Awkward situation with a friend

mountainofdebt

Oh Koala I'm so sorry to have been right - and what a mare.

Do you know what I would do? I would write her a letter saying that whilst you may have seemed to have the 'Walton' family (does that exist in the real world?) you've had your fair share of ups and downs, and that you were shocked, upset when she had her initial rant 2 yrs ago but was pleased when she got in contact as you genuinely wanted to renew your friendship but was more than hurt when you realised she saw you nothng more than a cash cow.

I would hand write it as it has more meaning than a typed letter, arrange to met her,let her get there first, hand her the letter and just say goodbye as I turned and walked away.

But you are probably a much nicer person than me!

koalamummy

I certainly don't hate this woman either. I am galled that she felt the need to pretend that she wanted to be friends again though. I am nearly 40 and moved beyond needing everybody to like me a long time ago. She has known me long enough and should have known me well enough to know that if she had been totally honest with me about everything including the fact that I was effectively her last chance saloon and no more then I would most probably have helped her anyway. There would have no requirement for a pretence at friendship.

meritaten

koalamummy wrote: »

I certainly don't hate this woman either. I am galled that she felt the need to pretend that she wanted to be friends again though. I am nearly 40 and moved beyond needing everybody to like me a long time ago. She has known me long enough and should have known me well enough to know that if she had been totally honest with me about everything including the fact that I was effectively her last chance saloon and no more then I would most probably have helped her anyway. There would have no requirement for a pretence at friendship.

She did know this koala hunny. Unfortunately, she didnt count on the fact that you had 'grown up', was older and wiser and wasnt the malleable person you used to be. She thought she could 'bamboozle' you.
honestly, I am so proud of you! you saw through her and wasnt going to be 'used'! not even in the light of past friendship!

meritaten

There is something which has been niggling me since about half way through this thread (but I didnt want to bring it up before), and that is....You havent mentioned your exfriends husband. It is almost as if he doesnt exist! and at the lunch - it was her MUM her phoned her, where is HE in all this? or is it an alternative relationship or she is going it alone? sorry, but, I DO have to ask!

koalamummy

meritaten wrote: »

There is something which has been niggling me since about half way through this thread (but I didnt want to bring it up before), and that is....You havent mentioned your exfriends husband. It is almost as if he doesnt exist! and at the lunch - it was her MUM her phoned her, where is HE in all this? or is it an alternative relationship or she is going it alone? sorry, but, I DO have to ask!

I actually don't know what his stance on all of this is. He is a very different personality type though, shy and quiet and almost withdrawn but also quite a proud man to the point where he comes across as a bit aloof. I am a bit surprised that he has gone along with this as in the past he was always the type who would endure any suffering rather than ask for help.

I have never really understood the relationship she has with her mum, they are extremely close and behave in a way that I would consider more like siblings than mother/daughter. But that is only based on my personal family experience which is very different.

meritaten

koalamummy wrote: »

I actually don't know what his stance on all of this is. He is a very different personality type though, shy and quiet and almost withdrawn but also quite a proud man to the point where he comes across as a bit aloof. I am a bit surprised that he has gone along with this as in the past he was always the type who would endure any suffering rather than ask for help.

I have never really understood the relationship she has with her mum, they are extremely close and behave in a way that I would consider more like siblings than mother/daughter. But that is only based on my personal family experience which is very different.

I was asking as it is two years since you last had contact and the marraige may have failed - and that was the reason she needed money and it was her mum who seemed to be her support. she may have decided to go an alternative route.
I doubt this man would go along with this from what you say.
I just found it a bit strange that her husband was never mentioned.

koalamummy

From our interaction today I am certain that he is still very much in the picture. Sorry I thought that I mentioned she says she avoids his family events now wherever possible as his brother and sister both now have very young children and she finds it hard to be surrounded by them. I am assuming maybe wrongly that he is going along with whatever she tries in order to try and make her happy, or at least happier.

She is an only child and her mum has been all but demanding grandchildren since our final semester at university despite my friends then absolute lack of maternal desire.

KxMx

Gosh she is lucky, I am years away from nieces and nephews!! If I can't have my own then I certainly cannot wait to be an auntie. My dearest wish. My only brother is 30 this year with a serious girlfriend but think I am going to be waiting a while lol.

bestpud

Have you thought through a response if she does call later in the week? Sounds as though she might.

She may even turn up on your doorstep if she's that desperate.

heretolearn_2

Koala,

I'm not sure how to phrase this not to make you feel worse.

So firstly, honey, you sound like a lovely, kind, caring person. Someone many of us would love to have as a friend. Your life is far from 'perfect' - you have three children (at least one with on going health problems) and an OH whose work keeps him away from home a lot of the time so you have to cope alone. And you do cope. You are in many ways a strong person.

Yet, there are things you have said in this thread that concern me. I'm not trying to play amateur psychiatrist here, but I think you need to have a good think about your responses to other people. Your reaction to her telling you about the 'Walton' family thing was to say you are a gloating cow. When she and her mother arranged to set you up and manipulate you your reaction is "trying to work out where it all went so wrong and what I could have done to cause it."

Why do you need to blame yourself for other people's nastiness? You seem to feel you deserve or have caused it in some way. You remind me of abused women who feel they caused the problem or deserve it. Abusers classically make their victims feel that it is the victims fault.

Think about this. Do you have low self esteem? Are there experiences in your past that contribute to your feeling this way in reaction to people abusing you? If there are, that is still not 'your fault' - but you can recognise it and do something to stop it effecting you in future.

You are not responsible for other people's lives, or for the way they try to treat you. You are responsible for your reaction to them - and if you are allowing nasty people (and she is, despite your sympathy for her situation) to manipulate you emotionally, then you have a little bit of a problem yourself. You shouldn't be suffering all this angst over someone else's problem, or wondering what you have done to cause their awful behaviour. You have done nothing to cause it.

Have a good think about this.

And on the practical side - don't speak to her again. As you've told her to call (and I 100% understand why you said that at the time!) then if I were you I'd now text her something along the lines of 'I've thought about our meeting and I have decided that I am unable to assist you financially, and do not wish to resume our friendship. Good luck, but please do not contact me again'. And I'd ask OH to knock off the on-line friendship. You need these toxic people completely out of your life.