Awkward situation with a friend

koalamummy

victory wrote: »

koala sometimes threads leave a lasting impression, this one did for me and I can feel the love you have for your kids and family, it's really great.

I know you are going to have a great full of love life:D

Just please never think for one second you are responsible for crushing her hopes, if she was a nicer person she would have had some more genuine heart felt help, she made herself who she is, not you

I just look for good times wherever I can, it helps balance out the bad ones and make them more bearable. It was actually great fun today, watching the amazement on my younger sons face when I tried explaining how seeds grow into plants while trying to stop my daughter eating them instead of planting and making sure my teenage son was at least finding it bearable, (he is at the stage where he is just to cool to be enjoying himself, or so he likes to pretend anyway!). Also I never want my children dragged down by how I am feeling about anything, yes I feel rubbish today but that is absolutely not their responsibility to bear.

Lilith1980

koalamummy wrote: »

yes I feel rubbish today but that is absolutely not their responsibility to bear.

Hi OP, now apply this logic to your own situation and to that of your 'friend'. SHE felt carp at not being able to have kids, but that was how SHE felt and it was not YOUR responsibility to bear, and it still isn't.

It sounds like her mum is really controlling and they sound like they have a rather intense relationship. I wonder how much of this pressure to have children is from her mum, rather than a desire within herself. Maybe she feels a disappointment to her mother?

Anyway, that doesn't matter, because it is NOT your responsibility.

I think in some ways, meeting her was the best thing to do because you got to see her (and her mum) for what they really are and the real reason for her getting in touch with you.

If she had been a real friend to you and not cut you off 2 years ago, then maybe things would be different now. But that is HER responsibility to take - let her have it and stop carrying it for her x

Jox

KM, how about putting the money in an account that you can't touch for 1 year, or 3 years or even 5 years, then it won't be easily accessible and the choice will be out of your hands....

I understand you feeling sorry for your friend and it would be different if you two had a great relationship over the past 2 years, then of course you could "give" the money with a happy heart, but the circumstances of the rant and then ignoring you for 2 years, comparing your family to the Waltons as if that's a bad thing, the emotional blackmail, the mum calling... well it sticks in the throat really.

She's exhausted all financial borrowing so probably has tons to pay back and interest, "everyone else" has given her money, she works til 9pm, she's a bitter, jealous sort of person....have no guilt, your financial contribution isn't guaranteed to bring happiness at all.

You are practically a single parent for months and months at a time, you have 3 children, your main obligation is to your husband and 3 children, for now and the future.

You are doing a damn fine job of holding it all together, despite how you may feel sometimes, if your family is looking like the Waltons (goodnight John-boy!) then it suggests a family that is a tight unit, with the typical ups and downs of any family but generally a cheerful group of people!

If you didn't have the money then no problem, so maybe by hiding it from yourself, you can genuinely say you can't release the funds xx

tesuhoha

After reading this I just think its very sad, not for her but for you.

I'm wondering if part of the resentment is not just because of the children, but of your money too. It might also be your husband that she covets. In fact your whole lifestyle makes her envious. I am kind of guessing this because of the remark she made about the restaurant.

There is also a certain type of manipulative person that is drawn towards someone with money who they think is a bit of a soft touch. Do you know for sure that she wants the money for IVF?

If you haven't already done so, please for your own sake toughen up and do the following 4 things:

Immediately inform your husband of what has been going on.

Don't contact her again.

The third thing is if she contacts you. Introduce the word no into your vocabulary. No is a wonderful word. Once you have said it you will wonder why you have never said it before.

Finally, the fantastic idea Jox suggested - put all of the money you are tempted to lend into a high interest bond where it cannot be touched for a year or more.(And you will earn more interest.) That way, if she comes on strong and you feel you cannot refuse then you won't physically be able to touch that money. Good luck.

Mojisola

Jox wrote: »

If you didn't have the money then no problem, so maybe by hiding it from yourself, you can genuinely say you can't release the funds

I don't see why koalamummy has to give any kind of reason why she's not going to give money to her ex-friend.

She's asked for money; km has said no. End of story.

tesuhoha

Mojisola wrote: »

I don't see why koalamummy has to give any kind of reason why she's not going to give money to her ex-friend.

She's asked for money; km has said no. End of story.

I think there is a good reason why km should put her money away and that is because throughout this thread she has constantly wavered about giving it to her. If the 'friend' comes back she could still possibly be persuaded.

She also said in her second last post that she hadn't got her response totally sorted. So she might be saving herself from herself if you get my drift.

Jox

KM hasn't really said no in a final way yet and she has a big heart and would be willing to give the money to bring happiness to a friend....I would give everything I have to another to make them happy as I'm a bit of soft touch, I've been manipulated and used for money in the past, it's not a nice feeling..

mudgekin

I am childless and not through choice. I was an only child and my mom also had problems conceiving over 50 years ago. I am sure that deep in her heart she would have loved grandchildren to spoil and to lavish love on but it wasn't to be.

I remember sitting in tears one night and her words to me were that if I didn't have them to laugh over then I wouldn't cry over them and that was her mother that had told her this when she was upset about being childless. Does it make it easier, not really and I felt it harder when she was dying and I remember crying my eyes out that I had been unable to give her what I know she would have loved. never did she ever blame me for this though, that was just how I felt.

Is it the end of the world, no it isn't. In many ways it has made DH and I closer. Your money is your nest egg. Your savings for whatever your family need. Imagine how you would feel if you lent her this money, and then something came about that your DH or your childern desperately neded this for. How would you feel.

You sound as though you have a fantastic family, so much love and joy. Do not give this toxic person any of your hard earned cash. Think of what your DH does to earn that money, think of the sacrifices you make by not having him there day in and day out.

Stop letting her guilt you into it. She is not your responisbility nor is her fertility. FGS she didn't speak to you for so long and now she sees you as her own personal lending institution. Do what the banks do for a poor credit risk, say no.

Lilith1980

Hi OP, I think someone else already commented on here about why you feel her happiness is your responsibility?

I do think that the things she has said to put the guilt trip on you have been awful, however, no one can make anyone else feel bad. You are making yourself feel bad so I wonder if it would be worth you looking at that and asking yourself why you are beating yourself up over this?

Is it because deep down you would have loved to have had the friendship back to how it was? Do you think that giving her the money would do that? I certainly don't think it will to be honest.

You have been beating yourself up far too much over someone else's emotional/financial issues. If you could find out the reason why, it might help you stand firm in the face of any more pressure x

Mojisola

Jox wrote: »

KM, how about putting the money in an account that you can't touch for 1 year, or 3 years or even 5 years, then it won't be easily accessible and the choice will be out of your hands....

If you didn't have the money then no problem, so maybe by hiding it from yourself, you can genuinely say you can't release the funds xx

Jox wrote: »

KM hasn't really said no in a final way yet and she has a big heart and would be willing to give the money to bring happiness to a friend.

I could understand if KM put the money away so that she can't be manipulated into giving it to this woman but if she uses its unavailability as an excuse it will say to the friend - I would if I could - which is a bad message to send.

Difference emphasis but very important to stop her coming back again and again.