How do you "want" a second child?

Make-it-3

Why?

Lots of people plan to have two before they set out on parenthood
There's lots of negativity around "only" children
People want their child to have a sibling
Society's norm is two parents/two kids
Some women just get hooked on pregnancy/babies
Etc etc

Yes no.2 will never get that undivided attention from birth, but they won't know any different. Lots of people think its good for No.1 to learn to share attention and they will play with/entertain each other. Most parents make time to have 1:2:1 with both during their day.

That said I do understand where you are coming from. It almost seems like tempting fate sometimes to wish for a second, just as perfect, child and wonder how you would love them as much.

We are sticking at one, its the right decision for us, maybe it is for you too?

mcja

newgirly wrote: »

I agree with pigpen, I have always told my 3 that you heart grows every time you have a baby so they are all loved the same

Thats lovely!

emsywoo123

newgirly wrote: »

I agree with pigpen, I have always told my 3 that you heart grows every time you have a baby so they are all loved the same

I remember 2 weeks before I had DS (now 2) just breaking down and crying for about 3 days because I loved DD (who was then 7) so much that I truly believed in my heart of hearts that I could never love the expected baby as much! I have never worried so much about anything, and no amount of "but you will" from my family or friends would make the difference.

They were right. I do, despite "knowing" DD for 7 years longer, I love them both equally and completely. *sob*

pinkshoes

suejb2 wrote: »

O.P are you an only child and as such got all the attention? By your (ill conceived)logic as I'm the youngest of 5 I only received 20% of my mum and dad maybe you agree with China's one child policy .....you may have guessed this post has angered me.

No, I have a younger brother.

I'm not sure how my post can anger you, as it's just basic maths and logic. If you have 2 children, you can't give both of them 100% of your time. That's impossible!

pigpen

pinkshoes wrote: »

No, I have a younger brother.

I'm not sure how my post can anger you, as it's just basic maths and logic. If you have 2 children, you can't give both of them 100% of your time. That's impossible!

it is impossible to give 1 child 100% attention.. surely you shower and pee and sleep and shop and leave the room occasionally or browse online while he plays or you open your mail or read a book.. etc etc etc..

pinkshoes

newgirly wrote: »

I agree with pigpen, I have always told my 3 that you heart grows every time you have a baby so they are all loved the same

That's lovely!

I remember when my brother was born (I was 2), and apparently said to my mum that he could go home now, thinking he was one of those friends that came round to play, then the mummy would take them home. I definitely was NOT keen on having a sibling, and my brother took up a LOT of my parents attention. I remember it being incredibly frustrating having to share, only getting some attention, and rarely their full attention. As an adult I understand why now, but it's not something a 2 year old can understand.

I don't ever want DS to feel less loved.

fluffnutter

pinkshoes wrote: »

This may sound very bizarre, but how do you "want" a second child?

My son is 2, and a lot of hard work, but he's amazing, funny, and makes me smile every day.

So why do people WANT a second child if the one they have is so "perfect"? Surely you would then be missing out on stuff with child 1 if you had a second, as you would have to split yourself equally between the two and they would have to share your attention?

Also, would you then not have to "palm off" (can't think of another way to put it!) child 1 on someone else so you can then spend individual time with child 2? (Otherwise it wouldn't be fair on child 2 who would only ever get 50% attention from you).

Me and OH like the idea, maybe, of having a child one day, but as we're having so much fun with DS, we're not quite sure the reasons behind why people decide to have another.

Perhaps they want No.1 to have siblings.

Your argument seems to revolve around having to dilute your attention if you had more than one child. Does having a mother mean you love your father any less? If you're one of three or more children, does having one sibling mean you love the others any less. People aren't replaced, or pushed aside, in your affections. Your heart expands to fit in all the people you love.

Also children don't actually need to have your undivided attention 100% of the time. In fact, it's probably better for their psyches that they don't!

fluffnutter

pinkshoes wrote: »

That's lovely!

I remember when my brother was born (I was 2), and apparently said to my mum that he could go home now, thinking he was one of those friends that came round to play, then the mummy would take them home. I definitely was NOT keen on having a sibling, and my brother took up a LOT of my parents attention. I remember it being incredibly frustrating having to share, only getting some attention, and rarely their full attention. As an adult I understand why now, but it's not something a 2 year old can understand.

I don't ever want DS to feel less loved.

That's interesting and perhaps it's the root of your reluctance to have any more. As a younger child, I obviously never felt pushed aside. It would be interesting to know whether a reluctance to have more than one child is more common in older children

I don't mean to criticise your parents, pink, but this does sound like something that could have been avoided, or handled a bit better. Whilst it's pretty normal for older children to feel some sort of jealousy, it shouldn't be long-lasting if handled well by mum and dad.

Maybe, because of your own experiences, you'd be more understanding of your son's feelings and be able to bring up two children who adored each other and never competed for your affection. I can't imagine a world without my brother. I adore him, always have done. And he feels the same about me, I know.

idristhedragon

Love is not finite. Attention is to an extend but how will a child ever learn to amuse themselves if they are receiving 100% parental attention ALL the time? (as Pigpen said this is a logistical impossibility anyway) Children need to do things independently or they grow up to be nauseating little swines that cant do a THING for themselves and quite soon become the bane of any teachers life as they are so "attended to" that they want the full attention of everyone, all the time.
If you cant imagine him "sharing" mummy with a sibling how on earth do you think he'll fare in a class of 30?

I have 4 children and none of them are missing out by being in a larger family- I think the benefits of larger families outweigh any negatives tenfold. Funnily enough I also have room in my ample heart (and lap) for my childminding kids as well

suki1001

pinkshoes wrote: »

I wasn't after criticism, I was just after peoples thoughts on why they chose to have a second or subsequent children. i.e. if what you have already is "perfect", then why change?

To be fair though, I can see why people would give you critical answesr, your post does read as if to say if you have more than one child - won;t you be neglecting them in some way? If you're a parent with 2 or more children, it's a bit, well, ouch.

In answer to your question though - it's not like maths, you can't apply logic to it. How can you apply logic and maths to love? I mean, how can you love your oh and your child? Did you love your oh less when you had your child - chances are you loved him more.

Here's one reason why I had more than 1 - so they don't get lonely, because one child has to play on their own, you can't always rely on their friends. I wanted to have another child because children interact differently to adults, they like the company of other children. Mine have a whale of a time together.

You don't give them less of your time as someone else said, you do things together. I had two sisters and we played together, did things and talked to each other and this continues as long as you live.

Regarding giving them less attention - children should learn to play independently, it's good for them. If you give them all your time, they'll only learn that they can't play indepently, you have to do it with them..