Affair?

LEJC

Can I just ask a question to the OP...you say its taken this to snap you out of your complacency....if your husband sits down this evening with a stack of "recyled" paper hearts that hes cobbled together with the help of a few work mates this afternoon because you wanted proof of the scraps of paper...what difference will that make to how you feel now?...will you believe him because he has managed to produce what you have asked him to...

I do admit that his behaviour does seem distant,but also you openly admit that yours may been too...and to me the way i see the way forward is not by asking him to prove whats happened in the past but by telling you where he sees you as a couple in the future...

G_Model101

Admittedly, I haven't read all 8 pages of this...but surely even if he did get a valentines card from someone else...it doesn't mean that he's having an affair.

It does sound like you need to get a few issues out into the open though. Good luck

aileth

LEJC wrote: »

Can I just ask a question to the OP...you say its taken this to snap you out of your complacency....if your husband sits down this evening with a stack of "recyled" paper hearts that hes cobbled together with the help of a few work mates this afternoon because you wanted proof of the scraps of paper...what difference will that make to how you feel now?...will you believe him because he has managed to produce what you have asked him to...

I do admit that his behaviour does seem distant,but also you openly admit that yours may been too...and to me the way i see the way forward is not by asking him to prove whats happened in the past but by telling you where he sees you as a couple in the future...

Well, that'd be a double whammy as he has told me time and time again that he hates his job and he hates the people he works with and they don't like him, so if he got them to do that for him, my, my.

I suppose it'd put my mind at ease as regards to an affair, but if he brung paper home now after telling me it's all been binned then he is winging it with work colleagues. Regardless of whether he is or is not, I'm fed up of going along the lazy river and then every few months something jumping up.

I'd love to be able to actually sit down and talk to him. Unfortunately, he hates any sort of confrontation, no matter how relaxed, laid back it is. I've tried getting angry, I've tried being reasonable, I've tried being calm. He will just leave the house whatever for hours. It's got to the point where I'm actually afraid to talk to him and have gone for the 'easy life' and like I said been complacent. It is literally taking all of my courage to take him aside for a talk tonight and I have to find out ways so he can't leave the house and he has to talk to me.

I also know for a fact I will be doing 99% of the talking as whenever I try and discuss issues in our marriage he just sits there in silent. I ask for his input and he just doesn't respond, completely clams up. It's like talking to a wall. I will sit and wait for an answer (record is 10 minutes in silence) and then it'll be something vague like, "I suppose."

colindavings1983

I wouldn't worry about it to be honest. It's easy to start panicking yourself over something that in reality probably has little if any importance to him. Just ask him straight-up, i'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation

harrys_nan

All I will say to you is
Trust your instinct, I always knew when my ex's played away, cant tell you how, I just did.
If you think something isn't right then that gut feeling is correct.
I hope things work out for you, whatever you want, it's a tough time x

CH27

aileth wrote: »

Well, that'd be a double whammy as he has told me time and time again that he hates his job and he hates the people he works with and they don't like him, so if he got them to do that for him, my, my.

I suppose it'd put my mind at ease as regards to an affair, but if he brung paper home now after telling me it's all been binned then he is winging it with work colleagues. Regardless of whether he is or is not, I'm fed up of going along the lazy river and then every few months something jumping up.

I'd love to be able to actually sit down and talk to him. Unfortunately, he hates any sort of confrontation, no matter how relaxed, laid back it is. I've tried getting angry, I've tried being reasonable, I've tried being calm. He will just leave the house whatever for hours. It's got to the point where I'm actually afraid to talk to him and have gone for the 'easy life' and like I said been complacent. It is literally taking all of my courage to take him aside for a talk tonight and I have to find out ways so he can't leave the house and he has to talk to me.

I also know for a fact I will be doing 99% of the talking as whenever I try and discuss issues in our marriage he just sits there in silent. I ask for his input and he just doesn't respond, completely clams up. It's like talking to a wall. I will sit and wait for an answer (record is 10 minutes in silence) and then it'll be something vague like, "I suppose."

Have you ever tried writing down what you want to say to him & giving him time to read & digest before talking it over?

aileth

CH27 wrote: »

Have you ever tried writing down what you want to say to him & giving him time to read & digest before talking it over?

No I haven't. That's a very good idea

G_Model101

aileth wrote: »

Well, that'd be a double whammy as he has told me time and time again that he hates his job and he hates the people he works with and they don't like him, so if he got them to do that for him, my, my.

I suppose it'd put my mind at ease as regards to an affair, but if he brung paper home now after telling me it's all been binned then he is winging it with work colleagues. Regardless of whether he is or is not, I'm fed up of going along the lazy river and then every few months something jumping up.

I'd love to be able to actually sit down and talk to him. Unfortunately, he hates any sort of confrontation, no matter how relaxed, laid back it is. I've tried getting angry, I've tried being reasonable, I've tried being calm. He will just leave the house whatever for hours. It's got to the point where I'm actually afraid to talk to him and have gone for the 'easy life' and like I said been complacent. It is literally taking all of my courage to take him aside for a talk tonight and I have to find out ways so he can't leave the house and he has to talk to me.

I also know for a fact I will be doing 99% of the talking as whenever I try and discuss issues in our marriage he just sits there in silent. I ask for his input and he just doesn't respond, completely clams up. It's like talking to a wall. I will sit and wait for an answer (record is 10 minutes in silence) and then it'll be something vague like, "I suppose."

It doesn't have to be a confrontation. Maybe write him a letter and leave it for him to read?
If these issues have been going on for a long time, then they aren't going to be solved with one conversation in one evening...

LEJC

Sorry if ive been presumptious with my postings but it does seem as if your problems as a couple are a bit more deep rooted than you finding the paper you did yesterday...

you seem quite resentful of him and to be honest iof he isnt having an affair now...if the situation of you not trusting him and neither of you communuicating continues it wont be long before he does embark on an affair.....is that what you honestly want?....because thats the way its going to go if you both dont address your issues

I do wish you luck but until you can both confront the problems you have and discuss them the situation will not improve for either of you

SavingPennies_2

Sorry for being negative but I cannot believe how many people are excusing and dismissing this. every post the OP has written screams affair!
Honestly what are the chances that he just happend to write his shifts down on a piece of paper with a love note on, and the heart was on the same side so its not like he couldnt miss it.
The whole thing with the phone is soo suspicious too, keeping it locked plus never leaving his side plus never answering it in front of you = suspicious.