I resent my sister and feel so guilty

Shopaholic101

This might be a long one, I just really need to get some perspective.

I hate my sister, always have, she's the favoured child. She lives at home rent free, does what she wants and is bank rolled by my parents. I had to move out, have no money and scrape by with second hand clothes but I have an amazing boyfriend, a nice house and a good (new) job.

On Sunday she did something which really annoyed me, she stroked my stomach Without asking. Not a crime but it made me think how much yet again she is about to ruin something which is meant to be an exciting time for me. My first child

Everything is about when she's coming to see it, she's excited to be a proper aunt and when she can babysit! My parents are all over how excited she is and how I have to be understanding about her wanting to "help".

I don't want her "help", I want to have my moment and it be about "me". I want my parents to spend time with me without her. I can recall 4 occasions I have had my mum to myself and most of those are negative (e.g hospital appointments, being left at uni etc).

I can't stand that even as an adult I feel such loathing towards her, I should be a grown up by now, 1:1 time with my parents shouldn't matter any more. But it does.

To top it off, she has "learning difficulties", no particular one, just generally slow to learn, socially strange. So this multiplies my guilt, why am I not understanding?

Rant over, I'm sure I will pack these feelings away and live with them for another 20+ years. After all, I should understand that her "needs are greater than mine", I'm perfectly capable of "everything".

DannyBo

Shopaholic101 wrote: »

This might be a long one, I just really need to get some perspective.

I hate my sister, always have, she's the favoured child. She lives at home rent free, does what she wants and is bank rolled by my parents. I had to move out, have no money and scrape by with second hand clothes but I have an amazing boyfriend, a nice house and a good (new) job.

On Sunday she did something which really annoyed me, she stroked my stomach Without asking. Not a crime but it made me think how much yet again she is about to ruin something which is meant to be an exciting time for me. My first child

Everything is about when she's coming to see it, she's excited to be a proper aunt and when she can babysit! My parents are all over how excited she is and how I have to be understanding about her wanting to "help".

I don't want her "help", I want to have my moment and it be about "me". I want my parents to spend time with me without her. I can recall 4 occasions I have had my mum to myself and most of those are negative (e.g hospital appointments, being left at uni etc).

I can't stand that even as an adult I feel such loathing towards her, I should be a grown up by now, 1:1 time with my parents shouldn't matter any more. But it does.

To top it off, she has "learning difficulties", no particular one, just generally slow to learn, socially strange. So this multiplies my guilt, why am I not understanding?

Rant over, I'm sure I will pack these feelings away and live with them for another 20+ years. After all, I should understand that her "needs are greater than mine", I'm perfectly capable of "everything".

She has learning difficulties - maybe your parents understand that and can see how well you seem to be coping.

I think you are being harsh - she may be exhausting but she probably has no idea of your utter contempt.

Shopaholic101

DannyBo wrote: »

She has learning difficulties - maybe your parents understand that and can see how well you seem to be coping.

I think you are being harsh - she may be exhausting but she probably has no idea of your utter contempt.

My parents can see how well I'm coping with what? Her insessant questions and excited-ness? Perhaps. But in my head I want to kill her, I'm not mean enough to show that feeling to her.

She has every idea how lucky she is, she can be very hurtful if she wants to be.

She has very mild learning difficulties, I.e she's completing a college course with a good grade, just 8yrs later than her peers. So she isn't exhausting anyone.

I can't tell if she knows how much I hate her, I hope not.

DannyBo

Shopaholic101 wrote: »

My parents can see how well I'm coping with what? Her insessant questions and excited-ness? Perhaps. But in my head I want to kill her, I'm not mean enough to show that feeling to her.

She has every idea how lucky she is, she can be very hurtful if she wants to be.

She has very mild learning difficulties, I.e she's completing a college course with a good grade, just 8yrs later than her peers. So she isn't exhausting anyone.

I can't tell if she knows how much I hate her, I hope not.

Coping with life.

Regardless of her diagnosis, however mild it is - obviously your parents feel that she needs more support and encouragement. You on the other hand (perhaps in their eyes) seem to be thriving and are less of a worry.

It doesn't mean they love her more or you less.

DannyBo

And hate is such an ugly word, resent was better.

Own_My_Own

I don't think you are being harsh, your feelings are understandable.

I have 2 children, the eldest has asd, and the youngest is always saying I take his side. I try really hard to treat them both the same, but it is hard. I see my daughter as an intelligent 15 year old who wants to go to uni and see the world. And I see my son as the little boy who used to sit on my lap and be read to. He is 20 and 6 ft 2, but because he needs more care I still see him as my little boy.

I doubt your parents have any idea how you feel, but I also think if you told them they would deny it.

They probably feel guilty in some way that she will never experience the things in life that you will. A nice partner and a baby of her own.

I am in no way trying to belittle how you feel, I can fully understand it. But as the parent of siblings similar to you and your sister, I felt I may be able to explain it from the parents point of view.

Own_My_Own

DannyBo wrote: »

And hate is such an ugly word, resent was better.

It is a word, and if that is how she feels, then that is the word to use.

DannyBo

Own_My_Own wrote: »

It is a word, and if that is how she feels, then that is the word to use.

Except she doesn't actually hate her sister.

Own_My_Own

DannyBo wrote: »

Except she doesn't actually hate her sister.

You don't really know that.
I hate my Mum. I can't look at her without feeling the urge of violence. The word resent wouldn't cut it, for how I feel about her.
Hate is a strong word, but maybe at this exact moment the OP feels right now.

DannyBo

Own_My_Own wrote: »

You don't really know that.
I hate my Mum. I can't look at her without feeling the urge of violence. The word resent wouldn't cut it, for how I feel about her.
Hate is a strong word, but maybe at this exact moment the OP feels right now.

Hate is just a wasted emotion - it is the exact opposite of love ie. it requires the same amount of passion. If you cannot stand a person it's far less emotionally draining to dislike them/be indifferent :beer:

Own_My_Own

DannyBo wrote: »

Hate is just a wasted emotion - it is the exact opposite of love ie. it requires the same amount of passion. If you cannot stand a person it's far less emotionally draining to dislike them/be indifferent :beer:

I can do that with someone I hardly know, but it is a little harder to do with someone who caused you 40 years of hell.

And as I said, if that is how the Op feels right now it is Ok with me.