family arguments! dont know what to do?its making me so sad

jussyc

yes shes fine it wasnt anything to do with the bathroom not being finished , she slipped on the floor as it was wet, and she was runnig and fooling about
i would love to blame the builder for that too but he had nothing to do with that, but im sure it was his fault some how ......lol....only joking
but it wasnt anything to do with the fact the building works not being finished
x

1_step_closer

That's ok then!

CelticStar

Hi OP, sorry to hear of your troubles - I certainly don't think they are trivial and would like to remind posters that do that everything is relative (no pun intended in this case!) and that you don't have to view this thread if you don't want to.

I've been reading this thread for a few days and thought I would just add my advice. I think that what this really boils down to is what your parents motives were in giving you the money for this bathroom (and the money that they have given at other times) in the first place. There are two types of behaviour when giving money. The first is where the giver gives it freely, without any conditions, so that the recipient can do with it as they please when they please. The second is when the giver gives it for a particular reason of their own and expects 'interest' back in one form or another. It seems to me (from their own comments on your supposed faulty 'work ethic' and their decision to side with the rogue builder despite not even looking at his work) that your parents' form of giving is the second type. Their 'interest' is that you have to be perpetually grateful and that they can comment on your lifestyle as and when they see fit. It's a simple transaction - money for control - and it's not a good bargain for you.

It is truly breathtaking that they have behaved in the way they have and - much as I doubt that you wish to hear this - there is no way on earth that you should go on holiday with them without your husband after all this. Not only would it be terribly stressful for you as these problems won't go away just because you are abroad and you will be on your own with them, but it would be very disloyal to your husband if they have been insulting about him. Much as you love your parents, when you move away from home and have your own family they should then become your first priority and concern. If you go abroad without your husband you are essentially showing a divided front.

From what I can see you haven't done anything wrong, particularly if you have stressed that you are very grateful for their gift - which you seem to have done many times. Your parents seem mainly concerned with their own perceived embarrassment which seems very selfish when you have been left with a building site as your bathroom. They are now holding this holiday over you - and your children - as a way of getting their own way and forcing you to accept their point of view about the whole affair.

I would accept that I wasn't going on holiday and then calmly stop texting etc and leave the ball in their court. If they are reasonable they will at least come round and have a look at the tiling so that they can see your point of view. I have to say though that I wouldn't accept any more gifts of money from them in the future as these gifts seem to have definite strings attached.

Good luck and good wishes. I had something similar happen to me two years ago so I do speak from some experience.

CS

looby75

jussyc one thing that has kept coming to mind through out this post is that you really need to get your parents to see your bathroom for themselves. Its very easy for the builder to dismiss the problems as a work in progress but if your mum and dad see the work and you can point out your conserns I'm sure they will understand why you are so upset.

Invite them round, do what ever you have to do to get them there, even suggest you will apologise to the builder if they come and see the bathroom for themselves first. I'm sure that the key to sorting all this out is for them to see what a mess he's the builder has made first hand.

seven-day-weekend

I also think you should not go on holiday without your husband. If your parents want to take the children, fine, (but what will they say to the children about why you and your husband are not there?) , but even if they don't take them, well the children will enjoy some days out, picnics etc. Children love camping, you could 'camp' in the garden with a sheet for a tent if you don't have a tent. They won't mind at all.

Children want happy parents showing a united front, not fancy holidays.

jussyc

looby75 wrote: »

jussyc one thing that has kept coming to mind through out this post is that you really need to get your parents to see your bathroom for themselves. Its very easy for the builder to dismiss the problems as a work in progress but if your mum and dad see the work and you can point out your conserns I'm sure they will understand why you are so upset.

Invite them round, do what ever you have to do to get them there, even suggest you will apologise to the builder if they come and see the bathroom for themselves first. I'm sure that the key to sorting all this out is for them to see what a mess he's the builder has made first hand.

thats the best bit when everything first started dad did come round and rang the builder and said 'this tiling cant we stick a bit of beading on it or something?' builder who did job himself yet none of his men had seen him tile EVER says yes its not finished yet,come sticks a bit of beading on and says to OH thats done now apart from a bit of tiling at that point we didnt say anything to him just complained to mum and dad when Dad mentions it to builder after all hoohar he say 'well they never let me finish it boo hoo'
Dad says to us after all rest of trouble and builder walks off job , sorry mate they upset you ill pay you for everything less the tiling (which to me shows hes knows its such a bad job)as hes seen it but just doesnt want us to admit we are right, which then leaves us it a complete mess and a huge bill to get anything sorted
Mum to this day still hasnt seen it and just maintains she doesnt need to as we never let the builder finish it, it is really unstraight, and whatever the builder did to finish it wouldnt have changed that as its like a jigsaw puzzle bits of tile chopped up everywhere ,my sister came yesterday and couldnt believe it so hopefully she will say something to them
they have just taken this really personally , when we keep saying we are really happy we everything else , its just the tiling..even though since we have had other people round we now realise there was a lot more wrong than just the tiling as mentioned in earlier posts about what needs fixing but we havent even mentioned this to them
builder comes best out of this, as hes thinks as we are not paying we are not allowed to complain therefore must accept bad job, he comes, rushes job , then doesnt have to finish all rest of stuff and walks off and still gets paid
i am so annoyed my parents are paying him less tiling even as there are so many jobs as posted before that hes didnt finish,annoyed for them wasting their money
he was rude from the start as when he got here we had just had from paved and he said to me
'oh i see you are up to the same class as others now, i said what? he said youve gone up a class , i said sorry dont know what you mean?he said 'oh getting youre front done'then smirked
oooh makes me so mad that hes played us all like this:mad:
maybe they would like to take the builder on holiday with them , they seem to like him more than us at the moment:rotfl:
oh well off to work now , will take my mind off my troubles for a bit
my little girl woke in the night and said to me'should i tell my teacher tomorrow that im not going on holiday?' oh how i hate all this ...its bl***y
heartbreaking it really is...

rosieben

You need to make a decision about the holiday and then let it go. Its obviously worrying your kids and thats not fair. You can explain that there are problems with grandparents and that you are a little hurt and so decided to have some time for things to calm down; try to settle things down so the kids stop worrying about it - it can be frightening for kids when they know there are problems and they feel everything is out of control.

Your parents are probably expecting you to go crawling back so that the kids have a holiday, but TBH if it were me I would just forget the holiday, and set about planning some things for you and your OH to do with the kids. Leave the ball in your parents' court and just get on with your life.

Dont allow your parents to continue causing havoc in all your lives (already enough havoc with the unfinished bathroom!). Its not the end of the world if you and kids dont get a holiday, I'm sure kids would rather have a settled home life than all this upheaval and upset

Errata

Jussy, what would stop this thing rumbling on for ages? What do you think is the one thing that should happen that would make the situation acceptable?
Do you think this thing is getting increasinbly blown out of proportion by everyone concerned because it's stirring up a lot of ancient emotional rubble for them all?
Would it help for you to sit quietly and decide exactly what you want and how you want your relationship with your parents to be, and then discuss wit your OH and reach some common ground with him which will unite you both and perhaps give you a course to follow?
Just as some children can't behave how they should, so do some parents. Have you ever been able to please your parents? Perhaps there's just no pleasing them whatever you do, and if that's the case it may be best to stop trying. That's a hard life lesson to learn, but life throws some rotten stuff at us sometimes and we can't see how we've deserved it.
If you can be brutally honest with yourself about your feelings about all the individuals concerned and your reactions to them and problems you might be able to see things more clearly and they'll be less stressful.
It seems to me that the only one who's suffering in all of this is you, and there will be a reason why all the people concerned are ignoring your feelings.
HTH. Remember, no-one died from not being able to go on holiday.If your parents have to pay out for a holiday that people aren't prepared to go on they may have a lightbulb moment. That could mean they will try with you to sort things out, or they may decide never to speak to you again.

seven-day-weekend

Errata wrote: »

Jussy, what would stop this thing rumbling on for ages? What do you think is the one thing that should happen that would make the situation acceptable?
Do you think this thing is getting increasinbly blown out of proportion by everyone concerned because it's stirring up a lot of ancient emotional rubble for them all?
Would it help for you to sit quietly and decide exactly what you want and how you want your relationship with your parents to be, and then discuss wit your OH and reach some common ground with him which will unite you both and perhaps give you a course to follow?
Just as some children can't behave how they should, so do some parents. Have you ever been able to please your parents? Perhaps there's just no pleasing them whatever you do, and if that's the case it may be best to stop trying. That's a hard life lesson to learn, but life throws some rotten stuff at us sometimes and we can't see how we've deserved it.
If you can be brutally honest with yourself about your feelings about all the individuals concerned and your reactions to them and problems you might be able to see things more clearly and they'll be less stressful.
It seems to me that the only one who's suffering in all of this is you, and there will be a reason why all the people concerned are ignoring your feelings.
HTH. Remember, no-one died from not being able to go on holiday.If your parents have to pay out for a holiday that people aren't prepared to go on they may have a lightbulb moment. That could mean they will try with you to sort things out, or they may decide never to speak to you again.

Spot-on, my husband realised that no matter what he did he could never please his mother, so he stopped trying. He was a good son to her, and looked after her, but in the end he did what he felt was right and not what she wanted him to do (very occasionally these were the same thing).

He was certainly much calmer and happier once he'd got his relationship with his mother into the right perspective and stopped trying to please her.

Ems*Honie

I'm really sorry for all your recent troubles. The one thing that stands out to me is your childrens holiday. I really feel you should bite the bullet and take them anyway, it's not their fault all this trouble and you will all miss out on quality time with them otherwise. Couldn't you text your parents with something to that effect, or maybe that its time you all made up otherwise the kids will have a horrible holiday?

Hope you get sorted soon! Your builder sounds like one my hubby works with, notorious for his huffs