Affair?

aileth

Thank you all for your input. I suppose what raises the doubt in me has he certainly hasn't been doing the phone thing all the time, I mean only past year. And the note I'm still a bit sceptical of as I know he has a notepad at his desk (call centre) and his own pc is where he accesses his shifts from so I don't understand why he'd need scrap paper.

When I ask why he doesn't answer his phone when he's sat next to me and its beeping away he just says its a text from the bank or an email and no point checking it now. I personally am paranoid and will answer my phone the second it goes as last time I didn't it was to say my sister was in hospital, so maybe I'm overreacting with that a bit.

I do trust him in terms of an affair, but have had a few hiccups where he snuck behind my back and racked up some right debt, signed up to crazy contracts to get 'free' stuff, but that was a year ago and just means I'm like a hawk on our finances now, although he was really stupid at 'hiding' it which is why I think he'd be stupid enough to put a love note I'm our bin.

I've accepted (partially) I suppose his scrap paper response for now but will be vigilant. He's going out for drinks with work colleagues this week so I suppose if he comes home smelling of perfume then that'll say a lot

splishsplash

I hate to think you now have to be 'vigilant'. What does that mean, exactly? People who are in a happy, trusting relationship do not have to be 'vigilant' or check clothing for perfume, or sneak around checking emails and internet history, or worry about when their OH is out without them.

Is this really the person you're going to become now? Don't you deserve better than that?

The trust is gone. If he's not willing to work with you to replace it, the relationship is over.

Idiophreak

warehouse wrote: »

Are there really people out there who DON'T have a password on their phones? Everyone I know does, it's called security. Don't think this is a sign OP, it's very normal. I and my wife have password protected phones and neither of would ever ask to see the others, it's a trust thing.

I've always had very modern phones and this is the first one I've ever put any kind of "password" on - and even now it's just so it's harder to unlock so it doesn't do stuff in my pocket.

I know where my phone is all the time and don't keep much personal on it, so I've never really felt the need for passwords...

I fund the "trust thing" interesting - I think half of people see it as "I trust him enough not to ask his password" and half see it as "I trust him enough to give him my password". Personally, it would never even occur to me not to tell the wifey my password - just seems like it would make life harder than it needs to be.

aileth

splishsplash wrote: »

I hate to think you now have to be 'vigilant'. What does that mean, exactly? People who are in a happy, trusting relationship do not have to be 'vigilant' or check clothing for perfume, or sneak around checking emails and internet history, or worry about when their OH is out without them.

Is this really the person you're going to become now? Don't you deserve better than that?

The trust is gone. If he's not willing to work with you to replace it, the relationship is over.

I think vigilant is a poor choice of words. I can't really think of a better one, on the ball? I know how rubbish he is at hiding lies, so I'm just going to keep an eye out for the next few weeks. I don't mean changing my behaviour or getting out a monocle and a magnifying glass! My instincts were always correct in the past when he lied about finances and debt.

I'm sure it's nothing, but it really took me by surprise, and as much as I trust him, finding a love letter in the bin took me really off guard, and especially how he immediately said it was scrap paper, changed the subject and was totally dismissive.

marisco_2

aileth wrote: »

I've accepted (partially) I suppose his scrap paper response for now but will be vigilant.

That sentence has so many contradictions in it. Basically he has fobbed you off, no doubt in a deflective manner, with an explanation you dont believe and feel uneasy about. Otherwise there would be no partial acceptance, suppose or having to be vigilant.

Feeling this way in a relationship is not normal. Happy, healthy relationships dont leave a partner feeling as you do. Not the type of relationship I would settle for any way. You deserve better than this, dont you?

aileth

marisco wrote: »

That sentence has so many contradictions in it. Basically he has fobbed you off, no doubt in a deflective manner, with an explanation you dont believe and feel uneasy about. Otherwise there would be no partial acceptance, suppose or having to be vigilant.

Feeling this way in a relationship is not normal. Happy, healthy relationships dont leave a partner feeling as you do. Not the type of relationship I would settle for any way. You deserve better than this, dont you?

No, I know, but I also feel like I shouldn't chuck everything away over something I can't prove. I wouldn't consider myself happy, nor would I consider myself unhappy. If I had to describe it in one word, it'd probably be 'drifting.' I don't think I am unhappy enough or have enough reason to get rid, but then again I'm not exactly jumping for joy. I feel pretty ambivalent about it all really.

shop-to-drop

Were they definitely his shifts on the paper or maybe 'someone elses' who wanted him to know them? If he gets his shifts off the computer why would they be handwritten on a scrap of paper?

I think you need to ask yourself if this relationship is worth trying to save. If so make a plan to do so, maybe an appointment with relate.

aileth

shop-to-drop wrote: »

Were they definitely his shifts on the paper or maybe 'someone elses' who wanted him to know them? If he gets his shifts off the computer why would they be handwritten on a scrap of paper?

I think you need to ask yourself if this relationship is worth trying to save. If so make a plan to do so, maybe an appointment with relate.

Yes I checked the times of the shifts and they were his, his writing, and he can't print them off the PC, he has to write them down (Primitive billion dollar company!)

bryanb

An affair without doubt!

Idiophreak

bryanb wrote: »

An affair without doubt!

Shame you didn't come along earlier. This could have been a much shorter thread.