I resent my sister and feel so guilty

chatterup

I think that this person is trying to be very honest, and that some of the comments here are very harsh. Sibling rivalry or resentment is very normal as I understand as I have a sibling myself. I think you should have a serious conversation with your parents about how you feel like how you want to spend some alone time with them.

caeler

I've not always 'liked' my sister, we have an okay relationship now but it took many years. I'm early 30s and she's early 20s which I think is part of the problem. What age gap are we talking about with you? In some respects I felt my sister was the favoured child, no discipline, always got what she wanted and the like. But once I grew up and got perspective by leaving home I slowly started to realise she resented me! I am independant, did okay at school, have well paid job, own my own home, nice car, etc. She feels she has it very hard, and actually I agree. Whilst I was going to college and working as hard as I could to get a-levels which might give me a fighting chance for a good job, when she got to that age, she simply didn't bother, fell in with a bad crowd and is now feeling the repercusions. She's doing better for herself now and I don't mind all the quality time she has with our parents, I am okay with it as she needs it more than me. I try not to go on about 'how well I am doing' in front of her and make sure I'm not always talking about stuff I'm doing, when we're together I make an extra effort to see what is going on with her. I find it helps, makes me less guilty I suppose. I hope my share helps you in some way and you find a way to move forward. Your feelings will only end up hurting you and it sounds to me you don't want to feel the way you are feeling.

RAS

I think there are two issues here

1. The initial experience of being being the one whose needs were not met.
2. The continuing experience of having one's feelings (and whatever anyone thinks about the justification, they are real feelings) disallowed. There are a huge number of people who have grown up in abusive or dysfunctional families who have found that it is not the original actions that damage but the later rejection of their responses and feeling. Being told that your truths are lies is mad-making.

The OP is neccesarily anxious to to protect her unborn child now and in the future and is concerned that her parents will support and encourage her sister in behaving in ways that may be harmful.

The reference to a living doll is frightening; no way would I allow someone with that expectation to touch my child.

bitemebankers

OP - Not read every single post, but I'm getting the gist of it. I really sympathise with your situation. I used to have similar gripes regarding both of my younger siblings. The one thing I would say though, without knowing all the facts of the situation, is that I don't think your sister is the problem here.

Favouritism exists in ALL families. ALL parents do it to a greater or lesser degree. Generally, they vehemently deny it, which makes the resentment worse. But the bottom line is, neither your sister or you are to blame for the way you've been treated differently and she's not your enemy.

It's regrettable that there are so many negative comments on this thread, responding to what's actually a very common situation in families. Personally I think your honesty is laudable.

Lilith1980

Hi OP,

My OH has always felt resentful towards his mum about her relationship with his younger brother (he's only 4 years younger). His mum (and I witness this every time I go round there) goes on and on about my OH's brother, always praising him etc etc. He can never do any wrong.

They were treated very differently as children - my OH's brother was given money to buy new things, and bailed out of his debts because he literally used to spend his weekly wages on going down the pub and so never had money to pay them board etc. They used their savings on bailing him out. In comparison, my OH had to pay his own way, bought himself second-hand things and was never helped out with anything financially.

It must have been bad because even other family members noticed and even confronted his mum about it. My OH has since talked to her (a few years back) and she didn't even realise that that's how she was behaving. I don't know if it was an automatic thing because of him being the older brother - she said she just assumed he was ok and self-sufficient.

Maybe your parents don't know that this is how they are being, but that doesn't make it any easier for you.

Perhaps it might help if you speak to a counsellor about how you feel - sometimes having some time to speak to someone who is not in the situation and is there to provide non-judgemental, empathic support can really help get some perspective.

Also, you have every right to feel your feelings, because they are YOURS to feel. No one except you can know what it's like to be in your shoes.

Perhaps you need to put your foot down - this baby is yours and you need to do what is best for you and your baby, not what is best to keep your sister happy. Try to enjoy your pregnancy hun

Shopaholic101

There are some really interesting posts here, thank you. I think I needed some perspective as we are at a time where everyone has their opinion on parenting and we have our own. The one that keeps grating on me is my mums mantra of "treating you both the same", she apparently feels this is what she does. But she isnt, it's plain to see she isn't, I work but have a low disposable income, so I wear second hand, we have a mortgage and huge bills, I am about to start a better job but it still won't be easy. My sister gets a rent free house, lovely new clothes, 5* holidays (literally) and money when she wants it. I guess I see her as a capable young woman and they see her a child, hence the mis-match in how I feel and how I think I should feel.

I might see if the doctor will refer me to a councellor as crying isn't really helping and I'm losing the plot and need a clear head, there are some really difficult conversations due (e.g no babysitting unless there are two adults and my house, my rules).

There's one thing I'm in no doubt of though - my LO will have no shortage of love!

With reference to food, it was a massive deal growing up as my parents were of the "eat it all or don't leave the table until you do" variety. So I remember many many evenings looking at the plate waiting for bedtime so I didn't have to finish it. Ironically now, I love sausages which contain real pork, I still can't stomach the smell or taste of the weird plasticy frozen ones she liked (and still does). I can't stand black current squash though - it just smells and tastes like mouldy bathrooms to me... But we keep it in for her visits, alongside three other varieties - I've swung the other way!

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

OK, trying to be a bit more 'explanatory' here.

Child B has a specific learning disability. It's in all probability not been named yet (Aspergers wasn't recognised in the UK until the 1990s). But there is very obviously something 'wrong' in comparison to Child A.

Child B has specific likes and dislikes. As does Child A. Parent talks to others, to doctors, the school, someone like that.

'How do I deal with this? B won't eat x, y, z, but likes 1, 2, 3, A is the complete opposite. I can't let them starve themselves and we can't afford to be buying and cooking separate meals all the time'

The answer could well have been 'B has ....... This will not change. You can't punish her out of it. Give her food that she will eat. A is being fussy. She can change her behaviour, she's trying it on because she sees B getting things.'

'But she will just sit there, sulking until it's bedtime if she doesn't want something or is in a bad mood'

'She won't starve to death. If you are really worried, then have one day with something B likes, then one day with something A likes. Don't let her fill up on juice, if she's hungry she will eat it.'

'But B's diet is so restricted, she needs energy and vitamins.'

'Get something she likes. Ribena's high in vitamin C (as per the adverts). That way A won't drink it'.




So, for all the right intentions, the parents end up in the wrong. but yet again, it's the parents in the wrong, NOT the person with the learning disability, which, if she is genuinely incapable of being round a baby safely, makes her mental age nearer five than twenty seven. Which is not 'nothing wrong with her'.

suki1001

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

OK, trying to be a bit more 'explanatory' here.

Child B has a specific learning disability. It's in all probability not been named yet (Aspergers wasn't recognised in the UK until the 1990s). But there is very obviously something 'wrong' in comparison to Child A.

Child B has specific likes and dislikes. As does Child A. Parent talks to others, to doctors, the school, someone like that.

'How do I deal with this? B won't eat x, y, z, but likes 1, 2, 3, A is the complete opposite. I can't let them starve themselves and we can't afford to be buying and cooking separate meals all the time'

The answer could well have been 'B has ....... This will not change. You can't punish her out of it. Give her food that she will eat. A is being fussy. She can change her behaviour, she's trying it on because she sees B getting things.'

'But she will just sit there, sulking until it's bedtime if she doesn't want something or is in a bad mood'

'She won't starve to death. If you are really worried, then have one day with something B likes, then one day with something A likes. Don't let her fill up on juice, if she's hungry she will eat it.'

'But B's diet is so restricted, she needs energy and vitamins.'

'Get something she likes. Ribena's high in vitamin C (as per the adverts). That way A won't drink it'.




So, for all the right intentions, the parents end up in the wrong. but yet again, it's the parents in the wrong, NOT the person with the learning disability, which, if she is genuinely incapable of being round a baby safely, makes her mental age nearer five than twenty seven. Which is not 'nothing wrong with her'.

IF that is the scenario, then the least the parents could have done would have been to at least explain to the op. Are you also saying it is beyond the realms of possibility that they only treated the sister the way they did because of her learning difficulties and not because of favouritism. Why not get 2 different bottles of squash.

It is the parents fault, but it still makes it very difficult to see it this way. It's like not blaming the other woman.

bitemebankers

Shopaholic101 wrote: »

I might see if the doctor will refer me to a councellor as crying isn't really helping and I'm losing the plot and need a clear head, there are some really difficult conversations due (e.g no babysitting unless there are two adults and my house, my rules).

I think this is a wise move. A good counsellor will really help you to get things into perspective. At the end of the day, your adult life is being ruled by childhood politics and now you're facing becoming a parent yourself, which inevitably brings old issues to the fore. Counselling may help you to move on, and put the past behind you and concentrate on developing a relationship with your parents and sister that works for you rather than against you.

GobbledyGook

Shopaholic - I think counselling is a great move. I had it after my DD1 was born and it helped massively. It doesn't fix it or take it away, but it helped to put it in a place that means it doesn't dictate my life today and also gives coping strategies to deal with times when it flares up. I wish I'd done it before she arrived.

The best thing was it taught me how to deal with the guilt. You have thr right to feel annoyed or let down, feelings are what they are. It just helps get the focus on dealing with it rather than dwelling on it, if that makes sense?