Awkward situation with a friend

victory

Exactly what jox says and more....

Look at the points....

You had a friend, she would try to belittle you in your parental skills

You had a friend , she took to calling you some awful names

You had a friend that was consumed with jealousy through no fault of yours.

You had a friend that after her behaviour, not once did she think of you, regret her actions, back down and profusely apologise for her terrible rant.

You had a friend that put all her negative feelings on you and walked away without communication for two years

You had a friend that after 2 years not once taking your hurt feelings into consideration , got back in touch and asked for money:eek:

Where is the respect/ love/ mutual care and friendship in the above?

Tiglath

If she's able to ignore you, she would be more than able to ignore any repayment plan as well. Don't go down that route. It sounds to me like a mass text and she may even have forgotten your number was in her contacts, in which case she might be mortified if you respond in any way. Just ignore and delete.

Macca83_2

Think of it this way. You decide to help the lady (not saying that you should) she goes for treatment, it fails. She asks you for more money. At this point do you help out again? Where does the line get drawn? Imagine how much more difficult it'll be to turn her down. If you do turn her down she's gonna turn on you again. It'll be your fault that she can't conceive and if you thought her initial rant was nasty then you can be damm sure that this one will be ten times worse.
She's handed you a stick of dynamite. If you decide to help her then id get ready for the inevitable explosion

koalamummy

Thank you everybody for replying. You have all helped by giving an alternative perspective on the situation. We had been friends since we started primary school over 30 years ago, and if I am being totally honest I never totally accepted that our friendship has ended as it seemed such an odd thing to me to cut off contact over. I just hoped she would calm down and get back in touch in her own time.

I didn't realise that you could send mass texts and assumed it was sent only to me as it was written in the style she always used and seemed very personal, like the last two years hadn't happened. I also assumed that it was meant just for me as historically I have always been the person she has gone to to help solve her problems.

My pregnancies were difficult as I am diabetic and suffered from hyperemesis from conception to delivery which resulted in me being admitted to hospital quite often so my problems were pretty self evident. I was too grateful that my babies were growing and developing mostly as they should to complain. Two of my children were pre term but again I was just thankful that they were actually alive so did not have anything to complain about.

I know almost nothing about IVF as I only know 1 person who has gone through it and her first attempt was successful which I stupidly assumed was normal. I hadn't considered failure and the implications of that at all.

I know what I should do next the problem is that I don't want to.

getmore4less

Sent £1.04 saying it needs to be repaid at a 1p a week

(See if she get the connection to 2 years of Silence)

balletshoes

koalamummy wrote: »

Thank you. Whereas she knows my second child took many years to conceive I really do appreciate that it hurts when somebody else has 3x over the one thing you really want.

My big problem is that I am, and she knows it, a ridiculous saver. I have bank accounts for everything and always have done. My teenage sons driving lesson fund is non negotiable, however I also have one for my two younger children aged 4 and 19 months.

its all non-negotiable as far as this woman is concerned - she doesn't miss you, she only got in touch with you because she wants your money. You said it yourself - she has more than let you down. End of story, don't let her do it again and take your money too. If you're even remotely considering doing this, think first - no matter how good a friend/close relative you're lending money to, don't do it unless you're happy never to see it again.

balletshoes

koalamummy wrote: »

Thank you, I have no real knowledge of how you felt when you cut contact as have never been in this situation. However if you are able to I would really appreciate some pointers on how to re establish decent contact.

I have no issue with lending, or if it came to it, paying for treatment. Nonetheless I would like a bit more contact than a random text before I commited.

what? seriously, its been more than 2 years since your "friend" ranted at you, stopped contact with you, and you'd still take money that you have earmarked for your children and give it to her? She's not you friend, she's really not your friend.

FBaby

Nicki wrote: »

OP - you said that all 3 of your pregnancies were "difficult". Did you share those difficulties with the friend.

It is hard to see friends conceive and give birth and conceive again while you still struggle to get off the blocks. It is 100 x harder when said friends complain how hard their pregnancies are, how much morning sickness they are having, etc whilst you would give your right arm to be in their shoes.

I've suffered from infertility in the past. I've never screamed and shouted at a pregnant friend, but would certainly have been upset and cut contact if a friend who knew I was struggling with infertility started to complain about pregnancy to me. (Though I wouldn't re-open it with a request for money 2 years later!)

I totally agree with this. Having myself gone through one of the most emotional upheaval desperate to conceive without success, I can confirm that it does for many lead to complete mental meltdown and make you become someone who is not you, who you don't like, but there is little more desperation in the world than one to become a mother and seeing those close to you succeeding easily at what you can't get, not once but three times, and then having to listen to them express their complaints can turn you in a very selfish, self-centered person.

Unfortunately, it is fair to say that unless you have been there yourself, it is almost impossible to truly understand the extreme emotions infertility brings upon you. I have been on both sides and indeed, however compassionate I think I am, it isn't until I experienced myself that I really understood the pain.

It sounds to me that your friend is still in most desperate mode, so desperate that she doesn't care the effect of her request, but looks at it that the more she can receive, the closer it takes her to her dream. If you say no, she will have lost nothing, if you say yes, well, no matter how little it will help her.

My advice is to look at it in the grand scheme of things. You say she was a very close friend. Do you trust that she has been a crap friend for the past few years because of her fertility issues? Do you trust that if she could be pregnant, she could go back to being the person she was before? Are you prepared to help her just because you believe in your friendship despite the breakdown through this issue, and so, you have it in you to give it to her expecting nothing back, just hoping that it will work for her and that maybe, some day soon, you could rekindle your friendship? If she is a good person, it is likely that she would be very touched by your gesture, especially as she probably doesn't expect anything from you despite her request.

If I were in your shoes, assuming that you were indeed very close before the baby issue, I would give something, to show that despite it all, you do care, something that you could afford and hope that it works and her becoming a mother brings her back, but that's me guessing how messed up her head might be at the moment and how it is affecting the way she currently behaves having faced these feelings.

FBaby

Just to add, I would DEFINITELY not pay for the full treatment. That is not for you to do. If you do agree to help, it will have to be with you expecting nothing in return, just hoping. If you pay for the treatment, she then owes you something back and that is not how you would want to evolve your relationship. And what if it doesn't work, do you pay again for another go? With what expectation this time?

If you can afford to pay for the full treatment, i would offer no more than £100. That's already a lot of money as a gesture from someone she has avoided for two years.

balletshoes

fluffnutter wrote: »

OP, steer clear of this woman. She will cause you trouble.

Having read your replies on this thread so far koalamummy, I agree - this "friend" sounds like she can manipulate you to her own ends quite easily, she'll have all your money off you and you won't see it (or her) again, until the next time she needs bank of koalamummy. Thats not a friend, in fact she sounds a dangerous person for you to be in contact with.

I wouldn't reply to the text, as it will probably invoke a reply from her, and then you're only a stroll down to the bank away from handing over your dosh.