Awkward situation with a friend

nottslass_2

Gavin83 wrote: »

The story about "realising what the problem is and next time the IVF will work" - it's crap. She just wants another go.
.

I agree,IVF is still not a miracle cure for infertility and the reality is that it probably wont be successful for your "friend".

IVF success rates are still only 25 % leaving a 75 % chance that even if you did pay for the treatment it wont work,so please do not feel as her fate is in her hands !!1

I too Needed IVF ,but how ever desperate I was (and believe me I was desperate) I would never,ever have put a friend in that position - using emotional blackmail & using people for her own gain is simply not on and more's the point what sort of mother would this woman really make ?

Saturnalia

barbiedoll wrote: »

I can understand the desperation of the childless but let's face it, until a few years ago, there was no treatment available but childless women didn't all go mad with grief, they got on with their lives.

A bit off topic but that above has made me think.

If you lived in the days where there was no fertility treatment, might it have been somehow easier to accept in a way? I've no doubt childless couples grieved for the family & the life they wanted, but if the diagnosis were final, the couple would have no choice but to get through the grief and try to get on with their lives as best they could.

Whereas if IVF doesn't work the first time, it's a repeated rollercoaster of getting your hopes up and getting them smashed again, all the time knowing that at some point you'll run out of NHS funding or your own money, and then you'll have to stop trying for ever. Wouldn't that mean you'd get your hopes up each time that this might be the cycle where you get a baby, and then having to go through the grief all over again?

I can't imagine what sort of emotional toll that must take.

meritaten

I hope Koalamummy has prepared in her mind her response for when her exfriend makes contact again. Also, that she really must get it straight in her head that she did not cause this situation! That her exfriend really IS an exfriend and is best now avoided! What a toxic woman! I have every sympathy for childless couples and those on the IVF route - but have no sympathy at all for someone who is verbally abusive through jealousy, cannot resist making snide remarks to make someone feel bad, is prepared to use emotional blackmail to obtain money and involves thier mother to help put pressure on! If she had been doing all this just to get her hands on the money to spend on holidays or jewellery, everyone would be saying 'get the police involved'! but because its to have another round of IVF she gets to play the sympathy card!
Sorry, I know I sound harsh - but its how I cant help thinking of it!

I hope you have had a better day today Koalamummy!!!!

busiscoming2

Koalamummy, you have nothing to blame yourself for. Can you just block her number and have nothing more to do with her or her mother?

koalamummy

Thank you everybody for all the help and support you have given to me, it means a lot to me and I appreciate more than I could ever put into words.

I have received no contact today whatsoever which is a good thing as I still haven't got my response totally sorted. Despite everything I don't want to be unpleasant or unsympathetic, as despite all your better judgement I just can't get rid of that horrible feeling that I will be crushing somebody's hopes.

I had a lovely day with the children today planting vegetable seeds. They should all be about fully grown for when my DH gets home. Odd as it sounds his diet is atrocious when he is away and we thought he might like some home grown fresh veg when he gets back.

meritaten

koalamummy - her hopes are NOT your responsibility! you dont want to lend her the money (at least thats the feeling I have), and that is entirely all right to decide. honestly hun, that money is earmarked for other things and is YOUR security blanket! it isnt HERS! she has no godgiven right to expect it!
now, how to let her down as gently as possible? simply say you are sorry, but even if you had the money you cannot lend her any. no reason - just a bald statement of fact! if she asks why then I guess the best thing to say would be the same as if she was a best friend still and asking 'Sorry, but I cannot lend it to you as I dont feel right about it'. if she presses you then just keep repeating 'No, sorry'!
this sounds silly but it works - 'Practice it'! look in the mirror and practice saying these phrases - until they roll off your tongue!
or just text her and say 'sorry - ive thought about it and wont lend you money' then immediately block her number.

oh he wont be back until the summer then? long tour hun, tough on everyone!
yes I do believe it about army food - had a nephew and cousin in the same regiment and boy did they eat when on leave!

koalamummy

meritaten wrote: »

oh he wont be back until the summer then? long tour hun, tough on everyone!
yes I do believe it about army food - had a nephew and cousin in the same regiment and boy did they eat when on leave!

They are always long unfortunately. My two boys had a conference this morning and approached me with the idea which I thought was lovely. So we went seed shopping and managed to convert our dining room into a giant potting shed with compost and seed trays everywhere! We at least have plenty of time to start over if it all goes wrong :rotfl:

victory

koala sometimes threads leave a lasting impression, this one did for me and I can feel the love you have for your kids and family, it's really great.

I know you are going to have a great full of love life:D

Just please never think for one second you are responsible for crushing her hopes, if she was a nicer person she would have had some more genuine heart felt help, she made herself who she is, not you

victory

nickj wrote: »

if she needs to borrow money to pay for her treatment , how is she going to pay for tyhe child's upbringing .

In no way whatsoever am I defending the ex friend but when I had my kids I never had ££££ in the bank/ upfront to have them with, somehow though one manages

an9i77

Saturnalia wrote: »

A bit off topic but that above has made me think.

If you lived in the days where there was no fertility treatment, might it have been somehow easier to accept in a way? I've no doubt childless couples grieved for the family & the life they wanted, but if the diagnosis were final, the couple would have no choice but to get through the grief and try to get on with their lives as best they could.

Whereas if IVF doesn't work the first time, it's a repeated rollercoaster of getting your hopes up and getting them smashed again, all the time knowing that at some point you'll run out of NHS funding or your own money, and then you'll have to stop trying for ever. Wouldn't that mean you'd get your hopes up each time that this might be the cycle where you get a baby, and then having to go through the grief all over again?

I can't imagine what sort of emotional toll that must take.

In the days before IVF it was much easier to adopt, a lot of single mothers were coerced into giving their babies up for adoption shortly after birth, so I reckon a lot of infertile couples did that. Now you can still adopt of course, but it is a lengthy process and the chances of getting a baby are very slim indeed.