I resent my sister and feel so guilty

Molly41

A mother can never do right for doing wrong - a lesson you will learn as soon as you hold your baby in your arms!

suki1001

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

You don't sound like a particularly pleasant person. She's genuinely pleased for you, and all you seem to be thinking about is how you can have your Mummy all to yourself?


I really, really hope your child isn't unfortunate enough to have the same disabilities as your sister. And that the child doesn't grow up to resemble her, or her entire life is likely to be coloured by being hated as well. Will you be sterilised at birth so you never subject a child to having to share you with a younger sibling who could need more care?

That's harsh, she's had a life where she feels she's played second fiddle and even now she feels it's all about her sister. I'm not surprised she feels so resentful.

OP is being completely honest - my oh had a younger sister who his parents dote on and always have. They still clearly favour her and even as an outsider I can see why he feels resentful and in some circumstances insulted.

I know the sister has learning difficulties, but it's possible the parents are over-protective etc, that's infuriating if you're a bystander. If they are really mollycoddling the younger sister, it's not going to do her any good either. They've treated them differently.

Besides which if the op does have a child that has learning difficulties or more than one child, I'm sure she'll go out of her way to make sure they're not treated differently. I think it will make her far more sensitive to a child's needs.

andygb

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

You don't sound like a particularly pleasant person. She's genuinely pleased for you, and all you seem to be thinking about is how you can have your Mummy all to yourself?

How on earth do you know that the OP's sister is genuinely pleased for her? From the OP's description of the situation (which is the one I am going to take at face value, in the absence of any other information), the sister sounds broody, and may just be looking forward to becoming an aunty and cuddling a baby. Her broody behaviour is no indication of her feelings towards her own sister.
When one sibling is favoured over another to a very marked extent, then very often the favoured sibling begins to play on that fact, and will use it to manipulate situations to their advantage.
The OP has already said that they have a wonderful boyfriend, so I would suggest that the OP takes that as a big positive in her life, and gradually moves away from contact with the sister. If the parents question the behaviour, then the OP can simply say that they have their own life and friends, and can do without negative influences, which may harm the relationship.

codemonkey

Actually, I can more than understand this, having a brother who hogs all the attention and parents who do nothing but make excuses for his terrible behaviour. He spoils family events because it always has to be about him bad if it's not he makes it about him, he has a load of kids with different women and didn't pay child support for at least one. He goes out of his way to upset people and according to my parents it's never his fault . Just once I'd like my parents not to take his side or defend him - even just to state that perhaps he'd been out of line but they like to paint this rosy picture of a happy family life.

So yeah, I get resenting a sibling. It doesn't make you a bad person. It's just when your needs are being overlooked all the time in favour of someone else's and you're constantly being made to feel selfish for needing a little bit of their time or for the focus to be on you or for them to actually take your side it's very easy to feel that way. I have no solutions I feel bad for resenting him but that's how I feel. I've tried to let it go but each time he just does something else.

securityguy

Own_My_Own wrote: »

The Op can not do this with her sister. She has to see her.

She doesn't, of course. However, breaking contact with family members is a pretty major step, and may have knock-on effects on other family relationships. But it's clearly the case that having your first child is the point at which your life becomes about you, your partner and your children, and less about your parents and your siblings. Having seen threads like this on various forums over the years, it's usually people from quite close-knit families where parents and siblings live in each other's pockets (phoning and texting every day, endless Facebooking for the modern people) finding that pregnancy marks a turning point.

Shopaholic101

londonsurrey wrote: »

You've had a lifetime of feeling that your needs being minimised, and probably would simply like some validation that you do have a right to feel resentful or any other negative feeling.

It won't help if even now, your parents are still doing the "Ah, but you have to understand..." bit, which takes you right back to when you were a child powerless to change the situation, and quite frankly probably simply wanted a break from being the understanding generous sister.

The plus point is that you are now an independent adult, and in a position to dictate who you see in your home and when.

For instance, you could invite your mother and only her to your place for an afternoon. Then invite your sister over when you are up for it. Stand firm, and don't let them tell you when they are and are not visiting.

You can control your home environment, and know that when you visit their home, they expect you to play nice with your sister as usual.

Having the control over this may help your feelings towards your sister, as you can then choose when you're simply you, with your own needs and wanting to be with your mum, and when you're ready to be a nice understanding sharing sister again, rather than having to turn it on because the family demand it and dictate when they're visiting you.

^^^^ this.

Before I reply, let's get one thing straight, I have spent 27 years defending my sister. In the playground, I stuck up for her when people called her a "freak" and asked what was wrong with her. I explained to people that she just didn't understand how her behaviour was different etc. I am her biggest defence. Now she is older and needs less defending in person I've requested comments removed from Facebook (people being nasty in our old school page) and explained how they are pretty low to have grown up and still have no compassion for those who are different.

Now I'm upset and I was last night that I should feel complete love towards her and I don't. Perhaps hate is too strong, Perhaps resent is right or maybe jealousy, i certainly resent getting up at 6:30 and returning home at 7:30 5 days a week when she has announced she's job hunting "part time" as she doesn't "need to work". My parents tell me she's perfectly capable and able, just a bit behind her peers. So I don't see why she doesn't get the same pressure I get to maintain a job? I felt like a failure when I was being made redundant, I asked if I could move home and was told "no", not now you've moved out. I asked if I lost my house (we were renting at the time), could I come home? I was still told no. There's a small spare room, I don't understand why. I know knowone on this forum can answer that.

After reading comments (ignoring the one about me being sterilised...) I think my issue is spending my childhood being told she's "different", "struggling" and to "understand" and now as an adult shes "achieving", "capable" and "normal". If this is true I dont see why my parents can't just be nice to me and perhaps tell me they're proud or I've done something well that they didn't expect? Or maybe Spend some time with me?

Going forward, she is scary with babies - she hasn't mentioned me once (I was hospitalised for morning sickness), she seems genuinely looking forward to having a living doll!

Btw if my baby has any issues at all I will do my best for them as my parents did for my sister. I'm sure they thought everything they did was best for her, but I know they'd be hurt if I told them how much certain choices they made hurt me. I should really be firm and invite my parents and only them to my house, but the assumption is that my sister is also invited, I would be told to "grow up" if I asked for just them. I know, I've done it in the past.

Shopaholic101

codemonkey wrote: »

So yeah, I get resenting a sibling. It doesn't make you a bad person. It's just when your needs are being overlooked all the time in favour of someone else's and you're constantly being made to feel selfish for needing a little bit of their time or for the focus to be on you or for them to actually take your side it's very easy to feel that way. I have no solutions I feel bad for resenting him but that's how I feel. I've tried to let it go but each time he just does something else.

Missed this as I was posting.

I relate to everything you've said. I think sometimes that I've "let it go" and everything is fine and then something happens or something is said and all the feelings rush back and my memories return and I find it hard not to start feeling resentment again. (which I feel is a bit unfair given her needs, but it's the way I feel).

I would love for my mum/dad to acknowledge that her behaviour is sometimes hurtful and it's not nice. But they don't, they explain everything under a banner of me needing to "understand". She is capable of a loving relationship with her boyfriend and plays on a darts team, so she isn't too bad at understanding emotion, she does know when she's being mean.

Own_My_Own

securityguy wrote: »

She doesn't, of course. However, breaking contact with family members is a pretty major step, and may have knock-on effects on other family relationships. But it's clearly the case that having your first child is the point at which your life becomes about you, your partner and your children, and less about your parents and your siblings. Having seen threads like this on various forums over the years, it's usually people from quite close-knit families where parents and siblings live in each other's pockets (phoning and texting every day, endless Facebooking for the modern people) finding that pregnancy marks a turning point.

The Op would like a better relationship with her parents. Her sister lives with them. Breaking contact with her parents, so as not to see her sister defeats the object some what.

Shopaholic101 wrote: »

^^^^ this.

Before I reply, let's get one thing straight, I have spent 27 years defending my sister. In the playground, I stuck up for her when people called her a "freak" and asked what was wrong with her. I explained to people that she just didn't understand how her behaviour was different etc. I am her biggest defence. Now she is older and needs less defending in person I've requested comments removed from Facebook (people being nasty in our old school page) and explained how they are pretty low to have grown up and still have no compassion for those who are different.

Now I'm upset and I was last night that I should feel complete love towards her and I don't. Perhaps hate is too strong, Perhaps resent is right or maybe jealousy, i certainly resent getting up at 6:30 and returning home at 7:30 5 days a week when she has announced she's job hunting "part time" as she doesn't "need to work". My parents tell me she's perfectly capable and able, just a bit behind her peers. So I don't see why she doesn't get the same pressure I get to maintain a job? I felt like a failure when I was being made redundant, I asked if I could move home and was told "no", not now you've moved out. I asked if I lost my house (we were renting at the time), could I come home? I was still told no. There's a small spare room, I don't understand why. I know knowone on this forum can answer that.

After reading comments (ignoring the one about me being sterilised...) I think my issue is spending my childhood being told she's "different", "struggling" and to "understand" and now as an adult shes "achieving", "capable" and "normal". If this is true I dont see why my parents can't just be nice to me and perhaps tell me they're proud or I've done something well that they didn't expect? Or maybe Spend some time with me?

Going forward, she is scary with babies - she hasn't mentioned me once (I was hospitalised for morning sickness), she seems genuinely looking forward to having a living doll!

Btw if my baby has any issues at all I will do my best for them as my parents did for my sister. I'm sure they thought everything they did was best for her, but I know they'd be hurt if I told them how much certain choices they made hurt me. I should really be firm and invite my parents and only them to my house, but the assumption is that my sister is also invited, I would be told to "grow up" if I asked for just them. I know, I've done it in the past.

It is a very hard situation that I think sadly will never change.

As I said, although I have 2 children, with the oldest having a disability I understand how you feel.
Although slightly different, my Dad divorced my Mum and remarried. He took on 4 children. I resent that he left me in the situation he did, and even now aged 40, get upset when he goes on about about my step-siblings. He will run out to get them if their cars break down, while I get told to ring the RAC.

I did tell him once, but he replied with, 'You don't understand, they don't have a Dad'. Neither do I really any more.

I don't think he or your parents do it on purpose. I think that because we(through need) became strong people and always looked like we could cope, they just thinks that we can cope with everything. The thought of offering help doesn't enter their heads.

londonsurrey

Shopaholic101 wrote: »

^^^^ this.

Before I reply, let's get one thing straight, I have spent 27 years defending my sister. In the playground, I stuck up for her when people called her a "freak" and asked what was wrong with her. I explained to people that she just didn't understand how her behaviour was different etc. I am her biggest defence. Now she is older and needs less defending in person I've requested comments removed from Facebook (people being nasty in our old school page) and explained how they are pretty low to have grown up and still have no compassion for those who are different.

Now I'm upset and I was last night that I should feel complete love towards her and I don't.

I'm sorry you're upset. Would it help that I took it for granted that you have been and continue to be a very faithful sister. So much so that even now, for you to simply feel anything less than complete understanding and giving to her is very upsetting to you.

I was actually trying to say that you have every right to want a bit of space for yourself, and to be gentle with yourself when you feel angry when you find yourself again in that position of "we all have to be nice to her, and nothing is ever just about me".

Shopaholic101

Uh huh... There are years of "unfairness" which could have easily been sorted but werent. E.g we always had black current squash because she liked it, I hate the stuff, but we were only allowed one flavour, so it was hers. Her favourite food is sausages, so we had them every other day, mine is corned beef but we rarely had that, whilst I went hungry as I didn't eat the sausages. Both are so easy to fix, I don't understand why she was never made to eat and drink things she "didn't mind" but I had to live things Id rather starve than eat.

As for help with school work, sharing friends, toys, a car... Well that's a whole new can of worms!

Knowone is going to in-do 27 years of feeling second fiddle, but I want some recognition and I'm not going to get it like you say, they don't think I need it, in some ways it's too late.