family arguments! dont know what to do?its making me so sad

pinkshoes

I think you all need to swallow your pride and sort it out, because life is too short to spend it squabbling over petty things!!

1) Apologise to your parents if it appeared you weren't grateful, and explain how grateful you are, how much you like the bathroom, and invite them round to dinner so they can come and see it.

2) Your OH shouldn't have mocked the builder, coz that was rude. Yes, the builder's efforts to tile the bathroom were cr*p, but unless your OH can tile the wall neatly himself (not easy to do it neatly - believe me i tried!), he shouldn't mock the builder and should apologise to your parents, explain himself that he just didn't want to see them get ripped off and it was merely out of concern that he questioned the quality of the tiling.

All will be forgotton and you will have a nice family holiday together in 3 weeks time. Now go make the first step before this goes any further!

belfastgirl23

Agree with other posters re expressing gratitude to parents. Also I think you should encourage your OH to see the generosity behind their gesture, however much hassle it's causing now. I'd talk to both your parents and your OH about how important it is to sort this out for the sake of your kids. No matter what your OH thinks of your parents or vice versa they will both want the best for the children, and it can really upset children if their families are at loggerheads, esp if it meant they would lose their holiday. I'm sure the grandparents recognise the importance of dad in their lives and dad doesn't think they should lose touch with GPs....

Anniek1969

I know what you must be going through regarding your parents and your OH. My BIL goes through the same thing all the time with his GF's mother, nothing he ever does is good enough although he does everything he can for her and their son.

If your parents won't come round and see the tiling could you take pictures of it and take them round to them or would it maybe be possible to get one of the builders men to have a quiet word with your parents and tell them he doesn't think the jobs up to standard.

The holiday is going to awkward if you still aren't talking, if it was me I would tell them that if they are going to take the tiling issue as you being ungrateful then I would tell them that under the circumstances you feel that you couldn't go on holiday with them as the atmosphere wouldn't be good for the kids and that you think that it's really sad that the kids are going to miss out on a holiday all because of a builder not tiling a bathroom properly. Surely if they are both good business people then they'll know how to seperate a business matter with a personal one.

dora37

To put the cat amongst the pigeons slightly...... just because your parents are giving you the money for the bathroom, surely doesn't mean that they should be so involved in the actual doing of the bathroom?

It should be a generous gesture, not a way to control an aspect of your life.

jussyc

thanks for all the comments, we feel too upset and hurt to speak to them at the moment, so are trying to communicate by text as things dont get as heated , just dont know how we can afford to get the jobs finished as low income etc ..apart from not paying him for the plastering as he walked off the job,as we were paying for the plastering , but dont know were we stand with that as the plastering was fine, apart from the big hole left in the outside wall !!had another 2 builders in today for quotes and they have both said the tiling and the hole look like something out of rogue traders!
just upset and unsure about what to do re holiday, just hope things blow over, im so upset about this as we have always had a good time with them and socialised and holidayed with them and i never thought it would come to this in a million years !
but a huge thanks to you all for your comments its been a huge support , i cant tell you how much as i have never addressed a problem like this before but will again , will keep you posted on any developments..

Ellie2758

dora37 wrote: »

To put the cat amongst the pigeons slightly...... just because your parents are giving you the money for the bathroom, surely doesn't mean that they should be so involved in the actual doing of the bathroom?

It should be a generous gesture, not a way to control an aspect of your life.

As another poster has more or less said, this "giving" of money can be a way of controlling offspring. It isnt given freely as such, there are strings attached.

On the other hand, it does sound as if several of you have gone off at the deep end. Maybe it could have been resolved calmly if you had just spoken quietly to your parents about the tiling before you spoke to the builder.

As for the holiday - that really is up to you. How quickly do you think feelings can be mended? Do your parents bear grudges for long? Will they be upset at not taking the kids on holiday?

Difficult one. Hope it gets resolved soon.

borderlakland

is it worth talking to parents explaining how u feel(calmly) say you aren't criticising them just the tiling work sugest they come and see it them selves. explain this is all v upsetting and is it worth upsetting the kids over a few tiles.agree that you may have all over reacted. then may sugest if you all go on hol together that it is agreed that the dreaded builder/bathroom/tiles words aren't mentioned until you get home, that you all make the most of your hol & that you all enjoy your time away with the kids(they are the ones who matter the most)

jussyc

yes i never thought of the controlling theory , good one as they are good at giving although we NEVER ask,but also good at throwing it back in your face as well
we have taken your comments on about thanking parents and have made a point in every text about this, and also how we didnt want to fall out but the tiling is unacceptable
do you know the text back?
'the builder will come back if you apologise to him' unbelievable!!!

for one his work is awful , for two he threated to knock my husband block off and for three i dont care if i never saw him again!(i think earlier theory about builder playing us all off was a really good point)
so we txted back that we would not apologise as we still think we are right about the tiling(as do they really as they are still saying they arent paying him for this)
txt back even more unbeliveable ' ok i have talked the builder round and if you make yourselves scarce then he will come round and finish off but he doesnt want you in the house as he is so upset!!my god he was about 6ft 4 and 20st he hardly looked like someone who would cry if you said his tiling was cr*p!!!!!!!!!!:mad:
so weve txted back that we are grateful for everything but are not prepared to have to make ourselves scarce in our own home whilst a builder that has threatened us finished off a bad job, as hes still refusing that the tiling is wrong and isnt gonna fix it, and that we would get it sorted ourselves(god know how!) and if they would like the (long) list of jobs he hasnt finished so they didnt pay for the jobs he hasnt done to let us know, also the wood for cupboard , side and end panels to bath and shower fittings that we havent had are returned to mum and dad as they have paid for these , but we havent heard anything else

basically we are left with a huge hole in the bedroom wall, where they pulled the gas heater out and left a huge lump of concrete hanging out of the outside wall and then jsut shoved a half bag of plaster in it and said it wasnt their job!
the overflow pipe from shower falls directly on to back step
shower not been sealed so unuseable, skirting board left off,floorboards up and plumbing exposed, no pipes been boxed in as promised, cupboard half built in bedroom, no tiling done over sink , no cabinets put up , no side panels on bath
and of course the old chesnut The tiling in shower is CR*P ,cr*p,cr*p!!!!!!!!!!!!!:eek:
god this is driving me mad
so we are left with all the jobs undone and no cash to sort anything out

SeptemberBaby_2

Jussy, my first thoughts were that there may be underlying issues with your parents and your OH and this tiling business has brought it all to a head. Is that a possibility? I know that my parents would never side with anyone other than me (even if I was in the wrong!) as I am their daughter and their priority. It seems strange to me that they would side with this builder and not you, especially after not inspecting the work for themselves.

Unfortunately, as other posters have pointed out, it may well be a controlling issue as if it was my parents they would have just given me the money to choose my own bathroom and my own builder and not interfere.

I think you need to speak (not text) to your parents and get to the bottom of this sooner rather than later as I think it goes deeper than the botched tiles!

Personally, I would not even consider going away with them until you have resolved all the issues as them paying for the holiday is another thing they can throw back at you. And it would be extremely stressful if all parties are not on talking terms.

Very best of luck with everything. Please let us know how you get on xxx

Daddyto3

I would ask your parents whether this builder is actually registered as a trader, does he have his compnay name on the van, business cards, letter-heads etc...

If not i would tell your parents to pass a msg to him that unless he can recity ALL jobs he has started then you will be involving Trading Standards.