I resent my sister and feel so guilty

Mojisola

Shopaholic101 wrote: »

Everything is about when she's coming to see it, she's excited to be a proper aunt and when she can babysit!

My parents are all over how excited she is

shegirl wrote: »

Why is she annoyed by her sister being excited about being an aunt?

I read the OP as Shopaholic being upset that the parents are more interested in how excited the sister is than in Shopaholic and her pregnancy.

Person_one

duchy wrote: »

Interesting perspectives keep hitting me

I can recall 4 occasions I have had my mum to myself and most of those are negative (e.g hospital appointments, being left at uni etc).

See there's two perspectives here "My Mum came with me and helped me get myself and my stuff to University OR " My Mum left me at University" . Most normal eighteen year olds CHOOSE going away to uni and don't regard it as been sent away or "left"

I have to admit, that stood out to me too.

Being dropped off at uni was scary, but exciting and the start of something new and independent and most definitely a positive, it certainly didn't feel like being dumped by my parents. I think the OP's reaction is very unusual for that situation, but I suppose it could depend on how her parents handled it.

ognum

First I have to admit I have read the whole thread so sorry if this has already been said!

I think Op you should stop focusing on the negatives. Your post talks about the many good things in your life and it seems there are lots of good things.

your sister may not have any of these good things ever. No loving relationship, no great job, no new baby.

Please think of the positives and have a cup half full rather than a cup half empty. You do not need to see your sister every day!

It appears you are jealous of her, she is also probably jealous of you! Try taking small steps toward her, give just a little. it may work!

suki1001

shegirl wrote: »

I am not basing it on my sons needs.Many kids and adults with varying special needs have issues with food.

But if you were within that family, you'd be fully aware, you'd make the allowances, just like when the op stood up for her sister at school. If you had another child - they'd be aware of your son's needs.

I'm just wondering even if it was the case, whether they couldn't have been a bit more accommodating towards her. With the resentment she feels, I'm under the impression there's more to this than simply them meeting the needs of the sister.

I am throwing in an alternative perspective that may never have crossed her mind.Just like others have done.

At a guess, i'm sure the op's parents made the op highly aware of the her sister's needs are - I just don't think they considered hers


If the op never had her favourite food she would never have decided it was her favourite.Maybe she's emphasising to herself and feeling rather than being factual.

I doubt many parents think they need to tell their adult children how proud they are of them living a normal life,as such.Maybe the op can't see it if it exists because she's too caught up in resentment for her sister?Why is it the sister she is taking it out on?Why is she annoyed by her sister being excited about being an aunt?

But perhaps under the circumstances, it's more important to stress it? If you had two children, considering your son, don't you think you'd be highly sensitive also to the needs of your other child. reassuring them that the time needed to look after him, wasn't to do with anything other than the time required and not because you loved one more than the other. I think the op in these circumstances needed more reassurance and acknowledgement than usual.

When you get to a stage of resenting someone for so much it's very difficult to see any good in the reason's behind the doing something, so I'd imagine, although she feels bad that she feels that way about her sister, that she simply can't help it. I've done it with flat mates, a work colleague. Remember this is the first time she's really expecting any sort of attention - and when you're pregnant, you do want that treatment, it's sort of in built. but she feels the sister is diverting that away from her - treating it like her moment and although that's really sad, i can understand why the op feels that way.

I think the op needs to sit and think if she feels the way she does,or talk to her mum.Ask for some alone time.

The problem is it's ridiculous she's having to ask. Any parent naturally gives each child their own time together - or they should do - I think this say a lot.

My aunt who herself is disabled took on full time care of an adult with learning difficulties. Someone like this takes up all of my aunts time and the we haven't really seen my aunt for years, certainly not without the other adult (she's like a mum to her). It takes an awful lot of commitment from my aunt which is extremely admirable, she gives this lady 100%, at the same time, although our family think my aunts amazing, there is a tinge of sadness, that things aren't quite the same as they used to be, that everything has to evolve around the other adult. My aunt knew what she was taking on and she's amazing - and family members fully expect my aunt to put the needs of the adult first, but if it was a closer relationship and my aunt had 2 children, things just wouldn't be as simple, I can see how resentment could grow.

Shopaholic101

I did feel "left", I didn't want to go and my memory is of me moving my stuff out and my sister telling me she was counting down 4 years to get my room when I moved out properly.

When I did move out, after uni, my dad asked when I was going to finish moving the rest of my "sh*t" so he could decorate. It was then that they painted it, got a new bed, made the tv arial work, got a new tv and took me off their car insurance. To be fair, I was so upset with the moving my stuff comments that I burst into tears, told them how upsetting their coldness was and drove to my new flat. He did apologise but it was like they'd been itching to get me gone. This is reinforced by the "no" I received when I asked if I could move home when everything was going wrong and I was being made redundant.

My mum said she cried as she missed me the first week I was away and I was crying because I didn't want to be there. So
I don't understand why I was forced to go.

I did eventually enjoy the course but I wish I'd taken a gap year, chosen a better course and a different uni. Despite it getting me a decent job now.

I won't talk to my mum about this, it'd hurt her and I do appreciate the support I get, no matter how little or random.

Both my sister and my parents are very excited about my sister being a "proper aunty". I would be excited and will be excited when/if she has a baby too. Or I'd be terrified - I still remember her mixing my pet with her scissors... Queue one blind pet. Albeit she was 13.

This baby was a massive surprise to us and an amazing one at that. I can't wait to show it the world, take it to different places and introduce them to everyone I know. I'm very aware from baby's arrival nothing is about me... Heck we've already made life choices based on their arrival and it is exciting!

Person_one

A lot of that is pretty normal, my little brother moved into my room about 5 minutes after I left for uni, he got booted out back to his own when I was home for the holidays!

My dad turned my room into his hobby room as soon as I moved out to live with my boyfriend too, and was gutted when we split up and I came back for a bit, he regularly made jokes about marrying me off to get the room back! When I moved out permanently they downsized and neither of us children have a room in their new house. That's just part of growing up.

We all love each other though, and we can take a bit of good natured joking because deep down we're completely secure in how important we all are to each other, it seems like that's what's missing for you. You don't feel important to them. I admit, I do think that parents should be willing to let their adult children come home when things go wrong for them, how much discussion was there, did you tell them how you felt at the time or since?

Have you considered going to Relate rather than waiting for counselling through your GP? I think it might be more suited to your situation anyway. You don't have to be in a couple, they also do family-related counselling, and you can go on your own.

Have a look here: http://www.relate.org.uk/family-counselling/index.html

londonsurrey

I do wonder how much your parents have thought things through, and whether they're doing your sister any favours.

Are they leaving her with the means to fund her current lifestyle to the end of her days, or do they expect her to be eventually able to sustain it for herself? Or do they expect you to take over?

The reason why I raise this is that you mention new clothes, 5 star holidays, etc, and it does sound like they're not teaching her how to budget and manage on a modest income?

gravitytolls

Ah Shopaholic, I feel for you all.

My mum had a younger disabled brother. He was epileptic, uncontrollable, until the day he died, 12ish years ago, they never knew what caused the seizures. He set fire to the flat, pulled handfuls of hair from my mum, tried to kill my nanny, with general bad behaviour thrown in for good measure.

Grandad was at work all day, he'd come home, nanny would say 'he's done this or that', grandad would say 'he can't help it.' Of course if mum was naughty, she was punished.

They moved several times, and when mum left school at 15 she immediately worked for the civil service. Every week she'd pay her keep and buy herself a little something. Once she bought a twin set, and as she walked down the stairs in her new clothes ready to go out, he came up behind her, ripped the cardi from top to bottom and pushed her down the stairs.

He obviously felt frustrated by his condition, by attending mainstream school and being different and though he loved his family, he resented his difference.

Mum left home very early and had me whilst young. Uncle Paul went to a residential home soon after, aged 18, after he tried to strangle nanny and grandad struggled to get him off of her. This is when he decided it wasn't safe to have him home any longer, only for visits.

Now this situation is very different from yours in terms of the behavioural problems, but the resentment is much the same. Mum saw her brother regularly, he visited when he came to stay with her folks, she answered calls and letters etc., she never said a word about him really. But she grew up being treated differently to him, it wasn't fair then, it's not fair now.

However, as any parent will tell you, when you've got more than one child, sometimes for the sake of perceived equilibrium, it becomes habit to give in to one over another, maybe because of disability, or just because one is difficult!

This isn't deliberate, it really just becomes habits borne from learning to cope with a challenging child on a daily basis, what works once will hopefully continue to work.

I really feel you should consider counselling. You may never be happy about your sister rubbing your tum, which is a shame as the image is really rather lovely, but being able to freely talk through your feelings may help you to come to terms with your own feelings and with your sister's behaviour, hopefully with your parents too.

Good luck with the baby.

londonsurrey

BTW I wasn't taken to uni. I took myself there.
And ironically, when my mother left the country later, she expected me to come back and clean and clear her rented house for her after she'd left. I was in Norwich, her house was in London. I had no car. But like an obedient idiot, I did it.

Shopaholic101

londonsurrey wrote: »

I do wonder how much your parents have thought things through, and whether they're doing your sister any favours.

Are they leaving her with the means to fund her current lifestyle to the end of her days, or do they expect her to be eventually able to sustain it for herself? Or do they expect you to take over?

The reason why I raise this is that you mention new clothes, 5 star holidays, etc, and it does sound like they're not teaching her how to budget and manage on a modest income?

She will inherit everything that's left aftercare home fees etc. they've always told me that and I'd get nothing as I'm able to take care of myself. So yes she gets a more than modest lifestyle for life.

Oddly this doesn't bother me, I'd never see her homeless or in debt because she can't earn enough to support herself.

She has no concept of money though.., she owes me her half of every present ever bought for our parents :rotfl: I've written off seeing that. Which again, oddly I don't care about.