I resent my sister and feel so guilty

DannyBo

Own_My_Own wrote: »

I can do that with someone I hardly know, but it is a little harder to do with someone who caused you 40 years of hell.

And as I said, if that is how the Op feels right now it is Ok with me.

Perhaps.

For me it works not to hate but to ignore/erase from my mind

I can relate to your hatred - I am also in a similar position to you but I choose to regard the person as irrelevant.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Shopaholic101 wrote: »

My parents can see how well I'm coping with what? Her insessant questions and excited-ness? Perhaps. But in my head I want to kill her, I'm not mean enough to show that feeling to her.

She has every idea how lucky she is, she can be very hurtful if she wants to be.

She has very mild learning difficulties, I.e she's completing a college course with a good grade, just 8yrs later than her peers. So she isn't exhausting anyone.

I can't tell if she knows how much I hate her, I hope not.

You don't sound like a particularly pleasant person. She's genuinely pleased for you, and all you seem to be thinking about is how you can have your Mummy all to yourself?


I really, really hope your child isn't unfortunate enough to have the same disabilities as your sister. And that the child doesn't grow up to resemble her, or her entire life is likely to be coloured by being hated as well. Will you be sterilised at birth so you never subject a child to having to share you with a younger sibling who could need more care?

Own_My_Own

DannyBo wrote: »

Perhaps.

For me it works not to hate but to ignore/erase from my mind

I can relate to your hatred - I am also in a similar position to you but I choose to regard the person as irrelevant.

The Op can not do this with her sister. She has to see her.

I try with my mum but she has this little habit of getting pi eyed and phoning my house. Even if I don't answer I still know it is her.

OnwardsAndUpwards_2

Hello :wave:

First of all, I think that sibling resentment is pretty normal, and the feeling that one's parents are less than perfect (even when we're fully grown) is too.

That said, you've asked for help seeing another perspective, so here it is:

1. You say you "had to" leave home. Although I don't know your exact circumstances, this is a normal rite of passage. Maybe your sister envies you because she is unable to do so?

2. As a childless aunt myself, I interpret your sister's reaction to your pregnancy as a desire to be part of your child's life. Surely a good thing?

Maybe your parents see you as the one they don't have to worry about (the "normal" adult offspring), and maybe your sister wishes she could be like you? Both compliments.

Definitely stand firm when (politely) refusing offers of "help" if you don't want it - but try to concentrate on all the reasons why you love your life as it is, and try not to resent your family for being the way they are. Congrats on the pregnancy

coolcait

Wow.















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DannyBo

Own_My_Own wrote: »

The Op can not do this with her sister. She has to see her.

I try with my mum but she has this little habit of getting pi eyed and phoning my house. Even if I don't answer I still know it is her.

So let us assume that the OP wishes her sister an untimely death (perhaps with a claw hammer)

Change your landline number and yes, OP has let off steam but she wouldn't wish her sister away - so hate is too strong a word.

DannyBo

Own_My_Own wrote: »

The Op can not do this with her sister. She has to see her.

I try with my mum but she has this little habit of getting pi eyed and phoning my house. Even if I don't answer I still know it is her.

Oh and with regards to your own situation: maybe when your 'Mum' is 'pi eyed' is when she has the courage to call ?!?

The fact that you refer to her as 'mum' indicates a level of compassion.

Pennywise2012

To be honest, it sounds like your issue should be with your parents, not your sister. I may be wrong, but the way it reads is that you resent your sister because you feel your parents love her more than they love you.

When you picture her ruining you having a new baby, do you just picture you and her alone together, with her being really annoying? Or do you picture her and the baby being the centre of attention as aunt and niece/nephew, with you being on the sidelines?

londonsurrey

Shopaholic101 wrote: »

Everything is about when she's coming to see it, she's excited to be a proper aunt and when she can babysit! My parents are all over how excited she is and how I have to be understanding about her wanting to "help".

I don't want her "help", I want to have my moment and it be about "me". I want my parents to spend time with me without her. I can recall 4 occasions I have had my mum to myself and most of those are negative (e.g hospital appointments, being left at uni etc).

I can't stand that even as an adult I feel such loathing towards her, I should be a grown up by now, 1:1 time with my parents shouldn't matter any more. But it does.

You've had a lifetime of feeling that your needs being minimised, and probably would simply like some validation that you do have a right to feel resentful or any other negative feeling.

It won't help if even now, your parents are still doing the "Ah, but you have to understand..." bit, which takes you right back to when you were a child powerless to change the situation, and quite frankly probably simply wanted a break from being the understanding generous sister.

The plus point is that you are now an independent adult, and in a position to dictate who you see in your home and when.

For instance, you could invite your mother and only her to your place for an afternoon. Then invite your sister over when you are up for it. Stand firm, and don't let them tell you when they are and are not visiting.

You can control your home environment, and know that when you visit their home, they expect you to play nice with your sister as usual.

Having the control over this may help your feelings towards your sister, as you can then choose when you're simply you, with your own needs and wanting to be with your mum, and when you're ready to be a nice understanding sharing sister again, rather than having to turn it on because the family demand it and dictate when they're visiting you.

Ladyhawk

How far away from your parents do you live? Just wondering how feasible it would be to just get you mum to come and visit and not bring your sister too.

I completely empathise with you. I think if I was in your position I would not be able to hide my feelings as well as you do.