Awkward situation with a friend

CH27

mountainofdebt wrote: »

well there's your get out clause (if you needed one!)

You can tell her that you and your OH never lend money to others unless you've discussed first and whilst he's overseas you have no intention of having that conversation in the brief time you have on the phone

Excellent advice.

Mrs_Boo_Boo

Your so called 'friend' is out of order. Two years without contact is not a good friend. I have a very good friend who I may see in person once a year,but we still text each other most weeks. We always pick up as we left when we see each other.

Thank you for those ladies who have mentioned the elephant in the room. From experience infertility does turn you into an evil,bitter cow who you don't recognise as yourself. After 3 years of 2 failed IVF attempts I am just about coming to terms with it,although it can take me by surprise, especially when someone new asks if I have children. Imagine not being able to drive past a school,walk through the baby products isle of a supermarket or watch baby milk adverts on the TV? It's that bad and more. That's the irrational bit,but the rational side has to just get on with it and put a brave face on for friends who are lucky enough to have children. It's a fact of life and I never made it known to them,why should I? it's not their fault and if I was in their shoes I would be same. Glad I'm not alone.

Erinnire

it's not ridiculous, you haven't spoken to this person in years and considering the bad terms she left it at, it is not surprising you are nervous.

I do think that you need to make a decision for right now though, even if in your mind it is "Not right now, I need to discuss with my OH" because she is going to be expecting an answer.

You sound like a lovely person but perhaps one that is ruled too much by heart, perhaps write your decision down on a piece of paper and keep it with you on the phone to her so when you feel like caving you have it to give you a little more strength.

Best of luck

victory

koalamummy wrote: »

I got another text at lunch time telling me she will call when she finishes work tonight, which if she is still doing the same job as before will be around 21:00.

I am starting to get a bit nervous and stressed about this as ridiculous as that sounds.

I am pretty certain that my DH would be verging on incandescent with rage as a result of what happened in the past. Though I am not entirely sure as she maintained some contact with him which I never really understood? Nothing close but they both play an online game and are in the same team.

They play online game? Did she ever ask after you? How strange, no contact with you her friend but contact via the Internet with your OH

You should not lend money without asking/ discussing/ talking to your husband first, don't put yourself in a position where it affects your relationship, over what , a non friend?

I have read and do understand how seeing a friend have children when you can't must be devastating, I don't agree you have to walk in someone's shoes to grasp the intensity of it, I have seen how all life consuming it is with some people I have known but none of them ranted and raged, refused to be pleased for others and never once did they lay all the negatives at their door, it's just not the done thing

Why did she reply by text and not call?

victory

I have thought about this thread a lot recently and apart from what has been said about the cheek and the desperation and the money, little things go through my mind like how come she knew your mobile number still and did not think you could have changed it two years later?

Do you live near each other so you could see each other? Has she avoided places you used to go to together?

Were you close to her OH? Did you ever try to get in touch with him and ask him to play the middle man? Did your OH ever put a good word in for you via the online gaming?

If two years have past without any attempt from anyone, I would never ever pick the phone up and not have any interest in one single thing she had to say, as for the money not a chance

koalamummy

As far as I know myself and our children have never been mentioned or enquired about. I do have money that I could easily make available without in any way lowering our standard of living in any way as I have a fund for replacing kitchen and bathrooms running and as our house is only 2.5 years old I doubt I will need this any time soon.

In the early days I used to ask DH to say hello from me and ask her to call or come round but after a while I gave up as it wasn't getting anywhere. Her husband is quite a shy private person so I would never under any circumstances have felt it fair to involve him.

I am guessing it was a text as she is at work since she said she will call me after finishing. I have had the same mobile number for over 10 years and will probably have it for the rest of my life if possible. Everybody who knows me knows this to be the case so texting my number was not exactlly a stab in the dark.

I have not seen her at all in the last few years so can only assume that she didn't want to bump into me. We also or at least did live about 10 miles apart so unlikely to bump into each other by accident in the local supermarket.

delain

She'll phone wanting to give you her bank details!

Make clear you won't be moving any money until your OH has been informed and agrees

Igottawii!!

OP I have been following this thread with interest - I, too, lost contact with a very close friend nearly years ago after almost years of close friendship

I have realised that however well you think you know someone for however long ultimately you really don't.

If she did get in touch now I would have no interest as I do not feel we would be able to have any sort of friendship whatsoever now, I understand you can lose your temper or act on the spur of the moment, whatever but surely when you've calmed down a few hours/days later wouldn't you want to sort it out if that friendship was so important to you? So therefore I can only conclude that mine wasn't to her.

So what I'm trying to say is in your position I wouldn't be able to put 2 years silence behind me and that would cause unsurmountable (to me) resentment - but I wish you well!

exarmydreamer

She's only after the money. Why couldn't she borrow it (from a bank), save up or wait for NHS treatment. How can she afford a child, if she has to borrow the money. She's using you, and by you thinking about your own savings, it sort of sounds like you might let her.

I never borrow to friends or family because of potential fall outs, she's not been your friend for 2 yrs, you are going to be used. Does she know your DH is away, could that be why she is asking you?. Just because you have the money does not mean you have to give it to her. She has made no contact with you for 2 yrs, no apology. She is 100% after your money.

I'm ex forces and so is my DH, I think his take on her contacting you for money is necessary. You will need to agree about how you deal with this so called, 'friend'. Your savings are their for you and your family, she sounds very cheeky, selfish and downright nasty. Don't feel that you owe her anything, don't feel bad because you have children, My SIL couldn't have any. You should not feel this way, I can't believe she has asked you after 2 yrs. My friends DIL has just had IVF, on the NHS and on her 1st attempt she had her little girl, she had to wait on a list. Why can't she wait on the list for treatment like everyone else.

TeamLowe

Exarmydreamer nhs does not fund ivf in all areas, it's a postcode lottery. Plus the cut off age may have been reached, or she may have had the nhs round, that failed, paid for 2,3,4 herself which failed as well

I'm not wholly convinced by the 'if you can't afford 6k upfront you can't afford a baby' argument as plenty of wonderful parents start out with much much less than that, although I can see the logic

I get the feeling time may be a factor, if she's desperate enough to ask for money and they've been friends for 30 years, the success rates for ivf reduce according to age x