I resent my sister and feel so guilty

shegirl

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

OK, trying to be a bit more 'explanatory' here.

Child B has a specific learning disability. It's in all probability not been named yet (Aspergers wasn't recognised in the UK until the 1990s). But there is very obviously something 'wrong' in comparison to Child A.

Child B has specific likes and dislikes. As does Child A. Parent talks to others, to doctors, the school, someone like that.

'How do I deal with this? B won't eat x, y, z, but likes 1, 2, 3, A is the complete opposite. I can't let them starve themselves and we can't afford to be buying and cooking separate meals all the time'

The answer could well have been 'B has ....... This will not change. You can't punish her out of it. Give her food that she will eat. A is being fussy. She can change her behaviour, she's trying it on because she sees B getting things.'

'But she will just sit there, sulking until it's bedtime if she doesn't want something or is in a bad mood'

'She won't starve to death. If you are really worried, then have one day with something B likes, then one day with something A likes. Don't let her fill up on juice, if she's hungry she will eat it.'

'But B's diet is so restricted, she needs energy and vitamins.'

'Get something she likes. Ribena's high in vitamin C (as per the adverts). That way A won't drink it'.




So, for all the right intentions, the parents end up in the wrong. but yet again, it's the parents in the wrong, NOT the person with the learning disability, which, if she is genuinely incapable of being round a baby safely, makes her mental age nearer five than twenty seven. Which is not 'nothing wrong with her'.

^^this!

My son is autistic and like many autistics he is VERY rigid in what he will eat or drink.It is nothing to do with 'being fussy' and it cannot be taken out of him.

Would the op rather her sister was forced into distress and not eating?

It's a difficult situation.It is highly likely the parents done what they did to ensure both could be fed.Fair enough if it made the OP feel sad when she was a kid but she's old enough to understand and know better now.And it's not as if it was every day she had to eat sausages.As for the 'but my favourite was...' I won't even respond to that comment!

OP,I understand you feel how you feel but you come across as selfish,me me me,and seriously lacking understanding of your sisters condition and needs,along with what your parents have had to do,even as an adult!

Has it ever crossed your mind that they love that you are out making your own life?That they want you to stand on your own two feet and stay that way,because your sister can't?Ever considered how much it hurts a parent when their child can't have the same lifestyle as their peers?Think about that,they are probably proudly enjoying watching you experience life!

So what if your sister stroked your belly fgs!

So what if she wants part time work and you 'are forced' to work full time.

How about you be grateful that you can have and experience the life that you can!

londonsurrey

This is your time. You're pregnant, and deserve to be pampered a bit. Baby hasn't put in an appearance yet, so it's all about you.

One good thing about being financially independent is that you really can call the shots about how and what is done.

That's not to say that others will continue blithely trying to dictate to you what they insist is the right thing. After all, they've been doing it all your life. But now's a good time to draw a line to all that. They're not going to give you rights - you have to grab them.

My story is a bit different, but at 22, I was the only breadwinner in my household, consisting of me and my husband. My newly divorced mother and toddler brother came to live in our flat.

You'd think that I'd be given some credit for being a good daughter, wouldn't you? But no, she saw nothing good in what I did, and criticised and undermined me at every turn. It was never good enough. It took me a while to get over my bewilderment and fight back.

As a young mother with her own hard earned home, you have a responsibility primarily for your own establishment, which houses you, your husband and your baby. You don't have to let anyone interfere or undermine your authority.

jayII

Nicki wrote: »

I am a parent of a child with additional needs, along with two others who don't. This thread has made very uncomfortable reading in parts. I freely accept that my disabled child is treated differently to her siblings and this is partly because she needs to be (cannot dress herself for example) and partly because the fall out to the family if concessions aren't made are worse than the upset caused to the other children if they are. No one in the house is happy if she is self harming, screaming uncontrollably for hours and lashing out at others, whereas the upset caused by it being for example sausages again for tea rather than pizza is shortlived.

I don't think there is anything 'wrong' with making concessions in the situation you describe. As you say, you made those choices for everyone's benefit, including your other children.

But, if you knew that one child really hated sausages, wouldn't you occasionally cook something different for that child. OP said her favourite was corned beef, it doesn't take a lot of effort to replace sausages on one plate with a couple of slices of corned beef. Ditto with the squash. Having two choices, to accomodate both children's needs, doesn't seem unreasonable to me.

duchy wrote: »

Interesting perspectives keep hitting me

I can recall 4 occasions I have had my mum to myself and most of those are negative (e.g hospital appointments, being left at uni etc).

See there's two perspectives here "My Mum came with me and helped me get myself and my stuff to University OR " My Mum left me at University" . Most normal eighteen year olds CHOOSE going away to uni and don't regard it as been sent away or "left"

You're right but given what she has described, I suspect that the OP has suffered emotional neglect from her parents, which has skewed her emotional response to situations involving them or her sister.

suki1001

shegirl wrote: »

^^this!

My son is autistic and like many autistics he is VERY rigid in what he will eat or drink.It is nothing to do with 'being fussy' and it cannot be taken out of him.

The op's sister isn't though. Would that stop you from fully explaining that to your other child? Would that mean your other child never had a choice.

Would the op rather her sister was forced into distress and not eating?

You don't know that would happen. You're making an assumption on the needs of your child

It's a difficult situation.It is highly likely the parents done what they did to ensure both could be fed.Fair enough if it made the OP feel sad when she was a kid but she's old enough to understand and know better now.And it's not as if it was every day she had to eat sausages. No, nearly everyday - while she never got her choice - a huge thing for a child
As for the 'but my favourite was...' I won't even respond to that comment!

OP,I understand you feel how you feel but you come across as selfish,me me me,and seriously lacking understanding of your sisters condition and needs,along with what your parents have had to do,even as an adult!

No, they were lacking in her needs. The sister sounds like all her needs have been catered to and more.

Has it ever crossed your mind that they love that you are out making your own life?

Perhaps it might have been nice for them to mention it - you can't expect people to be mind readers.

That they want you to stand on your own two feet and stay that way,because your sister can't?Ever considered how much it hurts a parent when their child can't have the same lifestyle as their peers?Think about that,they are probably proudly enjoying watching you experience life!

Again - might be nice if they actually re-inforced this view


So what if your sister stroked your belly fgs!

I found people touching my tummy incredibly invasive if they didn't ask - i always asked my sisters first when they were pregnant too. Sounds like her sister was capable of asking.

So what if she wants part time work and you 'are forced' to work full time.

How about you be grateful that you can have and experience the life that you can!

But if she's had years of this, that's going to be really difficult. All the op's needed is some recognition and appreciation in her life for being patient and it sounds like she's never had it. Yes, the parents have had to cope, but just expecting the children to get on with things and cope is unfair. She never gets time on her own with her parents, surely most parents of children with disabilities or special needs appreciate that fact.

When I've worked with some charities, children whose siblings have cancer are also recognised because the parents have to spend so much time with the other child, they're not told just to accept it, they're acknowledged too, and it's much the same principle that I'm saying too.

However, i agree, that it isn't the sister's fault and that perhaps she needs to pick a different fight - we all get annoyed at the wrong person when we're angry sometimes, it's very difficult not too, especially with siblings.

jayII

shegirl wrote: »

^^this!

My son is autistic and like many autistics he is VERY rigid in what he will eat or drink.It is nothing to do with 'being fussy' and it cannot be taken out of him.

Would the op rather her sister was forced into distress and not eating?

It's a difficult situation.It is highly likely the parents done what they did to ensure both could be fed.Fair enough if it made the OP feel sad when she was a kid but she's old enough to understand and know better now.And it's not as if it was every day she had to eat sausages.As for the 'but my favourite was...' I won't even respond to that comment!

OP,I understand you feel how you feel but you come across as selfish,me me me,and seriously lacking understanding of your sisters condition and needs,along with what your parents have had to do,even as an adult!

Has it ever crossed your mind that they love that you are out making your own life?That they want you to stand on your own two feet and stay that way,because your sister can't?Ever considered how much it hurts a parent when their child can't have the same lifestyle as their peers?Think about that,they are probably proudly enjoying watching you experience life!

So what if your sister stroked your belly fgs!

So what if she wants part time work and you 'are forced' to work full time.

How about you be grateful that you can have and experience the life that you can!

Granted, but if you had two children, wouldn't you try to meet both their needs and wants at least part of the time?

The OP describes 'never' having her favourite meat, while her sister had hers every other day. She also describes not eating the food at all.

Does a child with problems have the right to dictate what the whole family eats? There are a couple of foods that make me gag and my children each have 2 foods they really hate.

I don't see 2 dislikes as unreasonable, so whenever I can I'll accomodate them by preparing a simple alternative when we have those meals.

duchy

jayII wrote: »

Granted, but if you had two children, wouldn't you try to meet both their needs and wants at least part of the time?

The OP describes 'never' having her favourite meat, while her sister had hers every other day. She also describes not eating the food at all.

Does a child with problems have the right to dictate what the whole family eats? There are a couple of foods that make me gag and my children each have 2 foods they really hate.

I don't see 2 dislikes as unreasonable, so whenever I can I'll accomodate them by preparing a simple alternative when we have those meals.

Fair enough ......but that is taking the OP at face value "I NEVER had MY favourite meal" "My Mother LEFT me at Uni" I'm not saying the OP doesn't believe what she's saying but her perception and the reality may be at odds.

I do wonder if the OP felt that her pregnancy would put her centre stage with her parents - first grandchild etc .....and she's frustrated to find that even this doesn't put her "first".

She's going to come first with her husband, first with her child ......- maybe she needs to accept that she's the one out in the big world and her sister and parents have their narrower life are more distant. No -one has it all.

shegirl

jayII wrote: »

Granted, but if you had two children, wouldn't you try to meet both their needs and wants at least part of the time?

The OP describes 'never' having her favourite meat, while her sister had hers every other day. She also describes not eating the food at all.

Does a child with problems have the right to dictate what the whole family eats? There are a couple of foods that make me gag and my children each have 2 foods they really hate.

I don't see 2 dislikes as unreasonable, so whenever I can I'll accomodate them by preparing a simple alternative when we have those meals.

If she never had her favourite meat how on earth could it possibly be her favourite?

Perhaps they couldn't afford seperate meals

Mojisola

shegirl wrote: »

If she never had her favourite meat how on earth could it possibly be her favourite?

Perhaps they couldn't afford seperate meals

It doesn't cost anything extra to give younger daughter sausages for a couple of days and the OP one of her favourites! It's still the same number of meals.

However, I don't think it's wise to get hung up over the couple of examples Shopaholic101 gave. They're just indications of many examples when she was made to feel second-best.

Although each example might sound trivial, the accumulation over the years is very damaging to a person's development.

thorsoak

The OP is the older daughter - she has forgotten that for the first few years of her life that she would have been the apple of her parents' eyes. So quite possibly there is an element of inherent older sibling jealousy that she doesn't even recognise. Quite understandable.

Her parents may well be suffering from some form of guilt - which is why they pander to every whim of their educationally-challenged daughter (she's been seen by specialists since she was 3 years old, remember). They may well be in denial as to the extent of the problems that their daughter is encountering- people often do this.

Anyway, shopaholic, just remember that this will be your baby, and you are in charge - and you choose who does and does not babysit for you! Your OH will also have a say in the matter too!

shegirl

suki1001 wrote: »

But if she's had years of this, that's going to be really difficult. All the op's needed is some recognition and appreciation in her life for being patient and it sounds like she's never had it. Yes, the parents have had to cope, but just expecting the children to get on with things and cope is unfair. She never gets time on her own with her parents, surely most parents of children with disabilities or special needs appreciate that fact.

When I've worked with some charities, children whose siblings have cancer are also recognised because the parents have to spend so much time with the other child, they're not told just to accept it, they're acknowledged too, and it's much the same principle that I'm saying too.

However, i agree, that it isn't the sister's fault and that perhaps she needs to pick a different fight - we all get annoyed at the wrong person when we're angry sometimes, it's very difficult not too, especially with siblings.

I am not basing it on my sons needs.Many kids and adults with varying special needs have issues with food.

I am throwing in an alternative perspective that may never have crossed her mind.Just like others have done.


If the op never had her favourite food she would never have decided it was her favourite.Maybe she's emphasising to herself and feeling rather than being factual.

I doubt many parents think they need to tell their adult children how proud they are of them living a normal life,as such.Maybe the op can't see it if it exists because she's too caught up in resentment for her sister?Why is it the sister she is taking it out on?Why is she annoyed by her sister being excited about being an aunt?

I think the op needs to sit and think if she feels the way she does,or talk to her mum.Ask for some alone time.