family arguments! dont know what to do?its making me so sad

jussyc

celtic star, a big thanks
yes ,yes, your posts have been most helpful and sorry if you felt i didnt reply, but you have spoken a lot of hometruths,
however as i have been so close to mum and dad it is hard to digest the truths even though i know i must and need to
like you say its all about control, but also its about dad and hubby locking horns even though hubby is so right in all this
just hope kids dont suffer as ds(4) caught me crying and said 'dont worry mum i will take you the beach every day in portugal'
and i am still so upset, crying all day just dont know how to move on
just wish they hadnt put me in postition in first place where i feel i have to
this has taken over our lives at moment and im struggling to cope

Errata

Jussy, you've found yourself in a truly rotten situation and it must be incredibly difficult to cope with and get your head round. I think you said in an earlier post that you work in the health service. Have you thought about whether a few sessions of staff counselling would help you get things straight in your own mind both about what's happened and why, and how to cope in the future? (apologies if I'vegot this wrong)

Alex_of_Swansea

Hey JussyC.
Huge sympathy for you, sweetheart. It's always sad when the ones you love and admire fall out so badly. It's great that you and your OH are together on this. Your kids will appreciate that. From experience, though, I'd be wary of sending kids off with people who have a grudge against you, even your parents. You won't be there to monitor what's being said about you behind your backs.
And gutted on the house. Can you sort out all the problems without involving your parents further (or ever again)? This may all blow over. But take loads of pictures of the house for the minute and definitely report the dodgy contractors to their respective licensing authorities. If they can do this to you, they can do it to anyone. Similar ones ripped off my gran. The authorities can also tell you any action you can take against them. The work was done to your house, so your parents shouldn't need to be involved in this.
Hope all that helps. Stay strong. A good friend once told me that families come through things you'd think they'd never survive. Mine did when I'd given up hope. Two years later, it's all coming together. God bless, sweetie
Alex x

jussyc

Errata wrote: »

Jussy, you've found yourself in a truly rotten situation and it must be incredibly difficult to cope with and get your head round. I think you said in an earlier post that you work in the health service. Have you thought about whether a few sessions of staff counselling would help you get things straight in your own mind both about what's happened and why, and how to cope in the future? (apologies if I'vegot this wrong)

no apologies needed ive been thinking about this myself, i feel better when im at work as everyone has been great,plus dealng with others a lot worse off than myself takes my mind off it all, and my friend there is a counsellor so i am having lots of chats with her and i suppose mini unofficial counselling sessions, its just when i get home i fall to pieces
also posting on here is like a little counselling session and the support everyone on here gives each other is amazing
but yes its incredibly hard to get my head round as i realize now its about more than just the building work
plus as well as the electrics problem, the new tiler came made a great job, but couldnt do the sink as the original builder has fitting the sink wrong and its not at all straight it gets worse doesnt it??

Errata

It always helps to get things off your chest and 'listen' to how other people see the situation. And sometimes we don't know what we actually think about something until we say it or write it. Sounds incredibly positive that you're starting to develop some insight into the whole sorry mess and the people and attitudes.
There's a DIY internet CBT site which you might find helpful called Living Life to the Full (give us a sec and I'll post up the url for you).
In the years to come you and your OH, and the kids, may be able to look back at the sorry saga of the bathroom and laugh about it, but it's pretty raw for you right now I'm sure. And now the sink's b*ggered!!!! Don't forget what doesn't break us makes us, and surely there can't be anything left to go wrong - hope so, for your sake.

jussyc

Alex_of_Swansea wrote: »

Hey JussyC.
Huge sympathy for you, sweetheart. It's always sad when the ones you love and admire fall out so badly. It's great that you and your OH are together on this. Your kids will appreciate that. From experience, though, I'd be wary of sending kids off with people who have a grudge against you, even your parents. You won't be there to monitor what's being said about you behind your backs.
And gutted on the house. Can you sort out all the problems without involving your parents further (or ever again)? This may all blow over. But take loads of pictures of the house for the minute and definitely report the dodgy contractors to their respective licensing authorities. If they can do this to you, they can do it to anyone. Similar ones ripped off my gran. The authorities can also tell you any action you can take against them. The work was done to your house, so your parents shouldn't need to be involved in this.
Hope all that helps. Stay strong. A good friend once told me that families come through things you'd think they'd never survive. Mine did when I'd given up hope. Two years later, it's all coming together. God bless, sweetie
Alex x

thanks Alex x
yes we have taken lots of pics but its like a building site and more problems keep cropping up and now the moneys gone, yet still have the threat of the builders bill for plastering even though we have now paid £600 for jobs to be put right and still have no shower etc etc
wouldnt send kids without us anyway as they are too little and have never been away for that long
anyway as son has asthma and is only little if something went wrong out there it wouldnt be fair on mum, plus were going to resort and small village where maddie went missing so parents would be frantic with them on their own
must say thats one thing none of us are tring to say anything about each other in front of kids , and mum knows me well enough that if they said anything about us in front of kids then i would freak, plus above everything they think world of them kids
havent heard off my sister shes keeping low profile, but they always give her such a bad time shes probably just glad the heats off her for once!
also hope yours friends right and we survive this eventually , looks very bleak at the moment though and the atmospheres awful everywhere
thanks again x x

Errata

Here you go -

http://www.livinglifetothefull.com/elearning/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=28&Itemid=76

It's supported by the NHS.

jussyc

Errata wrote: »

It always helps to get things off your chest and 'listen' to how other people see the situation. And sometimes we don't know what we actually think about something until we say it or write it. Sounds incredibly positive that you're starting to develop some insight into the whole sorry mess and the people and attitudes.
There's a DIY internet CBT site which you might find helpful called Living Life to the Full (give us a sec and I'll post up the url for you).
In the years to come you and your OH, and the kids, may be able to look back at the sorry saga of the bathroom and laugh about it, but it's pretty raw for you right now I'm sure. And now the sink's b*ggered!!!! Don't forget what doesn't break us makes us, and surely there can't be anything left to go wrong - hope so, for your sake.

yes its incredibly raw and hurts like hell, cant imagine it not at the minute
hopefully not , after car breaking down again only had it 2 weeks and thats twice now, plus already had horrid year
OH nana dies, had ds (3) in hospital on oxygen and nebs twice, our beloved dog we found dead while son was in hospital , still tring to get over these things when all this kicked off, god its been awful
just hope it doesnt break before it makes...
thanks so much for your posts you are a star:A

LilMissEmmylou

re the tiles - i know its pricey to get them done professionally, however if you can borrow a tile cutter and are willing to take some time and do it - have a bash yourself. My mum did her bathroom floor and walls and they look great you would never know she did it herself.

As for the holiday, kids are pretty easy to please. Tell them they wont be going on that holiday but you are planning summer suprises for them and take them on some fun outtings, even if it isnt far, they will love it.

Hugs to you over the whole thing though, i hate family arguments.

flossy_splodge

I have to agree with the poster that said beware of letting your kids be with your parents unsupervised. If your parents can cause you this much pain,, please don't imagine they'd have any problem bad mouthing you to your children. In your shoes I think whatever the cost, I'd withdraw from letting kids see grandparents for the sake of your own immediate family.Truly. This is not for revenge, its to protect a sound family unit. You would not be doing your littl'uns any good at all short or long term for them to get in the middle of all this and that will be inevitable if they are in your parents company without you or your OH.
With respect to your building troubles, I strongly advise finding out as a matter of urgency if the builder in question belongs to any trade bodies (such as Federation of Master Builders - don't laugh, seems it can be had for the price of a subscription!). Then contact these organisations and ask if they offer mediation. That should sort out the problemof him demanding to be paid for shoddy work. If this turns out to be a dead end, how about telling the builder you will be prepared to pay him for work done but will be filing a counter claim in the small claims court for monies you have had to pay out to put right his shoddy workmanship and that you will be happy to supply details of your claim to the local press so that the local community can speak up for him if they have had good work done!;) You will need to be strong to take this line but you don't want the worry of his demanding money from you to be hanging over your heads. Oh yes and make clear that your paying his demands will come out of what you feel, as a result of independent assessment of his work, will be a successful claim on your behalf!
And as to how your parentsd will respond to this? Quite frankly it is time to stand up for yourself. You are no longer primarily their daughter, your first role now is as a wife and mother. Strikes me they don't quite understand this and tbh, thats your fault for allowing them to ride roughshod over you. You know what they say about bullies? The first time you stand firm and go toe to toe with them takes away their power. The world is not perfect and nor are the people in it, even our own families. Sometimes families need to learn hard lessons about acceptable behaviour. Your parents have the chance to grow and learn if you stand up to them. That would be you doing them a kindness.:eek: Good luck. Be strong x