I resent my sister and feel so guilty

Mojisola

notanewuser wrote: »

Hate to say this but it isn't going to be about YOU. It's going to be all about your baby.

During pregnancy, it should be!

suki1001

Mojisola wrote: »

During pregnancy, it should be!

Yes, because after it certainly isn't!

barbiedoll

OP is perfectly entitled to be angry about her treatment at the hands of her parents and I doubt that there are many families who haven't felt the odd pang of resentment, anyone with siblings feels it at some point during their childhood.
My mum treated all of us fairly but that didn't stop my sis and I resenting my brother who was allowed to stay out as late as he liked and would still get a nice meal when he got home (ours would be in the bin if we were half an hour late). My siblings resented me because my mum would confide in me (the eldest) and I always knew what was going on before they did. And my brother and I resented the fact that our younger sister was quite spoiled and a bit of a brat (still is sometimes!). We all get on fine now but occasionally the old resentments do flare up, we never forget the bad bits of our childhoods it seems.

There does seem to be this general idea that anyone with mild learning difficulties (like OP's sister) is only ever going to be a kind, loving generous soul, who would never knowingly act in a selfish manner. Of course, just because the sister is never going to be a great intellectual it doesn't mean that she is unaware of how to get everything she wants without too much effort. Doing a college course 8 years later than her peers is not a big deal, I did a couple of GCSE's when I was 35, almost 20 years later than my "peers". Having a boyfriend and a social life means that as far as can be judged here, she is perfectly capable of functioning normally. That doesn't give her any rights over OP's baby, nor does it mean that OP should be made to feel that she is depriving her sister if she doesn't want her to babysit. I wouldn't have left my sister alone in charge when my son was a baby, she was earning more than me then but she didn't have a clue about how to care for a baby!

OP, of course you want it to be about "you" now, it's an exciting time in your life and you quite rightly, want to be the centre of attention for once. And why not? It's got nothing to do with whether or not your sister will ever have kids, that is a different issue. You should get your mum out on her own and tell her how it is. Tell her that your sister will not be babysitting as she is not responsible or mature enough. Tell your mum that you will need her to help you when the baby arrives and that your sister will just have to fend for herself for a few hours each day as your need will be greater (and it will!) And appeal to her mothering instinct, she probably has no idea that you feel so hard done by, you don't need to drag up years of slights against you but you could remind her that she is doing your sister no favours by treating her like a small child who has to be appeased all the time by gifts, holidays and money.

Don't let this spoil your pregnancy, its a wonderful time in your life but it will be hard enough without worrying about all of this. You need to ensure that you don't treat your sister like a child too though, if you don't want her touching your stomach, then tell her so. Don't listen to your mum's protestations, your sister is an adult, you are allowed to speak to her like one!

Good luck with your pregnancy, I hope that you can find some peace.

notanewuser

Mojisola wrote: »

During pregnancy, it should be!

The OP's bothered about her sister babysitting etc. That's usually something that happens after the baby is born!!!

Mojisola

notanewuser wrote: »

The OP's bothered about her sister babysitting etc. That's usually something that happens after the baby is born!!!

Even during the pregnancy, all the talk is about how exciting the sister is finding the idea of being an auntie, about how much she wants to babysit, etc.

During the pregnancy, the expectant mother should be the centre of attention - not her sister.

notanewuser

Mojisola wrote: »

Even during the pregnancy, all the talk is about how exciting the sister is finding the idea of being an auntie, about how much she wants to babysit, etc.

During the pregnancy, the expectant mother should be the centre of attention - not her sister.

My family were thousands of miles away when I was pregnant, so maybe I don't see it the same way.

jayII

notanewuser wrote: »

My family were thousands of miles away when I was pregnant, so maybe I don't see it the same way.

Mine were hundreds of miles away both times, but I still had happy, interested and excited phone calls from them. I would have been very hurt if it had been all about my sibling wanting to be an aunt.

twix521

Shopaholic101 wrote: »

This might be a long one, I just really need to get some perspective.

I hate my sister, always have, she's the favoured child. She lives at home rent free, does what she wants and is bank rolled by my parents. I had to move out, have no money and scrape by with second hand clothes but I have an amazing boyfriend, a nice house and a good (new) job.

On Sunday she did something which really annoyed me, she stroked my stomach Without asking. Not a crime but it made me think how much yet again she is about to ruin something which is meant to be an exciting time for me. My first child

Everything is about when she's coming to see it, she's excited to be a proper aunt and when she can babysit! My parents are all over how excited she is and how I have to be understanding about her wanting to "help".

I don't want her "help", I want to have my moment and it be about "me". I want my parents to spend time with me without her. I can recall 4 occasions I have had my mum to myself and most of those are negative (e.g hospital appointments, being left at uni etc).

I can't stand that even as an adult I feel such loathing towards her, I should be a grown up by now, 1:1 time with my parents shouldn't matter any more. But it does.

To top it off, she has "learning difficulties", no particular one, just generally slow to learn, socially strange. So this multiplies my guilt, why am I not understanding?

Rant over, I'm sure I will pack these feelings away and live with them for another 20+ years. After all, I should understand that her "needs are greater than mine", I'm perfectly capable of "everything".

I really feel for you. However I think the problem is not your sister but more the way your parents treat you so differently. Its not fair or acceptable at whatever age you are, regardless of learning difficulties.

I don't have much advice other than to distance yourself from your family a bit and focus on your own family and friends. There is no point being bitter and getting p*ssed off about it, it is a total waste of energy. Put the energy into people that do bother with you and make time for you.

I have found with family, the less you bother with people, often the more they bother with you. I never ring my parents anymore as my mother used to be so rude me when I used to ring. "Oh its you again" .... wow charming mum!! Now I have stopped ringing, she rings me almost every day... bizzarre!

Also don't get wrapped up in the fact your sister lives at the family home rent free. Look at what you have achived to not be living there. I know its hard when you think "well my parents charged me to live here" but look at actually how well your doing. Your independent of them and doing well for yourself. Slap in the face that shes getting it all on a plate, but how is she going to cope when they aren't around anymore? I know it sounds harsh but you have to just think yourself lucky to be so self-reliant and by the sounds of it financially independent.

You could try to speak to your Mum about how your feeling, or even drop a few hints. I am forever doing it and I make it quite clear that when they are favouring either my brother or sister or running around after them what I think of it.

In the meantime, don't hate your sister. She hasn't created this situation, your parents have.

I feel for you though, its a horrible situation and I resent both my siblings for how little time my parents have 'left' for me after both my siblings needs and wants are 'tended' for.

Nicki

I am a parent of a child with additional needs, along with two others who don't. This thread has made very uncomfortable reading in parts. I freely accept that my disabled child is treated differently to her siblings and this is partly because she needs to be (cannot dress herself for example) and partly because the fall out to the family if concessions aren't made are worse than the upset caused to the other children if they are. No one in the house is happy if she is self harming, screaming uncontrollably for hours and lashing out at others, whereas the upset caused by it being for example sausages again for tea rather than pizza is shortlived.

I would be devastated though if an adult child confronted me in a way that some have suggested OP confront her mum, and my reaction if I were would probably be to argue and distance myself from the complaining child if I though the accusations were unfair, pregnant or not, for a while. On the other hand, if an adult child were to approach me and explain that they were pregnant and feeling vulnerable and could they have some 1:1 time, I'd be there like a shot and wouldn't be bringing the disabled child along with me.

Having been pregnant several times and hormonal and upset about things which ordinarily wouldn't bother me, and having separately had counselling during a difficult time, I absolutely would not undergo counselling while pregnant unless it was absolutely necessary. Counselling is painful and upsetting, it requires you to look face on at very difficult issues and reframe them. It is like breaking and resetting a bone. That might well be necessary for a long term trauma, but if there is any chance at all that this current upset is mainly the hormones making themselves felt, it may well make OP feel a lot worse not better in the short term, and in the long term she may well feel more settled about the issue anyway.

duchy

Interesting perspectives keep hitting me

I can recall 4 occasions I have had my mum to myself and most of those are negative (e.g hospital appointments, being left at uni etc).

See there's two perspectives here "My Mum came with me and helped me get myself and my stuff to University OR " My Mum left me at University" . Most normal eighteen year olds CHOOSE going away to uni and don't regard it as been sent away or "left"