Awkward situation with a friend

Yorkie1

Good luck with the phone call koala, hope you get a clear sense of what you feel is right for you to do.

If you are still minded to consider her request if / after you've had a good chat with her, perhaps don't make any commitments or raise any hopes on the phone, but say you'll need to discuss it with your OH first as it is, after all, joint finances. You should get a decent idea of where her priorities lie from her response to that suggestion.

If you don't feel inclined to help her out once you've got a feel for where she's coming from, then there is absolutely no need to be pressured into doing so. It is a lot of money and you have no duty to assist.

exarmydreamer

Might be worth not mentioning how much money you have in savings, and don't feel obliged to give her anything. Ask yourself, would you phone her after 2 yrs to ask to borrow money. Does she know that you are a saver and are cautious with money, she might be just trying it on to see what she can get out of you.

Good luck and take a deep breath.

koalamummy

Yorkie1 wrote: »

Good luck with the phone call koala, hope you get a clear sense of what you feel is right for you to do.

If you are still minded to consider her request if / after you've had a good chat with her, perhaps don't make any commitments or raise any hopes on the phone, but say you'll need to discuss it with your OH first as it is, after all, joint finances. You should get a decent idea of where her priorities lie from her response to that suggestion.

If you don't feel inclined to help her out once you've got a feel for where she's coming from, then there is absolutely no need to be pressured into doing so. It is a lot of money and you have no duty to assist.

Thank you. I have already got myself into a ridiculous state with worrying about how it is going to go. I more than anything want it to go well and leave us both happy but am more than a bit concerned that this may not be the end result.

koalamummy

exarmydreamer wrote: »

Might be worth not mentioning how much money you have in savings, and don't feel obliged to give her anything. Ask yourself, would you phone her after 2 yrs to ask to borrow money. Does she know that you are a saver and are cautious with money, she might be just trying it on to see what she can get out of you.

Good luck and take a deep breath.

Yes everybody who knows me knows about my squirrelling ways. It is a bit of a standing joke now dating from my university days. I was so skint it was not funny, most months I barely had enough for rent and bills never mind food and I always swore that I would never ever be in that position again. Since graduating I have saved constantly as I never want to be back in the position where I am terrified of on screen balances.

fluffnutter

koalamummy wrote: »

Thank you. I have already got myself into a ridiculous state with worrying about how it is going to go. I more than anything want it to go well and leave us both happy but am more than a bit concerned that this may not be the end result.

Why do you feel responsible for her happiness?

meritaten

oh koalamummy - I wish I could come and hold your hand while ex-friend is there! honestly hun, you are such a sweetie I am scared for you!
you have almost total agreement on here that you should not lend her the money! thats unusual for this board!
You have a get out of trouble card - 'My OH is away and I could never lend our money without his agreement' if friend gets pushy! if feeling pressured just keep saying this!
if friend wants to apologise and just catch up - Thats fantastic and I wish you both well! Good luck koalamummy!

mountainofdebt

meritaten wrote: »

if friend wants to apologise and just catch up - Thats fantastic and I wish you both well! Good luck koalamummy!

Sorry but the bovine in me says that the time to apologise was about 2 years ago.....and what's the betting that if she did apologise then she would be playing a waiting game....apologise now, and then 4 months later hit the OP with a request for money

fluffnutter

Come on, koalamummy! You are just too nice! She was mean to you, she's ignored you for two years, she's got the audacity to make an astonishing request completely out of the blue via a text message and you're considering lending, or even giving, her many thousands of pounds!

Have a word, lovey. Really, have a word with yourself

poet123

I told the story about my friend, and I was truly sorry when I found out why she did what she did, but I have thought about what I would have done in your position. I think I would have texted back to say I was so happy she had contacted me and that I very much wanted to mend fences and put our friendship back on course but that I was sorry but I could not make a financial contribution. I would have asked her to get in touch and arrange a meet up and said that I wanted to be there for her as emotional and physical support during what was obviously a tough time for her.

I would do this to ascertain her real motive; friendship or the extraction of money. If, once we had met (if that happened after the above messages) I felt I wanted to help financially then that could be done later safe in the knowledge that she valued your friendship as well as your money.

You clearly have a good heart, don't let that goodness be exploited, protect yourself both emotionally and financially.

victory

fluffnutter wrote: »

Why do you feel responsible for her happiness?

Good question. Your ex friend is a grown woman , you owe her nothing, especially your money.

Everyone had to make their own way, sponging off an ex friend who happens to be a saver is not acceptable behaviour