Awkward situation with a friend

meritaten

Nicki wrote: »

Meritaten, I think you have exaggerated what some of us have tried to say.

No one thinks OP should hand over money, or that she deserved to be shouted at.

Some of us, me included, have tried to explain why it may have happened. Using your widow analogy, would it not be forgivable if a recently bereaved friend lost their temper and got upset with you complaining about the downsides of married life while still in the early throes of grieving their loss? I haven't been widowed but if a friend got upset with me moaning about my OH when she was recently bereaved, I'd find it in my heart to forgive her (and would probably make the first move to mend fences). Long term infertility is very similar to bereavement and brings up similar emotions

Nicki - I do understand that it is difficult for someone who is unable to concieve - I pointed out that for that someone to behave this way to a new mum (or a pregnant one) is someone who needs professional help. It just is not acceptable or normal. and I dont know any widows who have kicked off because a woman moans about her OH! The fact of life is that some women will concieve and give birth and others cannot - to be so obsessed by it that it causes a person to be unable to be around pregnant or newly delivered mothers is worrying - for THIER mental health. Obsession is not healthy!
my aunt was unable to conceive herself and ended up adopting (IVF wasnt heard of in those days). She adored babies and certainly wouldnt have behaved in the ways described. she was genuinely pleased for those with babies - when did it become acceptable to be so consumed with envy that you can verbally attack someone?
and nowhere have I said that anyone else thinks the OP should hand over money - that is my own view! as I thought I made plain!

sweetsheep84

OP, I must admit you are a bigger and better person than me. I can understand that you care. However, I cannot help myself but wondering even if you 2 do make up, is the friendship going to be the same as before or are you going to have to watch what you say or do in order not to offend her again? To me, that is not really a friendship.

She is lucky to have met you.

hawk30

meritaten wrote: »

Nicki - I do understand that it is difficult for someone who is unable to concieve - I pointed out that for that someone to behave this way to a new mum (or a pregnant one) is someone who needs professional help. It just is not acceptable or normal.

How can you say it's not normal when a number of people have describe feeling this way? Who are you to determine what's normal?

OP - if she had come seeking to build bridges, I would consider it. But to ask for money is just rude and I would ignore her.

Nicki

Anger is one of the seven stages of grief and coming to terms with infertility is grieving so I personally don't believe that one outburst of anger to a close friend means that an infertile woman is mentally ill.

OP you sound like a great friend. All you can do is judge your friend on how she is in the here and now. If the friendship has survived all this, the I think your friend is very lucky to have you in her life. But don't give her money, just your support and friendship.

koalamummy

hawk30 wrote: »

How can you say it's not normal when a number of people have describe feeling this way? Who are you to determine what's normal?

OP - if she had come seeking to build bridges, I would consider it. But to ask for money is just rude and I would ignore her.

I initially felt like this. However one poster detailed quite clearly that this was most probably an act of complete desperation where the lady in question expected refusal, yet another kick when she is down. She did it anyway.

Pathetic as this will make me sound I do not have it in me to turn my back on somebody in this state.

meritaten

Nicki - do you really think that shouting and screaming at people is 'normal' behaviour?
People have said on here that they cannot bear to be around pregnant people or newborns as the feelings are so overwhelming - and yes I DO think that is not 'normal'. I applaud them for admitting this and do sympathise with thier distress - but, it isnt to my mind 'normal' behaviour. and yes, they do need help! I didnt mention mental illness - I wouldnt say it was a mental illness - I would say its an obsession which needs professional help.
btw - I wouldnt say that the small number of people who posted were representative of ALL women who struggle to conceive. so whether this obsession is 'normal' for all women I couldnt say.

victory

koalamummy wrote: »

I initially felt like this. However one poster detailed quite clearly that this was most probably an act of complete desperation where the lady in question expected refusal, yet another kick when she is down. She did it anyway.

Pathetic as this will make me sound I do not have it in me to turn my back on somebody in this state.

But surely she has friends, family that she can turn to?

A bank loan?

Without lending her the money you can still help her by listening, understanding, trying to sympathize, being there for her but you do not have to lend her the money, there are many other ways she can get the money

koalamummy

Nicki wrote: »

Anger is one of the seven stages of grief and coming to terms with infertility is grieving so I personally don't believe that one outburst of anger to a close friend means that an infertile woman is mentally ill.

OP you sound like a great friend. All you can do is judge your friend on how she is in the here and now. If the friendship has survived all this, the I think your friend is very lucky to have you in her life. But don't give her money, just your support and friendship.

My current viewpoint is that over the years people have called me far worse names, accused me of far worse things, and done far worse things to me, yet I am still alive and mostly happy.

Nicki

I've read blogs, forums and the LLTC thread here over the course of my TTC journey meritaten, and based on these, the "obsession" as you describe it is indeed commonplace. I think it is one of those blows which you cannot understand unless life dealt it to you. I am lucky enough to have 3 children, and i feel blessed for that but it took us a very long time to manage this, so I have walked the mile in those shoes, and would not judge anyone for one lapse in grace and judgment, just as I would not judge a recently bereaved person, or one who had just received a terminal diagnosis.

mountainofdebt

I have to say that when I've heard news about a friend that has got whatever I want then I do go into selfish cow mode but, in my defence I've never let them know .....usually involves alot of selfpity and crying when walking the dog!

That said I know going through IVF is no picnic ......a colleague of mine went through it twice and I had a new insight into what it meant.

However in the OP's situation, after 2 years of no communication, then to suddenly reappear and ask outright for money is to me either a sign of desparation or bare faced cheek.

(and yes in my colleague's case, had I won the lottery I would have funded her IVF !)