parents have a diminished life as does your sister-and you are bitter and jealous and resentful and feel side lined.

Is this really the kind of person you want to be ? Perhaps when you have your own baby and you realize how strong the urge to protect your child is you will realize better just how lucky you are -and how sad it is that neither your parents or your sister have a chance at the life you do. Compassion and seeing the other view might make you happier.

As a matter of interest-How does your partner see the situation ?

Person_one

I think your sister's learning disabilities are more profound than you realise. From your descriptions of schooldays and so on the picture you paint is of a child who would have been very challenging to bring up. Her difficulties probably don't seem as severe to you because you've grown up with her and are completely accustomed to them.

Its really really hard raising a child with learning disabilities, there's no manual or handbook and when you were children there wasn't even as much support for parents as there is now. Handling sibling relationships and making sure other children get a fair deal is one of the hardest parts.

Please cut your parents and sister some slack. Your sister is probably blissfully unaware of how you feel about her and would be heartbroken to know. Try to focus on how much she will love your child, I had an older relative with a learning disability growing up and I didn't even realise until I was about 10 and 'outgrew' her, I just loved having a grown up playmate who was happy to get down on the floor and get really involved in my games.

As for your parents, you could talk to them about how you feel, but I would suggest doing that in a family counselling session where there will be a trained third party to help the process along and stop you disintegrating into anger. I can tell you now that you will undoubtedly get things wrong as a parent, your child will most likely scream 'I hate you' at you and think you're the most awful parent in the world at some point or other (often around 14;)).

In the grand scheme of things, your problems could be an awful lot worse. Look at the relate website for family counsellors.

duchy

I hope writing it down has helped. It is horrible to feel you are "less important" in some way than your sibling and many parents do focus more on the child they percieve with the greatest need- blissfully assuming the other sibling "understands" why their needs appear secondary. Loving a sibling isn't the same as not feeling left out or second best at times -yet there is an assumption even with very young children that they will unconditionally love a sibling and put their needs above their own. The drip drip effect on the less needy child's self esteem certainly extends into adulthood and their own relationships.

londonsurrey

Shopaholic101 wrote: »

Knowone is going to in-do 27 years of feeling second fiddle, but I want some recognition and I'm not going to get it like you say, they don't think I need it, in some ways it's too late.

It is too late for the child that was you. But it's one mistake you're never going to make with any child, yours or otherwise. And it's not too late for the adult you.

This baby can be a fresh start for you - you can mark out your territory firmly but gently. Your parents sound well meaning in their zeal to ensure their less able child got everything possible, but to the extent that they forgot that normally abled children have their needs too, and to feel special and important on some occasions too.

Your parents are carrying on with things as when you were children. You can now use your resources to ensure that you have you time. You might have more children after this, and you will ensure that they don't fall in this trap whilst loving and looking out for each other and their aunt. What better way for them to learn that they are all entitled to attention than to see their mum kindly but firmly not allowing herself to be not ever prioritised?

Coincidentally, I've picked up on this with other families. The number of times I've met a family with a small child of "adorable" age, and everyone's fussing over her and looking at him/her. I always make the effort to talk and to try to include the silent "less cute, more able" older child, and what hurts me every time is how surprised they are to be included, and how they light up to that minimal amount of attention.

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LannieDuck

I think to some extent you're going to have to let this go. As you say, you can't undo years of being second-best. It would be nice if they acknowledged some of it, but they never will because they probably see it completely differently. You're about to become a Mum, and maybe your relationship with your parents could change as a result?

You're an independent, capable young adult, and you don't need to be dependent upon them. I think I would be inclined to start treating them as equals rather than as people who need to support you. As equals, you get an equal say in who you interact with and when. You can invite your family around, or accept invitations to go around to their house on an equal footing. Behave as a guest would in their house (including being nice to your sister :P), and expect them to behave well in your house.

As for your sister, it sounds as if she's just excited. Don't worry about her making it all about her - she'll only see the baby for a couple of hours every few days (or weeks - up to you), whereas you'll be the one sending your parents piccies or videos, or calling up to let them know LO started crawling

Mojisola

Shopaholic101 wrote: »

Uh huh... There are years of "unfairness" which could have easily been sorted but werent. E.g we always had black current squash because she liked it, I hate the stuff, but we were only allowed one flavour, so it was hers. Her favourite food is sausages, so we had them every other day, mine is corned beef but we rarely had that, whilst I went hungry as I didn't eat the sausages. Both are so easy to fix, I don't understand why she was never made to eat and drink things she "didn't mind" but I had to live things Id rather starve than eat.

It doesn't matter how disabled your sister is - this is just plain, straightforward bad parenting!

Know one is going to in-do 27 years of feeling second fiddle, but I want some recognition and I'm not going to get it like you say, they don't think I need it, in some ways it's too late.

I think you're probably right but it's a hard thing to come to terms with.

Within families, we take on roles (or sometimes, like you, get forced into roles) that then become the set pattern. Your parents expect you to play second-fiddle to your sister because that's the role they assigned you.

Now you're grown-up - and about to be a parent yourself - you don't have to accept that any more. You might never get them to treat you the way you want to be treated but you can manage the situation differently and control the way you react to them.

Your baby is not going to be a living doll for your sister to play with! Your parents can't dictate to you how you manage your baby's life but you are going to have to find a strong place to start standing up for yourself. If it means reducing the amount of time you spend with them and your sister, then so be it.

It would help you if you got some counselling so that you can learn to manage the situation and change your reaction to your parents' and your sister's treatment of you.

pigpen

As the 'neglected child' I understand but the over excited behaviour of your sister is probably part of her lack of social skills. She actually sounds very like my OH's sister who doesn't have any learning difficulties just social ones.. I told her I am not a petting zoo when she tried prodding my bump and if she did it again I would slap her hands.. I hate being touched without my consent.. I know it was just being affectionate but really, I'm not a touchy feely person more a 'touch me and die' sort.

When my daughter was pregnant she wanted me too, it does seem a natural thing to seek solace with someone close who has experienced what you are going through.

I think every time they wittered on about how excited she is etc I'd chip in with 'well it isn't about her, it is about MY baby' and make everyone fully aware that she will not under any circumstances be babysitting .. though dont exclude her.. she can change nappies while you assist and show her how, she can maybe feed baby when it is older while you offer guidance. Life is all about learning and teaching others, you have many things in your life she may never experience, a partner, a baby, living alone etc... so in many ways your life is much richer than hers.

As a parent it is very hard to watch 1 chikd grow up not knowing how they will cope as an adult and watching another child blossom into a fabulous independant adult.. you are reminded daily how they should both be.

I bet if you sat down with your parents, emailed them a letter explaining how you feel they would be horrified. I am sure you love your sister really, you can resent her or even dislike her sometimes you just need to get it off your chest.

I hope you manage to get time to speak to your mum about this.. could you suggest the 2 of you go for lunch and make it clear it is just for the 2 of you..